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11 Parents’ Quotes That Will Have You Laughing

Need a minute to unwind from mom or dad life? We rounded up the funniest celebrity parents' quotes that'll bring you to tears (in a good way, we promise).

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Unattended children are a recipe for disaster

There’s nothing quite like too much cereal when you leave too many children alone.

“Thought everything would be cool if I left them alone for an 8-minute shower. Came out, 5 boxes of cereal mixed into one giant mixing bowl.” – Dax Shepard

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Actually, this makes a lot of sense

We think there are essential oils for sleep that may help with that, but oh man, we hear you.

“My biggest parenting conundrum: why is it so hard to put someone who is already sleepy to sleep.” – Chrissy Teigen

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Parenting is so messy

This is one of our favorite funny parenting quotes because it’s 100 percent true. Anyone with a kid knows their pants become magnets for cookie slime and squeeze packets of yogurt.

“You’re just like a human napkin for kids, like, they just wipe their face on you and stuff.” – Tina Fey

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Do you smell that?

This is clearly one of the best parents’ quotes of all time, and it’s another zinger by Tina Fey. Clearly she doesn’t know that inhaling farts may actually be good for you, but that’s okay.

“Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” – Tina Fey

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Honesty is important

There are no better parents’ quotes than the ones that fully illustrate how lazy children can be after they’ve spent endless energy creating utter destruction.

“‘I don’t think so Mommy!’ is what my child said after, ‘Can you please pick up the popcorn you threw all over?'” – Anna Faris

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Does alone time have a price?

Quiet time is important, but extremely rare once you’ve claimed responsibility for other humans. We relate to just about all parents’ quotes that bring us back to a time of decent sleep, uninterrupted TV viewing, and healthy eating that doesn’t involve cheese-crusted veggies.

“Being a father is the single greatest feeling on Earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.” – Ryan Reynolds

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Pee, it’s everywhere

Does just being an infant male count as one of the reasons you need to pee all the time? It should.

“Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face. #awesome” – Olivia Wilde

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Parenting is not a diet-friendly sport…

…Unless of course you’re into cold mac and cheese, half-nibbled chicken fingers, and a bunch of veggies cut into insanely small and mushy pieces. We love the parents’ quotes that keep it especially real.

“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish…” – Carrie Underwood

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Being constantly nervous is normal

For some reason, the word “evil” is thrown around much more than you’d expect it to be when you’ve got little ones in the picture.

“7 year old daughter walked in the room, casually confirmed, ‘You have to have a backstory to why you’re evil, right?’ And walked out.” – Kelly Oxford


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If there’s no cape, there’s no childhood

Conan’s funny parenting quotes are always spot on, but this one is relatable for just about every dad out there.

“Every generation just wants their kids to have a better ‘Spiderman’ reboot than they did.” – Conan O’Brien

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He means it though

We’re going to leave this one right here.

“I’m going to be furious if my kids have a better life than me.” – Michael Ian Black, on behalf of every dad who hasn’t slept in years

Bryce Gruber
Bryce Gruber covers gift ideas, shopping, and e-commerce at, although you've likely seen her work across a variety of women's lifestyle and parenting topics at, Bravo,, Martha Stewart, and on your TV screen through national talk shows including The Tamron Hall Show. She lives and works in New York's Hudson Valley with her five small children. Find her on social media at @brycegruber.