• Prosecutor: How fast was the car coming toward you?
Witness: I am not a thermometer, so I can’t tell you the speed limit.
• Attorney: What did the doctor tell you was the condition of the body when he performed the autopsy?
Witness: He described it as dead.
• Prosecutor: Do you see the defendant in court today?
Witness: Yes, I do.
Prosecutor: How is he dressed?
Witness: He looks pretty sharp.
• Prosecutor (addressing the court): The People have evidence that the life of the witness is in jeopardy, and it is reasonable to apprehend he will not be able to attend the trial if he is not alive at that time.
• Attorney: Can you explain what “state-dependent memory” refers to?
Witness: Yes. If a law student is drinking while studying for the exam, he would do well to bring beer into the examination, because he’ll be better able to re-create whatever it is he studied if he’s in a similar state of intoxication.
Court: That’s a novel thought.
Witness: You see why I’m no longer teaching at the law school.
• Counsel (to man in hallway): Are you a witness, victim, or defendant?
Man: I’m the guy who did it.
• Q: Were you involved in a romantic relationship with her?
A: I ain’t involved in no romantic relationship with her. I’m married to her.
• Counsel (to witness): Are you telling the truth?
Prosecutor: Objection; irrelevant.
• The defendant said that prior to the offense, he’d hoped to become a physician. But he believes that with a felony conviction, he will be precluded from achieving that goal. So he is now considering becoming a lawyer.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.