That’s Outrageous! Funny Court Transcripts

Nothing but the truth.

Nishant Choksi for Reader’s Digest

• Prosecutor: How fast was the car coming toward you?
Witness: I am not a thermometer, so I can’t tell you the speed limit.

• Attorney: What did the doctor tell you was the condition of the body when he performed the autopsy?
Witness: He described it as dead.

• Prosecutor: Do you see the defendant in court today?
Witness: Yes, I do.
Prosecutor: How is he dressed?
Witness: He looks pretty sharp.

• Prosecutor (addressing the court): The People have evidence that the life of the witness is in jeopardy, and it is reasonable to apprehend he will not be able to attend the trial if he is not alive at that time.

• Attorney: Can you explain what “state-dependent memory” refers to?
Witness: Yes. If a law student is drinking while studying for the exam, he would do well to bring beer into the examination, because he’ll be better able to re-create whatever it is he studied if he’s in a similar state of intoxication.
Court: That’s a novel thought.
Witness: You see why I’m no longer teaching at the law school.

• Counsel (to man in hallway): Are you a witness, victim, or defendant?
Man: I’m the guy who did it.

• Q: Were you involved in a romantic relationship with her?
A: I ain’t involved in no romantic relationship with her. I’m married to her.

• Counsel (to witness): Are you telling the truth?
Prosecutor: Objection; irrelevant.

• The defendant said that prior to the offense, he’d hoped to become a physician. But he believes that with a felony conviction, he will be precluded from achieving that goal. So he is now considering becoming a lawyer.

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