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27 Things Your Pizza Guy Won’t Tell You

Love pizza? Get smarter about service with our list of things pizza delivery people wish you knew before dialing in your order.

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It’s a pizza, not a lifetime commitment

My other line is ringing, so choose the toppings before you call. Just make sure it’s not the worst pizza topping of all time.

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We know when kids are prank-calling us

They can’t mask their voices very well. The smart ones block the phone number. The dumb ones don’t.

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Patience, please

Even if you’re ordering from the best pizzeria in your state, it takes about 20 minutes to go from raw dough to fully baked pizza. And then I have to drive to your house.

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Why won’t we deliver to some neighborhoods?

In some neighborhoods, a kid getting out of a car with a pizza in his hands is like screaming, “Rob me! I have cash!” I signed up to be a pizza delivery service driver, not a target.

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I’m a human being

When you see me drenched and shivering in the rain, it’s not nice to close the door in my face while you search for some quarters in the sofa cushions.

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Accidents happen

If I drop your pizza on the way, sometimes I’ll shake the box to get the cheese to slide back on right. That’s not even our worst offense; listen to these dirty secrets restaurant kitchen crews won’t tell you.

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Use your manners

When you open the door, please hang up your cell phone or put it down. It’s basic cell phone etiquette that most people forget to follow.

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Before you open the door,

I’d prefer that you have a shirt on (and definitely some pants).

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Tips should be 10 to 15 percent of your order

If you order a lot of pizza—say, hundreds of dollars’ worth, for a party or something—but give me a $1 tip, well, I’m going to have a problem with that. You’ll also want to take note of what the delivery man had to go through on the way to your house—here’s how much you should tip for pizza delivery service when the weather’s bad.

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I remember every customer who doesn’t tip

I won’t do anything to jeopardize my job, but shaking the soda on the next delivery would not be out of the question.

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I can’t wait forever

I’ll knock on your door three times and call you on the phone twice. If you don’t answer, don’t call later to complain that you didn’t get your food.

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Some people want more than just pizza

A guy once ordered pizza from me just so he’d have some help moving his sofa up a flight of stairs. I agreed to help him. He gave me a few extra bucks. I took it. It was definitely cheaper for him than hiring someone to move it.

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Telling me your address is just the first step

Making sure the number is on your house or mailbox is kind of important too.

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The more gated the community, the more guarded the wallet

The best tips actually come from middle- and lower-class people who know what pizza delivery service workers go through. In fact, a recent study revealed this is how Americans really tip.

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I’m just a kid

Many delivery drivers are teenage boys, and most parents don’t like their teenage boys driving around at night in downpours or blizzards. Yet these same people have no qualms about having other teenage kids deliver their pizza in these conditions. Come on, we’re not obligated to follow the postal carriers’ motto about making deliveries in all sorts of weather.

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There are always special customers

Like the little old lady who wants to pay her bill with a $5 check. I’ll take it because none of us want to be mean to a grandmother. But if she hasn’t ordered from us before, I won’t take it.

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Keep it short and sweet

We act like we really want to have a conversation with you at your door, but unless we know you, we don’t. Basically, we just want to get the delivery over with, even if you throw out an interesting conversation starter. I will try to be as nice to you as possible, but if you complain that I’m late, or if you have a problem with your order, I won’t be so nice.

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The majority of our employees work 12-14 hours a day

At the end of the day, we just want to go home. So please don’t call a pizza delivery service at closing time and then complain that we can’t accommodate you. Here’s how to save money eating out, according to restaurant workers.

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At our shop, we use our own cars to deliver pizza

Last week, one of our guys smashed his car into a pole on an icy road. Now he’s using a rental car.

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I’m one of the easiest people to get along with

But if you’re rude to me, I have no problem going toe-to-toe with you. I know how to win an argument with someone who’s “always right.”

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I can’t afford to be choosy

We have some fantastic customers and some who are just terrible. But I’ll deliver to them all—this is what I do. Here are the secrets fast food workers won’t tell you.

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I can’t wait much longer than a few minutes

Don’t jump in the shower right after you order pizza and then not the answer the door.

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If you live across the street, don’t ask for pizza delivery service

Please. Get off your rear end and pick up the pizza yourself.

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I’m over pizza

After I leave this job, I’m sure I won’t be able to eat pizza for at least a year, even if it has the most irresistible pizza toppings.

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Time is money

The majority of customers who stand there chatting about the weather are just trying to make up for not giving us tips.

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You ordered the pizza

You know how much it costs. Please have your money (and tip) ready when you answer the door.

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I don’t have the authority to give you a discount

Really, I don’t. I’m just the pizza delivery guy. Next, check out the things your restaurant server isn’t telling you.