Our 50 Funniest Jokes Ever
Let the arguments begin! Our humor editor says that these gags make him laugh every single time. See if you agree.
Hunting gone wrong
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
(This joke was voted funniest joke of all time in a 2002 online poll!)
A turtle and the snails
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.” Love animal jokes? Here are 17 horse jokes that you can’t help but laugh at.
What religion are bears?
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
(This joke was voted the funniest gag in a 2010 Reader’s Digest joke contest.)
Mystery of gas station bathrooms
“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”–George Carlin
Talking dog for sale
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!” Here are some jokes for work that can defuse an awkward situation.
Playing with fate
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”
The man says, “I make a good living.” Don’t miss these physics jokes that every science nerds will love.
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Facings the consequences
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.” Start using these 25 words that will make you instantly sound funny.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”–Demetri Martin
Stereotypes in real life
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Saving a Christian
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
Written and performed by comedian Emo Philips
Where’s the bathroom again?
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Soup or sex?
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.” These are 17 light bulb jokes that will instantly make you sound smart.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”–Steven Wright. Get ready for 15 more witty bar jokes anyone can remember.
A great fitting suit
The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.
“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”
“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.
“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only thirty dollars.”
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”
“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”
The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”
The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”
First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”
He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”
He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”
The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Who’s side are you on?
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”–Rodney Dangerfield. Here are 14 more jokes that only history buffs will understand.
Bigger in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.”–Mitch Hedberg
Let the job hunt begin
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”–Phyllis Diller. Don’t miss these 15 holiday party jokes that will get laughs at any party.
Ocean full of beer
Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.
The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
Brown bears vs. grizzly bears
A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger. “They’re full of small bells.”
God in a parking lot
A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”
Long live Woody Allen
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.” –Woody Allen
Hit it on the head
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith. Check out 21 more anti-jokes that are so funny you can’t help but laugh anyway.
A pessimist and an optimist
There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.
First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?”
“Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”
Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands.
“What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked.
The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”
(This was reportedly President Ronald Reagan’s favorite joke.)
Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only ten to live.”
Patient: “What do you mean, ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?!”
Doctor: “Nine.” For some more jokes, here are 50 jokes about all 50 United States.
A Russian goes to Ukraine
As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”
“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.” Don’t miss these 50 bad jokes that are actually really hilarious.
Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working.
He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.” If you want to sound like a genius, tell your friends one of these 25 clever jokes.
Secret agent Murphy
A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
“Hello,” said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”
“Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer. “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. In fact, my name is Murphy.”
“Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.”
“Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. He’s in the village over the other direction.” Need something shorter? Here are 75 short jokes everyone can remember.
A family affair
A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“What are you doing!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”
Follow the light
A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”
The dentist replies “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…”
The guys replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”
The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?”
And the guy says, “Your light was on.”
Three huts on a desert island
A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. “What are they used for?” the captain asks.
“Well, the hut one on the left is where I live,” says the man. “and the one on the right is where I go to church.”
“So what about that hut in the middle?”
The man sneers, “That’s the church I used to attend!”
Chicken’s for dinner
“Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing.”
“There’s a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the man’s wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”
“For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!” Want something shorter? Check out these 47 of the funniest one-liner jokes on the Internet.
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”
Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”
Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Morty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.” We have 21 more pirate jokes that’ll make everyone crack up.
A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. The first little boy says, “I’ll have some @#$%^& pancakes.”
The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. She glares at the other little boy and asks, “What do you want for breakfast?!”
The second boy says, “Well, I sure don’t want the @#$%^& pancakes!”
A Jew goes to confession
An old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. “Maybe 22,” he says. “A gorgeous blonde. I started lusting, Father.”
“Yes,” says the priest, “Lust is a dangerous sin.”
“There’s more,” says the man. “We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours.”
The priest pauses. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”
“I’ve never come. This is my first.”
“How is this your first confession?”
“Then… why are you telling me all this?”
“Telling you? I’m telling everyone!”
Barrel of beer
A man comes to Mrs. Smith’s door and says, “There’s been an accident at the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned.”
Mrs. Smith wails, “Oh, the poor man! He never had a chance!”
The man says, “I don’t know about that. He got out three times to go to the bathroom.”
Never give up
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”—Henry Youngman. Don’t miss these 47 jokes that comedians admit to cracking them up.
A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”
He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”
“No, this is the rink manager!” Try using one of these 19 cheesy pick-up lines that will guarantee anyone will laugh.
A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: “Have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Army vs. Navy
“When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That’s why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.”—Dick Gregory
The lie detector
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Mother laughs: “Ha! He really is your son!”
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