Some bad jokes deserve only eye rolls and groans. But somehow, these manage to be truly funny.
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If you’re American when you go in the bathroom …
… and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?
European.
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What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
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What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
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172
What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
…
Get it? Bad jokes don’t even need a punch line to be funny!
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There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta-way.
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172
Two muffins were sitting in an oven.
One turned to the other and said, “Wow, it’s pretty hot in here.” The other one shouted, “Wow, a talking muffin!”
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172
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
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What is Forrest Gump’s email password?
1forrest1.
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Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the “no-bell” prize.
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Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?
10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.
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172
What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum?
They’re both purple except for the rabbit.
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172
Two windmills are standing on a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favorite type of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
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172
I like elephants.
Everything else is irrelephant.
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What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
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172
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third guy ducks.
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172
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
We have to admit, we love a good “What do you call?” joke.
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Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For drizzle.
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172
Did you hear the story about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed some space.
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An in-vest-igator.
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What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Reality.
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A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.
After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.
“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” the bartender yells out.
The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”
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Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it’d be a foot.
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The wedding was so beautiful.
Even the cake was in tiers.
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Why don’t dinosaurs talk?
Because they’re dead.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Get it?
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What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
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What did the mime say to his audience?
Nothing. He stayed in character because he’s a professional.
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
“Supplies!”
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172
It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.
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What did the buffalo say when his son left?
“Bison!”
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What’s green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
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My new thesaurus is terrible.
Not only that, but it’s also terrible.
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob.
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What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
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What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
“Oops!”
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Three fish are in a tank.
One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”
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What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
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What do you call a man who can’t stand?
Neil.
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I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey …
… but then I turned myself around.
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Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
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I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
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Wife: “How do I look?”
Husband: “With your eyes.”
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What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
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Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.
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172
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs.
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172
I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
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RIP, boiled water.
You will be mist.
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What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
Phillipe Floppe.
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eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
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172
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke, joke, jooooooooooooooke.
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I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.
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What do you do if you see a fireman?
Put it out, man!
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172
That’s a pretty good ceiling.
It’s not the best, but it’s up there!
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172
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Actually, it’s more of a wrap.
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172
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderwear.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s OK. He woke up.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
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Why do you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re pretty good at it.
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You want to go down to the bar to hear that band called Duvet?
They’re a cover band.
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172
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
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172
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear ...
… is sphere itself.
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172
Name one fragrance commercial that has ever made sense.
What are you talking about? They all make scents!
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172
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark Hives.
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172
Where does the sheep go to get a haircut?
The baa baa shop.
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172
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
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172
I hate Russian dolls.
They’re so full of themselves.
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172
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter.
“That’s one too many!” says the customer. The clerk replies “It’s a freebie.”
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172
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
You might not believe me, but I saw it with my own eyes.
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172
I bought the newlyweds an elephant for their room.
They said, “Thank you.” I said, “Don’t mention it.”
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172
A limbo champ walks into a bar.
He loses.
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172
When the moon hits your knees, and you mispronounce trees …
Sycamore.
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172
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
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172
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
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172
What did the frustrated cat say?
“Are you kitten me right meow? Cat hiss ridiculous.”
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172
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
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172
The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge. I bet they are excited about flattening the curve, though.
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172
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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172
My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning.
It’s a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces.
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172
Why are there so many different kinds of pasta?
If I had a penne for every time I asked myself this question.
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172
What did The Rock say when the waiter offered him a box for his leftovers?
“I’m not much of a boxer, but I’ll wrestle you for it.”
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172
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
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172
Nurse: “Blood type?”
Dad: “Red.”
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172
A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence.
Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting, “20! 20! 20!”
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172
I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married.
The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was amazing.
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172
What do you call a magician who lost their magic?
Ian.
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172
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
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172
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus.
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172
I had a chip implanted in my body.
It was a Cool Ranch Dorito.
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172
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
We love this bad joke because it never grows old! (Sorry, we couldn’t help ourselves.)
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172
To kill a French vampire, you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.
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172
What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises! When do we want them?
NNNNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
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172
A weasel walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
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172
Today I gave my dead batteries away.
They were free of charge.
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172
Why do ghosts love elevators?
It lifts their spirits.
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172
Five guys walk into a bar.
You think one of them would’ve seen it.
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172
Who are caterpillars’ biggest enemies?
Dogerpillars.
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172
Why do fish live in saltwater?
Pepper makes them sneeze.
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172
Why do you tell actors to break a leg?
Every play has a cast.
105
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172
What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz?
Cheese Was.
106
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172
Someone stole my mood ring.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
107
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172
What kind of dogs love car racing?
Lap dogs.
108
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172
Library patron: “Do you sell any books on paranoia?”
Librarian: “They’re right behind you!”
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172
My favorite word is “drool.”
It just rolls off the tongue.
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172
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.
Do not read it.
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172
What do you call birds who stick together?
Vel-crows.
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172
I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.
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172
I’m terrified of elevators …
… so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
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172
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
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172
This library has two stories.
Can hardly call it a library.
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172
I like to spend every day as if it’s my last.
Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.
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172
Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?
The cow’s got the udder.
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172
How does your feline shop?
By reading a catalog.
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172
What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
Satisfactory.
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172
What do you call a dangerous sun shower?
A rain of terror.
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172
What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?
Its butt.
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172
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad.
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172
I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.
Never again.
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172
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
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172
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
“Robin, get in the car.”
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172
I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear.
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172
Why did the chicken marry the crocodile?
Because crocodooladoo is a good family name.
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172
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
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172
My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
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172
Have you heard of Murphy’s Law? OK, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
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172
When you look really closely …
… all mirrors look like eyeballs.
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172
Did you know Jesus drove a Honda but just didn’t talk about it?
John 12:49: “For I did not speak of my own accord.”
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172
How do you talk to Italian ghosts?
With a Luigi board.
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172
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
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172
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, “I need you to help me to get to the other side!”
The other guy shouts, “You are on the other side!”
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172
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
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172
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Safety always comes first.
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172
This is your captain speaking.
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
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172
How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut.
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172
Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments?
Mount Rushmore.
145
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172
I bought a dog from a locksmith.
The second I got him in the house, he made a bolt for the door.
146
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172
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
147
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172
Have you heard the one about the jump rope?
Never mind, skip it.
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172
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
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172
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
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172
What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
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172
What did the swordfish say to the marlin?
“You’re lookin’ sharp.”
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172
What kind of ghost has the best hearing?
The eeriest.
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172
Where can you buy soup in bulk?
The stock market.
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172
How do you stop a bull from charging?
Cancel its credit card.
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172
What was the frog’s job at the hotel?
Bellhop.
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172
Why are the Irish so wealthy?
Their capital is Dublin.
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172
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?
A receding hare line.
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172
What kind of shoes do robbers wear?
Sneakers.
159
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172
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
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172
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
161
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172
What do you call banana peel shoes?
Slippers.
162
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172
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
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172
Why were they called the Dark Ages?
There were lots of knights.
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172
Want to hear a roof joke?
This one’s on the house.
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172
What kind of pants does Mario wear?
Denim, denim, denim.
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172
How does the squid go into battle?
Well-armed.
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172
I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I’m OK.
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172
You’re not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.
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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
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What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
Submit your best joke here and get $25 if Reader’s Digest runs it.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
