Share on Facebook

32 Funny Drinking Quotes That Will Make You Spit Your Drink Out

Made for everyone who gets a little too excited for happy hour.

Getty Images, rd.com

Steve Martin

“Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.”—Steve Martin

He was a wise man who invented beer.” —PlatoGetty Images, rd.com

Plato

“He was a wise man who invented beer.” —Plato. The compliment of “wise” really means a lot coming from Plato. We’d like to think he’d also enjoy these funny drinking quotes AND these clever jokes that make you sound smart.

“Why do I drink Champagne for breakfast? Doesn’t everyone?” —Noel CowardGetty Images, rd.com

Noel Coward

“Why do I drink Champagne for breakfast? Doesn’t everyone?” —Noel Coward. We might have to start after looking at these candid cartoons about politics and money.

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.” – Joe E. EllisGetty Images, rd.com

Joe E. Ellis

“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.” – Joe E. Ellis

"If girls always treated each other like we do when we're drunk in the girl's bathroom, the world would be a happier place." —AnonymousGetty Images, rd.com

Anonymous

“If girls always treated each other like we do when we’re drunk in the girl’s bathroom, the world would be a happier place.” —Anonymous. Keep the laughter rolling beyond these funny drinking quotes with the 101 funniest quotes of all time.

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” – Humphrey BogartGetty Images, rd.com

Humphrey Bogart

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” – Humphrey Bogart

"In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power, and in water there is bacteria." —AnonymousGetty Images, rd.com

Anonymous

“In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power, and in water there is bacteria.” —Anonymous

“There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of Champagne.”—Bette DavisGetty Images, rd.com

Bette Davis

“There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of Champagne.”—Bette Davis

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." —Oscar WildeGetty Images, rd.com

Oscar Wilde

“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” —Oscar Wilde. They may not be as eloquent as Oscar Wilde, but we still think you’ll get a laugh out of these jokes the internet is already making about murder hornets.

"Men are like wine—some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age." —Pope John XXIIIGetty Images, rd.com

Pope John XXIII

“Men are like wine—some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.” —Pope John XXIII

“Either give me more wine or leave me alone.” ― RumiGetty Images, rd.com

Rumi

“Either give me more wine or leave me alone.” ―Rumi

“If God had intended us to drink beer, he would have given us stomachs.”—David DayeGetty Images, rd.com

David Daye

“If God had intended us to drink beer, he would have given us stomachs.”—David Daye

“Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient Champagne.”—Dorothy ParkerGetty Images, rd.com

Dorothy Parker

“Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient Champagne.”—Dorothy Parker

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” —Henny YoungmanGetty Images, rd.com

Henry Youngman

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” —Henny Youngman. Funny drinking quotes like this one remind us of all these bad dad jokes from twitter you can’t help but laugh at.

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” —Ernest HemingwayGetty Images, rd.com

Ernest Hemingway

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” —Ernest Hemingway

“Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.”—Conan O'BrienGetty Images, rd.com

Conan O’Brien

“Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.”—Conan O’Brien

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”—Dave BarryGetty Images, rd.com

Dave Barry

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”—Dave Barry. We’ll have to add this to the list of funny sayings that are worth memorizing.

“I only drink Champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not.”—Coco ChanelGetty Images, rd.com

Coco Chanel

“I only drink Champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not.”—Coco Chanel. Enjoy more funny love quotes that will give you the giggles.

”I wish to live to 150 years old, but the day I die, I wish it to be with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other.”—Ava GardnerGetty Images, rd.com

Ava Gardner

”I wish to live to 150 years old, but the day I die, I wish it to be with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other.”—Ava Gardner

“Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?”—Jerry SeinfeldGetty Images, rd.com

Jerry Seinfeld

“Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?”—Jerry Seinfeld. But until that happens, here are the wine terms you should know.

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.”—Frank SinatraGetty Images, rd.com

Frank Sinatra

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.”—Frank Sinatra. Looking for an even bigger laugh? Try these funny photos that are guaranteed to crack you up.

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? You know there’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”—Drew CareyGetty Images, rd.com

Drew Carey

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? You know there’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”—Drew Carey

“Too much of anything is bad, but too much Champagne is just right.”—F. Scott FitzgeraldGetty Images, rd.com

F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Too much of anything is bad, but too much Champagne is just right.”—F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast.”—Compton MackenzieGetty Images, rd.com

Compton Mackenzie

“Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast.”—Compton Mackenzie

“I drink to make other people more interesting.”—Ernest HemingwayGetty Images, rd.com

Ernest Hemingway

“I drink to make other people more interesting.”—Ernest Hemingway. Check out these other Ernest Hemingway quotes.

“I exercise self-control and never touch a beverage stronger than gin before breakfast.”—W. C. FieldsGetty Images, rd.com

W.C. Fields

“I exercise self-control and never touch a beverage stronger than gin before breakfast.”—W. C. Fields

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”—Dean MartinGetty Images, rd.com

Dean Martin

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”—Dean Martin

“A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.”—Louis PasteurGetty Images, rd.com

Louis Pasteur

“A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.”—Louis Pasteur. But you should probably read these 20 books anyway.

“Sure I eat what I advertise. Sure I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with bourbon can't be beat.”—Dizzy DeanGetty Images, rd.com

Dizzy Dean

“Sure I eat what I advertise. Sure I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with bourbon can’t be beat.”—Dizzy Dean

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”—Rodney DangerfieldGetty Images, rd.com

Rodney Dangerfield

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”—Rodney Dangerfield

“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”—Phyllis DillerGetty Images, rd.com

Phyllis Diller

“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”—Phyllis Diller. Keep laughing with these 75 funny words you’ve never heard of before.

“I work until beer o'clock.”—Stephen KingGetty Images, rd.com

Stephen King

“I work until beer o’clock.”—Stephen King. Have you tried any of these 50 craft beers from each of the 50 states?