Q: What is Santa Claus' laundry detergent of choice? A: Yule-Tide.  

Q: How does Santa keep his bathroom tiles immaculate? A: He uses Comet.  

Q: What's Santa's favorite song by the Ramones? A: Blitzen-krieg Bop.  

Q: Why does St. Nick like the Temptations’ version of Silent Night best? A: Because Santa Was A Rolling Stone.  

I was teaching my 3-year-old granddaughter, Taylor, how to shoot baskets on her child-sized basketball hoop. After missing three shots in a row, she gave me the ball and said, “Grandma, this thing doesn’t work!”

When our son was young, his grandma joked about the Sandman and how he put kids to sleep by sprinkling “sleepy sand” in their eyes. Later that day I found Chico napping with his head in a cardboard box. When I asked him why, he said he wasn’t going to let anyone put sand in his eyes. I couldn’t convince him it was a fairy tale, because Grandma wouldn’t lie!

When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano. Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. As we walked by later he said, “I better close the piano or the boogeyman will play some scary songs.”

Some time ago, my daughter Nori was writing an essay she called, “It Takes Two to Tangle.” I tried explaining to her that the saying is actually about the tango, a very intricate dance. But I guess it is true that the two dancers may tangle if they don’t watch their steps.

My son Ryan was 2 years old when his daddy took him out to the little trout pond we built in our backyard. His dad spent a few minutes showing Ryan how to throw the line in the water to catch a fish. Then he said, “OK, son, throw it in.” Ryan threw the entire pole into the water.

Living on a farm all his life, my dad was used to climbing over fences. The quickest way was to place both hands on the top rail and bound over it. He learned to always look before leaping when, one day, a five-foot snake, sunning itself along the top rail, rose up to meet him as he used his climbing method!

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed and lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus and drove up over the curb, stopping inches from a large window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the driver quietly said, “Please don’t do that! You scared the daylights out of me.” The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn’t realize a tap on the shoulder could startle someone so much—to which the driver replied, “It’s really not your fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving 
a hearse for 25 years.”

Q: Why did the computer show up at work late? A: It had a 
hard drive.

When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”

Marrying into an established farm family has provided quite the education. I anticipated the long hours. I anticipated the hard work. I even anticipated the laundry room piled with mountains of farm clothes that, based on the stench, I didn’t know if I could salvage. What caught me completely off guard was how to speak the language.

Take, for example, field names. If I had a degree in agriculture, it still wouldn’t help me figure out what field is what. It took years not to get sweaty palms every time I needed to deliver parts, lunch or coffee to a field! In Green House field, it turns out the green house was painted blue decades ago. And it’s not even close to the local flower nursery, much to my surprise—and borne out by my excess 
mileage. Big Oak field hasn’t had an oak since who knows when, but it’s still remembered by it! “Must have been some oak tree,” I’ve mumbled under my breath. One day I was walking the dog down our country road and stopped to shoot the breeze with one of the farmers I hadn’t met before. But when I said “Hello, Mr. Strippy,” I soon found out his nickname has nothing to do with his given name, but everything to do with planting crops in strips. Who knew?

Getting two young children and myself dressed and ready for church was challenging. As we rushed out the door, I knew it was going to be a close call getting there on time. The usher greeted me and quickly guided me toward the front row. Once seated, I immediately felt like I was being watched.

After what felt like eternity but was only a few minutes, a lady tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Do you realize you have curlers in your hair?” I had rushed out so fast I forgot about the curlers. Needless to say, I was so embarrassed I felt like crawling under the seat. Now I check the back of my head before leaving home, and 
I sit in the back of the church.

As I was driving the other day, I saw a sign on a business that read “Whistlepig Alley Antiques.” It reminded me of an event that happened many years ago when I was living in the community of Granny Squirrel, near Andrews, North Carolina.

While watching TV one day, 
I heard strange sounds. I tried to not overreact, but in my mind I thought it could be ghosts, or that maybe I was hearing things. 
The noise was the craziest high-pitched whistling sound. That went on for a week; then one day my landlord told me three groundhogs had crawled under the home. Now I know why Appalachian folks call them whistle pigs. Once you hear groundhogs "speaking," you will never forget it.

Q: Why did the dieter go to the paint store? A: He wanted to get thinner.

Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? A: Because they cantaloupe.

What does a grape say when it gets stepped on? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

Boy, I just got hit in the head with a can of soda. I was lucky it was a soft drink.

Q: What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? A: Pulled-Pork.

I went to a seafood restaurant and slipped. I pulled a mussel.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Q: What do you call the king of vegetables? A: Elvis Parsley.

You know what’s hard to beat for breakfast? A boiled egg.

I always have toast with my breakfast because I’m lack-toast intolerant.

Spending a lot of time at the coffee bar can cause a latte problems.

Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

A guy just threw a glass of milk at me. How dairy!

I was going to grow an herb garden, but I couldn’t find the thyme.

The majority of Americans find bananas a peeling.

The price of candy at the movie theater is ridiculous. They're always raisinet!

Every morning I think I’m going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.

I love when candy canes are in mint condition.

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak.

Q: Where do snowmen keep their money? A: In a snow bank.

Mom and Dad told Julia, our granddaughter, that she was going to have a baby sister or brother. “It’s a secret and we don’t tell secrets,” they said.

In Sunday school class, Julia’s teacher asked if anyone had a prayer request. Julia said, “I don’t tell secrets, but it’s going to be born next summer.”

While our great-granddaughters were getting ready for bed on Christmas Eve, Molly had a loose tooth that she wanted to pull.

Addison said, “Don’t you dare pull that tooth out tonight because the Tooth Fairy wants to be with her family.” Molly waited until Christmas to pull her tooth.

On New Year’s Eve, I’ll join my friends to toast the days ahead. We’ll all stay up until it’s late, then eat a tasty spread. At midnight, though, I might just wish that I were home instead, sleeping very peacefully in my warm, cozy bed.

My grandson picked up his son, Graham, after work and asked him what he had for lunch.

Graham said, “Cold.” Turns out, they had chili.

Did you hear that Santa knows karate? He has a black belt.

When my son, William, was young, we belonged to a small country church. On Communion day, deacons would pass around the “bread and juice.” One Sunday, we attended a church out of town that was more formal. What our church called bread and juice, this one referred to as elements, a word William didn’t understand. As Communion began, the pastor said, “If the deacons will come forward, the elements will pass among us.” William was suddenly excited and I didn’t know why. Then he leaned toward me, whispering something that caused me to burst out laughing. With all eyes on us, I took him by the hand and we made a hasty exit. All the way to the car, he protested. “Mom, we’re going to miss the circus. The pastor said the elephants were going to pass among us!”

Pollen and allergies got the best of Liam, my 9-year-old son, so he stayed home from school with his grandma. When I got home from work, he said he had brushed our dog, Abby. Knowing that I kept the dog’s brush up out of reach so she couldn’t chew on it, I asked, “How did you know where I keep Abby’s brush?” He gave me a puzzled look and said matter-of-factly, “I didn’t. I used your brush.”

Several years ago we headed to a nearby town to visit some relatives. I had a new car and was having fun driving fast on the twisty country roads. As we zoomed along, I noticed a three-legged chicken keeping pace with me. I slowed to get a better look at the speedster when it turned and went down a dirt road. I stopped, turned around and followed it. After a short ride, we came upon a house with an older couple sitting on the porch and dozens of three-legged chickens in the yard. I asked them, “Are these your chickens? They’re the fastest I’ve ever seen.” The old man said, “Yep.” So I asked him where they came from, and he replied, “When the kids were younger, they always fought over the chicken legs, so we decided to breed a three-legged chicken.” I nodded and said, “Well, they are fast, but what do they taste like?” He admitted, “Not rightly sure; we never could catch one.”

While walking along a trail, 
my 7-year-old grandson, Ryan, commented, “There’s a fork in the road back there.”

“Really?” I asked, imagining someone’s missing silverware. But then a thought occurred to me. “Oh, was it a plastic one?” Laughing hysterically, Ryan said, “No, Grandma, it’s where the road splits in two!”

What breed of dog tells 
off-color jokes? A smutt.

My 7-year-old, Ethan, was excited about his turn for show-and-tell coming up. He asked if he could bring our dog. Ethan has a classmate who has severe allergies to nuts, and I wanted to be sure his friend wasn’t affected by nonfood allergies. “Is your classmate allergic to dogs?” I asked. Ethan replied, “I don’t know. Do dogs have nuts in them?”

Last year my youngest granddaughter, Samantha Grace, started kindergarten. After a few days, she came home and said, “Grandpa, I learned the slide rule today.” I was happy to hear that she was learning something new and really pleased it was about math. I asked her to explain it, and she said, “Only one kid on the slide at a time.”

So much for math!

After a long Thanksgiving Day of eating and playing, my 3-year-old granddaughter asked her mother to carry her. When I asked if her legs were broken, Aislin said, “Yes, they’re out of batteries.”

One fall day my daughter, Mia, and her boys were walking in the garden so she could show them the autumn harvest. Making sure they looked where they were stepping, she said, “Watch out for the butternut squash.” My 4-year-old grandson, Sawyer, asked, “Better not squash what?”

Our 8-year-old granddaughter Raven,  a city girl, asked to help me cook. “Get some potatoes out of that red basket,” I said. The potatoes were starting to sprout but were still usable. She hurried over to the basket but didn’t come back. I looked that way and saw that she was just standing there. “Raven, are you going to get those potatoes?” I asked.

Looking a bit bewildered, she replied, “Grandma, did you know your potatoes have thorns?”

A grandpa told his grandson that ballpoint pens hadn’t yet been invented when he was a boy. “Was that back when they used feathers?” the child asked.

My sister is a teacher in our rural district. During afternoon class, she had a flyswatter hanging out of her back pocket. One of her students said “she looked like she was fixin’ to show a hog”!

“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin  A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

My wife noticed an interesting home advertised in the local paper and decided to visit the open house. Upon arrival she thought it strange that there was no “for sale” sign, but the front door was unlocked, so she walked in. A man was sleeping on the living room couch, and a woman stepped around the corner with a dishtowel in her hands. The man awoke and the three of them stared at each other with surprise. My wife, realizing her mistake, blurted out, “I guess this isn’t the open house,” and retreated to her car as the man and woman watched her through a window. Looking over her notes, she realized she was on 12th Place instead of 12th Street. Embarrassed and rattled, she drove home without viewing the open house.

A couple was expecting a baby. On the way to the hospital, the parents-to-be realized they were not going to make it in time, so the man called 911 for an ambulance to meet them. The operator asked if this was the woman’s first child, and the man said, “No, this is her husband.”

At his birthday party, my grandson said, “I love you,” and I replied, “I love you, too.” Then he said, “I wish you were 5 years old like me so you would be around longer.”

Asked by the teacher to give the definition of a yard sale, my niece Melissa, then 14, said, “It’s stuff you sell to neighbors and friends because they don’t have enough junk of their own.”

When we saw a mare nursing her colt, my daughter Jennifer asked me what the horse was doing. I explained that the mare was giving the colt some milk. After thinking for a moment, Jennifer said, “What does she do if he wants juice?”

Q: What are hot dogs called in winter? A: Chilly dogs

I was picking up my letters at the post office when I heard a boy ask his mother if they had gotten any mail. She said, “No, just bills.” Then he asked, “Why do we always get his mail?”

Q: How do you stay warm in an empty room?

A: Go stand in the corner—it’s always 90 degrees.

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?

It was three feet deep, on average.

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

A: Because it's two gross.

Q: Why was the math book depressed? A: Because it had so many problems.

Q: Are monsters good at math? A: No, unless you Count Dracula.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "Give me a beer."

The second says, "I'll have a half a beer."

The third says, "A quarter of a beer, please."

The bartender pours two beers and says, "Come on, people. Know your limits."

Q: Why do teenagers always travel in groups of 3, 5, or 7?

A: Because they can’t even.