One-Liners

Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh.

Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O’Brien.

Too Much Time

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.

Kids These Days

Have you played the updated kids' game? I Spy With My Little Eye . . . Phone.

Bar Set High

A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Bad Day Ahead

You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

Marking Their Territory

A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

Doing Time

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Precisely!

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

Tough Sentencing

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll...

The Right to Remain Silent

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

Lost for Words

I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful.

Sure About That?

So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.

The Write Stuff

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

Not-So-Comic Timing

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

Early morning revelations

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

Ode to tortillas

I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

Velcro

Velcro—what a rip-off!

Vacuum cleaner

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Bothersome questions

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Russian dolls

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

Weighing every viewpoint

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

Remembering the good times

The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.

Squeaky clean thoughts

I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once until now.

Late night munchies

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

Rock, paper, ticket

Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

Check your math

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

Supercharged swine

A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”

The lost socks

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”

The original iPad

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

All Opposed Say Neigh

“Um.” —First horse that got ridden  

No Onion, No Cry

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

What’s the Quesa-deally-yo?

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

Steve Martin on Success

Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way. Steve Martin

Gore Vidal on The Four Most Beautiful Words

The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so. Gore Vidal

Gordie Howe on The Language of Sports

All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity. Gordie Howe, hockey player

Bonnie McFarlane on The Toughest Language…

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane

Steven Wright on Language Tapes

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright

Friendly Competition…

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

Michael Ian Black on Mom’s Best Dish

When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies. —Michael Ian Black, 
from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)

If You Need Something Done Wrong…

“Next time I send a damn fool, 
I go myself.” —Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the 
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I

Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” @ElizaBayne

Never Lose A Tank

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship. Comedian Dick Gregory

The Point of A Conference Call

A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times. @DamienFahey

Tim Siedell on The Revenant

The Revenant (2015). 
An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to 
do whatever it takes to 
finally win an Oscar. @badbanana (Tim Siedell)

Nathan Usher on Luke Skywalker

Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times. @thenatewolf (Nathan Usher)

Liz Hackett On What The ’80s Taught Her

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now. @LizHackett

Karen Kilgariff On The Walking Dead

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?” @KarenKilgariff

The Problem With Scooby-Doo

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions. @SCbchbum (Erica)

Jenny Mollen Defines Drama

Drama: a word boring people use 
to describe fun people. @jennyandteets (Jenny Mollen)

Sign In New-Agey Woodstock, New York:

“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.” Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York

What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:

1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. OK, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts. @Ristolable

Una LaMarche on Spring Fashion

No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season. @sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)

Tom Parry on Folk Wisdom

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day. Humorist Tom Parry

Michelle Wolf on A Friend’s Pregnancy

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)

Aaron Fullerton on Spelling

We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important 
to teach them that there’s no a in 
definitely. Humorist Aaron Fullerton

Robin McCauley on Wine

This may be the wine talking, 
but I really, really, really, really love wine. @RobinMcCauley

A Businessman On Perfection…

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Businessman Stanley Randall

#ReadingGoals

Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club. @RandiLawson

Bonnie McFarlane On The Key To A Good Marriage

I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, 
from You’re...

Honest Brand Slogans

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by 
a corporation.” Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.” CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.” Gillette:...

Bullseye

Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop. Humorist Reid Kerr

Fluent in Ink

I think it's pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos. Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

A Classic Conundrum

I’m trying to get into classical 
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands. Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

A Few Grams More

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside. @JoshGondelman

When Relatives Attack

There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss. @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)

Certainly (Undoubtedly, Definitely…)

Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage. @dinokitten

The Smell of Confusion

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works? @bridger_w 
(Bridger...

Simile and Say Cheese

We get it, poets: Things are like other things. @shutupmikeginn (Mike Ginn)

Nevermore Relevant

Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if 
a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up. @SeanWhiteComedy 
(Sean Gilbert White)

Reading The Fifth

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...” Demetri Martin

Seriously, How Many Blondes?

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP. @RobinMcCauley

Couch Potatoes, Take Heart

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace. @longwall26

A Light-bulb Moment

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant. Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)