What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.
—Michael Ian Black, from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)
“Next time I send a damn fool, I go myself.”
—Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Comedian Dick Gregory