The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, 
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and 
at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad. Comedian Mark Chalifoux

Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share 
the most embarrassing times they got caught. “I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop 
monitor.” “I lied and told my dad school 
was canceled. He said, ‘Let’s go see 
a movie.’ We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.” “I was Facebooking in church, and the usher passed by and whispered, ‘You better be texting Jesus.’” Source: The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, 
she threw her arms in the air 
and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can 
go to Harvard!” Jan and Jack McCloskey, 
San Francisco, California

My friend called me in hysterics. “I just saw a mouse in my kitchen!” she yelled. “I’m so grossed out! It’s 
so disgusting!” “What are you going to do?” 
I asked. “I’m not sure. But you can bet I’ll never eat the stuff I drop on the floor anymore.” Kirsten Lauth, Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio

Scene: Horseback-riding stable. Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter. Me: Our horses are very sweet ... Mom: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over there? It’s the perfect size for her! Me: Um … that’s a goat. From notalwaysright.com

Gauging from these exam 
excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés. “The costumes were vindictive 
of the style of dance.” “I commend Bill T. Jones for 
his acts of true kindness and 
selfishness.” “Dancers must have long limps.” “At first, I had a hard time 
understanding and interrupting 
his movement.” “Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.” Kathy Dubois, Onalaska, Wisconsin

During college, I worked on 
a conveyor belt. One day, I was 
on a blind date, and she asked me about my job. “I work at the end of a belt,” I said. With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?” Skip Parker, Reno, Nevada

Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.” From Rolling Stone

Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral. From clientsfromhell.net

“Has your son decided what 
he wants to be when he grows up?” 
I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” 
he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.” “Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.” Source: guy-sports.com

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?” @Robfee

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!” Submitted by Paul Stewart, 
Richmond, Utah

A crafty young bard named McMahon, Whose poetry never would scan, Once said, with a pause, “It’s probably because I’m always trying to cram as 
many extra syllables into the 
last line as I possibly can.” Source: extremelysmart.com

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.” “Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never 
remember the name.” Submitted by R. s., via mail

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else. @PeachCoffin

• Couch = People Shelf • Books = Manual Films • Bracelets = Clockless Watches • Air Horn = Spray Scream • Bottled Water = Snowman Blood • Feather = Bird Leaf From sliptalk.com

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor. “I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba. The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?” “I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.” Submitted by Kenneth Roberts, 
Mauston, Wisconsin

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous. @sixthformpoet

I left the mess tent of our northern Iraq base, carrying a piece of triple-chocolate fudge cheesecake. Just then, an enemy mortar exploded nearby. I hit the ground with one thing in mind—protecting my dessert! My sergeant saw me and demanded, “Soldier, where is your weapon?” “Don’t worry, Sarge,” I said. “I can always get another M16. But we rarely have cheesecake.” Jay Bisping, Atchison, Kansas

My nephew was in the bathroom shaving when the phone rang, so 
his four-year-old daughter, Amanda, 
answered. It was her father’s sergeant. Hearing a child’s voice, the sergeant said, “Hello. I’m your dad’s boss. May I speak to him?” Amanda turned toward the 
bathroom and shouted, “Dad, the president’s on the phone.” Judy Newberry, Yorba Linda, California

My friend is an elementary school teacher who shares her classroom stories on Facebook. She recently posted the following: “Question of the day: ‘Miss Kassa, do you work?’ ” Kathy Surey, Elmira, Ontario

Q: What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say? A: I hear invoices! Stephen Pickering, Marshall, Michigan

I was performing my musical 
act at an elementary school one day. The principal charged all the kids 
25 cents each to impress upon them that art isn’t free. As the kindergartners filed in, one scowling little boy fixed me with a hard stare and said, “This had better be worth a quarter.” I can honestly say that was the most stressful gig I’ve ever played. Gerri Gribi, Green Bay, Wisconsin

• “I am currently out at a job 
interview and will reply to you if 
I fail to get the position.” • “Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.” • “I’m not in the office right 
now, but if it’s important, tweet 
me using #YOUAREINTERRUPTINGMYVACATION.” Source: hubspot.com

Anyone who says the sexes 
were created equal hasn’t worked 
in an office with one thermostat. Matt Wohlfarth

Scene: I’m on the phone with 
a customer. Me: Was the first letter of that name an F as in Frank or an S as in Sam? Customer: It’s an S … as in Frank. Jack Tolin, Salem, Missouri

When the coffeemaker went 
on the fritz, I joked that maybe it was the fault of the cockroaches. Our 
office manager was not amused. “We don’t have cockroaches,” she said, putting me straight. “What about all the roach traps?” 
I asked, pointing to one. “A lot you know—those aren’t roach traps,” she sniffed. “They’re mousetraps.” A. S., Croton-on-Hudson, New York

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. 
I didn’t want 
to go, because I’ve put on, like, 100 pounds. Wendy Liebman

I’ve never been good with math, 
but I accepted it from an early age. My teacher would hand me a math test, and I’d just write, “I’m going to marry someone who can do this.” Rita Rudner

As long as there is algebra, there will be prayer in school. Larry Miller

[I enrolled in] a private-detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought, Either I got ripped off, or this is my first case. Mike Vecchione

Nothing I learned in school prepared me for life. My first book should have read, “See Dick balance his checkbook. See Jane leave an unhealthy relationship. Run, Jane, run!” Kate Mason

I want to take one 
of those English as 
a second language courses—just go in and blow everybody away on the first day. Craig Anton

Sweatpants—Warm. Resilient. 
Covered in cookie crumbs. Babies—Adorable. Potty trained. With a nice crib. Knives—Easy to handle. Clean-cut. In the kitchen. Cheese—Sharp. Good with wine. Easily molded. Books—Novel. Unpredictable. 
With a spine. Sara K. Runnels, from mcsweeneys.net

After arriving late to the 
Tower of London and to Buckingham Palace, the tour group finally 
arrived at Runnymede. The guide 
announced, “On this very spot, the historic Magna Carta was signed.” A woman asked, “When was that?” The guide said, “1215.” “I knew it,” said the woman. “We missed it by 15 minutes.” Submitted by Helen Russ, Medford, Oregon

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other. “What are you in for?” asks one. “I’m here to have my tonsils taken out,” the second replies. “Don’t worry,” the first says. “I had that operation when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, you get ice cream.” The other boy, now relieved, asks, “What are you here for?” “A circumcision.” “Whoa, good luck. I had that done when I was born, and I couldn’t walk for a year.” Submitted by Kathy Valenta, 
Chesterfield, Michigan

A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water. Comedian Greg Davies

My husband and I rented a cottage, and our son agreed to join us in a few days. I texted him to bring fuel for the fires, as the evenings were chilly. A few days later, we heard that a relative had died, and I texted our son with the funeral arrangements. Somehow, the messages got scrambled, resulting in his receiving the texts almost simultaneously—but in reverse order. They read, “Uncle’s funeral at crematorium 11:30 on Saturday” ... “Bring logs for the fire.” Iain Duncan, Perth, Scotland

I was playing a guessing game with my four-year-old grandson. 
The clue: “It’s something your mom uses to clean.” The correct answer: 
A broom. My grandson’s answer: “A cleaning lady.” Mary Mehring, Brookfield, Wisconsin

I couldn’t understand why my son was so outraged by his friend drinking out of our hose. “What’s the big deal?” I asked. “Mom,” he moaned, “he puts his mouth on it! It’s disgusting!” “But why do you care so much?” “Because I drink out of that hose!” Judy Keith, Tampa, Florida

After many trips over the years to Disney World with our nephew, my husband and I were eager to hear about his first time there without us and on his own dime. He summed it up quite well when he said, “I discovered that Disney World is not so magical when I’m paying for it.” Barbara Andrews, South Bend, Indiana

While filling out a doctor’s medical questionnaire, I was stumped by this entry: “Choose one: Hispanic __ Non-Hispanic __ Other __.” Roberta Frank, Norwalk, Connecticut

When I saw an elderly woman struggling to get her walker out of the car, I jumped into action. I grabbed the walker by the handles and tussled with it until it came out. Then I opened the collapsed legs, put them in the locked position, and placed the walker in front of her. Voilà! “Thank you,” she said. “But I was trying to put it into the car.” Richard Pariseau, Arlington, Virginia

I was a medic in the Army. One day, I woke up with terrible back pain. I went to the sick hall, where 
I was told I’d be taken to the hospital. After an hour, the captain came over. “Sorry for the delay,” he said. “But we can’t find the ambulance driver.” “Captain,” I said, “I’m the ambulance driver.” Joseph Dunn, Harveys Lake, Pennsylvania

• Translate percentages into 
fractions: If someone says that “25 percent of people clicked 
on this button,” quickly chime in 
with “So about one in four,” and make a note. Everyone will nod 
in agreement, secretly impressed. • Ask the presenter to go back 
a slide: Do this at any point in the presentation, and you’ll look like you’re paying closer attention than anyone else. • Nod continuously while pretending to take notes: Always bring 
a notepad with you. Take notes 
by writing down one word from every sentence you hear. Nod continuously while doing so. • Encourage everyone to “take a step back”: There comes a point in most meetings when everyone is chiming in, except you. This is 
a great point to say “Guys, guys, can we take a step back here?” Followed by a quick “What 
problem are we trying to solve?” You’ve just bought yourself 
another hour of looking clever. Source: sadanduseless.com

My style is “dress for the job 
you want,” and the job I want is 
unemployed independently wealthy eccentric recluse. —@behindyourback

Among the questions on the 
job-application forms I handed out at our factory was one asking whom to notify in case of an accident. One job seeker wrote, “Anybody in sight.” Jack Worthington, 
Foxborough, Massachusetts

A London commuter hurrying to a job interview pushed and cursed a man on a crowded subway—the man who was to conduct the interview. Our commuter didn’t get the job, so the Week asked its readers to title a career-advice book he might write: Mind the Gap Between Brain 
and Mouth    —Joe Valetti I’ll Take This Job and Shove You —Lesley Hammer The Advantages of Working from Home    —Bill O’Meara

Earlier this year, sports editor Robert Cessna received two e-mails from an irate reader. The first excoriated him for leaving out the fact that the Texas A&M women’s basketball team was playing that day. “We seriously need more attendance,” she wrote, “so how in the world does our local newspaper not mention that?” She wasn’t through. “There are words sufficient to show how irritated I am, but I chose not to use them.” She then signed it, “Upset Reader.” Soon after, Upset Reader sent her second e-mail: “Sorry. I was reading last week’s paper.” Source: myaggienation.com

The question we hate having 
to answer at our family-owned 
restaurant is “What’s good tonight?” 
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So I braced myself one night when 
I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband. He calmly replied, “Anything over $17.95.” From gcfl.net

“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram @kristencarney

I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.” Kevin Nealon

The Coney Island Cyclone is one of the oldest roller coasters in the world … built in 1927. Yeah. They should change the name to “1927!” because that fact is way scarier than 
cyclones. Kumail Nanjiani

Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane. Dennis Miller

Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year. Steven Wright

My gunnery sergeant and 
I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. “Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant?” I asked. He snapped off a salute and 
responded, “I don’t know, sir!” 
Turning to the sergeant, he asked, “Gunnery, where is my foxhole?” “You’re standing in it, sir,” said 
the sergeant. “All you have to do is remove the dirt.” Ret. Lt. Col. Joseph Como,
Greenwood, South Carolina

We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out. Lew Schneider

There's no “I” in denial. Peter Serafinowicz

I phoned a local restaurant to 
ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That 
depends on which direction you’re coming from.” Patricia Thompson, Shawnee, Kansas

Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so 
I don’t have to spend all eternity 
beside my ex!” Anthony Cialella, New Castle, Pennsylvania

I admit that I live in the past, 
but only because housing is so much cheaper. Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

For serving as flower girl for her aunt, three-year-old Sydney received 
a doll and bridal-themed gifts. Sydney was so thrilled, she ran to her aunt and announced, “I want this for all your weddings!” Helen Thoen, Manly, Iowa

Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.” “Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer “Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge “Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King  “Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali “Mist Connection”    —Cary Berkowitz “The 99 Per-scent”    —Julia Flagg

I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. 
My mom e-mailed all my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of “morning sickness.” Thanks, Mom. Source: fmylife.com

Wandering inside a pet store, 
I stopped in front of a birdcage to 
admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?” Shirley Brown, Richardson, Texas

My son and I were checking out 
a house he was interested in buying. When the owner came to the door, she looked at me and said, “Larry? 
I know you. We went to school 
together. I’m Elaine. Don’t you 
recognize me?” I drew a complete blank. She took out our old yearbook and showed me her graduation picture—still nothing. “Let’s look at your 
picture,” she said. She flipped the pages until she came to me. Under my photo I 
had written, “Elaine, I will never 
forget you.” Lawrence I. Brant, Delray Beach, Florida

How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”? Jay Leno

Nostalgia: How long’s that been around? Bill Bailey

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people? Betsy Salkind