After I applied for jobs at both a library and a shoe store, my husband said he hoped that I'd get the one at the store. "It would be nice to have employee discounts on shoes," he explained. Then, without thinking, he added, "Of course, if you get the job at the library, we'll get free books."

From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: "Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan."

My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"

"That's a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."

Last Thanksgiving, my niece came home with her school project: a beautiful autumnal leaf with the words "I am thankful for my mommy" printed on it.

Her eyes tearing, my sister said, "This means so much to me."

Her daughter nodded. "I wanted to put ‘Hannah Montana,' but my teacher wouldn't let me."

Our local newspaper lists recipients of school awards. Beneath one photo, the caption read "This year's Perfect Attendance Awards go to Ann Stein and Bradley Jenkins. Not present for photo: Bradley Jenkins."

The week we got our puppy, I caught a stomach bug and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon, my wife called to check up on me.

"I'm okay," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."

My wife's response: "Who?"

The antiaging ad that I'd like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, "Ah! I've used too much!"

I had an inauspicious start as a dog groomer when one of my first clients bit me. Noticing my pain, my boss voiced her concern.

"Whatever you do," she said, "don’t bleed on the white dogs."

I was mugged twice last year. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? 1 in 1.

Max the little camel walks into his parents' room at 3 a.m. and asks for a glass of water. "Another one?" says his father. "That's the second glass this month."

A letter I received from my son stationed in Baghdad:

Mom,
Yesterday I was part of a security detail for Kid Rock, Kellie Pickler, and comedian Lewis Black. This morning, I had breakfast with the Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders. War is hell.
Johnny

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.

Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Frank Ferri … is standing over a patient in the operating room, scalpel in hand, wishing he hadn't lied on his résumé about being a surgeon. Here goes nothing …

Frank Ferri … is in a marriage-counseling session with his wife, wondering what the score of the football game is. Go, Eagles!

Frank Ferri … thinks that if his boss doesn't like him sleeping on the floor of the office, then his boss shouldn't have gotten such comfy carpets.

Frank Ferri … needs help robbing the bank over on the corner of Main and Willow. Any takers? Be there around noonish.

Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she lets him have it. "What are you complaining about?" he fires back.

"You still haven't used the present I gave you last year."

We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings: "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."

Other people's tattoos are like other people's children: Only you can see how bad they are.

Louie was shipwrecked and lived alone on a desert island for years until he was finally rescued. Before leaving the island, he gave the rescue party a tour. "I built myself a house. That's it there. Here's the barn, and over here is the church I worshipped in."

"What's that building over there?" one of the rescuers asked.

Louie sneered. "That's the church I used to belong to."

In honor of British humorist P. G. Wodehouse's 128th birthday, a few choice quips from his books:

"He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say 'when.' "

"Golf, like measles, should be caught young."

"She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel."

"You look white and shaken, like a dry martini."

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. —Comedian Reid Faylor (@reidfaylor )

Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm's client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked him, our client reacted vociferously.

"He's lying!" he yelled. "There were only three of us."

Some people might object to filling out the part of our company's job application form that asks "Race." Not one guy.

He responded, "Only on the interstate."

When our students began raising donations for Child Abuse Prevention Week, the school administration did its part by setting up a collection box outside the principal's office and displaying a banner by the front door of the lobby. It read "Please give $1 to help stop child abuse in the front office."

My neighbor's boat has a peculiar name: Innuendo. After failing to divine some deep, hidden meaning, I asked him how he came up with the name. He answered, "My wife works for a proctologist."

Winner of the Self-Defeating Sign on a Store Periodicals Rack Award: "Do Not Read Magazines!

Our daughter took the afternoon off from her job at the funeral home to visit her daughter in preschool. When one of the kids asked what she did for a living, my granddaughter answered for her: "She sells underground furniture."

Worshippers are greeted by these words at the Travelers Rest Church: "Do Not Sit on Steps."

You're a dumb criminal if …
… You believe flattery will get you anywhere. Adan Juarez Ramirez had it all figured out—he could be a cop without having to take the boring test. But he was arrested in Grapevine, Texas, after pulling over a driver in his pickup truck, outfitted with flashing lights. He even had an ID badge, which he'd made by blacking out a restaurant gift card and etching in the word "POLICE." However, he'd kept the restaurant's logo, a jalapeño pepper surrounded by the words "Chipotle Mexican Grill." [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="300"] Some criminals can get away with anything--not these.[/caption]

… You leave IOUs. Graham Price of South Wales ripped off the bank where he worked, but he wasn't completely duplicitous. He left a note in the safe: "Borrowed, seven million pounds"—signed "Graham Price."

… You vastly overrate your powers of persuasion. Marlon Moore of Miami filed a fraudulent tax return, and the IRS promptly sent him a $10,000 refund. So figuring, Why not try my luck again?, he sent in three more tax returns. But even the IRS raised an eyebrow at cutting him a check for the total amount of the refunds: more than $14 trillion. Moore pleaded guilty to cashing the $10,000 check.

… You think presidents need a promotion. James Rhyne of Memphis was charged with forgery after he handed a waitress a $100 bill. The waitress knew something was funny with the money: Instead of the portly visage of Ben Franklin, it was the star of the $5 bill, Abe Lincoln, who was staring back at her.

… You leave a paper trail. Hickory, North Carolina, cops were able to solve in record time the mystery of the two cash registers purloined from the Captain's Galley restaurant. Their big break came when they discovered a trail of white register tape. They followed it 50 yards to an apartment, where, they say, Donny Guy was cracking the registers open.

… You love too much. Maybe Stephfon Bennett should try online dating. After he and two accomplices allegedly mugged a couple in Columbus, Ohio, police say he found the woman's ID in her purse, then showed up at her door with a simple proposal: How about a date? Since a girl likes to play hard to get, she called the cops, who arrested Bennett outside her home.

… You skimp on travel expenses. Twelve Middle Eastern immigrants forgot the first rule of sneaking into a country: Don't call attention to yourself. En route to England from Germany, they snuck a ride in the back of a man's truck. They stayed mum throughout their trip, even as they crossed the Channel into England. But once they hit Dover, they celebrated their arrival with songs and whoops. Not for long, though. The startled driver headed to a police station, where the 12 were apprehended.

… You're not picky about your office location. Christopher Oxley of Everett, Washington, was arrested for conducting a drug deal over the phone—in the bathroom of the Everett Police Department.

… You're convinced the laws of physics don't apply to you. Clive Halford thinks big! The British career criminal stole a truck and loaded it with 18 pallets of stolen nickel and copper worth around £150,000 (about $250,000). Yes, the haul was huge—too huge. Cops arrested Halford after the truck's suspension collapsed under the weight. Earlier, Halford had stolen a car, overloaded it, and broken its suspension too.

… You text and rob. Nicholas Greenly dropped his cell phone near where an 84-year-old woman had her purse snatched in Mount Lebanon, Pennsylvania. Cops suspected that he might be involved in the crime when they read the phone's last outgoing text message: "I am ready to grab some old lady's purse."

… You play both roles in a game of cops and robbers. Being a key suspect in a robbery wasn't going to stop Romeo Montillano from realizing his dream of becoming a Chula Vista, California, police officer. Unfortunately for Montillano, his would-be colleagues put the kibosh on his plans, arresting him when he showed up to take the entrance exam. As he was led away, Montillano had one question: Could he take the test later? His request was denied.

… You make every day Take Your Child to Work Day. Callie Rough of Middletown, Ohio, was picked up for shoplifting from a Dollar General store with her two young children in tow. Among the booty was a book, 101 Ways to Be a Great Mom.

… You take the holidays too seriously. Robert E. Dendy of upstate New York presented the local police station with a Christmas wreath. Since the officers were well acquainted with Dendy, they did some snooping and arrested him for stealing the wreath from a store down the block.

… You let your supply of antismoking patches run out. An Indiana state trooper stopped a car for a traffic violation. When a passenger, Honesty Knight, asked if she could smoke, the officer said yes. She proceeded, police say, to light up a joint.

… You air your neighbor's dirty laundry. As she walked around her neighbor's yard sale in Severn, Maryland, the woman couldn't help admiring the items. The Oriental rug, the luggage, the shoes—they were exactly her style. And why not? They were hers, as was everything else on display. David Perticone says somebody sold him the stuff. But cops think Perticone did the deed himself.

… You can't let go of your friends. Two New Zealand prisoners had the brilliant idea of fleeing the courthouse while tethered together by handcuffs. They might have escaped had a light pole not gotten between them. Like a pair of click-clacks, they slammed into each other and were arrested trying to get back to their feet.

… You neglect to look up local hotels on your GPS. Mitchell Deslatte walked into a Baton Rouge, Louisiana, hotel and asked the clerk for a room. Only, the clerk wasn't a clerk—he was a state trooper. And the hotel was actually a state trooper station. That's when Deslatte was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated.

… You don't know when to write off a loss. John Opperman-Green robbed a Kissimmee, Florida, 7-Eleven, then called the cops to complain when he tried to hitch a ride with strangers, who, in turn, robbed him.

… You harbor grudges. Joseph Goetz's alleged attempt to rob a York, Pennsylvania, bank met with some snags. Cops say the first teller he tried to rob fainted and the next two insisted they had no cash in their drawers. Fed up, Goetz stormed out, threatening to write an angry letter to the bank.

… You leave a far too indelible impression. Victims of a home robbery in Riverview, Florida, easily picked out Sean Roberts from police photos. Turns out, there aren't too many other people with a map of Florida tattooed on their face. Still, Roberts is pleading not guilty.

… You depend on the kindness of strangers. Christopher Wilson of Spokane left his name and phone number with clerks at a home-improvement store should anyone find something of his that he'd dropped, according to police. They did find something, and Wilson was arrested for possession of methamphetamines.

… Even your wardrobe turns against you. When pleading guilty to a DUI charge, let your lawyer do the talking. New Zealander Keisha Lee Kubala ignored that sensible advice and instead showed up in court wearing a T-shirt that said it all: "Miss Wasted."

I was leading a tour through Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico when a woman asked, "How many miles of undiscovered passageways are there in this cave?"

A customer called our rental store to ask about rectangular tables. I told him we had six-foot and eight-foot tables. His response: "What's the difference?"

With a party going full bore in the apartment above his, my friend could forget about getting any sleep. The next day, he spotted the offending party giver.

"Didn't you hear me pounding on the ceiling?" he asked.

The woman smiled pleasantly. "That's okay. We were making a lot of noise ourselves."

I was leafing through one of my hunting catalogs when I found something that made me laugh. "Look," I said to my wife. "What I've always wanted: a camouflage toilet seat."

"Get it," she said. "Then you'll have an excuse for when you miss."

The first time my son was on a bike with training wheels, I shouted, "Step back on the pedals and the bike will brake!"

He nodded but still rode straight into a bush.

"Why didn't you push back on the pedals?" I asked, helping him up.

"You said if I did, the bike would break."

Having avoided the scale for a few years, my husband finally got up the nerve to climb aboard. Unable to read the numbers, he got off to grab his eyeglasses and stepped back on. "What do you know?" he called out. "These glasses weigh 50 pounds."

I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail."

I'm not good at sports, but I like parallel parking. Unlike sports, the worse you are at parallel parking, the more people you have rooting for you.

Conversation #1
Girl #1: This whole Ben situation is really starting to tick me off.

Girl #2: I know! I just don't know what his deal is.

Girl #1: He called me like 12 times yesterday.

Girl #2: He called you? [Pause] Oh, you mean Ben your boyfriend.

Girl #1: As opposed to?

Girl #2: Ben from Lost.

Conversation #2
Guy #1: You look really familiar-what do you do?

Guy #2: I'm an actor, poet, musician …

Guy #1: No-did you ever work at Bloomingdale's?

Guy #2: … Yes.

The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. "Well," said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, "she's there."

"Are you all right?" my seatmate on the plane asked, after noticing tears roll down my cheeks.

"I'm flying my husband's ashes to Michigan for burial," I explained, "and it just struck me that this will be our last trip together."

"I know how you feel," she said.

"I had my horse for 20 years and just put him to sleep last week."

My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he'd drunk more than usual the day before. "What's more than usual?" I asked.

"A case."

"You can drink a case in a day?!"

"Well," he grumbled defensively, "it doesn't take all day."

Before leaving my assistant job for greener pastures, I was asked to reply to applicants hoping to replace me. "Very smart and intelligent," my boss had written on one of the applications. "Too good for this job."

Stanley R. Zegel was rear-ended while stopped for a red light. Police were told by the driver of the offending car that he had been distracted looking at a paper for the address of the nearby court-ordered driving-improvement course he was on his way to attend.

A little boy went to the library to check out a book titled Comprehensive Guide for Mothers.

"Is this for your mother?" the librarian asked.

"No," said the boy.

"So why are you checking it out?"

"Because I started collecting moths last week."

Doing rounds, a new nurse couldn't help overhearing the surgeon yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

"Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague.

"Oh, he likes to call the shots around here."

I have no respect for gangs today. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first.

A drunk walks into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash.

"I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"

"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."

"Oh, I’m sorry. Here." The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.

The drunk stares at it. "Got one that’s been refrigerated?"

Despite his low opinion of lieutenants, the sergeant kept a respectful tone as he taught us how to bail out of a plane in an emergency.

"Sirs, to open the hatch," he began, "turn this lever to the right, then pull that handle."

"What if we don’t follow that sequence?" a second lieutenant asked.

"Then, sir," said the sergeant patiently, "you hit the hatch handle with a crash axe."

"That’ll open the hatch?"

"No, sir. But it will keep your mind occupied until you crash."

It never dawned on my brother and me just how small our hometown really is. But we found out when we drove past a marquee near the square.

It read "Support Our Troop."

How do you get human resources to remember you? Try pulling some of these actual interview stunts.

Balding applicant abruptly excused himself and returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

Applicant asked to see the reviewer’s résumé to see if the personnel executive was qualified to interview him.

Applicant phoned his therapist during the interview for advice on answering specific questions.

During the interview, an alarm clock went off in the applicant’s briefcase. He apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

Applicant challenged the interviewer to arm-wrestle.

A survey sent out to our contractors posed the question "What motivates you to come to work every day?" One guy answered, "Probation officer."

To commemorate his first visit to our library, I gave a six-year-old boy a bookmark. More familiar with electronic gadgets than old-school tools, he had no clue how it worked. So I demonstrated by placing it between two pages, then closing the book. "When you start reading again, voilà!" I said, opening the book to my bookmarked page.

"Wow!" he said. "That’s cool!"

With Bible in hand, I read to my high school religion class, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife."

"Okay," I said, "from this Scripture, what do we learn is important in marriage?"

A student blurted out, "Cleavage."

Suspicious person: Officer made contact with a man walking backward down a street. When asked, the man told the officer he did not want anyone sneaking up on him.

Last Valentine's Day, I arrived at the doctor's office where I work as a receptionist to find a mystery man pacing up and down holding a package. As I got out of the car, he declared warmly, "I have something for you." I excitedly ripped open the bundle. It was a urine sample.

I walked into the lobby of my apartment building recently and was greeted by this notice: "To whoever is watering these plants, please stop. They are the property of the building, and our maintenance staff will take care of them. They may have already been watered, in which case you will be overwatering them. Besides, these plants are fake."

My husband is a car nut. That's why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our fifth wedding anniversary. It read "The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!"

After giving birth, I couldn't lose the 40 pounds I'd gained. So I dragged my husband to the mall in search of more flattering clothes. We were encouraged by a sign over a rack of suits: "Instantly hides ten pounds!"

"Look," he said. "You just need to buy four of these."

Waiting my turn to enter a rotary intersection, I noticed a guy drive around twice, then leave by the same road he'd entered. His vanity license plate read "GENIUS."

An amateur pilot wannabe, I knew I'd finally made progress with my flight training the day my instructor turned to me and said, "You know, you're not as much fun since you stopped screaming."

My granddaughter asked why I called my husband Hon.

"It's a term of endearment," I explained.

My husband mumbled, "After more than 40 years, it's a term of endurement."

English is tough to learn, as these attempts from classes in English as a second language prove:

"Do you like this food? I made it from scratching."

"I never liked mushrooms, but now they are beginning to grow in me."

"Do you like your coffee cremated?"

"I usually worm up my food before I eat it."

The night we took our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time, my husband ordered a bottle of wine. The server brought it over, began the ritual uncorking, and poured a small amount for me to taste.

My six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that."

During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number. Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.

How do you get hiring managers to hire you? Don’t pull these actual, creepily creative stunts:

Applicant put up posters of himself in the company parking lot.

Applicant announced his candidacy with a singing telegram.

Applicant rented a billboard, which the hiring manager could see from his office, listing his qualifications.

Applicant delivered prepaid Chinese food, including a fortune cookie with his name and phone number.

A little boy was brought into our emergency room after ingesting part of a plug-in air freshener. After consulting Poison Control and monitoring him, the doctor wrote on his discharge, "Patient doing well. Ready to go home. Smells good."

Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

During a job interview at my granddaughter’s pharmacy, an applicant was asked, "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

"No," he answered. "My hearing is scheduled for next week."

In lectures on human genetics, I explained to my college students that males determine the sex of the offspring by contributing either an X or a Y chromosome. So at the end of the year, I put it on the final exam: "How is the sex of the child determined?"

One student wrote, "By examining it at birth."

Our coworker Patrick shared his worst workday ever. He was at an appliance store and the delivery truck had broken down, which meant he was flooded with angry phone calls from customers. One irate caller canceled the delivery and told Patrick what he could do with it.

"I'm sorry," said Patrick. "That's impossible. I already have a stove, a vacuum cleaner, and a microwave up there."

From this week's church bulletin: "Coming up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome."

"Boys just like one thing," my ten-year-old told a friend. Oh, no, the end of her innocence, I thought. Then she announced her finding: "PlayStations."