We had jokes about unemployed dogs, but none of them worked! These dog jokes and one-liners are guaranteed to make you bark with laughter.
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Dog jokes and one-liners
- The secret to life is to handle every situation like a dog: If you can’t play with it, eat it or bury it, just pee on it and walk away.
- I thought I was getting a guard dog, but I’ve come to realize I’ve just gotten a louder doorbell.
- My dog’s not fat; he’s just a little husky.
- My friend says her dog will retrieve a ball over a mile away, but that sounds far-fetched to me.
- I tried to trick my dog into eating a healthy snack, but he didn’t bite.
- My dog accidentally ate sandpaper; it was rough.
- When it’s raining cats and dogs, you must take extra care not to step in the poodles.
- Dogs can’t operate MRI machines, but they’re great at running Lab reports.
- Dogs are terrible with boundaries—instead of standing up for themselves, they just roll over.
- A three-legged dog limps into a saloon and yells, “Listen up! I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
- If you want your dog to stop digging up your garden, all you have to do is take away his shovel.
- I’m deeply attached to about five people … and 400 dogs on the internet I’ve never met.
- Heaven forbid you forget to feed your dog, he’ll hound you about it all day.
- Raining cats and dogs is one thing, but you know the weather is really bad when you see it reindeer.
- I love my dog, but he does have one glaring fault: He can’t hold his licker.
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Funny dog jokes
- How did the dog get from Boston to New York?
He took a Greyhound. - Why do poor dogs chase their tails?
They’re just trying to make ends meet. - How do dogcatchers get paid?
By the pound. - Why do dogs make the best arborists?
Because they are experts in bark. - Why did the dog skip the prom?
Because he had two left feet. - What did the dog install in his car to impress all his friends?
A subwoofer! - What kind of dog can jump as high as a tall building?
Any kind. A building can’t jump! - What’s the most popular dog breed among magicians?
The labracadabrador. - What do you call a dog that’s playing outdoors in winter?
A chili dog. - What did the therapy dog say to her client?
“That’s ruff.” - What do dogs get after they graduate from obedience school?
Their masters. - Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?
He always wanted to get a long little doggy. - What do you get a dog for its birthday?
Pupcakes! - Why are there no losers in a dachshund race?
They’re all weiners. - Why didn’t the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer.
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Short dog jokes for adults
- Why are conjunctions dogs’ favorite parts of speech?
Dogs love buts. - What did the Dalmatian say when he finished dinner?
That hit the spot. - What kind of car does a dog drive?
A Fur-rari. - What’s the difference between dogs and marine biologists?
Dogs wag their tails, and marine biologists tag their whales. - What’s a dog’s favorite trick to do on Halloween?
Play dead. - What’s the best way to stop your dog from barking in the front yard?
Put him in the backyard. - What did the police officer do when he saw a dog giving birth on the side of the road?
Gave her a ticket for littering. - What’s the friendliest thing in the world?
A wet dog. - Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. - What do you call a zoo with no animals except for one dog?
A shih tzu. - What do you call a dog crossed with a calculator?
A best friend you can always count on! - Why were the fleas depressed?
Their whole town was going to the dogs.
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Dog jokes for kids
- What did the mommy dog say to the baby dog at bedtime?
“Hush, puppy!” - What do you give a dog with a fever?
Ketchup! Everyone knows that’s the best thing to put on a hot dog. - What’s a dog’s favorite type of pizza?
Pupperoni and snausage! - Who is the most famous doggy magician in history?
Houndini. - What is Dracula’s favorite breed of dog?
A bloodhound! - What did the snowman name his pet dog?
Frost, because he bites. - What did the dog do when he graduated from obedience school?
He had a paw-ty! - Why did the pooch sit in the shade?
He was a hot dog! - What happened when the girl took her dog to a flea circus?
He stole the show! - What is a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Pooched eggs and pupcakes. - What kind of dog should you get if you’re always late?
A watchdog! - What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel with a poodle and a rooster?
A cockerpoodlepoo! - What’s a dog’s favorite position to play in football?
Golden receiver. - What trees are dogs most afraid of?
Redwoods. They have the biggest bark. - What’s a dog’s favorite kind of store?
Re-tail.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. For this piece on dog jokes one-liners, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist and humorous writer to ensure big laughs. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
