31 Funny Christmas Jokes for the Merriest Holiday
Embrace the lighter side of the holiday season with these funny Christmas jokes, true stories, and quips from everyone from cute kids to comedians.
Q. What’s St. Nicholas’s favorite measurement in the metric system?
A. The Santameter!
Santa’s civic duty
Q. Where do Santa and his elves go to vote?
A. The North Poll!
Q. In what year does New Year’s come before Christmas?
A. Every year!
Time is all relative, anyway, right? These cartoons about New Year’s resolutions are hilariously spot-on.
Ho Ho Whoa!
Q. What’s red and white and falls down chimneys?
A. Santa Klutz!
This is why Santa Claus wears red in the first place.
Q. What’s Santa Claus’s favorite type of potato chip?
A. Crisp Pringles!
You’ll love these great holiday food gifts for everyone on your list.
Q. What’s Santa Claus’s favorite track & field event?
A. North Pole–vaulting!
Here are a few adorable pets filled with the Christmas spirit.
A nosey joke
Q. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
A. He was picking his nose!
Check out these cool facts about the history of the snowman.
What about ho-ho-home insurance?
Q. What do you call Kris Kringle when he goes on his wife’s health insurance?
A. A dependent Claus.
—Sam Benson Smith. Here are some adorable—and funny!—vintage photos of kids meeting Santa.
How much dough-ho-ho?
Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing—it was on the house!
These stories about meeting Santa will fill you with the Christmas spirit.
Q. What do you call a Yeti with a six-pack?
A. The Abdominal Snowman!
Beware the early snow
Pro tip: Don’t try to catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter! Make sure you know these April Fools’ jokes to keep up with the holiday humor.
A twist on a classic
Q. What is a vegan’s favorite Christmas carol?
A. Soy to the World!
Check out our 20 favorite Christmas songs, ranked.
Shake it up
Q. How does the snow globe feel this year?
A. A little shaken.
SAME, SNOW GLOBE. 2020’s been rough.
A seven-year-old’s Christmas list…with Dad’s edits
• “A new radio.” Done. I’ll throw in my old Betamax collection as a stocking stuffer.
• “$1,000.” You want cash? Clear the spiders out of the attic. I’ll give you three bucks for it.
• “A light-up Razor scooter that is the color blue.” “Dad, for Christmas, can I get hit by a car?”
• “A pet puppy border collie with a peace sign collar and a leash.” Do you see any borders in this house that need patrolling, apart from the bathroom door when Daddy is having his alone time? No.
—Drew Magary, from deadspin.com
For more laughs, cracking some funny Christmas jokes will put the whole family in the holiday spirit.
Gift giving isn’t everyone’s strong suit
“One year, my father gave Mom a DVD. In and of itself it wasn’t a bad gift, except a) it was a rental, and b) we didn’t own a DVD player.” —Amy Marshall Hodges, Canton, Michigan. These funny Christmas jokes are a good place to start, then move on to more funny holiday jokes.
Missed the mark
“Dear Santa, Sorry for what I did in the past, and thank you for the Christmas letter—I love it. But what I want for Christmas is 53 billion dollars.” —Sources: wgna.com and someecards.com. Check out these other hilarious real letters to Santa from kids who know exactly what they want.
If Santa worked for a law firm:
We read the fine print on Santa’s website:
What Do We Do with the Information We Collect? Sharing is one of the joys of Christmas. For this reason, we share your personal information with unaffiliated third parties: the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Hanukkah Harry. —Laurence Hughes, from McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. This is how people learned the truth about Santa Claus.
My daughter and I took the long route through the neighborhood to admire the Christmas decorations. One yard contained a trove of lights, ornaments, elves, carolers, trimmings … in short, it was a mess. My daughter summed it up perfectly when she announced, “It looks like Christmas threw up.” —Cecille Hansen, Seattle, Washington. Here are the holiday decorating mistakes you didn’t know you were making.
The Little Drummer Boy’s Greatest Hits:
Includes the songs “Pum Pum Pum Pum,” “Rum Pum Pum,” “Ba Rum Pum Pum,” “Rum Pum Pum Ba Rum Pum Pum,” and special bonus track “Pum Pum Pum, Ba Rum Pum Pum.” —Source: someecards.com. If you’re enjoying these funny Christmas jokes, you’ll want to know more about the history behind your favorite Christmas traditions.
We fixed the titles of your favorite Christmas movie classics:
• How the Grinch Stole Christmas: “Crimes Against Who-manity”
• A Christmas Carol: “Bob, Marley”
• Elf: “A Christmas Ferrell”
—Source: fwfr.com. These are the best Christmas movies of all time, ranked.
That “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town” cover is a classic
Q. Who is a Christmas tree’s favorite singer?
A. Spruce Springsteen!
Get in the Christmas spirit with these advent calendars everyone on your list will love.
Do not eat
Q. What ailment do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
In addition to these funny Christmas jokes, you can also find out what your Christmas tree wants you to know.
Fallen out of favor
“All that time spent selecting and decorating, and a week after [Christmas], you see the tree by the side of the road, like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door opens, and a tree rolls out.” —Jerry Seinfeld. Don’t want to deal with a real tree this year? We’re obsessed with these cool Christmas tree alternatives.
How to write a boastful, overly intimate holiday newsletter:
• Open strong with a passive-aggressive attack on a loved one: “[This year is] barreling to a close as Deborah spends yet another Saturday at the wine shop.”
• Brag about any new job developments—especially if you don’t deserve them: “I got promoted this year to VP … shows how little they really know about my past!!!”
• Be creative! Even good news can be delivered so the reader cringes: “[My wife has] felt almost every negative feeling you can have during a pregnancy—nausea, fatigue, rashes, arthritis, sciatic nerve pain, hip pains, and strong emotional conditions.”
• If you want to cement your status as least favorite distant cousins, just write the most dreaded words in the English language: “We thought it would be cool if we shared what’s going on as a PowerPoint presentation.”
—Sources: gawker.com, worstchristmasletters.blogspot.com, Brandon Specktor.
Gotta love the givers
There are those who live by the credo that it is better to give than receive. These people are, of course, fools. Still, without them, we wouldn’t get as many presents.
A Christmas cringe
This eyebrow-raising ad was spotted in a newspaper around Christmastime: “Congratulations George B. for pleasing 15 women for an entire day! We were all exhausted and very satisfied.”
Then, the next day’s ad said: “Our sincere apology to George B. Our intentions were to thank him for a generous holiday shopping trip, which he arranged. Any inappropriate innuendos were unintentional.” —Source: clamorly.com
This gift was a smash
Scene: Christmas morning, and I’m opening my gifts.
Dad: “Open that one next, sweetie.”
(He points to a box, which I open. Inside is one of those obnoxious singing-and-dancing robot Christmas trees. I’m a bit shocked, as I had pointed out how much I hate these things when we went shopping the week before.)
Me: “Uh, weren’t you listening when I said I thought these were the most annoying things ever?”
Dad: “I know, I know. But … open that one next.” (This time he points to a long, heavy package. I open it up to reveal a sledgehammer.)
Me: “Is this for what I think it’s for?”
Dad: “And you thought I wasn’t paying attention!”
—From notalwaysrelated.com. If funny Christmas jokes are your thing, you’ll appreciate this list of the funniest real Christmas gifts people actually received.
“It’s SO GREAT to see you!”
Q. What do you call it when you act ecstatic to see distant relatives and acquaintances that you only see around the holidays?
A. “Seasonal Affection Disorder.”
—Bob Morris, from the New York Observer. Gotten a kick out of these funny Christmas jokes? Next, check out these funny Christmas cartoons.