100 Funny Insults That’ll Roast Your Friends and Foes

Funny insults that bring laughter, not tears

It is a truth universally acknowledged (by us) that there is an art to crafting the perfect insult. After all, what it means to insult someone changes from person to person. One friend’s joke is another friend’s next grudge! Whether you’re clapping back with a funny comeback after someone pushes your buttons or gently teasing a beloved sibling, it’s essential to know where the line is between funny insults and plain mean-spiritedness, like compliments that are insults. Run right up to the line—heck, even walk it like a tightrope—but know that crossing it doesn’t mean you have a dark sense of humor. It means you’re going to put a strain on your relationships. That said, there’s plenty of fun to be had joking around with your friends, family and even your kids!

Just like funny sayings and dark jokes, well-timed funny insults are sometimes exactly what you need in social situations. Funny comebacks can help you change the subject, defend a friend or warn someone off messing with you (in a fun way, of course!). And if you have siblings, you already know that the bickering competition takes a lifetime to win.

If your clapbacks are losing their snap or your witty one-liners just aren’t coming together like they used to, fear not! We’ve rounded up dozens of creative insults to help you keep your loved ones on their toes. But don’t worry—if they’re crying when you’re done, it’ll only be from laughter.

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Funny insults for adults

1. Can I have the name of your hair salon? I need to know where not to go.

2. I forgot the world revolves around you. My bad!

3. You seem to be suffering from delusions of adequacy.

4. My days of not taking you seriously have come to a middle.

5. You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.

6. You do a great job combing your hair. It’s impressive how you’re able to hide the horns.

7. You have a face for radio.

8. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

9. If you were a spice, you’d be flour.

10. You may have a sparsely attended funeral.

11. I smell something burning. Are you trying to think again?

12. You’re like a lighthouse in a desert: bright but not very useful.

13. Don’t worry—the first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.

14. May your life be as pleasant as you are.

15. You’re as useless as the “ueue” in “queue.”

16. Your biscuit’s not done in the middle.

17. You’re just like a Russian doll—full of yourself.

18. Your face is just fine. It’s your personality that’s the issue.

19. Whatever is eating you must be suffering terribly.

20. You’ve got all the tact of a bowling ball.

Funny insults are only the tip of the iceberg. Try these funny quotes when someone insults you, and you’ll always have the last word.

Funny insults for kids

21. I do not have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.

22. You have the attention span of an ice cream in July.

23. I will not have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed.

24. This looks like something I would draw with my left hand.

25. If you see the silly-kid catcher, you’d better hide!

26. Why do you look like an envelope with no address on it?

27. It appears that your brain cells are not holding hands right now.

28. You were a slippery baby.

29. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.

30. You have your entire life to be a knucklehead. You can take today off.

31. Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, thundercloud?

32. You are proof that the universe has a sense of humor.

33. Where’s your off button?

34. Sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you’re silly than open it and confirm their suspicions.

35. You must have gotten your brain from your other parent.

36. You changed your mind? Does this one work any better?

37. I’m surprised and pleased—but a little more surprised than pleased.

38. Sorry, it’s hereditary.

39. Don’t be a screen door on a submarine.

40. I know you are, but what am I?

Roasting your kids makes all those late nights worth it, doesn’t it? If you want to up your game, these Shakespearean insults are educational as well as hilarious.

Funny insults for best friends

41. It’s great to see that you don’t let your education get in the way of your ignorance.

42. Are you doing OK today? You look like the guy in the zombie movie who’s been bitten but is trying to keep it quiet.

43. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

44. It’s impossible to underestimate you.

45. Congratulations on being the top of the bell curve.

46. You’re as sharp as a rubber ball.

47. I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

48. You’re the reason tubes of toothpaste have instructions on them.

49. I bet your pH level is 14. Basic.

50. How do you not fall down more?

51. You’re as deep as a puddle in a parking lot.

52. I just love that you don’t care what people think.

53. You remind me of a slightly tilted picture frame.

54. Stupidity is not a crime. You’re free to go.

55. You really should come with a warning label.

56. I would describe your personality as a vibrant shade of beige.

57. You’re such a conversation starter. It gets underway as soon as you leave, that is.

58. You don’t need to fear success. You have nothing to worry about.

59. A sharp tongue is not necessarily an indicator of a keen mind.

60. Is there an intermission to this drama?

What are best friends for? Trading funny insults, funny comebacks and funny obituaries, of course!

Funny insults for family

61. Right now, you are as useful as a soup sandwich.

62. If you ever had a thought, it would die of loneliness.

63. I’m not saying you’re ugly, but maybe you should start walking backward.

64. I bet you take more than 15 items through the express lane.

65. This is why the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

66. You are an unessential vitamin.

67. You’ve never really embraced intelligence for yourself.

68. Who’s using the family brain cell at the moment?

69. You have the charisma of a wet sock.

70. I have 90 billion nerves, and you’re on every single one of them.

71. You’d struggle to pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

72. It’s just that you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

73. You are not the most gullible person on earth, but you’d better hope that person doesn’t die.

74. Guess you’re not as dumb as you look. How could you be?!

75. My life may be a joke, but it’s not as funny as your outfit.

76. Your ambition outweighs your skills.

77. I don’t understand, but I also don’t care, so it works out nicely.

78. You should use glue instead of chapstick.

79. I may not be perfect, but at least I am not you.

80. Your life is more about regret management than goal achievement, isn’t it?

What looks like a joke, but isn’t? These anti-jokes, which will still make you laugh.

Funny insults for your significant other

81. Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a fool in tinfoil.

82. I’ve seen salad that dresses better than you.

83. You have the same sense of direction as Christopher Columbus.

84. True, sometimes you’re an idiot. But don’t be sorry for who you are!

85. I like you. People say I have no taste, but I like you.

86. You continue to meet my expectations.

87. Where have you been all my life? I don’t know, but I wish you were still there.

88. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.

89. If genius skips a generation, our kids will be brilliant.

90. We were happily married for a month. Too bad it’s our 10-year anniversary.

91. I admire the way you try so hard.

92. The key to happiness is to live without regrets and embrace your mistakes. Hug?

93. You’re entitled to your incorrect opinion.

94. You look easy to draw.

95. Have you tried doing it the way I told you to the first time?

96. The last date we had was a calendar.

97. You have the communication skills of an alarm clock.

98. Well, at least you’re good-looking.

99. The best part of watching a show with you is when you fall asleep because then I can watch my show.

100. Don’t call me crazy—you’re the one who married me!

Funny insults are great, but they’re not all you need. Sometimes you need to make someone’s day, and these funny compliments will do the job nicely.