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26 Clever Wedding Jokes and Quotes Perfect for Any Speech

It's been a very emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers.

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Here’s to the happy couple

A good comedy ends in marriage—and a good marriage should be full of comedy. Whether you are the bride or groom, a best man or maid of honor, or simply the sort of friend or relative who can’t resist the chance to speak your heart and mind (that is, drunk), the greatest gift you can bring to any wedding ceremony is a well-rehearsed wedding speech that is light, fun, and hopeful. Leave the tired gags about bossy wives or disloyal husbands at the door, and peg your thoughts instead to that one form of humor all wedding guests can revel in: Stupid, stupid puns.

Below, find 26 short wedding puns guaranteed to make even grandma laugh—plus a smattering of funny marriage quotes that don’t once use the phrase “mother-in-law” to get a laugh. Congratulations, and cheers! Plus, don’t miss our favorite funny jokes about married life.

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Speech-worthy wedding puns for any crowd:

Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web.

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Cannon balls

Two cannon balls got married this morning. I hear they’re already expecting BBs.

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Parting gift

Did you hear about the bald man who married his comb? He promised, “I’ll never part with it!” There’s a story about an odd gift in this list made by 11 wedding planners, revealing their craziest client requests.

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What a reception

Did you hear about the two cell phones who got married? The reception was terrific.

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Floral arrangements

Two florists recently got married. It was an arranged marriage. Make sure you’re always following these important pieces of wedding etiquette.

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Nuclear love

I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

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Tying the knot

Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I hear two scoutmasters decided to tie the knot. Check out some of the most fascinating wedding traditions from around the world.

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Mr. Write

Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.

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Perfectly suited

Do you know why the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts? They were perfectly suited to each other.

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Weepy cake

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a very emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers. You’re sure to get a laugh out of these hilarious photos of wedding mishaps and antics.

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Nothing to see here

It’s been ten years since the invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids are nothing to look at either.

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Not my type

Why did Comic Sans break up with Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type. Test your knowledge of wedding traditions with our quiz.

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Cable split-up

Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just didn’t have that spark.

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It’s elemental

Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other periodically. We like this pun, but a bad pun is almost as annoying as these wedding guests that you’ll, unfortunately, meet at every wedding.

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Speech-worthy wedding quotes for any crowd:

“To keep your marriage brimming with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” —Ogden Nash 

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Ride the waves

“You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.” —Toni Sciarra Poynter

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Falling over and over

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.” —Mignon McLaughlin. Here’s the best marriage advice that all newlyweds should know.

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Singing the same tune

“A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.” —Anne Taylor Fleming

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Dress the part

“A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.” —James H. Boren

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Feel the love

“Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” —George Burns. Check out some of our all-time favorite quotes about falling in love.

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Supplemental love

“Marriage is like vitamins: We supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” —Kathy Mohnke  

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That’s one way to prepare

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” —Rita Rudner

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Mrs. Always Right

“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” —Milton Berle. This secret to marriage is almost as great as these 32 secrets your wedding planner won’t tell you.

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Late-night fights

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller

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Share a snack

“Love is sharing your popcorn.” —Charles Schulz

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Share the joy

“To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with.” – Mark Twain. While you’re thinking about including this quote in your speech, take a look at the 10 luckiest wedding traditions from around the world for inspiration, too