My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will…
Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife?
A: Because she was frigid.
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The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man…
My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. “What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. “Turn over—you’re snoring,” I…
A woman and her husband stop at a dentist’s office. “I need a tooth pulled right away,” she says. “Don’t bother with the Novocain; we’re in a hurry.” “Which tooth…
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always…
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.” Pharmacist:” Why do you need arsenic?” Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill…
Q: What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?
A: She gave him the cold shoulder.
A police officer in a small town stopped a driver speeding down the main street. The driver said he could explain why he was speeding, but the police officer said…
As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and…
One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it. Embarrassed, she then made a second cake. Her husband…
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”
Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in…
Q: If love is “grand,” what is divorce?
A: A hundred grand, or more.
Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage?
A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Son: What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Father: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener.
If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.
Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.
Father: Son, that’s true everywhere.
This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: “Wife wanted.” He was surprised the next morning to find he had…
Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.
If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.
A retired rancher decided to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university. The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s…
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said….
The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.” My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected,…
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor…
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only…
I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, from You’re…
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people…
After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to…
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly….
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”…
A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured…
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband….
Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still…
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for…
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to…
My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: • The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing…
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her…
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
Submitted by reader D. T.
After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”
When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.” My father, seeing where this was…
My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t…
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an…
My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her…
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My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what…
As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.” —Marlene…
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal. He replies, “Two weeks.” —Source:…
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset. @TheNardvark Do people who…
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the…
On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find…
As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept…
Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?” “Not really,” I replied. “Did you marry him for his money?” “Definitely not,” I laughed….
My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click…
Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?
A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.
During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.” Her…
Overheard at my garden-club meeting: “I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.”
I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. “Your wife must like rolls,” he…
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor….
For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. "What’s this?" he asked. "Guess," I said coyly. "I have no…
Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them….
After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the…
It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up…
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. "You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded. "What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!" That…