Marriage Jokes

Live on the fun side of marriage with our wife jokes and funny husband jokes.

Marriage can be tough. But for better or for worse, these marriage jokes and wedding puns will have you doubling over laughing. Check out our collection of love jokes for an extra laugh.

How Did You Get Here?

Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today? Wife: He takes everything literally.  I can’t stand it. Husband: My truck.

Keep the Name

Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes. His reason for doing...

Takes Two to Get Married

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Burnt Dinner

My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

Who Can’t Hear

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife’s hearing. The doctor says, “Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears...

Bald Baby

I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to...

Telepathetic

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.

Both Love Me

When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will...

Dead Divorce

Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife? A: Because she was frigid.

Send a Sign

The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man...

CPAP Couple

My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. “What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. “Turn over—you’re snoring,” I...

Tooth Pulled

A woman and her husband stop at a dentist’s office. “I need a tooth pulled right away,” 
she says. “Don’t bother with the Novocain; we’re in a hurry.” “Which tooth...

Pray for Good Food

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always...

Prescription for Bad

Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.” Pharmacist:” Why do you need arsenic?” Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill...

The Cold Shoulder

Q: What did the cannibal's wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner? A: She gave him the cold shoulder.

Groom Running Late

A police officer in a small town stopped a driver speeding down the main street. The driver said he could explain why he was speeding, but the police officer said...

Tractor Trouble

As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments.  “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and...

Second Cake

One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it.  Embarrassed, she then made a second cake.  Her husband...

Three Rings

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Don’t Kiss!

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?" Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

For Richer or Poorer

My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in...

Gettin’ Pricey

Q: If love is "grand," what is divorce? A: A hundred grand, or more.

Love Is Blind… Until…

Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!

Go Away, Come Back!

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

The Eyes Have It

Son: What's the difference between love and marriage? Father: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener.

Fashionistas in Love

If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.

Mrs. Motormouth

Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” Friend: “Why not?” Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

Do I Look Like a Short-Order Cook?

Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and no.

Fatherly Wisdom

Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. Father: Son, that's true everywhere.

Looking for Love

This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: “Wife wanted.” He was surprised the next morning to find he had...

Number-One Wife

Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.

Here, Let Me Get That

If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.

Student Life or a Wife?

A retired rancher decided 
to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university. The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s...

Modeled On Confusion

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said....

Wearing Husband Goggles

The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.” My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected,...

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor...

A Real Gut-Buster

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only...

Bonnie McFarlane On The Key To A Good Marriage

I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, 
from You’re...

Why You Should Make Love Once A Year

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people...

When Siri Slips

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to...

Groucho Marx on Make Outs

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx

Misreading the Signals

My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly....

Misfortune Cookie

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”...

Bad Things to Tell Your Wife

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live 
pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured...

Might Be The Wine Talking…

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of 
the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband....

Will You Still Love Me?

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still...

Notable Never-isms

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for...

Sock it to Me

On the first night of their 
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to...

Confessions of a Military Wife

My husband is infantry, and 
he said the most wonderful things 
to convince me to marry him: • The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing...

All Dolled Up

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her...

Every Marriage Needs A Spin Doctor

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my 
advantage. I take that as a compliment. Submitted by reader D. T.

Forever Late

After 12 years in prison, a man 
finally breaks out. When he 
gets home, filthy and exhausted, 
his wife says, “Where have 
you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

Father of The Bribe

When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.” My father, seeing where this was...

Kids Marry The Darnedest Things

My young son declared, “When 
I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t...

A Familiar Patient

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an...

A Home Affair

My client buys many rental properties, not always with the 
enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her...

Realistic Romantic Comedies

• When Harry Met Sally and 
Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos • Love Handles, Actually • Runaway Bridal Expenses —From humorlabs.com

Tailor-Made Quips

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what...

What About the Other Half?

As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.” —Marlene...

Why Marriage is Difficult

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. —Richard Pryor

A Culinary Adventure

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" —Henny Youngman

The Three Week Diet

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal. He replies, “Two weeks.” —Source:...

Tweeter’s Digest: Just Chill

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset. @TheNardvark Do people who...

Exhibit A-Cup

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the...

In Your Dreams

On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me 
a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find...

Home Insecurity

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept...

How I Met Your Father

Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?” “Not really,” I replied. “Did you marry him for his money?” “Definitely not,” I laughed....

Facebook Love

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click...

Winning Numbers

Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He's trying to figure out the combination.

One and Only

During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.” Her...

Love and Learning

Overheard at my garden-club meeting: "I never knew what compost was until I met my husband."

In Training

I identify with football players because I know what it's like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.

For the Mrs?

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. “Your wife must like rolls,” he...