Family Jokes

Make the whole family laugh with these funny family jokes.

Laughing with mom, dad, and the rest of the family has never been easier than with our collection parent jokes, brother jokes and sister jokes. To make mom and dad feel extra special, take a look at our mom jokes and dad jokes.

We’ll Need a Therapist

To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house. I could tell he didn’t think it would be cost-effective when...

Adjectives Galore

During a lesson about adjectives, my friend, an elementary school teacher, asked her class to describe their mothers. One boy described his mother’s hair as auburn. Impressed by his sophisticated...

A Fly-Killer’s Pickle

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated...

Don’t step on the clean floor…

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor… A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he...

My Grandson Is A Smart Egg…

At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just...

Bonnie McFarlane On The Key To A Good Marriage

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, from You’re...

My Kids Don’t Know What I Do

I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day,...

Married To The Job

I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by...

When Relatives Attack

There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss. @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)

When Siri Slips

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to...

Brother Xing

I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”...

Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off

My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came out k. The therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried again...

Router-stiltskin

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my 
first child. @1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)

David Letterman on Halloween

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. —David Letterman

A Wee Little Triumph

Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, she threw her arms in the air and...

A Trashy Career

“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to...

Lew Schneider on Sunblock

We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out. Lew Schneider

A Teenage Dream

My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living...

My First Job…

I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter. Melanie Reno

Terrible Two (Hundreds)

Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so stubborn.” He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with...

Piping Up

A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?” “Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor...

What 87-Year-Olds Give Up For Lent

“Has your diet changed?” I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital. “Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy,...

Parenting Fads According to The Onion

The latest parenting fads, according to the Onion: • Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become a partner in a successful...

@BillMurray on Child Naming

The cool part about naming 
your kid is you don’t have to add 
six numbers to make sure the name 
is available. @billmurray

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh…

The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it. “It’s like that old saying,”...

Poor Little Piggy…

My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed. “Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?” “The one...

This Classified ad Speaks Volumes:

“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.” Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida

Glass Half Full (of Dung)

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and...

Believe Me, I Would if I Could.

My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?”...

That's Not How it Works, Dad.

Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind...

Toddler Wisdom

Events had left my son-in-law’s sister feeling sad, and she started tearing up. Luckily, our two-year-old grandson was nearby to dispense words of wisdom. “Don’t cry,” he said. “Sometimes batteries...

Family Loopholes

To get my cousin to write to her even once, my aunt resorted to sending him a check with this note: “Do not cash until you write me a thank-you.”...

Where There's A Will…

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. Ricky Gervais

Can I Do A Trade?

I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, “If you had to do it all over again, would you still have kids?” “Yes,” he said. “Just not these four.”...

You Could've Said "Gender"

I was nine months pregnant and browsing at a garage sale when the homeowner asked me if I knew whether I was having a boy or a girl. I told...

Bottom of The Toy Barrel

Here is the best-ever backhanded compliment from a kid about a present: “Dear Genie, thanks for the toy. I’ll play with it when I’m bored.” Debbie Skolnik, Scarsdale, New York

Kids Marry The Darnedest Things

My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t...

“Dad?”

“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano Sam Grittner

When I Was a Boy of 14…

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I...

Father’s Day is Important Because…

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business. Jimmy Fallon

I Gave My Father $100…

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother. Rita Rudner

I Got All My Looks…

I got all my looks from my father. Mostly just the look of disappointment. @MrBigFists

“I Was Only Breaking the Law a Little!”

My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over. “Do you know why I stopped you?” asked the...

Grandma, How You’ve Changed!

During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes. “Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother. “Yes, it...

The Wisdom of a Defeated Husband

My husband was cramming all his chores into one day, but each job revealed another problem. For example, while touching up paint on a wall, he discovered gouges in the...

The Magic Penny

We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going...

I’d Like To Have A Kid…

I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are. —@DamienFahey

Know Your Audience

“I’d like to discuss something with you,” my husband told our nine-year-old son. He was about to launch into The Talk. “What is it?” asked Michael. “We’re going to talk...

Children For Sale

After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I’d had enough. “I think I’m going to sell them,” I hissed to my sister. “You’re crazy,” she said. “For thinking...

Two babies are sitting in their cribs…

Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?” The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how...

A Shady Place

Shortly after my grandmother passed away, I took my daughter to her grave site, which was located beside a row of pine trees. “How nice,” I said. “Grandma has a...

The Truth About Santa

I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in. James Knowles, on...

The Young and the Restful

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. —Bill Cosby

Frozen Account

My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this...

What’s the Word for…

Sometimes you have a mess on your hands that defies description. Not anymore. Clorox teamed up with comedian Carol Leifer to create The Clorox Ick-tionary, a Wiki-style dictionary for everyday...

Founding Mothers

“My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill he’d gotten as a present. “That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?” Pointing to...

Kids These Days

Needing to look up a phone number at a friend’s house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll. “A...

Overheard At The Fair…

Little girl: I want cotton candy! Mom: You can have some cotton candy after you eat something healthy. Little girl: I want cotton candy now! Mom: I said no, you’re...

Education Starts At Home

During a science lesson, my sister-in-law picked up a magnet and said to her second-grade class, “My name begins with the letter M, and I pick things up. What am...

Family Crest

Scene: Playground

A young girl is reading a book about knights.

Girl: What does our family crest look like, Mommy?

Mom: Poor people being crushed by a boot.

Serving Double Time

Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? After they were caught, they finished each other’s sentences.

The Final Fix

I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and...

The Worst Part

My two daughters were discussing the less than desirable physical attributes they had inherited from their father. The older one: "I hate my freckles from Dad." Her unsympathetic younger sister:...

Healthy Advice

People’s parents actually give them sage advice, like “Do what you love, and the money will follow” or “The early bird gets the worm.” All I remember is “Don’t fill...

Funny Things That Parents Say

"You shouldn’t be eating candy so early. We have doughnuts." "The key is to put the mousetrap outside the house. That way, the mice don’t come in." "Your aunt couldn’t...

Honey, I'm Home

I arrived home from work to find all the windows and doors wide open. Apparently our puppy had had an accident. “Yeah, it really stank,” my daughter told me. “In...

Home Again

Our 25-year-old son moved back home with an eye toward socking away money to buy a condo. We never bothered asking how long he’d planned to stay, but I got...

Just Following Directions

My wife is a by-the-recipe baker. But that attention to detail still hasn’t made her chocolate chip cookies taste any better. One day, after the cookies had been in the...

Being Prepared

I was not thrilled with the idea of letting my clueless 13-year-old son babysit his younger sisters, even though he begged me to. “What about a fire?” I asked, referring...

Good Advice

My sister is a know-it-all who bristles at anyone’s well-intentioned advice. But when our older sister gave her several clever tips, she was impressed. "I have to hand it to...

Family Matters

“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend. “Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like...

Naming Game

My mom wants me to name my kids after people in our family. So I'm naming my firstborn Uncle Karl.

Good Sense

Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her "the talk." "Sometimes, it’s easy to get carried away when you’re with a boy," I said. "Remember, a short...