These old-people jokes will have you laughing for years to come. And if your memory isn't what it used to be, they're just as hilarious the second time around!
Aging isn’t always the most fun thing in the world, but it sure can be funny if you approach it with an easygoing attitude. In fact, joking about getting older—and the assorted health and life complications that come with it—can take some of the sting out of aging. As can cracking some lighthearted old-people jokes.
Plus, science shows laughing is good for your health. Research has linked laughter therapy to improved mental health and reduced loneliness among older adults. And a small study published in the European Heart Journal in 2023 found that coronary artery disease patients who watched comedy sessions benefited more than their counterparts who watched documentaries. Having a good laugh is even recommended for terminally ill cancer patients. Even if you have a dark sense of humor, laughter is truly the best medicine, as it helps lower cortisol levels and improves mental well-being.
In other words, having an arsenal of old-people jokes in your back pocket is a win-win. And we’ve got you covered. From short jokes that deliver quick chuckles to one-liners that’ll make you the star of any party, this big list of aging jokes includes some of the funniest witticisms we’ve heard in a while. And we’ve been around a looooong time. So settle in and read ahead for some old-people jokes that are best appreciated by those who have aged like fine wine.
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The funniest old-people jokes
- What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body in old age?
Cremation. - What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy. - What’s the best part of old age?
That it doesn’t last very long. - Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
It Depends. - Why do old people love English muffins so much?
Because of the nooks and grannies. - How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night. - What goes up but never comes down?
Your age! - Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?
In the bookstore, under “Fiction.” - Why should you marry someone older than you?
As your looks fade, so will their eyesight. - Why do retirees smile so much?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying. - What do you call someone who enjoys Mondays?
Retired. - When is the best time to start thinking about your retirement?
Before the boss does. - What’s the key to a structured retirement?
A rigid nap schedule. - Why was the retiree’s wife tired?
She got twice as much husband for half the pay. - What’s worse than middle age?
Knowing you’ll grow out of it. - How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it’ll take all day.
Positive jokes about aging that’ll make you smile
- These are not gray hairs! They are wisdom highlights.
- Old age makes us great multitaskers. Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time!
- You’re not getting old; you’re becoming a classic.
- Old age is a heck of a lot better than the alternative.
- Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.
- One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends … because they can’t remember them!
- Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter.
- Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck …
- I’ve decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30.
- Don’t let aging get you down; it’s too hard to get back up again.
- When you consider the alternative, old age really isn’t so bad.
- Aging gracefully is a nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
Jokes for seniors about marriage and family
- Of all your children, the only one who won’t grow up and move away is your husband.
- I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right. I just didn’t know her first name would be “Always.”
- An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “do I come here often?”
- My doctor told me I need to sweat daily, so I told him I’d start disobeying my wife.
- My husband cooks for me like I’m a goddess—by placing burnt offerings before me.
- Bickering with your spouse is like trying to read the Terms of Use for a new service. In the end, you just give up and click “I agree.”
- After a big fight, my wife yelled at me, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” So I replied, “That may be true, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
- Be kind to your kids. They choose your nursing home.
- Husbands are like lawn mowers: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.
- Love is like one long, sweet dream. Marriage is the alarm clock.
- Apparently, saying “Oh, this old thing?” isn’t an appropriate way to introduce my wife.
Old-people jokes about retirement
- You know it’s time to retire when your co-workers are wearing clothing from your youth and calling it retro.
- The truth is, retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
- Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.
- My company recently gave me an aptitude test, and I found out the work I was best suited for was retirement.
- Retirement is what happens between doctors’ appointments.
- Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
- Sometimes the best part of your career is retirement.
- Retirement is like one big sick day without sick pay.
Funny one-liners about aging
- You know you’re getting old when your birthday cake is a fire hazard.
- I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. They lived to a ripe old age.
- If I ever decide to buy a horse ranch in my old age, I’m going to name it Pasture Prime.
- I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold.
- You know you’re getting old when your doctor refers you to an archaeologist.
- The older we get, the earlier it gets late.
- I’m so old, I remember when the Dead Sea was middle-aged.
- Old people are just young people who have been alive for a very, very long time.
- With age comes wisdom … and hair in really weird places.
- Allow me to politely suggest that this be the year you start lying about your age.
- With old age comes wisdom … and early-bird specials!
- At my age, the only pole dancing I do is while holding on to the safety bar in the bathtub.
- I’m getting older and wider instead of older and wiser!
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Rehabilitation Nursing: “Effects of Laughter Therapy on Life Satisfaction and Loneliness in Older Adults Living in Nursing Homes in Turkey: A Parallel Group Randomized Controlled Trial”
- Complementary Therapies in Clinical Practice: “Efficacy of laughter-inducing interventions in patients with somatic or mental health problems: A systematic review and meta-analysis of randomized-controlled trials”
- European Heart Journal: “Laughter therapy cardiac rehabilitation in patients with stable coronary artery disease: a randomized clinical trial”
- PLOS One: “Laughter as medicine: A systematic review and meta-analysis of interventional studies evaluating the impact of spontaneous laughter on cortisol levels”
- Cancer Nursing: “Effect of Laughter Therapy on Mood Disturbances, Pain, and Burnout in Terminally Ill Cancer Patients and Family Caregivers”
