These clean jokes are so polished, you could eat off them!
Clean jokes everyone will love
Whether you’re networking, babysitting or meeting your new partner’s parents for the first time, there is one fallback that works in every single situation: clean jokes. Pulling a classic corny joke or funny one-liner out of your back pocket doesn’t just make everyone laugh (or groan); it also creates connections and dispels awkwardness.
There’s a time and a place for dark jokes, but when you’re dealing with a mixed group (family wedding, anyone?), it’s best to stick to short jokes that stay on the squeaky-clean side. Fortunately, we’ve rounded up dozens of wholesome yet hilarious ripsnorters that will delight friends, family members and colleagues of every age.
So read on for the best clean jokes around! You’ll want to keep this list handy for your next function, so you’ll be remembered as the funniest one there.
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Funny clean jokes
What vegetable is cool but not that cool?
Rad-ish.
Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory?
She took a day off.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
What do you call a magician who lost his magic?
Ian.
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect Goth-ham.
Why is a swordfish’s nose 11 inches long?
Because if it were 12 inches, it would be a foot.
What state is known for its small drinks?
Minnesota.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
A barberqueue.
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Clean jokes for adults
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
Because to them, love means nothing.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
Do I know any jokes about sodium?
Na.
If you have six oranges in one hand and eight bananas in another, what do you have?
Big hands.
What did zero say to eight?
“Nice belt!”
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
What’s the difference between black-eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song. Chickpeas can hummus one.
What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?
“Put it on my bill.”
Did you hear that Larry got a new job working for Old MacDonald?
He’s the new CIEIO.
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Clean jokes for kids
What did one plate say to the other plate?
“Dinner’s on me.”
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
“Supplies!”
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Why did the student eat his homework?
Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
What is the best way to criticize your boss?
Very quietly, so she cannot hear you.
How do folks at NASA organize a party?
They planet.
Why don’t comedians tell unemployment jokes?
None of them work.
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
Fo’ drizzle.
What do you call someone who is happy on Mondays?
Unemployed.
What do you call 12 people doing the work of one?
A committee.
What kind of award does the world’s top dentist get?
A little plaque.
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It caught a virus.
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the employee sit on the clock?
He wanted to be on time.
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
Why did the manager bring a ladder to the meeting?
Because they were going to the next level.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
They make up everything.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
No idea. I don’t speak French.
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Clean dad jokes
Have you heard about the guy who stole the calendar?
He got 12 months!
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Because he was afraid he might get a hole in one.
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
Too many ears.
What does a vegan zombie like to eat?
Graaains.
What’s the difference between a well-dressed cyclist and a scruffy guy on a tricycle?
A tire.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
What do you call a pigeon that can’t find its way home?
A pigeon.
How many sailors are Pirates?
3.14%.
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can’t handle the stakes.
Where can you get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.
Why didn’t the skeletons fight each other?
They didn’t have the guts.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
It was two-tired.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated.
What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.
Why didn’t the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10?
He said, “I still love Vista, baby.”
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold, hard cash.
Why can’t you trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
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Clean one-liners
I like telling dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you—you have my Word.
I was raised as an only child—and that got on my brother’s nerves.
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I am OK.
Every morning, I announce that I’m going running, but then I don’t. It’s a running joke.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn’t like it.
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo—I had to put my foot down.
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
I just found out the company that produces yardsticks won’t be making them any longer.
Geology rocks, but geography is where it’s at.
A termite walks into a bar and says, “So, is the bar tender here?”
Apparently, you can’t use the words beef stew as a password—it’s just not stroganoff.
If you loved these clean jokes, keep the giggles going with this list of the funniest jokes of all time.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
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