47 of the Funniest One-Liners on the Internet
Nothing's easier than a simple one-liner. The biggest laughs come from jokes that take little more than a sentence to deliver. From old favorites like Morey Amsterdam to modern comedians like Jim Gaffigan, here are some of our favorites.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch;
my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. – Woody Allen
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.
I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield. Don’t miss our favorite corny jokes everyone will laugh at.
A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant…
and orders a waiter. – Morey Amsterdam. You’ll definitely want to see the best jokes from your favorite comedians.
I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright
Congress is the finest group…
money can buy. – Morey Amsterdam. Here are 9 funny jokes to defuse awkward situations at work.
I was such an ugly kid…
when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. – Rodney Dangerfield
I am a man of my word,
and that word is “unreliable.” – Demitri Martin. Take a look at these hilarious vet office signs that will make you LOL.
New York now leads the world’s great cities…
in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. – David Letterman
Why does man kill? He kills for food.
And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. – Woody Allen
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot,
but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield. Here are 15 brilliantly funny jokes you can tell at any party.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. – Steven Wright
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws,
only catapults. – Demitri Martin
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in?
Somebody’s making a penny. – Steven Wright. Don’t miss these 20 grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.
People who live in glass houses…
might as well answer the door. – Morey Amsterdam
I’m astounded by people who want to know the universe…
when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. – Woody Allen
I like to go into The Body Shop and yell,
“I’ve already got one!” – Jimmy Carr
It’s a small world,
but I wouldn’t want to paint it. – Steven Wright
I wonder what the word “dots”…
looks like in braille. – Demitri Martin. Here are 50 bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die,
I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen. How about some pirate jokes? Here are 21 ye should tell the rest o’ ye crew.
I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.
When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.” – Demitri Martin
I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant,
because the customer is always right. – Mitch Hedberg
There should be a children’s song,
“If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.” – Jim Gaffigan.
The final test of fame…
is to have a crazy person imagine they’re you. – Mel Brooks. Here are 21 more anti-jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
I worry about my Nan.
If she falls, and no one’s around to hear it, does she make a sound? – Jimmy Carr. Here are the favorite jokes of 40 comedians.
If God wanted us to fly,
he’d have given us tickets! – Mel Brooks
When you go to the mind reader,
do you get half price? – David Letterman
How do you know when fish goes bad?
It smells like fish either way. – Jim Gaffigan. Here are 25 clever jokes that’ll make you sound smart.
When you eat spicy food, you can lose your taste.
When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. – Jimmy Carr. Check out these jokes that sum up the history of the world.
Bad taste is simply saying the truth
before it should be said. – Mel Brooks
How fast does a zebra need to run
before it looks grey? – Demitri Martin
Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…
to just running after a Frisbee. – Jim Gaffigan. Next, check out these 30 short jokes anyone can memorize.