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47 of the Funniest One-Liners on the Internet

Nothing's easier than a simple one-liner. The biggest laughs come from jokes that take little more than a sentence to deliver. From old favorites like Morey Amsterdam to modern comedians like Jim Gaffigan, here are some of our favorites.

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Side portrait of cheerful young african woman walking with a mobile phonemimagephotography/Shutterstock

I spilled spot remover on my dog.

Now he’s gone. – Steven Wright


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Elderly couple holding a digital tablet laughingbbernard/Shutterstock

I could tell that my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield. Get back at Pa with these groan-worthy dad jokes you’ll still laugh at or this growing list of dad jokes.

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Business woman in spectacles sitting at her desk in office and laughing. Woman sitting in office with laptop computer on her desk.Jacob Lund/Shutterstock

Dogs are forever

in the pushup position. – Mitch Hedberg

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Happy millennial african american man laughing at joke hanging in pizzeria sharing pizza with best friends, smiling attractive black guy having fun talking to buddy sharing lunch at cafe restaurantfizkes/Shutterstock

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch;

my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. – Woody Allen

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Portrait of smiling senior couple sitting close together cuddling caringly and laughingat kitchen table with tea cups and homemade cookiesPressmaster/Shutterstock

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.

I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield. Don’t miss our favorite corny jokes everyone will laugh at.

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four friends laughingYulai Studio/Shutterstock

A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant…

and orders a waiter. – Morey Amsterdam. You’ll definitely want to see the best jokes from your favorite comedians.

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Closeup portrait two surprised girls looking at cell phone, discussing latest gossip news, sharing intimate moments, shopping, laughing at what they see, isolated outdoors backgroundAshTproductions/Shutterstock

I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards.

 

I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright

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Young businesswoman laughing with colleagues while sitting at a table during a meeting in a modern officeFlamingo Images/Shutterstock

Congress is the finest group…

money can buy. – Morey Amsterdam. Here are 9 funny jokes to defuse awkward situations at work.

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Two young men sitting on the steps and laughing, looking at the phoneperfectlab/Shutterstock

My one regret in life…

is that I am not someone else. – Woody Allen

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Young happy Asian girls best friends laugh and smile while sitting and having fun with smart phone mobile indoor.interstid/Shutterstock

I was such an ugly kid…

when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. – Rodney Dangerfield

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Happy casual beautiful woman with spread hands working on a laptop laying on the bed in the bedroomJaroslav Francisko/Shutterstock

I am a man of my word,

and that word is “unreliable.” – Demitri Martin. Take a look at these hilarious vet office signs that will make you LOL.

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A happy young Indian woman looking in her phone and laughingMila Supinskaya Glashchenko/Shutterstock

New York now leads the world’s great cities…

in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. – David Letterman

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Great fun of working togetherInnerVisionPRO/Shutterstock

Why does man kill? He kills for food.

And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. – Woody Allen

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Beautiful women using a laptop in the Street. Youth concept.santypan/Shutterstock

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot,

but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield. Here are 15 brilliantly funny jokes you can tell at any party.

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Mature Female Friends Socializing In Backyard TogetherMonkey Business Images/Shutterstock

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. – Steven Wright

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Senior couple laughing while using digital tablet in bedroomwavebreakmedia/Shutterstock

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws,

only catapults. – Demitri Martin

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Positive young woman reading funny sms message on modern smartphone and laughing while sitting in cafe interior at table with laptop computer and notepad.Smiling female chatting in social networksGaudiLab/Shutterstock

I did a sponsored walk once.

I raised so much money, I could afford a taxi. – Jimmy Carr

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Happy friends holding each otherRawpixel.com/Shutterstock

Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in?

Somebody’s making a penny. – Steven Wright. Don’t miss these 20 grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.

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Couple Adult Happiness Laughing Holiday ConceptRawpixel.com/Shutterstock

People who live in glass houses…

might as well answer the door. – Morey Amsterdam

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Cheerful cute young woman using laptop and laughing at homeDean Drobot/Shutterstock

There’s no business like show business…

but there are several businesses like accounting. – David Letterman. These work jokes that can diffuse any awkward situation.

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Portrait of an elegant mature Asian woman laughing during the day. She's dressed professionally and leaning against a table in a coworking space, cafe or office in Asia. mentatdgt/Shutterstock

I’m astounded by people who want to know the universe…

when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. – Woody Allen

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Happy arabic young man giving high five to his friend. Group of mixed race people having fun in lounge barMariia Boiko/Shutterstock

I like to go into The Body Shop and yell,

“I’ve already got one!” – Jimmy Carr

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Two cheerful girls in sunglasses having fun and walking on streetDima Aslanian/Shutterstock

Big families are like waterbed stores:

They used to be everywhere and now they’re just weird. – Jim Gaffigan

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boy is laughing loudly in cafePetrovich Nataliya/Shutterstock

It’s a small world,

but I wouldn’t want to paint it. – Steven Wright

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Two young pretty girls in casual stylish wear laughing while sitting at cafeDean Drobot/Shutterstock

I wonder what the word “dots”…

looks like in braille. – Demitri Martin. Here are 50 bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at

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Cheerful multi-ethnic couple relaxing together on sofa with laptop and cup coffee. Smiling man and woman sitting on couch at home.Jacob Lund/Shutterstock

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles,

watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. – David Letterman

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laughing Senior woman using laptop for websurfing. Mature lady with cup of coffee watching funny movie.Evgeniy Zhukov/Shutterstock

It’s not that I’m afraid to die,

I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen. How about some pirate jokes? Here are 21 ye should tell the rest o’ ye crew.

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Joyful laughing african american couple looking at phoneDaniel M Ernst/Shutterstock

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.

When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.” – Demitri Martin

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group of multiethnic senior friends spending time together and laughingLightField Studios/Shutterstock

If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t beat death,

what chance have I got? – Mel Brooks

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Cheerful young man in trendy baseball cap watching funny video on mobile phone using 4G connection, smiling hipster guy reading good news from networks standing on wall promotional backgroundGaudiLab/Shutterstock

I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant,

because the customer is always right. – Mitch Hedberg

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Happy family lies on bed and watching something on laptop.Laughing and fun.Solis Images/Shutterstock

There should be a children’s song,

“If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.” – Jim Gaffigan. These 17 lightbulb jokes will make you sound smart.

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Portrait of smiling senior woman standing with her arms crossed and looking away at copy space against blue background. Caucasian middle aged female looking happily at copy space.Jacob Lund/Shutterstock

Critics can’t even make music…

by rubbing their back legs together. – Mel Brooks

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Photo of three young laughing colleagues sitting near coffee while work with laptops and notebook. Coworking.Dean Drobot/Shutterstock

The robe is a lazy man’s…

tuxedo. – Jim Gaffigan

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Portrait of attractive young african man sitting with skateboard and using smart phonemimagephotography/Shutterstock

The final test of fame…

is to have a crazy person imagine they’re you. – Mel Brooks. Here are 21 more anti-jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

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Side view shot of fit young woman standing outdoors, looking away and laughing. Happy female runner in sportswear in morning.Jacob Lund/Shutterstock

I found there was only one way to look thin:

hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

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Head and Shoulders of Young Woman with Red Hair Wearing Eyeglasses and Laughing Joyfully While Working on Computer with Over-Sized Monitor at Home in Kitchenstockfour/Shutterstock

I’d hate to be a giraffe…

with a sore throat. – Mitch Hedberg

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Young Adult Female Runners Arms Around each other smiling in country fieldTwin Sails/Shutterstock

When someone close to you dies,

move seats. – Jimmy Carr

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Group Of Friends In Caf�¢?? Relaxing TogetherMonkey Business Images/Shutterstock

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one.

So I got a cake. – Mitch Hedberg

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Senior woman enjoying a laugh with her granddaughter. They are sitting on the sofa together.DGLimages/Shutterstock

I worry about my Nan.

If she falls, and no one’s around to hear it, does she make a sound? – Jimmy Carr. Here are the favorite jokes of 40 comedians.

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Brothers laughing and having fun.pixelheadphoto digitalskillet/Shutterstock

If God wanted us to fly,

he’d have given us tickets! – Mel Brooks

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Laughing woman in marine shirt with curly hair over white wall. Toothy smile and red lips.Mark Nazh/Shutterstock

I got a robe. It’s not a robe, really,

it’s just a towel that fits me. – Mitch Hedberg

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Amazing girls laughing and having fun together.dekazigzag/Shutterstock

When you go to the mind reader,

do you get half price? – David Letterman

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Young African woman laughing while relaxing on her living room sofa browsing online with a digital tabletFlamingo Images/Shutterstock

How do you know when fish goes bad?

It smells like fish either way. – Jim Gaffigan. Here are 25 clever jokes that’ll make you sound smart.

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Image of happy caucasian woman 20s laughing and talking on smartphone while using laptop in cafeDean Drobot/Shutterstock

When you eat spicy food, you can lose your taste.

When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. – Jimmy Carr. Check out these jokes that sum up the history of the world.

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Prosperous bearded entrepreneur watching business webinar online on website on laptop computer connected to wireless 4G internet while writing down notes for productive work sitting in officeGaudiLab/Shutterstock

Bad taste is simply saying the truth

before it should be said. – Mel Brooks

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Positive granny with her friendsPressmaster/Shutterstock

How fast does a zebra need to run

before it looks grey? – Demitri Martin

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Portrait of two attractive girls dressed in jeans blue and yellow jackets having fun and laughing against a black wall.dekazigzag/Shutterstock

Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…

to just running after a Frisbee. – Jim Gaffigan. Next, check out these 30 short jokes anyone can memorize.