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47 of the Funniest One-Liners on the Internet

Nothing's easier than a simple one-liner. The biggest laughs come from jokes that take little more than a sentence to deliver. From old favorites like Morey Amsterdam to modern comedians like Jim Gaffigan, here are some of our favorites.

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Side portrait of cheerful young african woman walking with a mobile phone

I spilled spot remover on my dog.

Now he’s gone. – Steven Wright

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Elderly couple holding a digital tablet laughing

I could tell that my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield. Get back at Pa with these groan-worthy dad jokes you’ll still laugh at or this growing list of dad jokes.

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Business woman in spectacles sitting at her desk in office and laughing. Woman sitting in office with laptop computer on her desk.
Jacob Lund/Shutterstock

Dogs are forever

in the pushup position. – Mitch Hedberg

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Happy millennial african american man laughing at joke hanging in pizzeria sharing pizza with best friends, smiling attractive black guy having fun talking to buddy sharing lunch at cafe restaurant

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch;

my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. – Woody Allen

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Portrait of smiling senior couple sitting close together cuddling caringly and laughingat kitchen table with tea cups and homemade cookies

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.

I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield. Don’t miss our favorite corny jokes everyone will laugh at.

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four friends laughing
Yulai Studio/Shutterstock

A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant…

and orders a waiter. – Morey Amsterdam. 

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Closeup portrait two surprised girls looking at cell phone, discussing latest gossip news, sharing intimate moments, shopping, laughing at what they see, isolated outdoors background

I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards.

I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright

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Young businesswoman laughing with colleagues while sitting at a table during a meeting in a modern office
Flamingo Images/Shutterstock

Congress is the finest group…

money can buy. – Morey Amsterdam. Here are 9 funny jokes to defuse awkward situations at work.

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Two young men sitting on the steps and laughing, looking at the phone

My one regret in life…

is that I am not someone else. – Woody Allen

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Young happy Asian girls best friends laugh and smile while sitting and having fun with smart phone mobile indoor.

I was such an ugly kid…

when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. – Rodney Dangerfield

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Happy casual beautiful woman with spread hands working on a laptop laying on the bed in the bedroom
Jaroslav Francisko/Shutterstock

I am a man of my word,

and that word is “unreliable.” – Demitri Martin. 

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A happy young Indian woman looking in her phone and laughing
Mila Supinskaya Glashchenko/Shutterstock

New York now leads the world’s great cities…

in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. – David Letterman

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Great fun of working together

Why does man kill? He kills for food.

And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. – Woody Allen

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Beautiful women using a laptop in the Street. Youth concept.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot,

but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield. 

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Mature Female Friends Socializing In Backyard Together
Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. – Steven Wright

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Senior couple laughing while using digital tablet in bedroom

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws,

only catapults. – Demitri Martin

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Positive young woman reading funny sms message on modern smartphone and laughing while sitting in cafe interior at table with laptop computer and notepad.Smiling female chatting in social networks

I did a sponsored walk once.

I raised so much money, I could afford a taxi. – Jimmy Carr

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Happy friends holding each other

Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in?

Somebody’s making a penny. – Steven Wright. Don’t miss these 20 grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.

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Couple Adult Happiness Laughing Holiday Concept

People who live in glass houses…

might as well answer the door. – Morey Amsterdam

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Cheerful cute young woman using laptop and laughing at home
Dean Drobot/Shutterstock

There’s no business like show business…

but there are several businesses like accounting. – David Letterman. 

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Portrait of an elegant mature Asian woman laughing during the day. She's dressed professionally and leaning against a table in a coworking space, cafe or office in Asia.

I’m astounded by people who want to know the universe…

when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. – Woody Allen

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Happy arabic young man giving high five to his friend. Group of mixed race people having fun in lounge bar
Mariia Boiko/Shutterstock

I like to go into The Body Shop and yell,

“I’ve already got one!” – Jimmy Carr

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Two cheerful girls in sunglasses having fun and walking on street
Dima Aslanian/Shutterstock

Big families are like waterbed stores:

They used to be everywhere and now they’re just weird. – Jim Gaffigan

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boy is laughing loudly in cafe
Petrovich Nataliya/Shutterstock

It’s a small world,

but I wouldn’t want to paint it. – Steven Wright

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Two young pretty girls in casual stylish wear laughing while sitting at cafe
Dean Drobot/Shutterstock

I wonder what the word “dots”…

looks like in braille. – Demitri Martin. Here are 50 bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at

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Cheerful multi-ethnic couple relaxing together on sofa with laptop and cup coffee. Smiling man and woman sitting on couch at home.
Jacob Lund/Shutterstock

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles,

watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. – David Letterman

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laughing Senior woman using laptop for websurfing. Mature lady with cup of coffee watching funny movie.
Evgeniy Zhukov/Shutterstock

It’s not that I’m afraid to die,

I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen. How about some pirate jokes? Here are 21 ye should tell the rest o’ ye crew.

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Joyful laughing african american couple looking at phone
Daniel M Ernst/Shutterstock

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.

When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.” – Demitri Martin

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group of multiethnic senior friends spending time together and laughing
LightField Studios/Shutterstock

If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t beat death,

what chance have I got? – Mel Brooks

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Cheerful young man in trendy baseball cap watching funny video on mobile phone using 4G connection, smiling hipster guy reading good news from networks standing on wall promotional background

I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant,

because the customer is always right. – Mitch Hedberg

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Happy family lies on bed and watching something on laptop.Laughing and fun.
Solis Images/Shutterstock

There should be a children’s song,

“If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.” – Jim Gaffigan. 

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Portrait of smiling senior woman standing with her arms crossed and looking away at copy space against blue background. Caucasian middle aged female looking happily at copy space.
Jacob Lund/Shutterstock

Critics can’t even make music…

by rubbing their back legs together. – Mel Brooks

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Photo of three young laughing colleagues sitting near coffee while work with laptops and notebook. Coworking.
Dean Drobot/Shutterstock

The robe is a lazy man’s…

tuxedo. – Jim Gaffigan

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Portrait of attractive young african man sitting with skateboard and using smart phone

The final test of fame…

is to have a crazy person imagine they’re you. – Mel Brooks. Here are 21 more anti-jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

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Side view shot of fit young woman standing outdoors, looking away and laughing. Happy female runner in sportswear in morning.
Jacob Lund/Shutterstock

I found there was only one way to look thin:

hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

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Head and Shoulders of Young Woman with Red Hair Wearing Eyeglasses and Laughing Joyfully While Working on Computer with Over-Sized Monitor at Home in Kitchen

I’d hate to be a giraffe…

with a sore throat. – Mitch Hedberg

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Young Adult Female Runners Arms Around each other smiling in country field
Twin Sails/Shutterstock

When someone close to you dies,

move seats. – Jimmy Carr

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Group Of Friends In Caf�¢?? Relaxing Together
Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one.

So I got a cake. – Mitch Hedberg

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Senior woman enjoying a laugh with her granddaughter. They are sitting on the sofa together.

I worry about my Nan.

If she falls, and no one’s around to hear it, does she make a sound? – Jimmy Carr. Here are the favorite jokes of 40 comedians.

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Brothers laughing and having fun.
pixelheadphoto digitalskillet/Shutterstock

If God wanted us to fly,

he’d have given us tickets! – Mel Brooks

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Laughing woman in marine shirt with curly hair over white wall. Toothy smile and red lips.
Mark Nazh/Shutterstock

I got a robe. It’s not a robe, really,

it’s just a towel that fits me. – Mitch Hedberg

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Amazing girls laughing and having fun together.

When you go to the mind reader,

do you get half price? – David Letterman

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Young African woman laughing while relaxing on her living room sofa browsing online with a digital tablet
Flamingo Images/Shutterstock

How do you know when fish goes bad?

It smells like fish either way. – Jim Gaffigan. Here are 25 clever jokes that’ll make you sound smart.

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Image of happy caucasian woman 20s laughing and talking on smartphone while using laptop in cafe
Dean Drobot/Shutterstock

When you eat spicy food, you can lose your taste.

When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. – Jimmy Carr. 

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Prosperous bearded entrepreneur watching business webinar online on website on laptop computer connected to wireless 4G internet while writing down notes for productive work sitting in office

Bad taste is simply saying the truth

before it should be said. – Mel Brooks

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Positive granny with her friends

How fast does a zebra need to run

before it looks grey? – Demitri Martin

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Portrait of two attractive girls dressed in jeans blue and yellow jackets having fun and laughing against a black wall.

Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…

to just running after a Frisbee. – Jim Gaffigan. Next, check out these 30 short jokes anyone can memorize.