47 of the Funniest One-Liners on the Internet
Nothing's easier than a simple one-liner. The biggest laughs come from jokes that take little more than a sentence to deliver. From old favorites like Morey Amsterdam to modern comedians like Jim Gaffigan, here are some of our favorites.
I spilled spot remover on my dog.
Now he’s gone. – Steven Wright
Dogs are forever
in the pushup position. – Mitch Hedberg
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch;
my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. – Woody Allen
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.
I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield. Don’t miss our favorite corny jokes everyone will laugh at.
A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant…
and orders a waiter. – Morey Amsterdam.
I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright
Congress is the finest group…
money can buy. – Morey Amsterdam. Here are 9 funny jokes to defuse awkward situations at work.
My one regret in life…
is that I am not someone else. – Woody Allen
I was such an ugly kid…
when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. – Rodney Dangerfield
I am a man of my word,
and that word is “unreliable.” – Demitri Martin.
New York now leads the world’s great cities…
in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. – David Letterman
Why does man kill? He kills for food.
And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. – Woody Allen
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot,
but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. – Steven Wright
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws,
only catapults. – Demitri Martin
I did a sponsored walk once.
I raised so much money, I could afford a taxi. – Jimmy Carr
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in?
Somebody’s making a penny. – Steven Wright. Don’t miss these 20 grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.
People who live in glass houses…
might as well answer the door. – Morey Amsterdam
There’s no business like show business…
but there are several businesses like accounting. – David Letterman.
I’m astounded by people who want to know the universe…
when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. – Woody Allen
I like to go into The Body Shop and yell,
“I’ve already got one!” – Jimmy Carr
Big families are like waterbed stores:
They used to be everywhere and now they’re just weird. – Jim Gaffigan
It’s a small world,
but I wouldn’t want to paint it. – Steven Wright
I wonder what the word “dots”…
looks like in braille. – Demitri Martin. Here are 50 bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles,
watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. – David Letterman
It’s not that I’m afraid to die,
I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen. How about some pirate jokes? Here are 21 ye should tell the rest o’ ye crew.
I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.
When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.” – Demitri Martin
If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t beat death,
what chance have I got? – Mel Brooks
I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant,
because the customer is always right. – Mitch Hedberg
There should be a children’s song,
“If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.” – Jim Gaffigan.
Critics can’t even make music…
by rubbing their back legs together. – Mel Brooks
The robe is a lazy man’s…
tuxedo. – Jim Gaffigan
The final test of fame…
is to have a crazy person imagine they’re you. – Mel Brooks. Here are 21 more anti-jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
I found there was only one way to look thin:
hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield
I’d hate to be a giraffe…
with a sore throat. – Mitch Hedberg
When someone close to you dies,
move seats. – Jimmy Carr
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake. – Mitch Hedberg
I worry about my Nan.
If she falls, and no one’s around to hear it, does she make a sound? – Jimmy Carr. Here are the favorite jokes of 40 comedians.
If God wanted us to fly,
he’d have given us tickets! – Mel Brooks
I got a robe. It’s not a robe, really,
it’s just a towel that fits me. – Mitch Hedberg
When you go to the mind reader,
do you get half price? – David Letterman
How do you know when fish goes bad?
It smells like fish either way. – Jim Gaffigan. Here are 25 clever jokes that’ll make you sound smart.
When you eat spicy food, you can lose your taste.
When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. – Jimmy Carr.
Bad taste is simply saying the truth
before it should be said. – Mel Brooks
How fast does a zebra need to run
before it looks grey? – Demitri Martin
Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…
to just running after a Frisbee. – Jim Gaffigan. Next, check out these 30 short jokes anyone can memorize.