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47 of the Funniest One-Liners on the Internet

Nothing's easier than a simple one-liner. The biggest laughs come from jokes that take little more than a sentence to deliver. From old favorites like Morey Amsterdam to modern comedians like Jim Gaffigan, here are some of our favorites.

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I spilled spot remover on my dog.

Now he’s gone. – Steven Wright

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I could tell that my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield. Get back at Pa with these groan-worthy dad jokes you’ll still laugh at or this growing list of dad jokes.

Business woman in spectacles sitting at her desk in office and laughing. Woman sitting in office with laptop computer on her desk.Jacob Lund/Shutterstock

Dogs are forever

in the pushup position. – Mitch Hedberg

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I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch;

my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. – Woody Allen

Portrait of smiling senior couple sitting close together cuddling caringly and laughingat kitchen table with tea cups and homemade cookiesPressmaster/Shutterstock

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.

I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield. Don’t miss our favorite corny jokes everyone will laugh at.

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A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant…

and orders a waiter. – Morey Amsterdam. You’ll definitely want to see the best jokes from your favorite comedians.

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I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards.

I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright

Young businesswoman laughing with colleagues while sitting at a table during a meeting in a modern officeFlamingo Images/Shutterstock

Congress is the finest group…

money can buy. – Morey Amsterdam. Here are 9 funny jokes to defuse awkward situations at work.

Two young men sitting on the steps and laughing, looking at the phoneperfectlab/Shutterstock

My one regret in life…

is that I am not someone else. – Woody Allen

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I was such an ugly kid…

when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. – Rodney Dangerfield

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I am a man of my word,

and that word is “unreliable.” – Demitri Martin. Take a look at these hilarious vet office signs that will make you LOL.

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New York now leads the world’s great cities…

in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. – David Letterman

Great fun of working togetherInnerVisionPRO/Shutterstock

Why does man kill? He kills for food.

And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. – Woody Allen

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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot,

but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield. Here are 15 brilliantly funny jokes you can tell at any party.

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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. – Steven Wright

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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws,

only catapults. – Demitri Martin

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I did a sponsored walk once.

I raised so much money, I could afford a taxi. – Jimmy Carr

Happy friends holding each

Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in?

Somebody’s making a penny. – Steven Wright. Don’t miss these 20 grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.

Couple Adult Happiness Laughing Holiday

People who live in glass houses…

might as well answer the door. – Morey Amsterdam

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There’s no business like show business…

but there are several businesses like accounting. – David Letterman. 

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I’m astounded by people who want to know the universe…

when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. – Woody Allen

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I like to go into The Body Shop and yell,

“I’ve already got one!” – Jimmy Carr

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Big families are like waterbed stores:

They used to be everywhere and now they’re just weird. – Jim Gaffigan

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It’s a small world,

but I wouldn’t want to paint it. – Steven Wright

Two young pretty girls in casual stylish wear laughing while sitting at cafeDean Drobot/Shutterstock

I wonder what the word “dots”…

looks like in braille. – Demitri Martin. Here are 50 bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at

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Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles,

watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. – David Letterman

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It’s not that I’m afraid to die,

I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen. How about some pirate jokes? Here are 21 ye should tell the rest o’ ye crew.

Joyful laughing african american couple looking at phoneDaniel M Ernst/Shutterstock

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.

When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.” – Demitri Martin

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If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t beat death,

what chance have I got? – Mel Brooks

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I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant,

because the customer is always right. – Mitch Hedberg

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There should be a children’s song,

“If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.” – Jim Gaffigan. 

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Critics can’t even make music…

by rubbing their back legs together. – Mel Brooks

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The robe is a lazy man’s…

tuxedo. – Jim Gaffigan

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The final test of fame…

is to have a crazy person imagine they’re you. – Mel Brooks. Here are 21 more anti-jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

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I found there was only one way to look thin:

hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

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I’d hate to be a giraffe…

with a sore throat. – Mitch Hedberg

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When someone close to you dies,

move seats. – Jimmy Carr

Group Of Friends In Caf�¢?? Relaxing TogetherMonkey Business Images/Shutterstock

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one.

So I got a cake. – Mitch Hedberg

Senior woman enjoying a laugh with her granddaughter. They are sitting on the sofa together.DGLimages/Shutterstock

I worry about my Nan.

If she falls, and no one’s around to hear it, does she make a sound? – Jimmy Carr. Here are the favorite jokes of 40 comedians.

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If God wanted us to fly,

he’d have given us tickets! – Mel Brooks

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I got a robe. It’s not a robe, really,

it’s just a towel that fits me. – Mitch Hedberg

Amazing girls laughing and having fun together.dekazigzag/Shutterstock

When you go to the mind reader,

do you get half price? – David Letterman

Young African woman laughing while relaxing on her living room sofa browsing online with a digital tabletFlamingo Images/Shutterstock

How do you know when fish goes bad?

It smells like fish either way. – Jim Gaffigan. Here are 25 clever jokes that’ll make you sound smart.

Image of happy caucasian woman 20s laughing and talking on smartphone while using laptop in cafeDean Drobot/Shutterstock

When you eat spicy food, you can lose your taste.

When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. – Jimmy Carr. Check out these jokes that sum up the history of the world.

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Bad taste is simply saying the truth

before it should be said. – Mel Brooks

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How fast does a zebra need to run

before it looks grey? – Demitri Martin

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Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…

to just running after a Frisbee. – Jim Gaffigan. Next, check out these 30 short jokes anyone can memorize.