47 of the Funniest One-Liners on the Internet
Updated: Apr. 07, 2020Nothing's easier than a simple one-liner. The biggest laughs come from jokes that take little more than a sentence to deliver. From old favorites like Morey Amsterdam to modern comedians like Jim Gaffigan, here are some of our favorites.
I could tell that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield. Get back at Pa with these groan-worthy dad jokes you’ll still laugh at or this growing list of dad jokes.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch;
my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. – Woody Allen
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.
I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield. Don’t miss our favorite corny jokes everyone will laugh at.
A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant…
and orders a waiter. – Morey Amsterdam. You’ll definitely want to see the best jokes from your favorite comedians.
I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright
Congress is the finest group…
money can buy. – Morey Amsterdam. Here are 9 funny jokes to defuse awkward situations at work.
I was such an ugly kid…
when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. – Rodney Dangerfield
I am a man of my word,
and that word is “unreliable.” – Demitri Martin. Take a look at these hilarious vet office signs that will make you LOL.
Why does man kill? He kills for food.
And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. – Woody Allen
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot,
but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield. Here are 15 brilliantly funny jokes you can tell at any party.
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in?
Somebody’s making a penny. – Steven Wright. Don’t miss these 20 grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.
There’s no business like show business…
but there are several businesses like accounting. – David Letterman. These work jokes that can diffuse any awkward situation.
Big families are like waterbed stores:
They used to be everywhere and now they’re just weird. – Jim Gaffigan
I wonder what the word “dots”…
looks like in braille. – Demitri Martin. Here are 50 bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles,
watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. – David Letterman
It’s not that I’m afraid to die,
I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen. How about some pirate jokes? Here are 21 ye should tell the rest o’ ye crew.
I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.
When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.” – Demitri Martin
There should be a children’s song,
“If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.” – Jim Gaffigan. These 17 lightbulb jokes will make you sound smart.
The final test of fame…
is to have a crazy person imagine they’re you. – Mel Brooks. Here are 21 more anti-jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake. – Mitch Hedberg
I worry about my Nan.
If she falls, and no one’s around to hear it, does she make a sound? – Jimmy Carr. Here are the favorite jokes of 40 comedians.
How do you know when fish goes bad?
It smells like fish either way. – Jim Gaffigan. Here are 25 clever jokes that’ll make you sound smart.
When you eat spicy food, you can lose your taste.
When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. – Jimmy Carr. Check out these jokes that sum up the history of the world.
Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…
to just running after a Frisbee. – Jim Gaffigan. Next, check out these 30 short jokes anyone can memorize.