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25 Quarantine Quotes That Are Actually Pretty Funny

Have you finished the whole Netflix yet?

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surgical mask with a smileCarol Yepes/Getty Images

Full meme ahead!

There’s absolutely nothing funny about the coronavirus pandemic. But being quarantined with your family while trying to homeschool your kids and work a job? Face it, things can get pretty hilarious. And weird! Are you still on the hunt for toilet paper or did you manage to squirrel away enough to last for the next several decades? Are you suddenly a homeschool teacher? Great! Are your kids just the most delightful students? No? Are they driving you bonkers yet? How about your spouse? Are they keeping things sanitized or eating all the snacks while learning to play the guitar? Read on for the funny quotes you need to get you through quarantine! If you’re feeling extra desperate for a laugh (and who isn’t?!) here are 50 jokes so bad that you can’t help but giggle.

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Top-secret mission

Mission accomplished? Hopefully, you’ve got enough TP to get you through. Everyone scrambled to make sure they had enough which left paper product store shelves empty. It does seem like an absolute must-have, but believe it or not, toilet paper wasn’t even available in stores before 1857. You may need a back-up plan yourself. So, what did folks do? They actually went with stones (hope they were smooth!) and these other things that people used before toilet paper existed.

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Best intentions

Look, no pressure! It’s hard to be productive when there’s a global pandemic going on. Napping is healthy. Take some time to enjoy a slower pace. You know exercise is good for you, but walks (while practicing social distancing) and some meditative deep breaths also count right now. However, if you need some inspiration to get going, check out these 8 geniuses who made history while in quarantine.

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The grass is always greener

People with kids: you signed up for this. You know you did. Time to grin and bear it. You’ll be OK. They grow and change. Eventually. People without kids: just go back to your relaxing, uninterrupted, glorious self-care. Luxuriate. For the ones out there who can’t.

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Curtsies accepted, too

All right, who misses hugs? Just remember that by quarantining you are doing your part to keep everyone safe! The regular social etiquette practices no longer apply in the best interest of the greater good. It’s a big shift, but we can do it together. Check out our coronavirus guide with all the tips you need to keep your family safe and make the most of your time together.

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It’s hard out there for a bug

It’s so important to shelter in place right now, so at least quarantining helps starve the mosquitoes! Everything you love (and hate) about warm weather life will eventually return. Actually, mosquitoes are a necessary part of the ecosystem because they help with pollination and provide food for fish.

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Inside a dog’s mind

Ideally, quarantining with your dog is training you to be cuter than you normally are. Why do dogs get so excited when looking out the window? Is it happiness or anxiety? Don’t miss all the reasons your dog does what she does—like have a sense of smell thousands of times better than yours! Here are 30 more fun facts about dogs.

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What day is it?

A big shout out to tom @pilau on Twitter for pointing out that we have lost all track of time. It’s a totally stressful time, but the best thing to do is to keep yourself and others safe by staying in—even if that means one day runs into the next.

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Dad still has it

Gotta hand it to Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes on Twitter for keeping the quarantine corny. Quaran-cringe. Buh-dum-tiss. Hey, dads out there! Time to fire up your joke combustion engine and get all hands on deck! Put this one in your pocket and pull it out when your kids need to roll their eyes again! If you need more dad-based wit, check out the guaranteed LOLs (lots of lame!) in these 26 bad dad jokes from Twitter.

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The quarantine diet

Your fridge is not judging you, even though it seems like it. Three meals a day (plus two snacks!) makes zero sense during a quarantine. Go ahead and triple that and you should be all set with the proper amount of meals. Still hungry? Here are 20 extra cheesy food jokes to keep you healthy.

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Close quarters

Awwww. True romance can turn up anywhere. We’re so glad Vino @steelydanalbum on Twitter is giving hope to hunkered down lovebirds out there. If you need more inspiration, here’s a couple who’ve worked at home together for three years.

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Do they ever stop talking?

They’re probably talking about how they want crackers too right? And snacks. And how they want the iPad for “just ten extra minutes.” There is nothing like the energy of a child who has mastered narrating events as they happen, telling you the names of nearby objects, and utilizing the word “why” about everything, including facts they know—like what bedtime is.

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The ugly truth

The Salty Mamas @saltymamas on Twitter are keeping it real. Is your house clean yet? What about your junk drawer(s)? Are you going to start organizing anytime soon? Before you go to town with Clorox wipes (assuming you were able to score any) here are 10 times that they actually aren’t the best choice for disinfecting.

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I’m a little lonely…

Thanks to Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett on Twitter for telling it like it is. Say “hey” to the lamp for us!

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Aye, aye, matey!

As a parent, you always know the best way to answer the hard questions. The perfect example of A+ parenting is Sarah J White @DrSarahJWhite on Twitter. The corona pirates are out there and so, for now, everyone is staying in. Exactly. If you need more laughs (and you know you do) here are 27 of the funniest parenting tweets on Twitter.

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Always be prepared

Hey, Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues on Twitter, agreed. You are the queen of this crisis. Yes! Why do we all have these bags full of plastic bags? Make sure they’re all disinfected, tuck them away, or recycle them once it’s safe to go out and about again.

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Who needs a calendar?

If you’re going a little stir crazy (or a lot) try a virtual tour of a museum to catch your bearings and get a glimpse of all the fantastic things in the outside world. You can also get your family or roommates organized for a good, old-fashioned board game tournament. Here are the best-reviewed board games to pull out of the closet or have delivered to keep everyone’s spirits up.

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At least it’s on sale

For the shopaholics in quarantine, the rules may have shifted, but it’s the same game. Add. To. Cart. Maybe take a breather since pandemics aren’t the best for the economy. Don’t miss these tips on how to stock up wisely, whether your in the middle of an emergency or not.

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Who is the grown-up?

Why won’t parents listen? Thank you, Brigid Delaney @BrigidWD on Twitter for perfectly articulating the great irony that is being an adult with parents, who need to parent their parents. Adulting, indeed!

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Step away from the scissors

Challenge not accepted! You might end up with a mullet or a shag. It’ll be OK. These hairdos will be coming back in style soon. Also, it’s perfectly acceptable to wear a hat during your video conference call. You won’t be the only one. Here are 11 work-from-home cartoons that we can all relate to right now.

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You got this

Anyone who was sent to their room on the regular knows how to get through quarantine. Lie on the bed, stare at the ceiling, blast the music (earphones optional), and brood. You’ve got this. Introverts are also in their element right about now. Alone time. It’s a way of life.

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You’re the teacher now

Homeschooling. Deep breaths. There are millions upon millions of students, teachers, and parents moving to online education from home. Consider it an adventure. It might be time to take advice from the experts.

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They re-invented math?

If you don’t put the little slash through it and carry the other number over then, is it even math? If you’re a parent who has been newly-dubbed school teacher, then here’s an elementary school math quiz where you can test your mettle.

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What time is it again? It’s absolutely time for 11 adorable animal cams to get you through this! Just don’t mistakenly live-stream yourself to your coworkers. You’re not that cute!

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Pants optional

Thank you, Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome on Twitter for speaking truth to power. It’s time for jokes. Don’t miss this collection of all the jokes you could ever want.

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Trick question

There is no right or wrong answer here because there is no choice. Trick question! So, bunk in, hunker down, consider all you have to be grateful for and stay inside. It’s the best way to flatten the curve and save lives, but everyone has to do their part.

Molly Pennington, PhD
Molly is a writer and collage artist with a PhD in film and cultural studies from the University of Pittsburgh. Her professional astrology services and artwork are available at Baroque Moon Astrology. She covers the zodiac, books, movies, TV and culture for Reader’s Digest, and loves to talk about all the ways we make meaning.