47 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes to Share Around the Table
Embrace the humor of the holiday with funny Thanksgiving quotes your guests will gobble up.
Gobble up these funny Thanksgiving quotes
Ah, Thanksgiving—the time of year when we get together with loved ones to enjoy a delicious meal and one another’s company. Whether you’re cracking Thanksgiving jokes or solving fun Thanksgiving riddles together, there’s bound to be plenty of laughs. Another great way to get the giggles going is by reading funny Thanksgiving quotes to one another.
These funny Thanksgiving quotes capture the humor in preparing a big meal, spending time with family, and of course, eating tasty food. Share them with your loved ones this year and debate which is the most relatable over dinner. Bonus: These quotes make great Thanksgiving Instagram captions and wishes too!
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson.
“I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.” —Kumail Nanjiani
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous.
Speaking of turkey, learn why we eat turkey on Thanksgiving.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller.
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan. Don’t feel like cooking? You’re in luck—these restaurants are open on Thanksgiving.
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg.
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner.
“Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.” —Tom Swyers
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first invent the universe.” —Carl Sagan
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Pie makes everybody happy.” —Laurie Halse Anderson
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” —Reba McEntire
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler