30 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes to Share Around the Table
Gobble them up!
Funny Thanksgiving quotes
Thanksgiving might look a little different this year, but that doesn’t mean you can’t share laughs with your family. Read some of these funny thanksgiving quotes around the table (virtual or in-person) to get the whole family laughing. Learn what your favorite Thanksgiving dish says about you.
On traditional Thanksgiving celebrations
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart. All funny Thanksgiving quotes aside, here are 15 tips for keeping your sanity if you’re hosting Thanksgiving.
On Thanksgiving reunions
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson. Avoid a meal like this by avoiding these 10 topics you should never discuss at Thanksgiving dinner.
On the Thanksgiving food line
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon. First in line!
On Black Friday
“I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.” —Kumail Nanjiani. At least you’re doing it on a full stomach. If these funny Thanksgiving quotes don’t provide enough entertainment here are some fun games you can play this Thanksgiving.
On delicious food
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous. Here’s why we watch football on Thanksgiving.
On Thanksgiving attire
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James. The reason we love funny Thanksgiving quotes is because they actually reflect real life pretty well. Especially this one. Check out the best-ever floats from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
On prepping the turkey
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller. You may know not to do that, but here are more Thanksgiving mistakes you’ll probably make this year.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” —Erma Bombeck. And butter is more than a spread. It’s a way of life. Can you guess which famous books these quotes are from?
On Thanksgiving traditions
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?” —Jim Gaffigan. Leave it to funny Thanksgiving quotes to remind us how truly joyous this holiday is. Here’s how to cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner in just 3 hours.
On leaving after the holiday
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.” —Melanie White. These funny Thanksgiving quotes might help you get out of an awkward conversation, but these are the must-have products to fix any Thanksgiving emergency.
On the Canadian perspective
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that?” —Howie Mandel. Gratitude is universal. Check out these Thanksgiving place cards you’ll want at your table.
On types of turkey
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” —Mitch Hedberg. Whatever type of turkey you’re serving, be sure to follow these tips for hosting a warm, meaningful Thanksgiving this year.
On Thanksgiving firsts
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley. You’ll love these cartoons about family life that will make yours seem less crazy.
On turkeys as a species
“If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed—like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese.” —Ted Nugent. It’s a much more effective method than “Save the Turkeys” bumper stickers.
On home cooking
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.” —Rita Rudner. All jokes aside, home cooking is just one of the 50 reasons to be thankful this Thanksgiving.
On baseball Thanksgivings
“Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.” —Tom Swyers.
On hunting your own Thanksgiving turkey
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson. “Clean up on aisle seven!”
On alternative Thanksgiving meals
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin. Turkeys aren’t the only funny animals on Thanksgiving. Check out these hilarious animal cartoons that even humans love.
On the holiday season
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper. Even the turkeys are wearing Santa hats and clucking Christmas carols. It’s like they want to skip Thanksgiving altogether!
On eating too much
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno. Just be sure to follow these 17 tips for Thanksgiving dinner etiquette.
On apple pie recipes
“If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch you must first invent the universe.” —Carl Sagan. Your move, Martha Stewart.
On Thanksgiving Day football games
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck. These totally real (and hilarious) Butterball hotline calls will make you laugh just as much as these funny Thanksgiving quotes.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet. Don’t miss these hilariously real cartoons anyone on a diet will appreciate.
On the spirit of Thanksgiving
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert.
On men helping make Thanksgiving dinner
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon. All women agree that that doesn’t count as helping.
On bragging about being alone
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz. Please, we don’t want to hear it. Here are some fun crafts to keep your pesky nieces and nephews entertained on Thanksgiving.
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander. Don’t let these funny Thanksgiving quotes fool you; leftovers are one of the best parts of the holiday. Make sure you don’t believe these Thanksgiving “facts” that are actually false.
On good mashed potatoes
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham. It’s one of the best forms of potatoes.
On the definition of turkey
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce. Whether you’re eating Thanksgiving dinner with family or goofing off with friends, you’ll definitely want to know these short jokes that anyone can remember.