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Q. If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on? A. Scholar ships.
Q. What did sick people do on the Mayflower? A. They went to the dock!
Q: When do you serve tofu turkey? A: Pranksgiving.
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Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted? A: Boy! I'm stuffed!
Q: Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? A: Because they never learned good table manners!
Q: What key has legs and can't open doors? A: A Turkey.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: It was the chicken's day off!
Q: What do you call a running turkey? A: Fast food.
Q: Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down? A: Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
Q: What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? A: The turkey trot
Q: What did the turkey say to the computer? A: Google, google, google!
Q: What do you call the age of a pilgrim? A: Pilgrimage.
Q: What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? A: Pil-grimace.
Q: What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? A: Pilgrammar.
Q: What was the turkey looking for at ToysRus? A: Gobbleheads.
Q: What was the turkey suspected of? A: Fowl play.
Q: What's the best way to stuff a turkey? A: Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make? A: Wing! Wing!
Q: What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner? A: Your nose.
Q: What do you wear to Thanksgiving dinner? A: A Har-VEST.
Q: How do Rednecks celebrate Thanksgiving? A: Pump kin!
Q: What do Thanksgiving and Halloween have in common? A: One has gobblers, the other goblins.
Q: What do you call a holiday dinner without the parents? A: Friendsgiving.
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? A: Pumpkin pi.
Q: What is a pumpkin's favorite sport? A: Squash
Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," Little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
Knock Knock. Who There? Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving for what? Thanks giving us this turkey.
After a long Thanksgiving Day of eating and playing, my 3-year-old granddaughter asked her mother to carry her. When I asked if her legs were broken, Aislin said, “Yes, they’re...
I prepared Thanksgiving dinner for guests from out of town. I cooked for many hours using recipes I’d found. But the turkey, I confess, was not a golden brown. I...
Q: What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an ghost? A: A poultrygeist!
Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey? A: They suspected fowl play.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road twice? A: To prove he wasn't a chicken!
Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight? A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Q: What key won't open any door? A: A turkey!
Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy
Q: What kind of weather does a turkey like? A: Fowl weather!
Q: What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? A: The turkey trot.
Q: If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? A: Goblet.
Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!
Q: Why should you never set the turkey next to the dessert? A: Because he will gobble, gobble it up!
Q: What sound does a turkey’s phone make? A: Wing, Wing! Wing, Wing!
Q: What’s the most musical part of a turkey? A: The drumstick.
Q: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert? A: Peach gobbler!
Q: What sound does a limping turkey make? A: Wobble, wobble!
Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys? A: Fowl weather!
Q: What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? A: The turKEY.
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Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church? A: They use fowl language.
Q: What is it called when a turkey fumbles in football? A: A fowl play
Q: Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from? A: A poul-tree.
Q: Why shouldn’t you look at the turkey dressing? A: Because it will make him blush.
Q: How are a turkey, a donkey, and a monkey alike? A: They all have keys.
Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? A: The outside!
Q: What do turkeys like to do on sunny days? A: Have peck-nics!
Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs? A: Because if they dropped them, they would break.
Q: Why did the turkey refuse dessert? A: He was stuffed.
After Thanksgiving dinner, the adults gathered in the living room to exchange reminiscences, while the children went into the family room to play. Suddenly our hostess noticed that an elderly...
I worked on a toll road, answering the phone, collecting money and issuing toll tickets. One Thanksgiving Day, a woman called to ask about road conditions on the turnpike. After...
Our eldest daughter, Ann, invited her college roommate to join our large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, we got into a lively argument over a trivial subject...
The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. “You must have picked up a ton of groceries today,” a customer said to...
When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that the instrument “felt stuffy” and he couldn’t blow air through it. It’s not unusual...
When a Butterball Talk-Line staffer asked a caller what state her turkey was in (meaning how thawed was it) the caller responded with, “Florida.”
A woman in her seventies, cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the first time, called Butterball for help because her mother said she was tired of cooking and it was time her...
A proud gentleman called to tell the Butterball staff how he wrapped his turkey in a towel and stomped on it several times, breaking the bones so it would fit...
A gentleman called Butterball’s Thanksgiving Turkey Talk-Line to tell the operator he cut his turkey in half with a chain saw and wanted to know if the oil from the...
A disappointed woman called Butterball’s Thanksgiving Turkey Talk-Line wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. After a conversation with an operator, it became apparent that the woman’s turkey was...
One caller to Butterball’s Thanksgiving Turkey Talk-Line had always cut the legs off the turkey before putting it in the oven, thinking that was how you had to cook a...
"Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence."—Erma Bombeck
"Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out."—Nicole Hollander
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."—Jim Davis.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."—Erma Bombeck
"We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing."—George Carlin
"If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch you must first invent the universe."—Carl Sagan
“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”—Jon...