60 Funny Family Quotes That’ll Make You Chuckle

Share these quotes to finally prove you're the funny one in the family.

Funny quotes that perfectly sum up your brood

Ah, family. We laugh together, cry together, and poke fun at one another whenever we get the chance. Being part of a family has its hilarious moments—some of which can only be summed up through funny family quotes. Need a funny quote to share on social media or send in your family group chat? Look no further than this list of hilarious (and totally relatable) parents quotes, dad quotes, brother quotes, quotes about mothers, and other family members.

Wayne Huizenga Quoterd.com

General funny family quotes

1. “Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga

2. “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett

3. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns

4. “A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash

5. “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler

6. “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw

7. “Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say.”—Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

8. “I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen

9. “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin

10. “Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown

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Pj O'rourke Quoterd.com

Funny family quotes about kids

11. “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”—P.J. O’Rourke 

12. “You know what it’s like having five kids? Imagine you’re drowning. And someone hands you a baby.”—Jim Gaffigan 

13. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller 

14. “When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.”—Henry Fielding

15. “Children are a great comfort to us in our old age, and they help us reach it faster, too.”—John Ruskin

16. “Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown

17. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”—Jerry Seinfeld 

18. “When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.””—Unknown

19. “The reason I love kids so much is because they’re so honest, so you know right away if they like you or they don’t.”—Colin Egglesfield

20. “Having one kid makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.”—David Frost

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Lemony Snicket Quoterd.com

Funny family quotes about siblings

21. “Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

22. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope

23. “Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown

24. “What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner

25. “Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown

26. “What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen

27. “You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray

28. “Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher

29. “If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage

30. “It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown

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Betty White Quoterd.com

Funny family quotes about parents

31. “It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens

32. “When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck

33. “Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid

34. “My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan

35. “Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky

36. “It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown

37. “My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill

38. “It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White

39. “Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown

40. “Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt

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Prince William Quoterd.com

Funny family quotes about grandparents

41. “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson

42. “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres 

43. “To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault

44. “Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret

45. “As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William

46. “A baby boy has a way of making a man out of his father, and a little boy out of his grandfather.”—Angie Papadakis

47. “The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry

48. “Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown

49. “Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford

50. “A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse

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Henny Youngman Quoterd.com

Funny family quotes about spouses

51. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman

52. “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.”—Unknown

53. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”—Jim Carrey

54. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.”—Oscar Wilde

55. “My husband thinks I’m crazy, but he’s the one who married me.”—Unknown

56. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner

57. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers

58. “Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.”—Pawan Mishra

59. “Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.”—Clint Eastwood

60. “Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”–Janet Periat

Still need some laughs after browsing this list? Check out the funniest quotes of all time!

Kelly Kuehn
Kelly Kuehn is a former editor for Reader’s Digest who covered entertainment, trivia and history. When she’s not working you can find her watching the latest and greatest movies, listening to a true-crime podcast (or two), blasting ‘90s music and hiking with her dog, Ryker, throughout the Finger Lakes.