A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

55 Funny Christmas Quotes to Keep You Laughing Through the Holidays

Looking for Christmas-themed quips to cheer up even the grumpiest Scrooge? These funny Christmas quotes will crack anyone up.

Funny Christmas Quotes Ft
rd.com, Getty Images

Deliver the holiday humor with these funny Christmas quotes

The holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, but sometimes we still need to lighten the mood a bit and have some laughs. Thankfully, there are a variety of ways to bring the humor around Christmas—including sharing funny Christmas quotes. Sure, there are sentimental Christmas quotes to share as well, but funny quotes about the holidays can really bring people together over the humorous ups and downs of the season.

We’ve come up with a list of the best funny Christmas quotes to share around the holidays, from funny Christmas movie quotes to quotes about gathering with loved ones. Enjoy!

Get Reader’s Digest’s Read Up newsletter for holidays, humor, cleaning, travel, tech and fun facts all week long.

Funny Christmas Quotes 1
rd.com, Getty Images

Funny Christmas quotes about Santa

1. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was 6. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” —Shirley Temple

2. “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” —Bart Simpson

3. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” —Victor Borge

4. “You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” —Robert Paul

5. “There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” —Bob Phillips

6. “Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” —Gary Allan

7. “Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.” —W.C. Fields

8. “I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” —Earthman Adam

9. “Of course Santa is dead. You force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?” —Jimmy Kimmel

Our Christmas and Santa puns will make you laugh even more!

Les Dawson Funny Christmas Quotes
rd.com, Getty Images

Funny Christmas quotes about family and friends

10. “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” —Melanie White

11. “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” —Robert Godden

12. “Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.” —Charles M. Schulz

13. “My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” —Les Dawson

14. “A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.” Melanie White

15. “There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.” Milton Berle

16. “No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.” —Erma Bombeck

17. “More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.” —Linda Sunshine

18. “Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” —Melanie White

Funny Christmas Quotes 24
rd.com, Getty Images

Funny Christmas quotes about presents

19. “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and receipts for all major purchases.” —Bridger Winegar

20. “The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted.” —Olivia Williams

21. “Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.” —Douglas Coupland

22. “The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted.” —Olivia Williams

23. “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” —Andy Borowitz

24. “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” —Conan O’Brien

25. “Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.” —Larry Wilde

26. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying ‘Toys not included.’” —Bernard Manning

27. “Do give books—religious or otherwise—for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful and permanently personal.” —Lenore Hershey

28. “The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: ‘Some assembly required.’” —John Leo

29. “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” —Johnny Carson

30. “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” —Phyllis Diller 

Funny Christmas Quotes 8
rd.com, Getty Images

Celebratory funny Christmas quotes

31. “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” —Phyllis Diller

32. “Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men and make them do the washing up.” —Wendy Cope

33. “Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” —Dave Barry

34. “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” —Andy Borowitz

35. “One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” —Andy Rooney

36. “Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men and make them do the washing up.” —Wendy Cope

37. “Next to a circus, there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” —Kin Hubbard

38. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.” —Jerry Seinfeld

39. “There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.” —Kristen Wiig 

Funny Christmas Quotes 32
rd.com, Getty Images

Funny Christmas quotes about decorating

40. “I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.” —Maya Angelou

41. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” —Larry Wilde

42. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” Winston Spear 

43. “Thank you, stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” —Jimmy Fallon

44. “People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” —Unknown

45. “Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle.” —Unknown

46. “There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.” —Dan Florence

Funny Christmas Quotes 17 V2
rd.com, Getty Images

Funny Christmas quotes from books and movies

47. “We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.” —Elf

48. “‘Mistletoe,’ said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it. ‘Good thinking,’ said Luna seriously. ‘It’s often infested with nargles.’” —Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

49. “I planned out our whole day. First, we’ll make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Toll House cookie dough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle.” Elf

50. “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.” —Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

51. “Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas.” —National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

52. “You have such a pretty face. You should be on a Christmas card.” —Elf

53. “Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, in my underwear?” —The Santa Clause

54. “We’re your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.” —Elf

55. “You say you hate Washington’s birthday or Thanksgiving, and nobody cares, but you say you hate Christmas, and people treat you like you’re a leper.” —Gremlins

Do you love Christmas movies? If so, here are more Christmas movie quotes.

Kelly Kuehn
Kelly Kuehn is a former editor for Reader’s Digest who covered entertainment, trivia and history. When she’s not working you can find her watching the latest and greatest movies, listening to a true-crime podcast (or two), blasting ‘90s music and hiking with her dog, Ryker, throughout the Finger Lakes.