30 Funny Christmas Quotes That Will Have You Laughing Through the Holidays
These witty words will have you laughing all the way through the holiday season.
The holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, but sometimes, it may not feel that way. Thankfully, there are a variety of ways to lighten the mood this holiday season—including funny Christmas quotes. These are the funny ways people learned the truth about Santa Claus.
On the reason for the season
“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” —Bart Simpson. Nothing like some funny Christmas quotes to remind you what Christmas is really all about. Make sure you also remember some funny Thanksgiving quotes for next year.
“Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” —Dave Barry. These funny Christmas quotes are so relatable, it’s scary. This is the reason why Santa Claus wears red.
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying ‘toys not included.'” —Bernard Manning. The good news is, they can be used with practically any toy (sold separately, of course).
On office Christmas parties
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” —Phyllis Diller. Coworkers just wanna have fun. Here are some funny work cartoons to get you through the week.
On holiday food
“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” —Ellen DeGeneres. Oh Christmas cheese, oh Christmas cheese, how lovely are thy platters. Gathering around the dinner table is also the perfect way to make memories, talk about your favorite Christmas stories, and perhaps create your own.
On believing in Santa
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” —Shirley Temple. She should have taken that as a compliment! These are the secrets your mall Santa won’t tell you.
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” —Victor Borge. Stop by their house, eat some cookies and milk, give out presents, and leave on a magical sleigh. It’s a win-win for everyone. These are the top Christmas movies guaranteed to get you into the holiday spirit.
On the birth of Jesus
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” —Andy Borowitz. These funny Christmas jokes and Christmas quotes are making us see this holiday in a whole new way.
“Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.” —Richard Lewis. Their thoughts on menorahs are unclear. These are the things you never knew about Hanukkah.
On Christmas music
“I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.” —the best Christmas songs ever—ranked.We don’t want a lot for Christmas. There’s just one thing we need. These are
On holiday weight gain
“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” —Unknown. Well, when you put it that way… Read on to figure out how the calorie count in food is determined.
On gift giving
“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins, right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'” —funny Christmas jokes that will make your holiday merry.At least get a matching Christmas sweater. Don’t miss these
On the Christmas aftermath
“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” —Andy Rooney. If you loved these funny Christmas quotes, be sure to check out these funny Christmas cartoons for hilarious holidays.
On the spirit of Christmas
“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” —Melanie White. Their Christmas card says, “Bah humbug!” Make sure you don’t miss these funny Christmas cartoons.
On Church and state
”Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” —Samantha Bee. Did you know this Christmas song was actually written for Thanksgiving?
On a”bug” mistake
“I grew up on a Christmas Tree Farm so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees. The problem with that is if you leave them on there, people bring them into their house. I forgot to check one time and they hatched all over these people’s house—and there were hundreds of thousands of them!” —Taylor Swift. Let this funny Christmas quote be a cautionary tale. Here’s the best day to buy a Christmas tree—and what to look out for when selecting the perfect tree.
On the movie Elf
“I planned out our whole day. First, we’ll make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Toll House cookie dough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle.” —Elf. Who doesn’t love a good Christmas film the whole family can watch? Here are 15 of the best Christmas movies for kids.
On tea and relatives
“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” —Robert Godden. Do you think of royalty when you think of tea? Here’s what the royal family eats on Christmas Day, according to their personal chef.
On the size of Christmas trees
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” —Larry Wilde. Funny Christmas quotes come in a variety of shapes and forms. Why do we put up a Christmas tree, anyway?
On Santa’s age
“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” —Robert Paul. No matter how old Santa is, he won’t be visiting these homes because of home inspector nightmares.
A family of tree ornaments
“Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.”—Charles M. Schulz. Some funny Christmas quotes are truly heartwarming. Here are 10 truly heartwarming stories that will melt your heart.
Stages of Santa Claus
“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” —Bob Phillips. Here are 13 sweet vintage letters to Santa Claus from almost 100 years ago.
On year-round Christmas lights
“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” —Winston Spear. Love holiday lights? Here are the 35 best small towns for Christmas lights.
On receipts for major purchases
“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” —Bridger Winegar. Looking to go Christmas shopping? Make sure you know the worst day of the year to go Christmas shopping.
On giving thanks to Christmas stockings
“Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” —Jimmy Fallon. These funny Christmas quotes can certainly be relatable! Here’s the reason why we hang Christmas stockings in the first place.
On glitter addiction
“I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on particular addiction: glitter.” —Eloisa James. Here are 13 bizarre Christmas laws you never knew existed.
On being born for Christmas
“Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” — Stephen Jone. No matter where you are in the United States, Christmas is a short stop away. Here’s the best Christmas town in every U.S. state.
Old-fashioned family Christmas
“Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas.” —National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Looking for a warm place to visit this Christmas? Here are the 16 best destinations to visit for a warm Christmas.
On being spiritual
“It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.” —Craig Ferguson. There are a lot of funny Christmas quotes that are about a variety of topics, including spirituality. Here’s a bit of Christmas trivia you probably don’t know.
True spirit of Christmas
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” —Jerry Seinfeld. Next, check out these 24 stories about meeting Santa that will fill you with the Christmas spirit.