These funny Christmas quotes will cheer even the grumpiest Scrooge
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Best funny Christmas quotes
1. “Some enterprising youth should go from door to door on Christmas morning peddling batteries.” —Jean Kerr
2. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” —Buddy, Elf
3. “Well, they’ll bark you down like carneys, sell you Christmas cards in June.” —Tom Waits
4. “It was two weeks before Christmas. A slow time of year for raising the dead.” —Laurell K. Hamilton
5. “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, it would be Christmas every day.” —John Boehner
6. “The ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in.” —Erma Bombeck
7. “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” —Conan O’Brien
8. “Waiting for a special occasion to kill me? Christmas is coming.” —Cassandra Clare
9. “I hate, loathe and despise Christmas. It’s a time when single people have to take cover or get out of town.” —Kristin Hunter
10. “Ugster vinyl pumps, Partridge Family records, plastic daisy jewelry, old postcards … It’s a magpie Christmas market.” —Francesca Lia Block
11. “We’re your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.” —E.L.F.S. Leader, The Santa Clause
12. “What I don’t like about Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” —Phyllis Diller
13. “You have such a pretty face. You should be on a Christmas card.” —Buddy, Elf
14. “You say you hate Washington’s birthday or Thanksgiving, and nobody cares, but you say you hate Christmas, and people treat you like you’re a leper.” —Kate Beringer, Gremlins
15. “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?” —Clark Griswold, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
16. “We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.” —Buddy, Elf
17. “The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you’re going to hear about it!” —Frank Costanza, Seinfeld
18. “I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.” —Ellen Griswold, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
19. “I never eat December snowflakes. I always wait until January.” —Lucy, A Charlie Brown Christmas
20. “Now you listen to me, young lady. Even if we’re horribly mangled, there’ll be no sad faces on Christmas.” —The Grinch, How the Grinch Stole Christmas
21. “I’ve had a really lousy Christmas. You’ve just managed to kill my New Year’s. If you come back on Easter, you can burn down my apartment.” —Lucy, While You Were Sleeping
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Funny Christmas quotes about Santa
22. “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” —Bart Simpson
23. “How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter bunny?” —Santa Claus, Home Alone
24. “Earlier today, this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. Now it needs a Michael.” —Michael Scott, The Office
25. “You smell like beef and cheese. You don’t smell like Santa.” —Buddy, Elf
26. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was 6. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” —Shirley Temple
27. “So I’ve started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don’t need Santa seeing me in my underwear.” — Jeff Kinney
28. “I’ve always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep-seated childhood thing.” —Sue, Bad Santa
29. “SANTA! Oh my God! Santa, here?! I know him! I know him!” —Buddy, Elf
30. “Whenever you give someone a present or sing a holiday song, you’re helping Santa Claus. To me, that’s what Christmas is all about. Helping Santa Claus!” —Louis Sachar
31. “Christmas isn’t about Santa or Jesus. It’s about the workplace.” —Michael Scott, The Office
32. “Santa wants another $1.50 an hour, but apparently he’s not getting that either! See Cassie, deception is also a gift.” —Santa Skarr, Billy and Mandy Save Christmas
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Funny Christmas quotes about family and friends
33. “My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” —Les Dawson
34. “I saved enough for a modest house deposit by not eating avocados all year! Then I blew it on sending Christmas cards to non Millennial relatives, buying a single book of first class stamps.” —@NotRollergirl
35. “At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.” —Frank Costanza, Seinfeld
36. “It’s just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture.” —Buddy, Elf
37. “I’ve always wanted to save Christmas with a vampire sidekick ever since I was a little boy.” —Grim, Billy and Mandy Save Christmas
38. “Christmas is awesome. First of all, you got to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything.” —Michael Scott, The Office
39. “Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas.” —Clark Griswold, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
40. “‘Mistletoe,’ said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it. ‘Good thinking,’ said Luna seriously. ‘It’s often infested with nargles.’” —Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
41. “Christmas: the one time of year when you can’t avoid the nuts in your family muesli.” —Charles Stross
42. “Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” —Wendy Cope
43. “Millennials watch a non-Muppet adaptation of A Christmas Carol challenge” —@AnnaStonebrook
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Funny Christmas quotes about presents
44. “Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: There’s the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in.” —Marcelene Cox
45. “Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.” —P.J. O’Rourke
46. “I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this morning.” —George Grossmith
47. “Millennials don’t get enough credit for not killing Christmas cards.” —@MonoChz
48. “No matter how many Christmas presents you give your child, there’s always that terrible moment when he’s opened the very last one. That’s when he expects you to say, ‘Oh yes, I almost forgot,’ and take him out and show him the pony.” —Mignon McLaughlin
49. “The perfect Christmas gift for a sportscaster, as all fans of sports clichés know, is a scoreless tie.” —William Safire
50. “Hey, great idea: if you have kids, give your partner reading vouchers next Christmas. Each voucher entitles the bearer to two hours’ reading time *while the kids are awake*. It might look like a cheapskate present, but parents will appreciate that it costs more in real terms than a Lamborghini.” —Nick Hornby
51. “Feeling very millennial right now considering my Christmas list has three separate dogs I want to get gifts for.” —@flamingtortugas
52. “This Christmas I celebrate the 37-year anniversary of not getting the GI Joe aircraft carrier.” —@simoncholland
53. “Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas.” —Dwight Schrute, The Office
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Celebratory funny Christmas quotes
54. “Christmas, that annual celebration of parental guilt and juvenile greed.” —P.D. James
55. “It’s Meatloaf Night at the café, and if anything is screaming Christmas to me right now, it’s meatloaf.” —Johnny Rose, Schitt’s Creek
56. “What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer.” —Dwight Schrute, The Office
57. “I can’t get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Krazy Glue, but it didn’t work.” —Mouse Wrangler, Scrooged
58. “You’re a reindeer. Here’s your motivation: Your name is Rudolph, you’re a freak with a red nose, and no one likes you. Then, one day, Santa picks you and you save Christmas.” —The Grinch, How the Grinch Stole Christmas
59. “This place reminds me of Santa’s workshop. Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.” —Buddy, Elf
60. “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! And, when I wake up, I’m gettin’ a CAT scan!” —Scott Calvin, The Santa Clause
61. “Son of a NUTCRACKER!” —Buddy, Elf
62. “I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candy Pams. And perhaps some Pam chops with mint.” —Michael Scott, The Office
63. “I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn’t.” —Kevin Malone, The Office
64. “Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party’s so lame.” —Michael Scott, The Office
65. “It will be a very traditional Christmas, with presents, crackers, doors slamming and people bursting into tears.” —Victoria Wood
66. “First, we’ll make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Toll House cookie dough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle.” —Buddy, Elf
67. “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.” —Gangster on TV, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
68. “Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, in my underwear?” —Scott Calvin, The Santa Clause
69. “I like to claim I’m not a millennial, but last night my wife and I looked into renting a Christmas tree.” —@hortichris
70. “I’m getting presents in the New World Order! Mrs. Claus said so!” —Billy, Billy and Mandy Save Christmas
In the mood for more funny Christmas quotes? Check out these hilarious Christmas movies to get into the holiday spirit.
Why trust us
At Reader’s Digest, we’ve been sharing our favorite quotes for over 100 years. The sayings and quips that appear in the magazine’s “Quotable Quotes” (formerly “Remarkable Remarks”) are curated from interviews and essays originally published in the magazine, reprints from trusted titles and other verified sources. For this piece on funny Christmas quotes, Associate Editor Mariah Thomas tapped her 5+ years of experience as an editor and writer to ensure that all information is accurate. We’ve gone the extra step and had Marcy Lovitch, a fact-checker with 20-plus years of experience researching for national publications including Marie Claire, Good Housekeeping, Family Circle, Glamour, Seventeen, Real Simple, Forbes and InStyle magazines, verify that all quotes are attributed correctly and have credible sourcing. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
