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40 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be True

Wise words and wisecracks that capture what it's like to tie the knot.

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Love is a funny thing. Finding that special someone to share the rest of your life with is one of the best gifts we could ever ask for, but life is long and sometimes you just need to laugh at yourselves. In-between the romance, the long nights, monotonous days, and bickering over who last did the laundry, there are truly some hilarious moments during a marriage that can be perfectly described with a funny marriage quote. You can probably dig up some funny wedding photos from that special day and maybe have seen a few marriage memes here or there, but these noteworthy people have truly captured the humorous essence of being married. If romance is more your speed, try these marriage quotes that will remind you why you fell in love in the first place.

“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae Westrd.com, Getty Images

Where did all the love go?!

“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West

For more laughs with your spouse, check out these marriage jokes that will have you doubled over.

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nashrd.com, Getty Images

You’re never right

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash

“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmotrd.com, Getty Images

It takes a village

“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot

Speaking of raising kids, check out these relatable funny parenting tweets.

"I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored."—Cameron Espositord.com, Getty Images

I know they’re around here somewhere…

“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito

If these funny marriage quotes are making you laugh, try reading the 121 funniest quotes of all time.

“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parkerrd.com, Getty Images

Ham every which way

“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker

Read through these hilariously accurate relationship tweets for more laughs.

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marxrd.com, Getty Images

I’m sorry, where do I have to live?

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburnrd.com, Getty Images

Being neighbors is cool, too

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn

Crank up the romance with these romantic love quotes that may give these funny marriage quotes a run for their money.

“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christierd.com, Getty Images

Marriage is forever

“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”—Socratesrd.com, Getty Images

A case study in marriage

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”—Socrates

“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obamard.com, Getty Images

Excuse me, this is my space

“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama

After you crack a few jokes about these funny marriage quotes, see the most romantic ideas to say “I love you” without actually saying it.

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklinrd.com, Getty Images

Just take a nap

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin

“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”—Will Ferrellrd.com, Getty Images

Can you handle slow or—gasp!—no Wi-Fi?

“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”—Will Ferrell

“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nashrd.com, Getty Images

Always forgetful

“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash

Compliment your spouse with these creative and funny compliments that will certainly make them smiles.

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothersrd.com, Getty Images

Chores are pretty important, too

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers

“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbardrd.com, Getty Images

How many mistakes can you make?

“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymousrd.com, Getty Images

And dry them, too

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous

Plan a quiet night in and pick out one of these romantic movies that everyone will love.

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudnerrd.com, Getty Images

So annoying, it’s endearing

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner

“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reillyrd.com, Getty Images

Rewind that, please

“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly

“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantorrd.com, Getty Images

This is my side of the bed

“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor

"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun."—Stephanie Ortizrd.com, Getty Images

Thermostat ghosts

“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz

“A man's main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month."—Dax Shepardrd.com, Getty Images

Always need someone to talk us out of this decision

“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.”—Dax Shepard

“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bellrd.com, Getty Images

In sickness and in health

“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell

“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called '50 Shades of Just O.K.'”—Conan O'Brienrd.com, Getty Images

A sub-par partnership

“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien

"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."―Helen Rowlandrd.com, Getty Images

All that pent up energy

“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland

Don’t miss these relationship questions marriage counselors get asked the most.

"My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce."—Dr. Joyce Brothersrd.com, Getty Images

Till death do us part

“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers

"Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?"—Dennis Millerrd.com, Getty Images

So true

“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller

"Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?"—Janet Periatrd.com, Getty Images

The laundry fairy

“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat

“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymousrd.com, Getty Images

Pictures or it didn’t happen

“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous

These corny love jokes will make your partner feel extra special—and make them laugh.

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnkerd.com, Getty Images

A daily dose of love

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlinrd.com, Getty Images

Can chocolate be the answer?

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarkerd.com, Getty Images

Oh, please

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke

“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judgerd.com, Getty Images

There’s a difference

“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge

Don’t miss these surprising marriage laws you might be breaking with your spouse right now. 

“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periatrd.com, Getty Images

This is important

“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shawrd.com, Getty Images

There’s a draft

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.”—Richard Pryorrd.com, Getty Images

Oh no, not lawyers!

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor

See how this lovesick teenager finally gets the girl—40 years later!

“I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebmanrd.com, Getty Images

Dreaming of a new Vitamix

“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman

“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooneyrd.com, Getty Images

I have errands to run

“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney

If you already have the giggles from these funny marriage quotes, turn to these funny love quotes to keep the laughs going. 

“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elderrd.com, Getty Images

But always partners in crime

“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewisrd.com, Getty Images

Short and sweet

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis

“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown   rd.com, Getty Images

A true monster

“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown   

Now that you’ve laughed your way through these marriage quotes, check out our collection of funny quotes that will have everyone laughing.

Reader's Digest
Originally Published in Reader's Digest