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25 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be True

Wise words and wisecracks that capture what it's like to tie the knot.

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

Where did all the love go?!

“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” —Mae West

Just try not to be too sarcastic—or else you’ll need these 8 tips to avoid marriage counseling sooner rather than later.

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

You’re never right

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash

The wife—er, the customer—is always right. Isn’t that how the saying goes?

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

It takes a village

“Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot

As these funny marriage quotes will tell you, raising kids can be tough on any marriage. You’ll probably want to know what these couples wish they’d known before having children.

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

Ham every which way

“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker

Life (and marriage!) is so long. Take it from these couples who have been married 50+ years and are doling out advice (with a side of funny marriage quotes).

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

I’m sorry, where do I have to live?

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” —Groucho Marx

Yikes! This doesn’t sound like an appealing way to live at all. It may be best to check out these 8 marriage myths you can safely ignore.

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

Being neighbors is cool, too

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn

We have to say, we don’t hate the idea of this living arrangement.

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

You never know what you’re totally in for!

“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.”—Stephen Leacock

If you believe these funny marriage quotes, you might want to take in these pieces of marriage advice that every couple should read.

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

Marriage is forever

“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie

Who can argue with this logic?

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

A case study in marriage

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”—Socrates

You might want to check out these pieces of marriage advice from divorced people if you feel like this funny marriage quote applies to you.

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

Sorry, but your hopes are too high

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”—Albert Einstein

In other words, maybe take a look at these 7 expert-backed tips to get the love you want.

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

Why fight over the bathroom sink?

“For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.”—Catherine Zeta-Jones

Yep, we have to agree—life’s just easier when you’re not battling your spouse for use of the bathroom mirror.

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

Just take a nap

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin

Or just go to sleep all together—who’s really paying attention?

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

Can you handle slow or—gasp!—no Wi-Fi?

“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”—Will Ferrell

Do you really know another person until you’ve seen them get through an Internet outage? We think not.

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

Maybe don’t get married at all

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”—Rodney Dangerfield

Oof, don’t ruin a good thing by adding marriage to it!

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

It’s all downhill from here

“All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.”—Amy Schumer

ogden nash marriage

Always forgetful

“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash

Ah, the age-old runaround. These funny marriage quotes have nothing on this 1950s marriage advice that still applies today.

joyce brothers marriage

Chores are pretty important, too

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers

And take those trash cans to the curb, too.

elbert hubbard marriage

How many mistakes can you make?

“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard


yoko ono marriage

The itch is unavoidable

“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”—Yoko Ono

Is it getting a little itchy in this relationship, or is it us?

anonymous marriage

And dry them, too

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous

And better yet, throw in some laundry and vacuuming while you’re at it. These funny marriage quotes highlight just some of the things that can change after you get married.

rita rudner marriage

So annoying, it’s endearing

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner

Come on, annoying you is the highlight of this marriage!

george burns marriage

Love hurts

“Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, But you know it’s there.” —George Burns


henry yougman marriage

The shopping risk is pretty high

“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops”—Henry Yougman

Like shopping is a bad thing? Take these funny marriage quotes with a grain of salt, then make sure you know these wise marriage tips from grandmas that you’d be a fool not to follow.

tim allen marriage

What car?

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” —Tim Allen

But don’t be surprised if attention turns back to the car fairly soon.

rick reilly marriage

Rewind that, please

“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly

Oh man! If you thought these funny marriage quotes were hilarious, you’ll laugh out loud at these 30 love and marriage cartoons that are hysterically accurate.
Originally Published in Reader's Digest