110 Lawyer Jokes That Any Jury Would Agree Are Hilarious
Updated: May 09, 2024
It would please the court if you told our judge, legal system and lawyer jokes over and over
Lawyers and judges might object to being the subjects of so many jokes, but Reader’s Digest overrules them. The American legal system is so complicated, you have to laugh. We don’t recommend using the following lawyer jokes or legal puns as your defense, but courtroom comedy is fair game for anyone who’s not on trial. After all, humor gets people through tough, confusing times—including those likely to feature lawyers—so it’s always smart to carry a few of the best jokes in your back pocket.
Oh, and if you are a lawyer? Please don’t bill us for time spent laughing.
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Funniest lawyer jokes
- How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only one. The rest are true stories.
- Who invented copper wire?
Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.
- Who is the smiling, courteous person at a Bar Association convention?
The caterer.
- What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
Your Honor.
- What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
- Why did God invent lawyers?
So that used car salesmen would have someone to look down on.
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.
- What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances?
Retired.
- How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
- Why are lawyers always so charming?
Because they have their own appeal.
- What does a lawyer use when she has her period?
A legal pad.
- Did you hear about the lawyer who sued the funeral company over the coffin?
It was an open-and-shut case.
- Why did the judge give the penguin bail?
He wasn’t a flight risk.
- What happened when the man sued his hotel for losing his luggage?
Unfortunately, he lost his case.
Looking for more laughs? These dad jokes will crack you up, and that’s the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Lawyer jokes (that we hope don’t count as defamation)
- What’s the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Vultures don’t earn frequent-flyer miles.
- Why did the law student fail to win her case?
She had no conviction.
- How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a photo?
Say “fees!”
- What’s the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Vultures don’t take their wingtips off at night.
- Why is To Kill a Mockingbird considered a work of fiction?
It features a lawyer with morals.
- Why do vampires refuse to take money for sucking the life out of someone?
To differentiate themselves from lawyers.
- What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed?
A jury.
- Why are dog lawyers always so poor?
They only work pro-bone-o.
- Why did the English language demand a harsher sentence from the judge?
It was a glutton for pun-ishment.
- What’s the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Vultures never tell jokes about how horrible they are.
- What’s the most popular TV show about the criminal justice system in Middle Earth?
Law & Mordor.
- Did you know Johnny Cash once wrote a song about his lawyer?
It was called a “Boy Named Sued.”
- What do you call a lawyer who needs four attempts to pass the bar?
Attorney at last.
- Who was happiest to get that free U2 album on their iPhones?
All the lawyers who work pro Bono.
- What did the judge exclaim after the defendant passed gas in the courtroom?
“Odor! Odor in the court!”
- What did the judge say to his dentist?
“Pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.”
Our lawyers would like to inform you that there are also lots of funny doctor jokes. You know, if you feel like picking on a different profession.
Criminally funny lawyer one-liners
- Lawyer’s creed: A person is innocent until proven broke.
- There’s a new toy doll coming out this Christmas: Divorce Barbie. She comes with a lawyer and all of Ken’s stuff.
- Arguing with lawyers is like wrestling with pigs in mud. Before long, you discover they love it.
- The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.
- If a lawyer is talking in the forest and there is no one around to hear him, can he still bill for it?
- Justice is blind, so please don’t pet its dog.
- I considered becoming a lawyer, but it turns out my parents were married before I was born.
- A person who represents himself has a fool for a client but also more money in the bank.
- If you can make a great argument as to why you shouldn’t be a lawyer, you should be a lawyer.
- When attorneys get married, they don’t say, “I do”—they say, “I accept the terms and conditions.”
- What do you call a thousand lawyers chained at the bottom of the ocean? Grounds for a class-action lawsuit.
- A good juror takes their time—like the worst person to stand behind in a deli line.
Want more jokes shorter than the shortest legal brief? Here’s a collection of great one-liners.
One-liners even lawyers will laugh at
- Lawyers: We can’t live without them, according to the binding contract they told us to sign.
- Judge lawyers not by the number of cases they’ve won but by the number of judges they play golf with.
- Cemeteries bury lawyers 10 feet under instead of 6 because deep down, they’re good people.
- I used to be a lawyer, but it lost its appeal.
- God once considered suing Satan for ripping off the concept of heaven with hell but dropped it when he remembered where all the lawyers were.
- The problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
- My wife accused me of being a terrible lawyer. I couldn’t defend myself.
- The difference between an accountant and a lawyer is that accountants know they’re boring.
- The legal definition of a jury is 12 people who determine which client has the better attorney.
- Abraham Lincoln never needed a lawyer because he was in a cent.
- The sun was relieved when its lawyer told it that it’d only been charged with a light sentence.
- Eight vowels, 11 consonants, a comma and an exclamation mark appeared in court today. They are due to be sentenced next week.
- The lawyer was having difficulty reading the small print on some legal docs, so his doctor prescribed contract lenses.
There’s more laughter where that came from! These work-from-home jokes make the nine-to-five fly by.
Legal conversations (you will be billed)
- Lawyer: “I have some good news and some bad news.”
Client: “What’s the bad news?”
Lawyer: “Your bloodis all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
Client: “What’s the good news?”
Lawyer: “Your cholesterol is 130.”
- Judge: “Do you want a bench trial or a jury trial?”
Defendant: “Jury trial.”
Judge: “Do you understand the difference?”
Defendant: “Sure. That’s where 12 ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”
- Client: “How much are your rates?”
Lawyer: “$250 for three questions.”
Client: “Isn’t that awfully steep?”
Lawyer: “Yes. And what was your third question?”
- Judge: “Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?”
Witness: “Yes. I would go to hell.”
Judge: “Is that all?”
Witness: “Isn’t that enough?”
- Lawyer: “Isn’t it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?”
Defendant: “Yes, but you can’t prove it!”
- Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.”
Defendant: “Wait! When will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”
- Lawyer: “What do you want first: the bad news or the terrible news?”
Client: “Give me the bad news first.”
Lawyer: “Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”
Client: “That’s the bad news? I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
Lawyer: “The terrible news is that it’s of you and your assistant.”
- Lawyer: “Sorry, but I think the jury is going to convict you.”
Client: “Can you be more positive?”
Lawyer: “OK. That very attractive jury is going to convict you.”
Want more wisecracks about easy-to-tease work? Check out these accounting jokes.
Lawyer at your door
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Bill.
Bill who?
Bill you because I’m a lawyer, and we’re talking.
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sue.
Sue who?
Whoever you want! I’m your lawyer.
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Judge.
Judge who?
Well, usually I judge the defendant.
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting lawyer.
Interrupting lawyer wh—
OBJECTION!
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I can’t answer that question without my lawyer present.
If you laughed at these, you are now sentenced to more knock-knock jokes.
Lawyer puns
- Justice I suspected!
- See you later, litigator.
- Don’t judge me.
- Long time, no sue!
- You’re so appealing.
- I’m a lost case.
- Don’t hate, litigate.
- Happy to help sue.
If you’ve made it this far, you deserve a generous pour of wine puns.
Funny lawyer stories
The fine print
An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she says. “Would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.”
The investment banker nods. “Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
Peterson says, “Dad sued me for the money.”
Billed for time
A lawyer’s email to her client: “Dear Jennifer, I thought I saw you on the street the other day. I crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you. One-tenth of an hour: $30.”
An offer you can’t refuse
A lawyer is sitting in his office late one night when Satan appears before him.
The devil says, “I have a proposition for you: You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls and the souls of your parents, grandparents, parents-in-law, friends and law partners.”
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So what’s the catch?”
Irreconcilable differences
After suffering through years of his spouse’s awful coffee, the man spits it out and takes the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the lawyer’s desk, the man snarls, “Here they are!”
The startled lawyer asks, “Here are what?”
The man answers, “Grounds for divorce.”
Criminally good
“Your Honor,” begins the defense attorney, “my client has been characterized as an incorrigible bank robber without a single socially redeeming feature. I intend to disprove that.”
The judge inquires, “And how will you accomplish this?”
The lawyer replies, “By proving—beyond a shadow of a doubt!—that the note my client handed the teller was on recycled paper.”
First is the worst
A physician, an engineer and a lawyer are discussing their professions, trying to determine which has been around the longest. The doctor says, “In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs. That would’ve required the first surgery. So doctors were here first.”
“Nope!” the engineer says. “It also said that before Adam and Eve, God created the heavens and the earth. That required a ton of plans and engineering work, so engineers were here first.”
The lawyer laughs. “Sorry, guys. Lawyers were here long before all that. If you read a little closer, you’ll see that it says ‘in the beginning, there was chaos.'”
The doctor and engineer share a confused look. “So?”
“And,” the lawyer says, “who do you think created chaos?”
Keep the laughter going! You don’t have to be in high school to appreciate these sidesplitting teen jokes.
Lawyer jokes that’ll win you fans
Love, your new lawyer
A woman walks into a post office one day to see a man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying perfume all over them. Curiosity getting the better of her, the woman goes up to the man and asks what he’s doing.
The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed ‘XO, Me.'”
The woman asks, “But why?”
He shrugs. “I’m a divorce lawyer.”
Hold the liquor
A lawyer walks into a bar after a long day at trial. The waiter asks, “What can I get you?”
The lawyer replies, “Just ice.”
Heaven help me
A lawyer dies and goes to the pearly gates of heaven. When he gets there, he’s outraged and says, “But I’m only 50! That’s too young to die!”
St. Peter checks his book, then replies, “Really? Because when we add up all of your billing records, you have to be at least 83.”
Friendly advice
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends always asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, “Just do what I do and leave a bill in their mailbox.”
The doctor decides he’ll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. But when the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox.
Anything for a buck
At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab, we have switched from experimenting on mice to experimenting on lawyers?”
“Really?” the other replies. “Why did you switch?”
The researcher says, “Three reasons. First, lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them. And third, there are some things even a rat won’t do.”
Unending income
The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school, graduated with honors and then joined his father’s firm. At the end of his first day at work, he rushes into his dad’s office and says, “Father, Father! In one day, I broke the Smith case that you’ve been working on for so long!”
His father immediately freaks out and yells, “You idiot! We’ve been living on the funding of that case for 10 years!”
Loved those? The judge sentences you to read these hilarious dentist jokes.
Funny attorney jokes
Harsh consequences
A brand-new attorney opens a practice and hires a likewise inexperienced administrative assistant. Things seem to be going fine until they get a call from an outraged client. The client is a landlord who hired the attorney to issue a reminder to a tenant to pay her rent or suffer eviction. The attorney is confused, saying that is exactly what he did.
The client responds, “Then you need to proofread your assistant’s transcriptions because what you gave to my tenant reads, ‘You are hereby notified that if payment is not received within five business days, I will have no choice but to commence execution proceedings.'”
White lie
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, is very anxious to impress potential clients. When he sees the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picks up his phone and speaks into it. “I’m sorry,” he says, “but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I’ll have to get back to you.”
He then turns to the man who just walked in and says, “Now, what can I do for you?”
“Nothing,” replies the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”
Smoked the competition
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, fears she’s losing the case and asks her senior partner if she should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner is horrified, telling her, “That judge is an honorable man! If you do that, I guarantee you will lose the case!”
A week later, the judge rules in the young lawyer’s favor. Afterward, the senior partner asks her, “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?”
The younger lawyer replies, “Oh, I did send them. I just enclosed my opponent’s business card with them.”
Call me
An airliner is having engine trouble, and the pilot instructs the cabin crew to have all passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. Minutes later, the pilot asks the flight attendants if everyone is buckled in. “All set back here, Captain,” comes the reply. “Except for one lawyer who is still passing out business cards.”
Hellish profession
A man is sent to Hell for his sins. As a demon jailer takes him to his place of eternal torment, they pass a room where a lawyer is enjoying a deeply romantic date with a beautiful woman. “What a rip-off!” the man mutters. “I get to roast for all eternity, while that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman?”
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the demon jailer snarls, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
A sad sight
Three sad people sit at a bar. The first person sighs and says, “I have the worst job. I’m a judge, and today, I had to sentence someone to death.”
The second person scoffs and says, “No, I have the worst job. I’m a warden, and tomorrow, I have to oversee that execution.”
The third person shakes their head and goes, “No, I have the worst job. I’m a defense attorney.” The judge and warden are skeptical. After all, it’s the defense attorney’s fault the man was being executed. The lawyer continues, saying, “Do you know how hard it is to collect payment from a grieving widow?”
You are now sentenced to reading the best dark jokes for people with twisted senses of humor.
Funny stories about lawbreakers
Slip of the tongue
Despite being arrested on a robbery charge, a lawyer’s client continually denies the allegations. So when the victim points him out in a lineup as one of four men who attacked her, the client yells, “She’s lying! There were only three of us.”
An eyewitness
While prosecuting a robbery case, a lawyer interviews the arresting officer. Her first question: “Did you see the defendant at the scene?”
“Yes, from a block away,” the officer answers.
“Was the area well lit?”
The cop thinks for a moment. “No. It was pretty dark.”
“Then how could you identify the defendant?” she asks with a smirk.
Looking at the lawyer as if she’s nuts, the cop answers, “I’d recognize my cousin anywhere.”
Sticky fingers
A pickpocket is in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge says, “Mr. Banks, you are hereby fined $100.”
The pickpocket’s lawyer stands up and says, “Your Honor, my client has only $75 on him at this time, so if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd…”
The gift of good counsel
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
“You are the lawyer,” says the policeman.
“Exactly,” replies the lawyer. “So where’s my present?”
Looking good
A defendant stands up and says, “I don’t recognize this court.”
The judge, offended, sternly asks, “And why not?”
The defendant replies, “You had it decorated since the last time I was here.”
Heads up, defendants: Instead of dissing the judge, try flattery. Luckily, we have plenty of funny compliments to pick from.
Humor in the court
Act like your client is innocent
A potential juror in an assault-and-battery case sat in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked questions like, “Have you ever been mugged?” and “Did you know the victim or the defendant?”
The defense attorney took a different approach. “I see you are a teacher,” he said. “What do you teach?”
“English and theater,” she responded.
“Then I guess I better watch my grammar,” the defense attorney quipped.
“No,” she shot back. “You better watch your acting.”
A not-so-friendly face
A judge is sentencing criminal defendants when she sees a vaguely familiar face. She reviews his record and sees that the man is a career criminal, minus a five-year period in which there were no convictions. “Milton,” she says, puzzled, “how is it that you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”
“I was in prison,” he answers. “You should know that. You were the one who sent me there.”
“That’s not possible,” she says. “I wasn’t even a judge then.”
“No, you weren’t the judge,” he counters. “You were my lawyer.”
It’s a group effort
Every day, a deputy sheriff explains the court procedures to visitors. One day, he’s showing a group of ninth graders around. The court is in recess, so only the clerk and a handcuffed prisoner in custody are in the courtroom. “This is where the judge sits,” the deputy sheriff begins, pointing to the bench. “The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand, and over there is where the jury sits. As you can see, there are a lot of people involved in making this system work.”
At that point, the prisoner raises his cuffed hands and says, “Yeah, but I’m the one who makes it all happen.”
Jury duty
An 88-year-old woman is called for jury duty and submits to questioning by the opposing lawyers. “Have you ever dealt with an attorney?” asks the plaintiff’s lawyer.
“Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust,” she responds.
“And how did that turn out?” the lawyer asks.
“I don’t know,” she says. “Ask me when I’m dead.”
Innocent if not proven guilty
After wrapping up a case, a lawyer says to her client, “Now that you have been acquitted, tell me the truth: Did you steal the car?”
The client thinks for a second, then says, “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
Nothing but the truth
Mr. Dewey is briefing his client, who’s about to testify in his own defense. “You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?” The client replies that he does. The lawyer then asks, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?”
The client says, “Sure. I imagine that our side will win.”
Endangered and on the menu
A man is on trial for catching and killing an endangered fish. His lawyer argues, however, that he took this animal’s life only so that he might feed his poor, starving family. This really tugs at the judge’s heartstrings, so he lets the man go with a warning. As the man is leaving the courtroom, the judge asks, “What did the fish taste like?”
The man shrugs, “A cross between bald eagle and rhino.”
Money matters
A defendant accused of armed robbery is found not guilty. He cheers in celebration, but then asks the judge, “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”
Grim sentence
My grandfather knew the exact day and time of his death. A judge told him.
If your day in court has left you thirsty, have a round of bar jokes on us.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the past 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. For this story on the funniest lawyer jokes, Brendan Hay tapped his experience as a comedy writer for DC Comics and TV shows including The Daily Show, The Simpsons and Robot Chicken. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Originally Published: May 09, 2024
