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15 Witty Bar Jokes Anyone Can Remember

Turn the next five minutes into Happy Hour with these short, sweet bar jokes for any occasion. [Warning: Please joke responsibly.]

Arthur Rothstein / Library of Congress

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense. Check out our entire collection of bar jokes here.

Russell Lee / Library of Congress

The NSA Walks into a bar.

“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!” the barman says.

The NSA smiles. “Heard it.”

Tired of peanuts and pretzels? These food jokes will satisfy your appetite.

Jack Delano / Library of Congress

Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

“Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!” Here are 50 short jokes anyone can remember.

Russell Lee / Library of Congress

An amnesiac walks into a bar.

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

Sheldon Dick / Library of Congress

A neutron walks into a bar.

“How much for a beer?” the neutron asks.

“For you?” says the bartender. “No charge.” Don’t miss these funny science jokes.

Jack Delano / Library of Congress

Jimmy Wales* walks into a bar.

[citation needed]

*co-founder of Wikipedia

Library of Congress

Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”

His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!” Check out the funniest jokes about each U.S. state.

Fred Palumbo / Library of Congress

A screwdriver rolls into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip??” Don’t miss the best dad jokes for even more laughs.

Marjory Collins / Library of Congress

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

Russell Lee / Library of Congress

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.

The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. “Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?”

“France,” the kitty says, “they’ve got millions of them!” These 25 clever jokes will make you sound smart.

Marjory Collins / Library of Congress

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”

The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”

The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”

Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

Library of Congress

A panda walks into a bar.

He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”

Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.” These are the grammar jokes that every word nerd will appreciate.

Library of Congress

This cowboy walks into a bar.

His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.

Russell Lee

A man runs into a bar.

Panting, he tells the barkeep, “Give me ten shots of your best whiskey—quick!” So the barkeep sets them up and the man knocks them all back in seconds.

“Why you drinking so fast?” asks the barkeep.

“You’d drink fast too, if you had what I have,” says the man.

“Why, what do you have?” asks the barkeep.

“Only twelve cents.”

Nick Parrino / Library of Congress

A panda, a cowboy, a man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time-traveler walk into a bar.

“What is this,” the bartender yells, “some kind of joke??” Check out these corny jokes everyone will appreciate.

Reader's Digest
Originally Published in Reader's Digest

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