Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each. —Submitted by Alex Del Bene
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No One Thinks You’re Funny
What I remember most about my dad’s jokes is my mother’s reaction. While everyone else was howling at one of his punch lines, my mom would always respond, “Bernard, no...
Legs on the Table
My dad used to sing little ditties. This was my favorite: There was a young lady named Mabel. She danced on the dining room table. Her face grew red, When...
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It Left Its Tracks
Here’s my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. And each time, I’d...
Screw My Cap On
If it was a blustery day, you could be sure to hear my dad remark, “It was so windy today, I had to wrinkle my forehead and screw my cap...
Cheer For the Other Team
My dad was not a jokester, but his fun side did come out once in a while. When I was 12, he took me to a Chicago White Sox game...
The Same Jokes
My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his...
Easter Bunny
If my father was in a doctor’s waiting room and saw another old-timer looking dejected, he’d shuffle up and tell him, “A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist...
Turning the Lights Green
My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. “What’s this for?” I asked. “It’s to turn red...
Carrying Grain
When I was in high school in the ’70s, Dad said he’d just heard my favorite group on the radio, Carrying Grain. The band was Hall & Oates, and this...
Or What?
My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime. My dad would wait till she had put it on her nightstand and say,...
Counted Their Legs
As my sister and I were counting the cows in a pasture, Dad glanced over at the herd and said, “There are 127.” “How’d you know?” we asked. He replied,...
These Will Fit!
When my Dad got out of the Army, a friend gave him a job as a “diesel fitter” at his ladies’ undergarments factory. On Dad’s first day, the friend took...
Oh No, Peanut Butter
My Dad’s favorite joke is indelible: Joe is a new man on a construction crew. The first day on the job, he opens his lunch box and mumbles, “Oh no,...
The Phone is For You
One night, the phone rang, and Dad answered it. On the other end was an obscene phone caller. Dad listened for a few seconds before telling my mother, “It’s for...
Are You Dunn?
I grew up hearing my dad tell a joke about a Mrs. Dunn, whose son, Timmy Dunn, had left Ireland for America, never to be heard from again. She discovered...
Seedless Watermelon
Every year—every single year!— when we’re getting the garden ready, I can be sure Dad will say, “I’d like to grow seedless watermelon, but I can’t find the seeds!” —Christopher...
Pup Out of Gas
When I was 12, my father told me a terrible story that had happened at the gas station that day. “I was pumping gas when I noticed this small dog...
Virus or Something Else
WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly...
The Worst Thesaurus
Ed: I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Fred: How bad is it? Ed: Not only is it awful, it’s awful.
Behind at Work
A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work!
Measure Millennials
Q: How do you weigh a millennial?
A: In Instagrams.
Which is Lighter
Q: What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A: The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Lazy Shoes
Q: What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?
A: Loafers.
Didn’t See You, Officer
A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, “You’re speeding! Didn’t you see the speed limit sign?” The man replied, “Yeah I saw the speed limit sign,...
New Noses
The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?” “They have a place...
No Inspiration
Q: What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration? A: She draws a blank.
Close, But No Cigar
I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.
No Laughs in the Future
I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
Run the Reds
An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!” “Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the...
American in the Kitchen
Q: If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
A: European!
State Convos
"What did Mississippi let Delaware?" "I don't know, but Alaska!
Invisible Bike
The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric...
What’s the Buzz
“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.” “Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”
Forgetful Dad
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Award-winning
Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award? A. Because he was outstanding in his field.
Cheesy
Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? A. There was nothing left but de Brie.
I do
Q. Our wedding was so beautiful ... A. Even the cake was in tiers.
Fall meets winter
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A. Frostbite
Lunch food
Q. I hate jokes about German sausages. A. They're the wurst.
Shoe time
Q. Dad, can you put my shoes on? A. I don't think they'll fit me.
Swimming
Q. Is this pool safe for diving? A. It deep ends.
Changing of the seasons
Q. Can February March? A. No, but April May
Ahoy!
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.
History lessons
Q. I'm reading a book on the history of glue. A. I just can't seem to put it down.
Behind bars
Q. If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called? A. CELLphies
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Ocean Waving
Q. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? A. Nothing, it just waved.
Cat Flames
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Smart Shovel
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Don’t Buy Velcro
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
Grapes Make Wine
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
Sleepy Bicycle
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
Not Your Cheese
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
Construction Work Ahead
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
Useless Elephant
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant
Call me Dad
I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
Lonely Skeletons
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
Scarecrow Award
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Misfit Shoes
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad Haircut
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
Igloo House
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
Coffee Crime
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
Beaver Dam
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Paper Cut
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
Apple Tree
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Imposter Food
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
Moon Dining
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Cheese fire
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
Seeing Purple
I've just been diagnosed as color blind. I know, it really came out of the purple.
Restaurant review
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Just the wurst
I hate jokes about German sausage. They're the wurst.
I quit!
Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.
So Sleepy
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was too tired.