Dad Jokes

Q. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? A. Nothing, it just waved.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.

Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant

I’ll call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind. I know, it really came out of the purple.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

I hate jokes about German sausage. They’re the wurst.

Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was too tired.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

“I’ll call you later.” “Don’t call me later, call me dad.”

I advertised the following item on our local radio program: For sale: Small push-type lawn mower. Brand-new, $40. One person called and asked if the lawn mower was a single or double cylinder. I told him, “It depends on how fast you walk!”

Natives of Baltimore, Maryland, my wife and I decided to move to the country in southwest 
Virginia for a change of pace. After we made the move, we started to notice little things about our neighbors. One we could not get over was how they gave directions. When we asked, everyone said to go down […]

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is? Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are. Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it. Me: What is […]

My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat 
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!” The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.” Katie O’Connell, Warrenville, Illinois

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that 
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed. Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 
32 plastic feet […]

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

The black lacquer stand 
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as 
before but with this appended to 
his note: “Nice swords.” Eleonore Bode-Lemming, Salem, Oregon

I’ve been working on my PhD 
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get 
a job there. Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you […]

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do 
Web design. Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook? Me: Oh, very easy. Friend: He doesn’t mean to make 
a Facebook profile. He means to 
remake all of Facebook. Me: Oh. Very hard. Father: Oh, OK. From […]

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. —David Letterman

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, 
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and 
at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad. Comedian Mark […]