“Doctor, I keep seeing an inspect buzzing around me.”
“Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”
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Forgetful Dad
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Award-winning
Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A. Because he was outstanding in his field.
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Cheesy
Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
A. There was nothing left but de Brie.
I do
Q. Our wedding was so beautiful …
A. Even the cake was in tiers.
Fall meets winter
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite
Lunch food
Q. I hate jokes about German sausages.
A. They’re the wurst.
Shoe time
Q. Dad, can you put my shoes on?
A. I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Swimming
Q. Is this pool safe for diving?
A. It deep ends.
Changing of the seasons
Q. Can February March?
A. No, but April May
Ahoy!
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
History lessons
Q. I’m reading a book on the history of glue.
A. I just can’t seem to put it down.
Behind bars
Q. If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
A. CELLphies
Ocean Waving
Q. What did the ocean say to the sailboat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
Cat Flames
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.
Smart Shovel
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Don’t Buy Velcro
I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
Grapes Make Wine
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
Sleepy Bicycle
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.