I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!” “Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the…
Q: If you’re an American in the kitchen, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?
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“What did Mississippi let Delaware?” “I don’t know, but Alaska!
The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric…
“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.”
“Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A. Because he was outstanding in his field.
Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
A. There was nothing left but de Brie.
Q. Our wedding was so beautiful …
A. Even the cake was in tiers.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q. I hate jokes about German sausages.
A. They’re the wurst.
Q. Dad, can you put my shoes on?
A. I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Q. Is this pool safe for diving?
A. It deep ends.
Q. Can February March?
A. No, but April May
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. I’m reading a book on the history of glue.
A. I just can’t seem to put it down.
Q. If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
Q. What did the ocean say to the sailboat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant
I’ll call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What do you call a fake noodle?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind.
I know, it really came out of the purple.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I hate jokes about German sausage.
They’re the wurst.
Why did the can-crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda-pressing.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was too tired.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
“I’ll call you later.”
“Don’t call me later, call me dad.”
I advertised the following item on our local radio program: For sale: Small push-type lawn mower. Brand-new, $40. One person called and asked if the lawn mower was a single…
Natives of Baltimore, Maryland, my wife and I decided to move to the country in southwest Virginia for a change of pace. After we made the move, we started to…
SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is? Me: Hmm, is it a…
My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds….
A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my…
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only…
The black lacquer stand holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the…
I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day,…
Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do Web design. Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook? Me: Oh, very…
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and…
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to…
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said,…
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the…
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind…
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket…
On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat….
While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their…
My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the…
Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one. When…
I decided to make myself useful and do a load of the family laundry. When I took the clothes out of the machine, I discovered — to my dismay —…
Our Gen-X daughter, Cristie, made my husband a Father’s Day card entitled “Things My Dad Would Never Say.” Such as: “Can you turn up that music?” “Go ahead and take…
Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid. Sure enough, my car overheated. Scolding…
My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father’s Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After…
“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I…