Jokes > Dad Jokes
Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A. Because he was outstanding in his field.
Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
A. There was nothing left but de Brie.
Q. Our wedding was so beautiful …
A. Even the cake was in tiers.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q. I hate jokes about German sausages.
A. They’re the wurst.
Q. Is this pool safe for diving?
A. It deep ends.
Q. Can February March?
A. No, but April May
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. I’m reading a book on the history of glue.
A. I just can’t seem to put it down.
Q. If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
Q. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? A. Nothing, it just waved.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant
I’ll call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind. I know, it really came out of the purple.
I hate jokes about German sausage. They’re the wurst.
Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was too tired.
“I’ll call you later.” “Don’t call me later, call me dad.”
I advertised the following item on our local radio program: For sale: Small push-type lawn mower. Brand-new, $40. One person called and asked if the lawn mower was a single or double cylinder. I told him, “It depends on how fast you walk!”