A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work!
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Measure Millennials
Q: How do you weigh a millennial?
A: In Instagrams.
Which is Lighter
Q: What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A: The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
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Lazy Shoes
Q: What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?
A: Loafers.
Didn’t See You, Officer
A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, “You’re speeding! Didn’t you see the speed limit sign?” The man replied, “Yeah I saw the speed limit sign,...
New Noses
The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?” “They have a place...
No Inspiration
Q: What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration? A: She draws a blank.
Close, But No Cigar
I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.
No Laughs in the Future
I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
Run the Reds
An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!” “Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the...
American in the Kitchen
Q: If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
A: European!
State Convos
"What did Mississippi let Delaware?" "I don't know, but Alaska!
Invisible Bike
The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric...
What’s the Buzz
“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.” “Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”
Forgetful Dad
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Award-winning
Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award? A. Because he was outstanding in his field.
Cheesy
Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? A. There was nothing left but de Brie.
I do
Q. Our wedding was so beautiful ... A. Even the cake was in tiers.
Fall meets winter
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A. Frostbite
Lunch food
Q. I hate jokes about German sausages. A. They're the wurst.
Shoe time
Q. Dad, can you put my shoes on? A. I don't think they'll fit me.
Swimming
Q. Is this pool safe for diving? A. It deep ends.
Changing of the seasons
Q. Can February March? A. No, but April May
Ahoy!
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.
History lessons
Q. I'm reading a book on the history of glue. A. I just can't seem to put it down.
Behind bars
Q. If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called? A. CELLphies
Ocean Waving
Q. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? A. Nothing, it just waved.
Cat Flames
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Smart Shovel
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Don’t Buy Velcro
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
Grapes Make Wine
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
Sleepy Bicycle
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
Not Your Cheese
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
Construction Work Ahead
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
Useless Elephant
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant
Call me Dad
I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
Lonely Skeletons
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
Scarecrow Award
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Misfit Shoes
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad Haircut
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
Igloo House
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
Coffee Crime
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
Beaver Dam
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Paper Cut
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
Apple Tree
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Imposter Food
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
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Moon Dining
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Cheese fire
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
Seeing Purple
I've just been diagnosed as color blind. I know, it really came out of the purple.
Restaurant review
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Just the wurst
I hate jokes about German sausage. They're the wurst.
I quit!
Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.
So Sleepy
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was too tired.
A+
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Call ya later!
"I'll call you later." "Don't call me later, call me dad."
People Power
I advertised the following item on our local radio program: For sale: Small push-type lawn mower. Brand-new, $40. One person called and asked if the lawn mower was a single...
Over Yonder
Natives of Baltimore, Maryland, my wife and I decided to move to the country in southwest
Virginia for a change of pace. After we made the move, we started to...
Life With A Blonde Teenager…
SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is? Me: Hmm, is it a...
What An Ugly Duck…
My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds....
No Such Thing As A Free Yacht
A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my...
A Real Gut-Buster
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only...
My Sword of Employer
The black lacquer stand
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the...
My Kids Don’t Know What I Do
I’ve been working on my PhD
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day,...
Dad’s Brilliant Business Plan
Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do
Web design. Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook? Me: Oh, very...
David Letterman on Halloween
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. —David Letterman
Parenting Is Easy—I Swear!
The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word,
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and...
A Trashy Career
“Has your son decided what
he wants to be when he grows up?”
I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,”
he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to...
Parenting, the Dad-Joke Way
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said,...
Dad Jokes from Granddad
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get
less-on-ya.” I say to the...
That's Not How it Works, Dad.
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind...
No. 1 on Our List — Literally!
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket...
Paternal Payback
On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat....
Pop Vs. Pup
While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their...