Dad Jokes

A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, “You’re speeding! Didn’t you see the speed limit sign?”

The man replied, “Yeah I saw the speed limit sign, but I didn’t see you.”

The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?”

“They have a place that manufactures them,” I answered. “It’s called the ‘olfactory.’”

Q: What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration?

A: She draws a blank.

I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.

I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next light. Just when it turns green, the driver slams on the brakes. The confused passenger asks, “You just ran two red lights; why’d you stop at a green?”

“I had to,” says the driver. “My brother might have been coming.”

Q: If you’re an American in the kitchen, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?

A: European!

“What did Mississippi let Delaware?” “I don’t know, but Alaska!

The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric exams, he was given a discharge. He rode his Hog to the main gate, propped it up on its invisible stand and walked out. “Hey,” called the gate guard. “You forgot your bike.”

“No,” replied the draftee, “I’m leaving it for the next guy who wants to get out.”

“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.”

“Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award?

A. Because he was outstanding in his field.

Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

A. There was nothing left but de Brie.

Q. Our wedding was so beautiful …

A. Even the cake was in tiers.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite

Q. I hate jokes about German sausages.

A. They’re the wurst.

Q. Dad, can you put my shoes on?

A. I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Q. Is this pool safe for diving?

A. It deep ends.

Q. Can February March?

A. No, but April May

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A. A nervous wreck.

Q. I’m reading a book on the history of glue.

A. I just can’t seem to put it down.

Q. If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?

A. CELLphies

Q. What did the ocean say to the sailboat?

A. Nothing, it just waved.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.

Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant

I’ll call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind.

I know, it really came out of the purple.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

I hate jokes about German sausage.

They’re the wurst.

Why did the can-crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda-pressing.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was too tired.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

“I’ll call you later.”

“Don’t call me later, call me dad.”

I advertised the following item on our local radio program:

For sale: Small push-type lawn mower. Brand-new, $40.
One person called and asked if the lawn mower was a single or double cylinder. I told him, “It depends on how fast you walk!”

Natives of Baltimore, Maryland, my wife and I decided to move to the country in southwest Virginia for a change of pace. After we made the move, we started to notice little things about our neighbors. One we could not get over was how they gave directions.

When we asked, everyone said to go down yonder and go over yonder and go around yonder. We would say thank you, but when we got into the truck we’d look at each other and ask, “Do you know where yonder is?”
So for the first year or so, we drove around in circles. Then the other day, while we were in town shopping, someone asked us for directions.
As I told them where to go, it came to me all at once. It took some time, but yeah—now I know where yonder is. And the people there are all right.

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …

Me: Close enough.

—by Robert Alvarez, author of Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter

My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”

The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

Katie O’Connell, Warrenville, Illinois

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.

Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.

Eddie Edwards, Ripley, Tennessee

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

The black lacquer stand holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as before but with this appended to his note: “Nice swords.”

Eleonore Bode-Lemming, Salem, Oregon

I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.

Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”

“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”

Christopher Fields, Fort Collins, Colorado

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do Web design.

Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?

Me: Oh, very easy.

Friend: He doesn’t mean to make a Facebook profile. He means to remake all of Facebook.

Me: Oh. Very hard.

Father: Oh, OK.

From clientsfromhell.net

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

—David Letterman

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.

Comedian Mark Chalifoux

“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.

“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”

“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”

Source: guy-sports.com

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”

I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.

@trmiller1326, from reddit.com

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”

They’ll probably laugh later.

Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee

Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”

Rachel Hester, Clover, South Carolina

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

Submitted by Joan Flood

On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.

“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”

Submitted by Kirsten Wiley

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.”

Submitted by Karla J. Kasper

My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”

Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?”

Submitted by Robin Yedlock