70 Funny Coffee Quotes That Keep the Laughs Brewing

Because good laughs and good coffee go hand-in-hand

Ah, coffee—what would we do without it? It’s a savior in the morning, giving us the energy to take on the day ahead. People love coffee so much that there’s a plethora of coffee punscoffee jokes and other coffee sayings that perfectly capture its significance in life. Now go brew a pot, sit at the table and enjoy these funny coffee quotes with your cup of joe. (And don’t forget to bookmark these funny wine quotes too!)

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Funny coffee quotes that speak to your soul

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1. “Coffee is a language itself.” —Jackie Chan

2. “I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.” —Lewis Black

3. “Never trust anyone who doesn’t drink coffee.” —AJ Lee

4. “Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.” —Earl Wilson

5. “Smell the roses. Smell the coffee. Whatever it is that makes you happy.” —Rita Moreno 

6. “If it wasn’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.” —David Letterman

7. “To me, the smell of fresh-made coffee is one of the greatest inventions.” —Hugh Jackman

8. “I gave up coffee. It’s almost worse than giving up a lover.” —Sandra Bullock

9. “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.” —Steven Wright

10. “Life’s too short for bad coffee.” —Gord Downie

11. “No coffee can be good in the mouth that does not first send a sweet offering of odor to the nostrils.” —Henry Ward Beecher

12. “Coffee is my water now.” —Becky G 

13. “What on Earth could be more luxurious than a sofa, a book and a cup of coffee?” —Anthony Trollope

14. “Life is just one cup of coffee after another, and don’t look for anything else.” —Bertrand Russell

15. “If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” —Abraham Lincoln

Think you know all about coffee? Test your knowledge with these coffee trivia questions.

Relatable funny coffee quotes

Funny Coffee Quote Clark GableRD.com, Getty Images

16. “Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?” —Jean Kerr

17. “Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.” —Edward Abbey

18. “When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee.” —Helen Hayes

19. “I never laugh until I’ve had my coffee.” —Clark Gable

20. “Don’t ever let anyone tell you that fairy tales aren’t real. I drink a potion made from magic beans every day, and it brings me back to life.” —Nanea Hoffman

21. “Coffee, the favorite drink of the civilized world.” —Thomas Jefferson

22. “Coffee first. Schemes later.” —Leanna Renee Hieber

23. “Good communication is just as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.” —Anne Morrow Lindbergh

24. “It doesn’t matter where you’re from or how you feel—there’s always peace in a strong cup of coffee.” —Gabriel Bá

25. “Coffee is a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drank.” —Alphonse Allais

26. “Once you wake up and smell the coffee, it’s hard to go back to sleep.” —Fran Drescher

27. “I think if I were a woman, I’d wear coffee as a perfume.” —John William Van Druten

28. “Almost all my middle-aged and elderly acquaintances, including me, feel about 25—unless we haven’t had our coffee, in which case we feel 107.” —Martha Beck

29. “I see no purpose in bad coffee, bad wine or insincere friends.” —Edward L. Morse

30. “I need a coffee to go with my coffee.” —Zooey Deschanel

In between sips, check out this handy guide to the different types of coffee.

Funny coffee quotes to share on social media

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31. “I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now.” —Louisa May Alcott

32. “I had some dreams; they were clouds in my coffee.” —Carly Simon

33. “They said I could be anything, so I decided to be caffeinated!” —Lizzie Chantree

34. “As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?” —Cassandra Clare, ‘City of Ashes’

35. “Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all.” —David Lynch

36. “The powers of a man’s mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks.” —Sir James Mackintosh

37. “Never underestimate the power of a good cup of coffee.” —Ursula Vernon

38. “Never say no to coffee.” —Cesar

39. “You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy coffee, and that’s pretty close.” —Unknown

40. “Coffee smells like magic and fairy tales.” —Allison Czarnecki

41. “It’s never too late for a coffee. After all, it’s morning somewhere in the world.” —Zooey Deschanel

42. “Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster and with more energy!” —Darynda Jones

43. “I hereby arm myself for today with coffee and the willingness to be wrong.” —Audrey Assad

44. “I can’t imagine a day without coffee. I can’t imagine!” —Howard Schultz 

45. “It seems to me that trying to live without friends is like milking a bear to get cream for your morning coffee. It is a whole lot of trouble, and then not worth much after you get it.” —Zora Neale Hurston

About to grab yourself a cup of brewed goodness? Learn how much caffeine is in a cup of coffee before you pour.

Funny coffee quotes to hang in your home

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46. “I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.” —T.S. Eliot

47. “Coffee smells like freshly ground heaven.” —Jesse Lane Adams 

48. “May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.” —Unknown

49. “Coffee: creative lighter fluid.” —Floyd Maxwell

50. “Life is scary without coffee.” —Unknown

51. “Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.” —Terry Pratchett

52. “I would rather suffer from coffee than be senseless.” —Napoleon Bonaparte

53. “Less talk, more coffee.” —Unknown

54. “What goes best with a cup of coffee? Another cup.” —Henry Rollins

55. “Any time is coffee time.” —Unknown

56. “I just want a hot cup of coffee, black, and I don’t want to hear about your troubles.” —Charles Bukowski

57. “You cannot thrash the person who makes you coffee. It’s a rule somewhere.” —Kim Harrison, ‘Ever After’

58. “I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.” —Gary Larson

59. “Bring me coffee before I turn into a goat!” —Johann Sebastian Bach

60. “It’s not until my third cup of coffee that I am fully awake and willing to face the consequences of that condition.” —Laura Bohannan

Coffee enthusiasts: Here’s how to make your coffee habit healthier.

Funny coffee quotes to share with fellow coffee lovers

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61. “No matter what historians claimed, BC really stood for Before Coffee.” —Cherise Sinclair, ‘Master of the Mountain’

62. “A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.” —Unknown

63. “Coffee and chocolate—the inventor of mocha should be sainted.” —Cherise Sinclair, ‘Hour of the Lion’

64. “Just coffee. Black—like my soul.” —Cassandra Clare, ‘City of Bones’

65. “I’ll quit coffee. It won’t be easy drinking my Bailey’s straight, but I’ll get used to it. It’ll still be the best part of waking up.” —Megan Mullally 

66. “I like my coffee like I like myself: strong, sweet and too hot for you.” —Jac Vanek

67. “Coffee in England is just toasted milk.” —Christopher Fry

68. “Adventure in life is good; consistency in coffee even better.” —Justina Chen

69. “The second cup of coffee is never as good as the first.” —Theodore Roosevelt

70. “Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister.” —Bob Irwin

If you liked these funny coffee quotes, you’ll love our list of the funniest quotes of all time.

Kelly Kuehn
Kelly Kuehn is a former editor for Reader’s Digest who covered entertainment, trivia and history. When she’s not working you can find her watching the latest and greatest movies, listening to a true-crime podcast (or two), blasting ‘90s music and hiking with her dog, Ryker, throughout the Finger Lakes.