75 Funny New Year Quotes to Start the Year Off with a Laugh

Updated: Mar. 21, 2024

Want to bring some humor to the holidays? These funny New Year quotes will get plenty of laughs.

We made it! Another year in the books. With so much pressure to make the most of New Year’s and push yourself to be the best version of yourself, it’s no wonder there’s so much stress. Living to see another year is a blessing and should be celebrated with family, friends and all of your loved ones. So, it doesn’t hurt to add a bit of humor to your New Year’s wishes. Put aside the inspirational New Year’s quotes for a moment and spread a little laughter with these funny New Year quotes. We compiled a list of some of the most sarcastic New Year quotes for 2024, many said by well-known figures throughout the years—from Oprah Winfrey and William Shakespeare to Oscar Wilde and Joey Adams.

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The best funny New Year quotes for 2024

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1. “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” —F. Scott Fitzgerald

2. “I’m still the same person I was last year—now I’m just hungover.” —Unknown

3. “It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” —William Thomas

4. “‘Out with the old, in with the new’ is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.” —Andy Borowitz

5. “Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less new year and leave it at that.” —Judith Christ

6. “May your dreams get fulfilled as well as your bills. Best of luck with the new year, dear.” —Unknown

7. “Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.” —Barbara Walters

8. “I haven’t been this excited about a new year since last year.” —Unknown

9. “You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” —Charlie Brown

10. “I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.” —Unknown

11. “Tonight’s December thirty-first, something is about to burst … Hark, it’s midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!” —Ogden Nash

12. “If you want an interesting party, combine cocktails and a fresh box of crayons for everyone.” —Robert Fulghum

13. “May the new year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall.” —Aleister Crowley

14. “New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.” —Unknown

15. “Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.” —William Shakespeare

16. “Every new year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?” —Ogden Nash

17. “I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.” —Robert Paul

18. “Every New Year’s I have the same question: ‘How did I get home?’” —Melanie White

19. “New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.” —Mark Twain

20. “New years are like pages in a book that’s so boring. You always think that the next page will be interesting, but it turns out to be the same every time. Happy New Year!” —Unknown

21. “Sometimes, a year has been so disastrous and so terrible that entering a new year will automatically mean entering a wonderful year!” —Mehmet Murat İldan

22. “So tonight I’m going to party like it’s 1999.” —Prince

23. “May this new year bring you more problems, more tears and more pains. Don’t get me wrong. I just want you to be a stronger person.” —Unknown

24. “So excited for you guys to ruin another year of your life. Have a merry Christmas and happy new year.” —Unknown

25. “8 p.m. is the new midnight!” —Unknown

26. “Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” —Oprah Winfrey

27. “I would say, ‘Happy new year,’ but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.” —Robert Clark

28. “He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.” —Farquhar McGillivray Knowles

29. “Stir the eggnog, lift the toddy, Happy New Year everybody.” —Phyllis McGinley

30. “Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one.” —Brad Paisley

31. “A new year means you will be a little bit older but not any wiser than today! Alas!” —Unknown

32. “Don’t be so worried about what you eat between Christmas and New Year’s. Worry more about what you eat between New Year’s and Christmas.” —Unknown

Funny New Year’s Eve quotes

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33. “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” —P.J. O’Rourke

34.  “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” —Bill Vaughan

35. “Every man regards his own life as the New Year’s Eve of time.”—Jean Paul Richter

36. “Let’s not spend New Year’s Eve trying to figure out where to spend New Year’s Eve.” —Unknown

37.  “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” —Bill Vaughan

38. “I can’t wait to control-alt-delete 2023, and start anew.” —Unknown

39. “Have a carefree New Year’s Eve and a hangover-free New Year’s Day.” —Unknown

40. “New Year’s Eve is finally here, where we can be drunk in public and no one minds. That’s why it’s the best holiday!” —Unknown

41. “Happy New Year! It is midnight already, and you are getting old—just go to sleep!” —Unknown

42. “Let us celebrate this New Year’s Eve in honor of the time we successfully wasted this year.” —Unknown

43. “It’s time to make old mistakes in different ways. Hurray! Happy New Year!” —Unknown

44. “I’m gonna order a pizza five minutes before the new year and when they arrive I will say, ‘I ordered this a year ago.'” —Unknown

Funny New Year’s resolution quotes

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45. “New Year’s resolution: to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” —James Agate

46.  “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” —Oscar Wilde

47. “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.” —Joey Adams

48. “My New Year’s resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between 10 and 3,000 pounds.” —Nia Vardalos

49. “My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.” —Unknown

50.  “I made no resolutions for the new year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.” —Anaïs Nin

51.  “The funniest part of a new year is making new resolutions. I am pretty sure you have one too. Let me know about your resolution, and I’ll try not to laugh as I did in the last year.” —Unknown

52. “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.” —Unknown

53.  “Last year’s resolution was to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. Only 30 pounds to go. —Unknown

54. “Many years ago, I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.” —Dave Beard

55. “New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” —Mark Twain

56.  “My New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘You go, girl’ to myself.” —Zach Galifianakis

57. “The new year is a time to start afresh, to start things all over again, but you realize things are too complicated and you can’t start. Happy New Year!” —Unknown

58.  “I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.” —Unknown

59. “This New Year’s, I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2.” —Melanie White

60. “Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.” —Eric Zorn

61. “It’s a new year, but with the same old problems. Oh, well, at least we’re alive. For now.” —Unknown

62. “Dear love, success, money and happiness, please can we be good friends in 2024?” —Unknown

Funny New Year wishes

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63. “Sorry for all the annoying behavior I did throughout the year. May you give me another chance to do that in the next new year!” —Unknown

64. “Happy New Year! I promise you, this year will be exactly the same as the last, you’ll just be a little older. Cheers!” —Unknown

65. “New Year’s Day is every man’s birthday.” —Charles Lamb

66. “I promise that this year too, I won’t let you do stupid things alone.” —Unknown

67. “Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.” —Brooks Atkinson

68. Remember when we were young and wanted to stay up for New Year’s? Now we are old and all we want to do is sleep.” —Unknown

69. “They say pain and tears help one to be stronger. So I am wishing you more tears and pain. For you to become even stronger than last year. Happy New Year!” —Unknown

70. “To a new year full of new possibilities, even though I’m sure we’ll just do the same old stuff anyway.” —Unknown

71. “May the new year bring you significantly more joy than the holidays did.” —Unknown 

72. “I hope you will not spend the first day of the new year sleeping on the couch. May God give you the strength to fight laziness. Happy New Year!” —Unknown

73. “I worked long and hard all year, and I can now officially say that I’ve managed to waste 365 days successfully. Happy New Year!” —Unknown

74. “I can’t believe it has been an entire year since I resolved to become a better person and then did nothing about it. Happy New Year!” —Unknown

75. “No need for resolutions to get in shape this year. Round is a shape, and you’re perfectly it. Happy New Year!” —Unknown