40 Funny New Year Quotes to Start the Year Off with a Laugh

New Year's can be a stressful time of year for many, but that's nothing a little humor can't fix. These funny New Year's quotes will do the trick!

We made it! Another year in the books. With so much pressure to make the most of the new year and push yourself to be the best version of yourself you can be, it’s no wonder there’s so much stress. Put aside the inspirational new year quotes for a moment and spread a little love with these funny new year quotes. They’re full of hilarious New Year’s jokes that you’ll want to include in all of your new year wishes this year.

1. “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” —F. Scott Fitzgerald

2. “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” —Oscar Wilde

3. “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” —Bill Vaughan

4. “I’m still the same person I was last year —now I’m just hung over.” —Unknown

5. “It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” —William Thomas

6. “New Year’s Resolution: to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” —James Agate

7. “’Out with the old, in with the new’ is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.” —Andy Borowitz

8. “This New Years I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd.” —Melanie White

9. “Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.” —Judith Christ

10. “May your dreams get fulfilled as well as your bills. Best of luck with the New Year, dear.” —Unknown

Unknown New Years Bills Quoterd.com, Getty Images

You can even use one of these quotes as your New Year’s Instagram caption!

11. “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” —P.J. O’Rourke

12. “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.” —Joey Adams

13. “My New Year’s Resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between ten and three thousand pounds.” —Nia Vardalos

14. “New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” —Mark Twain

15. “Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.” —Barbara Walters

16. “You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” —Charlie Brown

17. “I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.” —Anonymous

Anonymous New Years Funny Quoterd.com, Getty Images

18. “Tonight’s December thirty-first, something is about to burst… Hark, it’s midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!” —Ogden Nash

19. “My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.” —Anonymous

20. “I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.” —Anaïs Nin

21. “If you want an interesting party, combine cocktails and a fresh box of crayons for everyone.” —Robert Fulghum

22. “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” —Bill Vaughn

If you’re staying up until midnight, see where you can watch the ball drop when the clock strikes 12.

23. “May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall.” —Aleister Crowley

24. “New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.” —Unknown

25. “The funniest part of a new year is making new resolutions. I am pretty sure you have one too. Let me know about your resolution and I’ll try not to laugh as I did in the last year.” —Unknown

26. “Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.” —William Shakespeare

27. “Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?” —Ogden Nash

28. “I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.” —Unknown

29. “I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.” —Robert Paul

30. “Every New Year’s I have the same question: ‘How did I get home?’” —Melanie White

Melanie White Funny New Year Quoterd.com, Getty Images

31. “A new year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.” —Unknown

32. “New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.” —Mark Twain

33. “Last year’s resolution was to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. Only 30 pounds to go. —Anonymous

34. “Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.” —Dave Beard

35. “New years are like pages in a book that’s so boring. You always think that the next page will be interesting, but it turns out to be the same every time. Happy New Year!” —Unknown

36. “Sometimes a year has been so disastrous and so terrible that entering a new year will automatically mean entering a wonderful year!” —Mehmet Murat İldan

37. “So tonight I’m going to party like it’s 1999.” —Prince

38. “May this New Year bring you more problems, more tears, and more pains. Don’t get me wrong. I just want you to be a stronger person.” —Unknown

39. “So excited for you guys to ruin another year of your life. Have a merry and Happy New Year.” —Unknown

40. “8 p.m. is the new midnight!” —Unknown

In addition to just funny new year jokes, spread a little more humor with these hilarious New Year’s memes.

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Emma Taubenfeld
Emma Taubenfeld is an assistant editor for Reader’s Digest who focuses on digital lifestyle topics such as memes, social media captions, pick-up lines, and cute pets. When she’s not working, you can find Emma reading corny young adult novels, creating carefully curated playlists, and figuring out how to spice up boxed mac and cheese.