Coffee Jokes

Q: What do you call sad coffee? A: Despresso.

Q: What's the best Beatles song? A: Latte Be!

Q: Why do they call coffee mud? A: Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

Q: How are coffee beans like kids? A: They're always getting grounded!

Q: What's it called when you steal someone's coffee? A: Mugging!

Q: How does a tech guy drink coffee? A: He installs Java!

Q: How did the hipster burn his tongue? A: He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Q: Why are Italians so good at making coffee? A: Because they know how to espresso themselves.

Q: How are coffee beans like kids? A: They're always getting grounded!

If the local coffee shop has awarded you "Employee of the Month" and you don't even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.

Coffee is the most important meal of the day

Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt. Spouse #2: That's not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

Q: Where do birds go for coffee? A: To the NESTcafe

Soup of the day: Coffee.

Q: What's the opposite of coffee? A: Sneezy.

There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.

Hold the sugar please, you're sweet enough for the both of us.

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye," The psychiatrist said, "Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

Q: What is best Beatles song? A: Latte Be

Q: What did the barista's Valentine say? A: I can't espresso my love for you.

Q: How does a tech guy drink coffee? A: He installs Java!

Q: How are men like coffee? A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.

Q: How did the hipster burn his tongue?

A: He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Q: How does Moses make his coffee?

A: He brews.

Q: What do you call it when someone steals your morning coffee?

A: A mugging.

Q: What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?

A: Break fluid

Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?

A: Déjà brew

Q: What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?

A: “What’s Sumatra with you?”

A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The blonde says, “You have a drink named Tiffani?”

A pair of jumper cables walk into a cafe. The barista sees them and says, “I’m sorry but I’ll have to ask you to leave. I don’t want you starting anything in here.”

A man walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm. At the counter he says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”

Q: Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso?

A: It’s a cheap shot.

Q: Why shouldn't you discuss coffee in polite company?

A: It can make for a strong and heated debate.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

A guy that just had 4 shots of espresso!

A guy th—

Now you say, “a guy that just had 4 shots of espresso who?”

New word: Procaffeinating (n). - the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.

A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.

Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?

A: Because he was pressed for time.

Did you hear about the cow that gave birth?

It was de-calf-inated.

A man visits his doctor for a checkup. “Doc, I think something’s wrong with my brain,” he says. “Every time I take a sip of coffee I get this stabbing pain in my right eye.”

“I see,” says the doctor. “Have you tried taking the spoon out?”

Q: What do you call sad coffee?

A: Depresso 

Drinking too much espresso can cause a latte problems.