Corny Jokes

Get a laugh out of these classic, corny jokes.

Groaning is the best medicine. You’ll find out fast with these corny jokes for adults and corny puns.

Green Thumb?

Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole? A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

Great White Christmas

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they're sleeping? A: Santa Jaws!

Oh, iGet It

Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A: A pineapple.

Comb On!

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Gee, I'll never part with it!

Laughing All the Way!

Q: What is a lion's favorite Christmas carol? A: Jungle Bells.

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

Q: Why did the children call St. Nick "Santa Caus"? A: Because there was Noël.

Open Mic Night at the North Pole

Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke? A: This one'll sleigh you!

Christmas in Eden

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas? A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Better Than His Ghoul-Cousin…

Q: Who did Frankenstein's monster bring to prom? A: His ghoulfriend.

Muy Picante

Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeño business!

That Reminds Me of a Joke (Counterfeit Edition)

Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill. Source:...

We All KEA!

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked...

The Age-Old Question

Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute, a voice from the back interrupted us. “So,”...

A Particular Problem

You just can’t trust atoms—they make up everything. Submitted by Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York

Cross-eyed Conversation

What did one eye say to the other? "Don't look now, but something between us smells."

An Equation for Disaster

Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus? Because you should never drink and derive.

Old McDonald had a Fraction

Which trigonometric functions do farmers like? Swine and cowswine.

Convex

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Convex. Convex who? Convex go to prison!

Punster’s Theorem

Algebra teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?" Student: "Ten Q." Teacher: "You're welcome."

Cannibal Humor

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

Likely Not Far

Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog? A: Right where you left him.

You Don’t Say?

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance....

A Swift Decline

About a month before my grandfather died, my grandmother covered his back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly. —Source: Funny in the U.K.

Fortune-Teller Fumble

A fortune-teller advised me, “Do everything your boss says.” Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how...

Hush, Little Actuary

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says. “Have you tried counting sheep?”...

Frozen Account

My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this...

The Three Week Diet

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal. He replies, “Two weeks.” —Source:...

Weekly Poker Game

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

The Anxious Poodle

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go...

My Wife was in Labor…

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!” “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked. “Nothing,” he...

Roe v. Wade

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. —Stephen Colbert

The Obituary of Martin Levine

“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” read the newspaper obit. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at...

The Stepladder

I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder. But it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.

How Does Moses Make Tea?

How does Moses make tea? He brews.

Soul Singing Duck

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Barefoot Gandhi

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic...

A Cell Phone Wedding

Did you hear about the cell phones that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.

Job Security

Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back: Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.” Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.” Camp...

Page-Turners

The hashtag #literaryturducken asked Twitter users to combine the titles of three classic books into a single title. Here are some responses: Anne of Green Eggs and Hamlet You Are...

Humor Thieves

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

Would You Like to Join …

The Yoko Club? Oh no. The German Philosophy Club? I Kant. The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey. The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend? The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week. From...

NASA Cow Launch

Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit? It was the herd shot around the world.

Runaway Bagel

How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.

The Sick Giant

Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It's all over town.

A Pessimist’s Predicament

As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-faced client and says, “Janez, what’s wrong? You were acquitted.” “I know, but now I’m really in trouble,” says Janez....

He’s Hysterical!

A neighbor finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. “What’s the matter, honey?” she asks him. “It’s my father,” the boy says, sobbing. “He hit his finger with...

He’s Now the Butt of the Joke

Wife: “Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.” Husband: “Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.” —Source: Funny in Switzerland

Communist Nudists

At the nudist colony for communists, two men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, “I say, have you read Marx?” The other replies,...

Missing Dog

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What...

Bad Teacher

A schoolteacher was arrested at the airport for trying to go through security with a slide rule and a calculator. He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

A Horse Walks Into…

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey." The horse says, "You read my mind, buddy."

Two Cartons of Yogurt…

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the...

The Past, Present and Future…

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Charles Dickens Walks Into…

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or Twist?"

A Man Walks Into…

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, "Beer, please, and one for the road."

A Pair of Jumper Cables…

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, "OK, but I don't want you starting anything in here."

A Mushroom Walks Into…

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him to get out. The mushroom says, “Why? I’m a fun-guy.”

The Dyslexic Devil Worshiper

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

The Sinking Ship

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway.

A Tibetan Phone Call

So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.

The Human Cannonball

The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire. "But you can't!" protests the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?

The Pun Contest

There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun...

The Buddhist Pizza Order

What did the Buddhist say to the pizza guy? "Make me one with everything."

A Bothersome Brother

Why can't a woman ask her brother for help? Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.

A Fish with No Eye

What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

All the King’s Men

Where does a king keep his armies? In his sleevies.

An Unbalanced Bike

Why do bicycles fall over? Because they are two-tired.

North Pole Therapy

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem.

Education Got You Down?

Why was the math book sad? Because it had so many problems.

Why Were All the Ink Spots Crying?

Why were all the ink spots crying? Their father was in the pen.

Humming Birds

Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they can't remember the words.

Why are cowboy hats turned up on the sides?

So that three people can fit in the pickup.