At the nudist colony for communists, two men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, “I say, have you read Marx?” The other replies,…
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What…
A schoolteacher was arrested at the airport for trying to go through security with a slide rule and a calculator. He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
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• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected]
• My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected]
• My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected]
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the…
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, “Beer, please, and one for the road.”
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, “OK, but I don’t want you starting anything in here.”
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him to get out. The mushroom says, “Why? I’m a fun-guy.”
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire.
“But you can’t!” protests the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?
There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun…
What did the Buddhist say to the pizza guy?
“Make me one with everything.”
Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help?
Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Where does a king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Why do bicycles fall over?
Because they are two-tired.
Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Why were all the ink spots crying?
Their father was in the pen.
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they can’t remember the words.
So that three people can fit in the pickup.
A hermit leaves the solitude of his rural home and ventures into town for the first time in his life to try to get a loan. Inside the bank, he…
A man walks into a restaurant and says, “How do you prepare your chickens?” The cook replies, “Nothing special. We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”
A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.” The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.”
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the…
A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm. “Do you make fish cakes?” he asked. “Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger. “Great,” said the man….
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the 400-pound cartoonist? He was overdrawn.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the knife-sharpener who quit his job? He couldn’t stand the daily grind.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.—Contributed by James Brink
Matt swallowed all the tiles from his Scrabble set. Doctors said the problem will work itself out, but not in so many words.—From Man Walks into a Bar by Stephen…
Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
—Contributed by Adam Joshua Smargon
Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn’t know soda was baked. Girl #2: Thank God it’s not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would…
Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated? Friend: Well, that’s not exactly what he said, now, was it? Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided…
Guy: Your glasses can’t be bad—you just got them! Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it’s really my own fault. Guy: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve…
“I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this more interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”
If truth-in-advertising laws governed your tattoos, here’s what the ink would actually say: Still in my rebellious rite-of-passage phase. I anticipate always feeling as whimsical as I was when I…
Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic after…
• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected] • My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His…
After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the…
Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to…
Are you a redneck? Want to be one? Take the Redneck IQ test and see how well you fare. Don’t look for answers. If you need them, you’re no redneck….
The Week asked its readers to come up with the name of a French fast-food restaurant: •Brief Bourguignonne •Kentucky Fried Chic •Tore de Pants •Fatatouille •Fryer Jacques •Have It Eur…
On his way to perform at a graveside service, the bagpiper gets lost. After many wrong turns, he finally arrives, but the minister and mourners have already gone. Only the…
My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realized he was her favorite twin.
Three guys are talking about what constitutes fame. The first guy defines it as being invited to the White House for a chat with the president. “Nah,” says the second…
While filling up at a gas station, I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt. When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling her nose. Embarrassed, I tried…
The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?” One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family…
Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. “I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants,” commented one of my colleagues. “That can’t be true,”…
Read funny jokes about all 50 states and start laughing.
A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day. "Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks. The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in…
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage,…
A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling…
Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the…
Hoss drove over to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar. This was…
News that her third child was going to be a girl thrilled my cousin, who already had two boys. "My husband wants to call her Sunny," she told me, "and…
There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Finally the customer behind me muttered, “Mr. Hare must…
Phil was driving down a country road late one night when he felt a big thud. He got out of the car and looked around, but the road was empty….
Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in…
Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after…
My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees—dishes like “Chicken Mickey,” after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and “Rod’s…