Corny Jokes

Get a laugh out of these classic, corny jokes.

Groaning is the best medicine. You’ll find out fast with these corny jokes for adults and corny puns.

Chicken Prep

A man walks into a restaurant and says, "How do you prepare your chickens?" The cook replies, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."

Underwear Thief

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial. —Jimmy Fallon

A Duck Walks Into a Drugstore

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49." The duck replies, "Put it on my bill."

Quite a Crowd

Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A Pig Walks Into a Bar…

A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the...

Best Fishes

A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm. “Do you make fish cakes?” he asked. “Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger. “Great,” said the man....

The Claustrophobic Astronaut

Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space.—Contributed by James Brink

The Heavy Cartoonist

Did you hear the one about the 400-pound cartoonist? He was overdrawn.—Contributed by James Brink

The Unemployed Knife-Sharpener

Did you hear the one about the knife-sharpener who quit his job? He couldn't stand the daily grind.—Contributed by James Brink

The Mime Who Shopped

Did you hear the one about the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.—Contributed by James Brink

The Allergic Convict

Did you hear the one about the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.—Contributed by James Brink

G-E-T W-E-L-L S-O-O-N

Matt swallowed all the tiles from his Scrabble set. Doctors said the problem will work itself out, but not in so many words.—From Man Walks into a Bar by Stephen...

Hey, Break a Leg!

Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
—Contributed by Adam Joshua Smargon

Overheard: Weight a Minute!

Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn’t know soda was baked. Girl #2: Thank God it’s not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would...

Overheard: Voided of Thought

Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated? Friend: Well, that’s not exactly what he said, now, was it? Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided...

Overheard: Eye Gotcha!

Guy: Your glasses can’t be bad—you just got them! Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it’s really my own fault. Guy: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve...

Your Move

"I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.'  So we stopped playing chess." —Matt Kirshen

What That Tattoo Really Says

If truth-in-advertising laws governed your tattoos, here’s what the ink would actually say: Still in my rebellious rite-of-passage phase. I anticipate always feeling as whimsical as I was when I...

The Town Crier

Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic after...

Funny Fictional Fiction

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the “best” from the past year. As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered...

Harry Potter Sequels

After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the...

Blame Canada

Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to...

Redneck IQ Test

Are you a redneck? Want to be one? Take the Redneck IQ test and see how well you fare. Don’t look for answers. If you need them, you’re no redneck....

7 Funny French Fast-Food Restaurants

The Week asked its readers to come up with the name of a French fast-food restaurant: •Brief Bourguignonne •Kentucky Fried Chic •Tore de Pants •Fatatouille •Fryer Jacques •Have It Eur...

Odd Jobsite

On his way to perform at a graveside service, the bagpiper gets lost. After many wrong turns, he finally arrives, but the minister and mourners have already gone. Only the...

Party Time

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was her favorite twin.

The Definition of Fame

Three guys are talking about what constitutes fame. The first guy defines it as being invited to the White House for a chat with the president. “Nah,” says the second...

Funny Smell

While filling up at a gas station, I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt. When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling her nose. Embarrassed, I tried...

Good Eulogy

The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?” One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family...

On Friends and Countrymen

Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. “I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants,” commented one of my colleagues. “That can’t be true,”...

Bathing in Milk

A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day. "Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks. The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in...

Drinking Water

My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage,...

Driving in the Middle

A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling...

Lawn-Mower Names

Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the...

Speaking Slowly

Hoss drove over to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar. This was...

Change in Weather

News that her third child was going to be a girl thrilled my cousin, who already had two boys. "My husband wants to call her Sunny," she told me, "and...

Slow and Steady

There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Finally the customer behind me muttered, “Mr. Hare must...

Squealing Evidence

Phil was driving down a country road late one night when he felt a big thud. He got out of the car and looked around, but the road was empty....

Overeater

Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in...

Speech Impediment

Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after...

Unappetizing

My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees—dishes like “Chicken Mickey,” after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and “Rod’s...