Corny Jokes

A man walked into the doctor’s office with a strawberry stuck in his ear.  “Can you help me, doctor?” he pled. The doctor looked closely, and said, “I think I’ve got some cream for that.”

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Q: What’s brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

A: It’s two gross.

Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?

A: Because of all the natural logs.

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?

A: A roamin’ numeral.

Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?

A: Probably.

Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

A: An Algorithm

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

A: Because you should never drink and derive.

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A: a receding hare-line.

What do you call a dumb carnivore? A meathead.

How many carnivores does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to stay in the dark.

How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don’t know, but where do you get your protein?

Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to seitan.

Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?

A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.

T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH

 @johnfreiler

• Star of Gravity (Newton)
• You say potato, I say __(carbsmakemefat)
• Turned water into wine (ernestandjulio)
• Number of wheels on an 18-wheeler (goingtoofasttocount)
• Etsy, Russian (nyetsy)

Source: Esquire

During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes.
“Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother.
“Yes, it is.”
“Funny,” she said. “I always thought she was taller.”

Lee Rosenow, Long Prairie, Minnesota

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

A: You don’t. You get down from a goose.

Why should you never breakup with a goalie?

Because he’s a keeper.

Q: Why are frogs so happy?

A: They eat whatever bugs them.

A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.

Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle.

—Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?

A: Because they have two left feet!

Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?

A: A coat of paint.

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?

Girl: Yes, February 14th.

What did one boat say to the other? “Are you up for a little row-mance?”

Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?

A: Depends how well they can knit.

Q: Why do cows have bells?

A: Because their horns don’t work.

Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient?

A: “I can’t see you today.”

Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and the tightrope walker. Why didn’t the lion eat the clown?

A: Because it thought he would taste funny.

Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?

A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?

A: Because every seat has a fan in it!

Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven?

A: Because seven ate nine!

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.

Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?”

The driver said, “You buyin’?”

Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?”

The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how to tell the difference.”

“I do,” says the first baby. He carefully climbs out of his crib and into the other crib, then disappears beneath the blankets. After a few seconds, he resurfaces.

“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he says.

“How can you tell?”

“Easy. You’ve got pink booties, and I’ve got blue ones.”

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.

—Stewart Francis

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

—Stewart Francis

A man walked into the doctor’s office with a strawberry stuck in his ear.  “Can you help me, doctor?” he pled. The doctor looked closely, and said, “I think I’ve got some cream for that.”

I’m reading a great book about antigravity—I just can’t put it down.

Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?

A: Because they are rain deer.

Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?

That’s right—he was elf taught.

Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?

A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?

A: Santa Jaws!

Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A: A pineapple.

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Gee, I’ll never part with it!

Q: What is a lion’s favorite Christmas carol?

A: Jungle Bells.

Q: Why did the children call St. Nick “Santa Caus”?

A: Because there was Noël.

Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?

A: This one’ll sleigh you!

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Q: Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?

A: His ghoulfriend.

Q: What does a nosey pepper do?

A: Gets jalapeño business!

Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill.
Source: Sun Chronicle (Attleboro, Massachusetts)

Here’s the laugh: A counterfeiter drives to a small town, enters a store, and hands the rube behind the counter an $18 bill. “Mind making change?” he asks.

“Sure,” says the clerk. “Ya want two nines or three sixes?”

Source: propilots.org

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift.

I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

Jim Mercer, Delta, Canada

Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute, a voice from the back interrupted us.

“So,” a man said, “how many accountants does it take to press the elevator button?”

Anahita Hashemi, Stamford, Connecticut

You just can’t trust atoms—they make up everything.

Submitted by Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York

What did one eye say to the other?

“Don’t look now, but something between us smells.”

Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus?

Because you should never drink and derive.

Which trigonometric functions do farmers like?

Swine and cowswine.

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Convex.

Convex who?

Convex go to prison!

Algebra teacher: “What is seven Q plus three Q?”

Student: “Ten Q.”

Teacher: “You’re welcome.”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog?

A: Right where you left him.

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” A decade later, it’s the big day. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

About a month before my grandfather died, my grandmother covered his back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.

—Source: Funny in the U.K.