Corny Jokes

Q: Why was the dead man insensitive?
A: Because he had a cold heart.

Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts.
Comedian Myq Kaplan

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Control Freak.

Con—

Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

Give a man a fish, and he’ll Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.

@hipstermermaid

“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”

@Normwilner

“I’d tap that.”

@SanaSaeed

“I know exactly where you have been all my life.”

@Adonish_P
From #NSAPickUpLines

plagiarism.

Submitted by M. R.

A man vacations on a tropical island, and the first thing he hears is drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.

“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”

“Why?”

“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”

Source: textsfromlastnight.com

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

A hiker stumbles upon a golden lamp in the forest. He rubs it, and out pops a real-life genie.

“In return for freeing me,” says the genie, “I will grant you three wishes.”

“I want a million more wishes,” the hiker says immediately.

“Rule number one: No asking for more wishes.”

The hiker considers his options before replying, “In that case, I want a million more genies.”

reddit.com

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro?

They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

In math: Two divided by nothing.

In physics: The contraction of the mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned.

In economics: A thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

In dentistry: It’s infectious and antiseptic.

From gcfl.net

Q: Where do geeks go for a good time?

A: A wonky-tonk.

Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas

Hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?

It was three feet deep on average.

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Q: What’s brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

A: It’s two gross.

Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?

A: Because of all the natural logs.

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?

A: A roamin’ numeral.

Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?

A: Probably.

Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

A: An Algorithm

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

A: Because you should never drink and derive.

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A: a receding hare-line.

What do you call a dumb carnivore? A meathead.

How many carnivores does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to stay in the dark.

How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don’t know, but where do you get your protein?

Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to seitan.

Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?

A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.

T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH

 @johnfreiler

• Star of Gravity (Newton)
• You say potato, I say __(carbsmakemefat)
• Turned water into wine (ernestandjulio)
• Number of wheels on an 18-wheeler (goingtoofasttocount)
• Etsy, Russian (nyetsy)

Source: Esquire

During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes.
“Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother.
“Yes, it is.”
“Funny,” she said. “I always thought she was taller.”

Lee Rosenow, Long Prairie, Minnesota

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

A: You don’t. You get down from a goose.

Why should you never breakup with a goalie?

Because he’s a keeper.

Q: Why are frogs so happy?

A: They eat whatever bugs them.

A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.

Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle.

—Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?

A: Because they have two left feet!

Q: Why was the dead man insensitive?
A: Because he had a cold heart.

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?

Girl: Yes, February 14th.

What did one boat say to the other? “Are you up for a little row-mance?”

Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?

A: Depends how well they can knit.

Q: Why do cows have bells?

A: Because their horns don’t work.

Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient?

A: “I can’t see you today.”

Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and the tightrope walker. Why didn’t the lion eat the clown?

A: Because it thought he would taste funny.

Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?

A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?

A: Because every seat has a fan in it!

Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven?

A: Because seven ate nine!

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.

Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?”

The driver said, “You buyin’?”

Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?”

The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how to tell the difference.”

“I do,” says the first baby. He carefully climbs out of his crib and into the other crib, then disappears beneath the blankets. After a few seconds, he resurfaces.

“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he says.

“How can you tell?”

“Easy. You’ve got pink booties, and I’ve got blue ones.”

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.

—Stewart Francis

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

—Stewart Francis

Q: What do you call an old snowman?

A: Water!

I’m reading a great book about antigravity—I just can’t put it down.

Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?

A: Because they are rain deer.

Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?

That’s right—he was elf taught.

Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?

A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?

A: Santa Jaws!

Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A: A pineapple.

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Gee, I’ll never part with it!

Q: What is a lion’s favorite Christmas carol?

A: Jungle Bells.

Q: Why did the children call St. Nick “Santa Caus”?

A: Because there was Noël.

Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?

A: This one’ll sleigh you!

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

A: It’s Christmas, Eve!