Corny Jokes

Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?

A: You’re under a vest.

During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes.
“Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother.
“Yes, it is.”
“Funny,” she said. “I always thought she was taller.”

Lee Rosenow, Long Prairie, Minnesota

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

A: You don’t. You get down from a goose.

Why should you never breakup with a goalie?

Because he’s a keeper.

Q: Why are frogs so happy?

A: They eat whatever bugs them.

A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.

Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle.

—Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?

A: Because they have two left feet!

Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?

A: A coat of paint.

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?

Girl: Yes, February 14th.

What did one boat say to the other? “Are you up for a little row-mance?”

Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?

A: Depends how well they can knit.

Q: Why do cows have bells?

A: Because their horns don’t work.

Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient?

A: “I can’t see you today.”

Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and the tightrope walker. Why didn’t the lion eat the clown?

A: Because it thought he would taste funny.

Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?

A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?

A: Because every seat has a fan in it!

Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven?

A: Because seven ate nine!

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.

Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?”

The driver said, “You buyin’?”

Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?”

The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how to tell the difference.”

“I do,” says the first baby. He carefully climbs out of his crib and into the other crib, then disappears beneath the blankets. After a few seconds, he resurfaces.

“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he says.

“How can you tell?”

“Easy. You’ve got pink booties, and I’ve got blue ones.”

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.

—Stewart Francis

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

—Stewart Francis

Q: What do you call an old snowman?

A: Water!

I’m reading a great book about antigravity—I just can’t put it down.

Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?

A: Because they are rain deer.

Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?

That’s right—he was elf taught.

Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?

A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?

A: Santa Jaws!

Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A: A pineapple.

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Gee, I’ll never part with it!

Q: What is a lion’s favorite Christmas carol?

A: Jungle Bells.

Q: Why did the children call St. Nick “Santa Caus”?

A: Because there was Noël.

Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?

A: This one’ll sleigh you!

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Q: Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?

A: His ghoulfriend.

Q: What does a nosey pepper do?

A: Gets jalapeño business!

Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill.
Source: Sun Chronicle (Attleboro, Massachusetts)

Here’s the laugh: A counterfeiter drives to a small town, enters a store, and hands the rube behind the counter an $18 bill. “Mind making change?” he asks.

“Sure,” says the clerk. “Ya want two nines or three sixes?”

Source: propilots.org

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift.

I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

Jim Mercer, Delta, Canada

Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute, a voice from the back interrupted us.

“So,” a man said, “how many accountants does it take to press the elevator button?”

Anahita Hashemi, Stamford, Connecticut

You just can’t trust atoms—they make up everything.

Submitted by Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York

What did one eye say to the other?

“Don’t look now, but something between us smells.”

Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?

A: You’re under a vest.

Which trigonometric functions do farmers like?

Swine and cowswine.

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Convex.

Convex who?

Convex go to prison!

Algebra teacher: “What is seven Q plus three Q?”

Student: “Ten Q.”

Teacher: “You’re welcome.”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog?

A: Right where you left him.

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” A decade later, it’s the big day. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

About a month before my grandfather died, my grandmother covered his back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.

—Source: Funny in the U.K.

A fortune-teller advised me, “Do everything your boss says.” Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night, as I read the newspaper, I noticed my horoscope: “Do everything your boss says.”

—Source: Funny in Korea Survey

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.

“Have you tried counting sheep?” asks the doctor.

“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you’ll understand, but my capital has been frozen.”

—Source: Funny in China Survey

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”

“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.

He replies, “Two weeks.”

—Source: Funny in Canada Survey

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro?

They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

—Stephen Colbert

“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” read the newspaper obit. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50.”

—Merrill Markoe

I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder. But it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.

How does Moses make tea?

He brews.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Did you hear about the cell phones that got married?

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.

Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back:

Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.”
Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.”
Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.”
Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.”
Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.”

The hashtag #literaryturducken asked Twitter users to combine the titles of three classic books into a single title. Here are some responses:

Anne of Green Eggs and Hamlet
You Are What You Eat, Pray, Love in the Time of Cholera
What’s Eating Gilbert Grapes of Wrath of the Titans
How Green Was My Valley of the Doll’s House
The Art of War and Peace in Our Time

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

The Yoko Club? Oh no.
The German Philosophy Club? I Kant.
The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey.
The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend?
The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week.

From gcfl.com

Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit?

It was the herd shot around the world.