Corny Jokes

The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh: “Finally, after 97 long days adrift, Captain Pertwee was 
rescued, mercifully ending his miserable diet of rainwater and strips of sun-dried Haddock—which was 
actually far ghastlier than […]

  The satisfactory.

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get 
less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why […]

Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented. @JoeToplyn

Eve Sex: Female Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, 
but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old Location: Over by some ferns Height: A tall vine Weight: A bunch of sticks Body Type: Only female type there is Favorite music: Birds Favorite movies: Birds Favorite food: Birds Hobbies: Being tempted, birds […]

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.” Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.” Wikipedia: “Warning label does 
not exist. Would you like to create warning label?” Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.” From gcfl.net

Throw him into the mainstream. Submitted by Jesse Rehn, 
Green Bay, Wisconsin

I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.” Brock Cohen

Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb? A: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb you have? OK. There could be four or five things wrong. Now, have you turned the light switch off and on?

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light-bulb? A: None. If the light-bulb needed changing, the market would have already done it.

Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Whatever.

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Only one, but she has to do 
it while you’re eating dinner.

Famous film quotes get the 
redneck treatment: • “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’” • “Use the horse, Luke.” • “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!” • “Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her 
’68 Rambler into mine.” From humorlabs.com

I told the kids I never want to 
live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from 
a bottle. So they unplugged my 
computer and threw out my wine. Submitted by Beverly McLaughlin, 
Burnsville, Minnesota

A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups: • A brat of boys • A giggle of girls • A stagger of drunks • A tedium of accountants • A stitch of doctors • A whine of losers • A jerk of politicians

Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts. Comedian Myq Kaplan

Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Control Freak. Con— Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

Give a man a fish, and he’ll 
Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it. @hipstermermaid

“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.” @Normwilner “I’d tap that.” @SanaSaeed “I know exactly where you have been all my life.” @Adonish_P From #NSAPickUpLines

plagiarism. Submitted by M. R.

A man vacations on a tropical 
island, and the first thing he hears 
is drums. He goes to the beach 
and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs. “No!” […]

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The 
Titanic is syncing.” Source: textsfromlastnight.com

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier. Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

A hiker stumbles upon a golden lamp in the forest. He rubs it, and out pops a real-life genie. “In return for freeing me,” says the genie, “I will grant you three wishes.” “I want a million more wishes,” the hiker says immediately. “Rule number one: No asking for more wishes.” The hiker considers his […]

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

In math: Two divided by nothing. In physics: The contraction of 
the mouth due to the expansion 
of the heart. In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned. In economics: A thing for which the demand is higher than the 
supply. In dentistry: It’s infectious and 
antiseptic. From gcfl.net

Q: Where do geeks go for a good time? A: A wonky-tonk. Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas

Hear about the statistician 
who drowned crossing a river? It 
was three feet deep on average.

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Q: What’s brown and sticky? A: A stick.

Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? A: It’s two gross.

Q: Why do mathematicians like parks? A: Because of all the natural logs.

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed […]

Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still? A: A roamin’ numeral.

Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician? A: Probably.

Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar? A: An Algorithm