Corny Jokes

Get a laugh out of these classic, corny jokes.

Groaning is the best medicine. You’ll find out fast with these corny jokes for adults and corny puns.

You Get What You Pay For

Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented. @JoeToplyn

Eve's Online Dating Profile

Eve Sex: Female Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, 
but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old Location: Over by some ferns Height: A tall vine...

Warning Labels We can Really Use:

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.” Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.” Wikipedia: “Warning label does 
not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”...

How do You Drown a Hipster?

Throw him into the mainstream. Submitted by Jesse Rehn, 
Green Bay, Wisconsin

It's A Small World…

I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.” Brock Cohen

How Many Tech-Support People…

Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb? A: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb...

How Many Economists…

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light-bulb? A: None. If the light-bulb needed changing, the market would have already done it.

How Many Teenagers…

Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Whatever.

How Many Telemarketers…

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Only one, but she has to do 
it while you’re eating dinner.

Redneck Movie Quotes

Famous film quotes get the 
redneck treatment: • “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’” • “Use the horse, Luke.” • “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!” • “Of all...

The Other Mortal Coils

I told the kids I never want to 
live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from 
a bottle. So they unplugged my 
computer and threw out...

Names For Groups You Never Knew

A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups: • A brat of boys • A giggle of girls • A stagger...

Wax On, Mouth Off

Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts. Comedian Myq Kaplan

Control Freak

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Control Freak. Con— Okay, now you say, "Control Freak who?"

Catch and Retweet

Give a man a fish, and he’ll 
Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it. @hipstermermaid

Popular NSA Pick-Up Lines

“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.” @Normwilner “I’d tap that.” @SanaSaeed “I know exactly where you have been all...

I Invented a New Word:

plagiarism. Submitted by M. R.

Drumming Up A Reason

A man vacations on a tropical 
island, and the first thing he hears 
is drums. He goes to the beach 
and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the...

The Device Too Big To Fail

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The 
Titanic is syncing.” Source:

Zero Sum Puns

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I...

Zen and the Art of Breakfast

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

Genie Logic

A hiker stumbles upon a golden lamp in the forest. He rubs it, and out pops a real-life genie. “In return for freeing me,” says the genie, “I will grant...

New World Gambling

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

What’s The Best Thing…

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Professors Define a Kiss

In math: Two divided by nothing. In physics: The contraction of 
the mouth due to the expansion 
of the heart. In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when...

Where Do Geeks Go…

Q: Where do geeks go for a good time? A: A wonky-tonk. Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas

Hear About the Statistician…

Hear about the statistician 
who drowned crossing a river? It 
was three feet deep on average.

Cluck Life

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

What’s Brown and…

Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick.

A Joke of Little Value…

Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

A Genius Solution

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.

Why Should 288…

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? A: It's two gross.

Why do Mathematicians…

Q: Why do mathematicians like parks? A: Because of all the natural logs.

Noah and the Snakes

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes...

What do You Call a Number…

Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still? A: A roamin' numeral.

An Average Joke

Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician? A: Probably.

Vice President of Rock

Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar? A: An Algorithm

Chicken Strips

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? A: To get to the same side.

Solve for XX

Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties? A: Because you should never drink and derive.

Law of Diminishing Returns

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

What do You Call a Line…

Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A: a receding hare-line.

Jokes Every Vegan Should Know

What do you call a dumb carnivore? A meathead.   How many carnivores does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to stay in 
the dark.   How...

Did You Hear About the Vegan Devil…

Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper? He sold his soul to seitan.

Why Does Vegan Cheese Taste…

Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad? A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.

The Time Traveler Protest

T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH  @johnfreiler

Crossword Puzzle Answers You’d Never get Right:

• Star of Gravity (Newton) • You say potato, I say __(carbsmakemefat) • Turned water into wine (ernestandjulio) • Number of wheels on an 18-wheeler (goingtoofasttocount) • Etsy, Russian (nyetsy) Source: Esquire

Grandma, How You’ve Changed!

During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes. “Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother. “Yes, it...

How Do You Get Down…

Q: How do you get down from an elephant? A: You don't. You get down from a goose.

She Shoots, She Scores!

Why should you never breakup with a goalie? Because he's a keeper.

Why Are Frogs…

Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them.

The Reader, The Writer, And The Lion

A lion comes across two 
men, one reading and the other 
writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a...

Did You Hear About the New E-reader?

Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and 
Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle. —Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana

Why Do We Tell Actors…

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" Because every play has a cast.

Why Aren’t Dogs…

Q: Why aren't dogs good dancers? A: Because they have two left feet!

What Kind of Coat…

Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on? A: A coat of paint.

Pencil Me In

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Girl: Yes, February 14th.

Dive Right In

What did one boat say to the other? "Are you up for a little row-mance?"

How Many Sheep…

Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater? A: Depends how well they can knit.

Why Do Cows Have Bells…

Q: Why do cows have bells? A: Because their horns don't work.

What Did the Doctor…

Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient? A: "I can't see you today."

A Juggler, a Tightrope Walker, and a Clown…

Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and...

Why Did the Bacteria…

Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? A: To get to the other slide.

Why Are Football Stadiums…

Q: Why are football stadiums so cool? A: Because every seat has a fan in it!

Why Is Six Afraid…

Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven? A: Because seven ate nine!

A chilling realization

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight. Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

A police officer pulled over a guy…

A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?” The driver said, “You buyin’?”

Two babies are sitting in their cribs…

Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?” The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how...

I saw a documentary on…

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting. —Stewart Francis

When I was a child…

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks. —Stewart Francis

What Do You Call an Old…

Q: What do you call an old snowman?   A: Water!

A Little Levity

I'm reading a great book about antigravity—I just can't put it down.

No Umbrellas at the North Pole?

Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet? A: Because they are rain deer.

Reindeer Lessons

Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school? That's right—he was elf taught.