Corny Jokes

Q: Knock Knock

A: Who’s there?

Q: Felix.

A: Felix who?

Q: Felixausted, let me in!

Q: Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

A: That’s just how I roll.

Q: Erin, spell mouse.
A: M O U S.
Q: Yes–and what’s on the end of it?
A: A tail?

I can’t stand Russian nesting dolls. They’re so full of themselves.

Rick Astley will let you borrow most of his Pixar movies, but he’s never gonna give you Up.

(Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot 
explanations.

• The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx

• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry.  @eserunsalan

• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.     @generalist

• Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.     @DanSlott

• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet.    @SueChainzz

From the Twitter feed #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected]

• My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected]

• My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected]

From quora.com

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day.

Humorist Tom Parry

Q: What kind of exercise do lazy 
people do?

A: Diddly-squats.

Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

A few months ago, Hamas 
“arrested” a dolphin for being an 
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason 
magazine came up with titles for
 the film this action might inspire:

• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:

• Grimm Scarytales

• Pain Eyre

• Pippi Longstompings

Source: bookriot.com

I think it’s pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

I’m trying to get into classical 
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.

Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

@dinokitten

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

Demetri Martin

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016!

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on 
a chair in place of a closet or dresser.

Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.

Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.

Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to 
a text.

Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

Source: viralthread.com

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”

Comedian Matt Wohlfarth