Corny Jokes

A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted.

A few months ago, Hamas 
“arrested” a dolphin for being an 
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason 
magazine came up with titles for
 the film this action might inspire:

• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:

• Grimm Scarytales

• Pain Eyre

• Pippi Longstompings

Source: bookriot.com

I think it’s pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

I’m trying to get into classical 
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.

Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

@dinokitten

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

Demetri Martin

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016!

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on 
a chair in place of a closet or dresser.

Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.

Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.

Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to 
a text.

Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

Source: viralthread.com

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”

Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.

Mary thinks a second before 
replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town.

Jimmy Kimmel

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Seen on reddit.com

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while 
applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two 
police officers and a psychiatrist.

Submitted by Nancy L. Clark, 
Points, West Virginia

Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

Comedian Adam Gropman

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

anonymous