One-Liners

Tim Siedell on The Revenant

The Revenant (2015). 
An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to 
do whatever it takes to 
finally win an Oscar.

@badbanana (Tim Siedell)

Aaron Fullerton on Spelling

We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important 
to teach them that there’s no a in 
definitely.

Humorist Aaron Fullerton

Honest Brand Slogans

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by 
a corporation.”

Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”

CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”

Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”

ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”

Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”

Source: honestslogans.com

Fluent in Ink

I think it’s pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

The Smell of Confusion

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

@bridger_w 
(Bridger Winegar)

DUN DUN

The Complete Law and Order boxed set is now available for only $300. The perfect gift for someone unaware of the existence of USA 
Network.

@EliBraden, comedian

Mild, Mild West

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Seen on reddit.com

Doggoned Dumb

A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, 
injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”

Andy Kindler

Arachni-date

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

@FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)

Short on Class

“Don’t worry; I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” 
- Cargo Shorts

@DearAnyone (Artie Johann)

Parenting Is Easy—I Swear!

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, 
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and 
at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.

Comedian Mark Chalifoux

Duper Man

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

@Robfee

Steven Wright on Tourism

I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year.

Steven Wright

A Brow Beating

I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

Fractured Fairy Tales

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson 
(@kolchak)

 

• I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”?  —Ricky Gervais

 

• Cinderella’s 
fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and 
a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.
• Old McDonald was dyslexic, 
I-E-I-E-O.  —Billy Connolly

 

• And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was.    —@andrewhibbard

 

• My wife said she wanted 
a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —@tonycowards

Thanks, MapQuest

MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Aaron Karo, from ruminations.com

Misfortune Cookie

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

The Funniest Person in The World

The Laugh Factory in Los 
Angeles invited comedians from around the globe to join its Funniest Person in the World Contest. Here are some finalists:

• In Paris, I am driving a Smart car, you know, the very tiny one. But I don’t do it much, because it’s too dangerous. I could get run over by a pedestrian.    Mustapha El Atrassi, France

• Have you noticed that all bottled water has the “best before” date printed on it? The water has circled the earth for four billion years … 
but now it’s ruined?   Ismo Leikola, Finland

• This is the tenth anniversary of my comedy career. It’s also the anniversary of my father begging me not to do comedy.
Nitin Mirani, United Arab Emirates

Watch Your Sodium

I’m at the age where I can’t take anything with a grain of salt.

Submitted by comedian Matt Wohlfarth

What Febreze Really Means

Febreze air fresheners: for people who are like, “Cover a smell instead of cleaning it? Yes, I’m OK with that.”

Erin Whitehead @girlwithatail

Parenting Fads According to The Onion

The latest parenting fads, 
according to the Onion:

• Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become 
a partner in a successful law firm.

• Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician.

• As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.

Airport Insecurity

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news.

“[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan

“He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through 
security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show

Notable Never-isms

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford

• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine

• Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry

• Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck

• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding

• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin 
Crisp

Snappy Answers to Bad Résumés

Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros:

• Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.)

• Tools: “Human brain 1.0.” (We’ll wait for the upgrade.)

• References: “My landscaper.” 
(A reference who will give you two green thumbs up.)

• Date of Employment: “2002–9999.” (She’s earned her gold watch!)

• Experience: “Worked successfully on a team of one.” (I assume you all got along?)

From resumania.com and Robert Half

Dad Jokes from Granddad

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get 
less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”

They’ll probably laugh later.

Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee

A Fun-Size Quibble

When it comes 
to candy bars, the term fun-sized 
is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: 
“disappointment-sized.”

Jimmy Kimmel

Facial Deduction

Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me with no beard. Then he looks at me and goes, “You grow a beard?”

No, I shave my photos.

Sean Morey

Pick a 'Vember, Any 'Vember

While you’re honoring Movember by not shaving for prostate cancer awareness, I’ll be celebrating Doughvember, the pizza month I made up.

@ChrisThayerSays

Air Force Truisms

“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”

“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”

“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”

“Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”

A Moment of Reflection

I shave each morning in front 
of my car’s passenger-side mirror. That way, I get a closer shave than 
it actually appears.

Submitted by Philip Rogers, 
Latham, New York

Start Over, Por Favor?

After 12 years of therapy, 
my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Inglés.”

Comedian Ronnie Shakes

Prepare for Takeoff

Did you know a bird is the only animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it?

Comedian Sean O’Connor

Doing The Man Dance

If you’ve seen me impatiently standing in line, then you’ve seen 
me dancing at a concert.
@SammyRhodes

The Maximum-Security Bathroom

If a company’s most valuable 
resource is its people, how come 
the employees aren’t locked up, 
but the toilet paper is in a 
reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

Mark Severin, from humorlabs.com

The Other Mortal Coils

I told the kids I never want to 
live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from 
a bottle. So they unplugged my 
computer and threw out my wine.

Submitted by Beverly McLaughlin, 
Burnsville, Minnesota

Psyched Out

I spent four years in 
college. I didn’t learn 
a thing. It was really 
my own fault. I had 
a double major 
in psychology 
and reverse 
psychology.

B. J. Novak, who says he was 
hired as a writer 
for The Office 
on the strength 
of the joke above.

Gorgeous George

I don’t think George 
Clooney has 
a bathroom mirror, just a note taped to the wall that says “Don’t worry about it.”

Comedian 
Eli Yudin

Camera Nostalgia

One time, a guy handed me a 
picture and said, “Here’s a picture 
of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.

Comedian Mitch Hedberg

You’re Never Alone

If you’re the sole survivor of the Apocalypse, go to your gym. There’ll be somebody at the locker right next to yours.

@bazecraze (Alex Baze)

My Food’s Food

“There must be a mistake: you’ve accidentally given me the food my food eats.” —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables

Parks and Recreation

Taking The Cake

“You can’t have your cake and 
eat it too.”—People who don’t understand what cake 
is for.

—@ShiraSelko

A Beef With Tapas

Guess what, tapas: You’re the exact Venn diagram midpoint of my two least favorite things 
in the world: small portions and sharing 
with anybody.

—@EireannDolan

Gigs In Space

Lady Gaga is now saying that sometime in 2015 she will actually perform a concert from space. It’s 
always so much fun when artists 
do a show in their hometown.

—Jimmy Fallon, 
on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Composing An Insult

How classical maestros also used their batons to stab each other in the back:

•“If he had been making shell 
casings during the war, it might 
have made for better music.”
Camille Saint-Saëns, on Maurice Ravel

•“Wagner has beautiful moments but awful quarters of an hour.”
Gioachino Rossini, on Richard Wagner

•“I liked the opera very much. 
Everything but the music.”
Benjamin Britten, on Igor Stravinsky

—Source: classicfm.com

Research has Found…

Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you.

—Jimmy Fallon

Non-Belieber

“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next for your career?”

—Zach Galifianakis to Justin Bieber in an episode of Between Two Ferns

Words Save Lives

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.

—Comedian John McDowell

New York Strait of Mind

“The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.”

—Jimmy Fallon

Founding Fallacy

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.

—Stephen Colbert

A Diamond Key

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

—Joan Rivers

Car Troubles

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

—George Carlin

What Poor Timing

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.

—Garrison Keillor

Hey Kid…

Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.

—Paula Poundstone

Which is More Useful?

A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.

—Josh Hodgman

He Never Said Best Friend…

Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them.

—John Hodgman

The Truth about Unhappiness

As my mom has said, when one person is unhappy, it usually means two people are unhappy but that one has not come to terms with it yet.

—Mindy Kaling

Some Like it Hot

Another old saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold. But it feels best served piping hot, straight out of the oven of outrage.

—Mindy Kaling

A Liberal Appetite

I found out that the only reason my dad is a Democrat is because the Democratic club he went to had free unlimited beer.

@jimmyfallon #mycrazydad

Tweeter’s Digest: Just Chill

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

@TheNardvark

Do people who say “Exercise helps me relax” know about not exercising?

@RobinMcCauley

To Serve and Reflect

I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was, I should cut my bangs.

Comedian Bonnie McFarlane

Let’s “Like” Uncertainty

I realized my little nephew will never know life without Facebook. He’ll never know what it’s like to go, “I wonder what happened to that guy Chris from high school?” and then just shrug his shoulders and move on.

Comedian Ophira Eisenberg

Fried and True

All I want is for people to be as excited to see me as they are when finding a curly fry amongst their regular ones.

—@thejohnblog

Girls love french fries. But only if they didn’t order them.

—@nickspears

Boo!

I think my parents have become ghost hunters, because every room they go in they think is cold. 


—Comedian Matt Weinhold

Pen in Cheek

Here are intentionally bad first lines from nonexistent novels, courtesy of the annual Lyttle 
Lytton Contest:

“Agent Jeffrey’s trained eyes rolled carefully around the room, taking in the sights and sounds.”

“It was a beautiful night, and the full moon glew like it had never glown before.”

“‘BOOM!’ said the bomb very loudly.”

“‘Ooh la la!’ whispered Larry in French.”

“She had the kind of face that made you want to say, ‘Hey, look 
at your face!’”

One-Topping Mind

Did you ever notice that from the time you hang up the phone until the pizza guy shows up, the only conversation you have is “Where’s the guy with our pizza?”

—Comedian Bob Marley

Want that Supersized?

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. “You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich.”

—Jim Gaffigan

Congratulations! Now, about Me…

Stephen Colbert to students at the University of Virginia: “Your generation needs everything to be about you, and that’s very upsetting to us baby boomers because self-absorption is sort of our thing.”

The Only Way to Go

I don’t want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don’t have to finish it.

—Tim Siedell (@badbanana on Twitter)

A Common Enemy

Even though I’m from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees.

Conan O’Brien

Cursed Words

“I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you 
remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.

Aaron Karo, on ruminations.com

Spoken Like a Harvard Grad

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men, and I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.—Conan O’Brien

Family Feud?

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.—Phyllis Diller

Out of Work?

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.—Slappy White

Funny Definition

Tragedy is when I cut my finger, but comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.—Mel Brooks

Even in HD

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.—Fred Allen

The Meaning of Life

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.—Fred Allen

Barkeep!

I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.—Fred Allen

Woes of Being a Writer

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.—Fred Allen

Take a Hike!

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.—Fred Allen

Short-Term Memory

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can’t remember what the third thing is.—Fred Allen

Remember Me

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.—Woody Allen

All I Really Need

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.—Jack Benny

Howmanywasthat?

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded, but the trouble is I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.—George Burns

Church Chuckle

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.—George Burns

Free Ride

A woman drove me to drink—and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her.—W.C. Fields

Bob Hope Classic!

I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.—Bob Hope

Proud Mom

I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don’t want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it’s doing.

A Quiet Group

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

Out With the New

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

Phone Book

I’m coming out with a condensed phone book. It has only one number in it: 411.

Ruminations

Ruminations.com asks its users to reflect upon everyday life. Here are three observations everyone can relate to:

Forgetting an e-mail attachment is the 21st-century version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside.

Is anyone else as apprehensive about throwing out a shoe box as I am?

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is how I can’t wait for them to finish so I can tell my own story, which not only is better but also more directly involves me.

Funny Fictional Fiction

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the “best” from the past year.

As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, “Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead.”
–Dennis Pearce

Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe, and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, “There goes the most noble among men”—in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur. –Tom Wallace

Smart Soles

Never trust a man with a tassel on his loafer. It’s like, What, did your foot just graduate?

Help Wanted

A touching tribute to a waitress, spotted outside a local restaurant: "RIP Sandy. We will miss you. Server needed."

Inspiring Job

If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated, why are they still working in a poster factory?

Mirror Image

Always weird to meet your stunt double. It’s like looking into a mirror where the other you took care of yourself.

Speed Reader

I don’t know how to speed-read. Instead, I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward.

Breaking Up

You know you’re dating the wrong guy when your friend steals your boyfriend and all you can think is, What does she see in him?

Everything Bagels

Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can’t keep.

Job Change

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Being Honest

Overheard in a ladies’ fitting room: “Honestly, do these pants make my rear end look big?”

“Honestly? Your rear end makes the pants look big.”

Big Problem

My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.

Role Playing

My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she’s been playing my ex-girlfriend.

Magician

I got mugged by a magician. It’s not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.

No In-Laws

Marry an orphan: You’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Bad Breath

We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings: “Well, I’m bored. Let’s go brush our teeth.” Or, “I’ve got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth.”

Quips From P. G. Wodehouse

In honor of British humorist P. G. Wodehouse’s 128th birthday, a few choice quips from his books:

"He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when.’ "

"Golf, like measles, should be caught young."

"She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel."

"You look white and shaken, like a dry martini."

Motivational Tactics

A survey sent out to our contractors posed the question "What motivates you to come to work every day?" One guy answered, "Probation officer."

Ever Wonder…

Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?

Eternally Optimistic

During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance. This was the winning entry: "I put a cheerful countenance on people every day." It was submitted by our local funeral director.

 

A Meaningful Question

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!

 

Always Silent

If you arrest a mime, do you still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

 

 

Going and Going

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It’s called On & On Anon.

 

 

Small Dog

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

Contradiction

Seen on the door of a repair shop:

WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn’t work.)

50 Funniest Jokes

Check out our collection of some of the funniest jokes ever! These short, laugh out loud jokes are some of the best that the Reader’s Digest editors sample each month while reading through the thousands of new joke submissions that come piling in.

Doctor, Doctor
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter
lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

Timing Is Everything
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!”
The guy replies, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away
at age 65,” the newspaper obit read. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50.”
—Merrill Markoe, Late Night With David Letterman, The Book (Villard)

What’s in a Name?
A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”
“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”

Quacking Up
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.”

The duck replies, “Put it on my bill!”

Who’s Counting?
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
12,001. That’s one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Explosively Funny
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, “My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?”

A soothing voice at the other end says, “Don’t worry, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.”
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. “Okay,” he says nervously to the operator. “What do I do next?”

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
“But you can’t!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?”

Say a Little Prayer
Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer ………… and some of those peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?”
“Nothing. She’s just having contractions.”

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food.”

The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Fore!
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.

As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer’s friends asked, “How did you do that?”
The golfer shrugged. “You have to know the bus schedule.”

Not Fade Away

  • Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
  • Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
  • Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
  • Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
  • Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.Live and Learn
    Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. “Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.
    “Sadness,” he replied.
    “The opposite of depression?” he asked
    another student.
    “Elation,” he replied.
    “The opposite of woe?” the prof asked a young woman from Texas.

    The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”

    Man’s Best Friend
    A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
    “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie.
    “I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

    Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?

    A: They have two left feet.

    Next Time, Let’s Stay in a Hotel
    Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
    “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

    The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
    “He says you’re gonna die.”

    Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
    Pun American Newsletter

    Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who’s going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
    “Break it to her gently,” they all urge.
    “Leave it to me,” he says.
    When Smith’s wife comes to the door, Anderson says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
    “How much?” the wife yells, eyes blazing. “Tell him to drop dead!”

    What’s Black and White and …
    A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

    A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
    “Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

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