Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
Gordie Howe, hockey player
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.
—Michael Ian Black, from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)
“Next time I send a damn fool, I go myself.”
—Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Comedian Dick Gregory
A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
The Revenant (2015). An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to do whatever it takes to finally win an Oscar.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell)
Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times.
@thenatewolf (Nathan Usher)
If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
Drama: a word boring people use to describe fun people.
@jennyandteets (Jenny Mollen)
“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.”
Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. OK, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season.
@sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)
Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night, day.
Humorist Tom Parry
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
@MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)
We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no a in definitely.
Humorist Aaron Fullerton
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
Businessman Stanley Randall
Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.
I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
Bonnie McFarlane, from You’re Better Than Me
Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.”
Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”
CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”
Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”
ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”
Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
Humorist Reid Kerr
I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
I’m trying to get into classical music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.
Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com
Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
@michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
@bridger_w (Bridger Winegar)
We get it, poets: Things are like other things.
@shutupmikeginn (Mike Ginn)
Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up.
@SeanWhiteComedy (Sean Gilbert White)
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
“We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” —Dog mom
Alex Baze (@bazecraze)
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog. Then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
The Complete Law and Order boxed set is now available for only $300. The perfect gift for someone unaware of the existence of USA Network.
My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as I answer the phone “Hello?”
Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.
@jakeandamir (Amir Blumenfeld)
Triscuit is the perfect combination of cracker and doormat.
@1CarParade (Jason Gelles)
Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up oatmeal cookies before noon?”
Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
Hate to break it to you, Facebook, but the entire Internet is already a Dislike button.
My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Seen on reddit.com
I’d rather spend ten minutes rearranging the dishwasher to accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Comedian Adam Gropman
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
@1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.
@ceejoyner (Chris Joyner)
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
@RowdyBowden (derek lawler)
Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
@FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)
“Don’t worry; I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” - Cargo Shorts
@DearAnyone (Artie Johann)
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.
Comedian Mark Chalifoux
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year.
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
There’s no “I” in denial.
I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.
I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story about a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel.
My favorite game is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?”
A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
Comedian Rich Hall
There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.
Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), on Downton Abbey
Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.
Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a kid. Ninety-nine percent of the time, sit and do nothing. One percent of the time, SAVE SOMEONE’S LIFE.
Jake Weisman (@weismanjake)
This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say “Get a life” on them.
I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.
• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson (@kolchak)
• I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”? —Ricky Gervais
fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and
a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.
• Old McDonald was dyslexic, I-E-I-E-O. —Billy Connolly
• And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was. —@andrewhibbard
• My wife said she wanted a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —@tonycowards
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
Comedian Paul Rodriguez
MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Aaron Karo, from ruminations.com
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island
The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles invited comedians from around the globe to join its Funniest Person in the World Contest. Here are some finalists:
• In Paris, I am driving a Smart car, you know, the very tiny one. But I don’t do it much, because it’s too dangerous. I could get run over by a pedestrian. Mustapha El Atrassi, France
• Have you noticed that all bottled water has the “best before” date printed on it? The water has circled the earth for four billion years … but now it’s ruined? Ismo Leikola, Finland
• This is the tenth anniversary of my comedy career. It’s also the anniversary of my father begging me not to do comedy.
Nitin Mirani, United Arab Emirates
I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
• What is the sound of no hands texting?
• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
• To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who’s boss.
The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.
I’m at the age where I can’t take anything with a grain of salt.
Submitted by comedian Matt Wohlfarth
Febreze air fresheners: for people who are like, “Cover a smell instead of cleaning it? Yes, I’m OK with that.”
Erin Whitehead @girlwithatail
My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.
Oh man, just did some serious cleaning in here. You could totally eat off this table.
Matthew O’Brien @mattOB34
You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.
Stoop sale this Sunday, 12 to 4 p.m. Throwing all my crap in the garbage this Sunday, 4:15 p.m.
Ritch Duncan @ritchied
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
The star of Cake Boss was arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
Comedian Joe Toplyn
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
The latest parenting fads, according to the Onion:
• Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become a partner in a successful law firm.
• Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician.
• As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.
The cool part about naming your kid is you don’t have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news.
“[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan
“He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I had to do it only three times a week. This every-day thing is overkill.
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
• Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top. —Dave Barry
• Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck
• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”
This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.
Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros:
• Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.)
• Tools: “Human brain 1.0.” (We’ll wait for the upgrade.)
• References: “My landscaper.” (A reference who will give you two green thumbs up.)
• Date of Employment: “2002–9999.” (She’s earned her gold watch!)
• Experience: “Worked successfully on a team of one.” (I assume you all got along?)
From resumania.com and Robert Half
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?
Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”
They’ll probably laugh later.
Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee
Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye.
The Olympics remind us that no matter what country we may be from, we all look dumb using an iPad as a camera.
What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West?
Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige.
Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.
The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.
Throw him into the mainstream.
Submitted by Jesse Rehn, Green Bay, Wisconsin
I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks.
… I was in a coma for two years, until a nurse played one of his songs on the radio in my room, and I had to wake up to turn it off.
My biggest problem with time travel is: How many days would you pack for?
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.
I’m on the Paleo diet, except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers.
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not, and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?”
I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?
When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”
“I have a beard.” —a bald-faced liar
Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard … or is it just so you don’t lose your place?
When the comments turn from “Hey! I really like your beard!” into “Hey! … A beard!”
Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me with no beard. Then he looks at me and goes, “You grow a beard?”
No, I shave my photos.
While you’re honoring Movember by not shaving for prostate cancer awareness, I’ll be celebrating Doughvember, the pizza month I made up.
I won’t be shaving this November, in order to raise awareness for how lazy I am.
Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet.
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”
“Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”
Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour. Apparently, the engines are powered by human screams.
I shave each morning in front of my car’s passenger-side mirror. That way, I get a closer shave than it actually appears.
Submitted by Philip Rogers, Latham, New York
After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Inglés.”
Comedian Ronnie Shakes
In Heaven, you get back all the Chapsticks you lost.
Did you know a bird is the only animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it?
Comedian Sean O’Connor
One hard thing to explain to teens is how legitimately exciting it used to be when someone would wheel in an overhead projector.
When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.
If you’ve seen me impatiently standing in line, then you’ve seen
me dancing at a concert.
If a company’s most valuable
resource is its people, how come
the employees aren’t locked up,
but the toilet paper is in a
reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?
Mark Severin, from humorlabs.com
I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training. I set out a roach bomb—they defused it.
—Comedian Jay London
A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?
If you can’t beat them, arrange
to have them beaten.
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in a jar for five years.
Can a 3-D printer make ink
cartridges for a 2-D printer?
Comedian Joe Mande
I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.
Submitted by Beverly McLaughlin, Burnsville, Minnesota
Happy One-year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts.
Comedian Myq Kaplan
I never feel more privileged than when I get angry about a website design.
Comedian Kelly Oxford
Before LinkedIn, I didn’t know any strangers.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.
I bet cats have a secret website where they upload clips of cute humans trying to open DVD packaging and jump-start cars.
I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food.
I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and inconvenient, until one day the
I use their website.
The only people who don’t click Skip on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
Submitted by reader D. T.
I’m thinking of opening a firing range where all the targets are shaped like computers with screens full of pop-up ads.
Comedian Dan Burt
“Ohhh, bless you … Bless you … Riiiight. Because you’re special air.” —A burp to a sneeze
Comedian Andrew Hibbard
The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.
Comedian Julius Sharpe
Give a man a fish, and he’ll Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.
Submitted by M. R.
I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
B. J. Novak, who says he was hired as a writer for The Office on the strength of the joke above.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
Give me a one-handed economist! All my economists say, “On the one hand … on the other.”
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
I don’t think George
a bathroom mirror, just a note taped to the wall that says “Don’t worry about it.”
Comedian Eli Yudin
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all the credit.
@ludwig (Ludwig Pettersson)
People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there.
One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All.”
It was so hot in Beverly Hills, people were frying egg whites on the sidewalk.
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
Hold, Brothers, Hold … CHARGE!!! (Ice at the bottom of my cup)
“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano
Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
I got all my looks from my father. Mostly just the look of disappointment.
If you’re the sole survivor of the Apocalypse, go to your gym. There’ll be somebody at the locker right next to yours.
@bazecraze (Alex Baze)
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum…
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway.
“There must be a mistake: you’ve accidentally given me the food my food eats.” —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables
Parks and Recreation
T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Comedian Demetri Martin
Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I’m not ready but the panic will help me make a decision.
I don’t want to say we eat out a lot, but I’ve noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car.
“You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”—People who don’t understand what cake is for.
Guess what, tapas: You’re the exact Venn diagram midpoint of my two least favorite things in the world: small portions and sharing with anybody.
Bacon was definitely the first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new knitting. The woman across from me could have finished a cardigan by now.
—Greg Preece, on humorlabs.com
The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
—Comedian Mike Birbiglia
Next time somebody complains about millennials, remind him which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.
I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.
Lady Gaga is now saying that sometime in 2015 she will actually perform a concert from space. It’s always so much fun when artists do a show in their hometown.
—Jimmy Fallon, on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
How classical maestros also used their batons to stab each other in the back:
•“If he had been making shell
casings during the war, it might
have made for better music.”
Camille Saint-Saëns, on Maurice Ravel
•“Wagner has beautiful moments but awful quarters of an hour.”
Gioachino Rossini, on Richard Wagner
•“I liked the opera very much.
Everything but the music.”
Benjamin Britten, on Igor Stravinsky
What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses your path? Will I have adorably bad luck?
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have nothing but a gross penny you found in some filthy parking lot.
Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s bad luck to deal with Australians.
For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.
Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you.
Where are all the Sour Patch parents?
—Comedian Bo Burnham
“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next for your career?”
—Zach Galifianakis to Justin Bieber in an episode of Between Two Ferns
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza for dinner tonight. (It was a raw tomato.)
My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.”
Brad Hamer, on ruminate.com
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.
It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly look at their phones to check their stats.
I prefer the tight yoga pants football players wear over the frumpy businesswoman slacks baseball players wear.
Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show.
My dad didn’t text me after the Patriots game, which is basically a Life Alert signal if you’re from New England.
The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is.
Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands.
There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster.
I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life.
User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”
“One can play at this game …” —me to my computer solitaire.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.
Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has obviously never had to pump before.
Vanessa Marchal, Marion, Illinois
I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to ‘I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.’ I literally never have to respond to e-mails again.
It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.
—Comedian John McDowell
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
“The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.”
If men have a smell, it’s usually an accident.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it’s just three more years that you’ll want a doughnut.
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.
If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.
I’m reading a great book about antigravity—I just can’t put it down.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks, and babies aren’t liars like you and me.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant … because I believe in myself.
I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should’ve been more specific.
Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Equations are the devil’s sentences.
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Clones are people two.
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?
Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
An aye for an aye makes the whole world pirates.
A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A feminist jumps out of a manhole … oh, and she didn’t like that.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should’ve been more specific.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who has accidentally napped.
You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.
Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot
Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people.
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can’t remember what the third thing is.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Any kid’ll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
You don’t pay taxes—they take taxes.
Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost.
When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?
When in doubt, look intelligent.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook.
The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.
Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the first word you thought of.
A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie.
Something very sad about the fact that I haven’t read Moby Dick, but I have read the Kindergarten Cop Wikipedia page.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs.
—Daniel J. Boorstin
Never eat more than you can lift.
Maybe fear is God’s way of saying, “Pay attention, this could be fun.”
I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.
I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.
Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them.
Forgive your enemies—if you can’t get back at them any other way.
—Franklin P. Jones
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
Country music has always been the best shrink that 15 bucks can buy.
As my mom has said, when one person is unhappy, it usually means two people are unhappy but that one has not come to terms with it yet.
Another old saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold. But it feels best served piping hot, straight out of the oven of outrage.
I found out that the only reason my dad is a Democrat is because the Democratic club he went to had free unlimited beer.
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.
Do people who say “Exercise helps me relax” know about not exercising?
I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was, I should cut my bangs.
Comedian Bonnie McFarlane
I realized my little nephew will never know life without Facebook. He’ll never know what it’s like to go, “I wonder what happened to that guy Chris from high school?” and then just shrug his shoulders and move on.
Comedian Ophira Eisenberg
So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, “Beer, please, and one for the road.”
I think my parents have become ghost hunters, because every room they go in they think is cold.
—Comedian Matt Weinhold
Here are intentionally bad first lines from nonexistent novels, courtesy of the annual Lyttle Lytton Contest:
“Agent Jeffrey’s trained eyes rolled carefully around the room, taking in the sights and sounds.”
“It was a beautiful night, and the full moon glew like it had never glown before.”
“‘BOOM!’ said the bomb very loudly.”
“‘Ooh la la!’ whispered Larry in French.”
“She had the kind of face that made you want to say, ‘Hey, look at your face!’”
Did you ever notice that from the time you hang up the phone until the pizza guy shows up, the only conversation you have is “Where’s the guy with our pizza?”
—Comedian Bob Marley
Just want to thank my mail carrier for delivering my recycling directly to my house.
Some of my proudest moments have been when a website told me my password was “Very Strong.”
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. “You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich.”
Stephen Colbert to students at the University of Virginia: “Your generation needs everything to be about you, and that’s very upsetting to us baby boomers because self-absorption is sort of our thing.”
Old lawyers never die; they just lose their appeal.
Old daredevils never die; they just get discouraged.
Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.
I don’t want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don’t have to finish it.
—Tim Siedell (@badbanana on Twitter)
Even though I’m from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees.
“I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
—Aaron Karo, on ruminations.com
Nobody wants a pain reliever that’s anything less than extra-strength: “Give me the maximum-allowable dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.”
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men, and I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.—Conan O’Brien
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.—Phyllis Diller
Don’t let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.—Mae West
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.—Milton Berle
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.—Slappy White
Tragedy is when I cut my finger, but comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.—Mel Brooks
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.—Fred Allen
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.—Fred Allen
I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.—Fred Allen
I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.—Fred Allen
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.—Fred Allen
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can’t remember what the third thing is.—Fred Allen
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.—Erma Bombeck
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.—Dorothy Parker
Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.—Dorothy Parker
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.—Groucho Marx
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.—Woody Allen
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.—Jack Benny
I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.—Jack Benny
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded, but the trouble is I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.—George Burns
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.—George Burns
A woman drove me to drink—and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her.—W.C. Fields
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.—Bob Hope
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.—Henny Youngman
“I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this more interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”
I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don’t want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it’s doing.
I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.
Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t everything free?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I’m coming out with a condensed phone book. It has only one number in it: 411.
Ruminations.com asks its users to reflect upon everyday life. Here are three observations everyone can relate to:
Forgetting an e-mail attachment is the 21st-century version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside.
Is anyone else as apprehensive about throwing out a shoe box as I am?
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is how I can’t wait for them to finish so I can tell my own story, which not only is better but also more directly involves me.
When someone tells you that something defies description, you can be pretty sure he’s going to have a go at it anyway.
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the “best” from the past year.
As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, “Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead.”
Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe, and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, “There goes the most noble among men”—in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur. –Tom Wallace
"I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what—never again.”
Never trust a man with a tassel on his loafer. It’s like, What, did your foot just graduate?
I have a bad attitude. When I was a kid, I wore Lex Luthor underwear.
“What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?” I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, “An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute.”
My parents sent me to military school in Switzerland. There they taught me how to be neutral.
I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations. What do their screen savers look like?
A touching tribute to a waitress, spotted outside a local restaurant: "RIP Sandy. We will miss you. Server needed."
If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated, why are they still working in a poster factory?
Always weird to meet your stunt double. It’s like looking into a mirror where the other you took care of yourself.
I don’t know how to speed-read. Instead, I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward.
You know you’re dating the wrong guy when your friend steals your boyfriend and all you can think is, What does she see in him?
Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can’t keep.
The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."
The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.
My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realized he was her favorite twin.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
A sign outside a nursery: "It’s spring! We’re so excited, we wet our plants!"
Overheard in a ladies’ fitting room: “Honestly, do these pants make my rear end look big?”
“Honestly? Your rear end makes the pants look big.”
My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she’s been playing my ex-girlfriend.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I got mugged by a magician. It’s not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.
Why was the opera singer arrested? He got into treble.
My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.
Marry an orphan: You’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.
We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings: “Well, I’m bored. Let’s go brush our teeth.” Or, “I’ve got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth.”
In honor of British humorist P. G. Wodehouse’s 128th birthday, a few choice quips from his books:
"He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when.’ "
"Golf, like measles, should be caught young."
"She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel."
"You look white and shaken, like a dry martini."
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
—Comedian Reid Faylor (@reidfaylor )
A survey sent out to our contractors posed the question "What motivates you to come to work every day?" One guy answered, "Probation officer."
Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
Apéritif: French for "a set of dentures."
The meek shall inherit the earth … if it’s okay with the rest of you.
Our hometown baseball team is called the Possums. They get killed on the road.
Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?
During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance. This was the winning entry: "I put a cheerful countenance on people every day." It was submitted by our local funeral director.
Q: Where does a one-armed man shop?
A: At a secondhand store.
Q: Where does a king keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!
A passing septic service truck declared "19,500 lbs. of very gross weight."
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!
Q. What did the Zero say to the Eight?
A. "Nice belt!"
If you arrest a mime, do you still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It’s called On & On Anon.
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
What do you call a rap star who has studied classical music?
Yo Yo Ma Ma.
Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, they spell "THEIRS"?
What do you get from a pampered cow?…Spoiled milk.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?…Dam!
Seen on the door of a repair shop:
WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn’t work.)
Check out our collection of some of the funniest jokes ever! These short, laugh out loud jokes are some of the best that the Reader’s Digest editors sample each month while reading through the thousands of new joke submissions that come piling in.
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I sav