One-Liners

I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don't want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it's doing.

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

If the customer is always right, then why isn’t everything free?

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

I’m coming out with a condensed phone book. It has only one number in it: 411.

When someone tells you that something defies description, you can be pretty sure he’s going to have a go at it anyway.

"I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what—never again.”

Never trust a man with a tassel on his loafer. It’s like, What, did your foot just graduate?

I have a bad attitude. When I was a kid, I wore Lex Luthor underwear.