Dog Jokes

Share these dog jokes that will leave everyone barking for more.

Dogs are a man’s best friend. Impress any dog lover with these funny dog jokes, dog jokes for kids and dog puns.

Dog Smarts

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me...

Doggie Dance

Q. Why aren't dogs good dancers? A. Because they have two left feet!

It’s a Ruff Job

Q. How do dog catchers get paid? A. By the pound!

Chemist Dogs

Q: What do chemists' dogs do with their bones? A: They barium!

Running of the Bulldogs

Q: What kind of dog chases anything red? A: A Bulldog.

Bones in Trees?

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? A: Because you can't bury them in trees!

Marine Dog

Q: How are a dog and a marine biologist alike? A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Chilly Chilly

Q: What do you call a cold dog? A: A Chilli Dog.

Dirty Dog

Q: What do you call a black Eskimo dog? A: A dusky husky!

Sheepdog and Jelly

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly? A: The collie wobbles!

Horse Dog

Q: Did you hear about the dog who couldn't stop talking like a horse? A: It was a dog and pony show.

Trusty Dog

Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator? A: A friend you can count on.

Bones Bones Bones

Q: What did the skeleton say to the puppy? A: Bonappetite

Frozen Pup

Q: What do you call a frozen dog? A: A pupsicle.

Pros and Cons Chart

Q: Why did the dog need help on his Pros and Cons chart? A: He was CON-fused!

Namaste Pooch

Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates? A: Aware wolf.

Dog and Bee

Q: What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee? A: A Greyhound Buzz.

Cross Breed

Q: What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog? A: Dingo Starr!

Caller I.D.

Q: What does my dog and my phone have in common? A: They both have collar I.D.

Golden Retriever

Q: What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone? A: A golden receiver!

Fleas

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? A: He stole the show!

Dracula’s Dog

Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have? A: A bloodhound!

Cats Aren’t Winners

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

Parking Lot Dog

Q: Why did the dog cross the road? A: To get to the "barking" lot!

Scottish Terrier

Q: How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster? A: Terrier-fied!

Dog School

Q: What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?

A: They get their masters.

Ice Pup!

Q: What do you call a frozen dog? A: A pupsicle.

Abra Cadabra!

Q: What do you call a dog magician? A: A labracadabrador.

Yikes!

Q: How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster? A: Terrier-fied!

OMMM

Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates? A: Aware wolf.

Funny Mutt

What breed of dog tells 
off-color jokes? A smutt.

You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained...

Jay Leno on Pet Scams

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is...

Rita Rudner on The Perks of Dog Ownership

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner

The Truth About Puppies

Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best. @shutupmikeginn

Dog Mom Is Always Right

“We’re eating 
dinner soon. 
Don’t fill up 
on homework.” 
—Dog mom  Alex Baze (@bazecraze)

Harry Hill on Dog Enthusiasm

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill

The Paradox of Grown-Ups

I spend three minutes every 
day choosing a TV channel 
to leave on for my dog. Then 
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult. @damienfahey

The Case of The Imaginary Dogs

My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir,...

The Calculating Sheepdog

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer....

Reid Faylor on Halloween

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. —Reid Faylor

Doggoned Dumb

A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, 
injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think...

Duper Man

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?” @Robfee

Breeding Doubt

I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?” My client responded,...

Cats Are Smarter

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. —Jeff Valdez

How Lazy is He???

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. —Rodney Dangerfield

A Dog is More Than A Friend

My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum... —Elayne Boosler

A Dachshund Walks Into a Telegraph…

A Dachshund walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk looks over the paper for...

I Hide Photos…

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in 
a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them. @EliTerry

My Favorite Joke: Penn Jillette

Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke: Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other,...

Why Aren’t Dogs…

Q: Why aren't dogs good dancers? A: Because they have two left feet!

A Dog Goes Into…

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.” The dog says, “At these...

A Bird Named Moses

A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus...

Dogs Are People Too!

The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbor tell them, "Hey, dogs bark....

Going to the Dogs

When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can...

Funny Pet Names

Does kitty dream of slinking down the catwalk? If so, give her a name that screams “I’m a star!” Like these actual pet names … Cats Cleocatra Bing Clawsby Chairman...

Beware of Dog

As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor. "Is...

Big Litter

"For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy."

Beware of Dog

This ad in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle was obviously directed toward pet lovers only: "Free to good home, a loving Jack Russell terror dog."