Dumb and Funny Jokes

Make anyone laugh with these stupid funny jokes.

Why so serious? Unleash your silly side and read up on our dumb jokes and stupid but funny jokes.

No Light, No Work

A blonde and a brunette worked in a factory. The brunette says, “I know how to get some time off from work!” “How?” asks the blonde. “Watch this,” says the...

Never All at Once

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. “Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was...

No Commas

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Town Drifter

Q: Why did the town chase out the dead drifter? A: Because he was a deadbeat.

Life Magazine

Q: What is a dead man's favorite magazine? A: Life

He Gets Life

Q: Why was the dead man happy to be sentenced during his trial? A: Because they gave him life.

Health Dangers

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand. As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?” “Yeah, a pack...

Here’s a Q-Tip For You

On our commute to work, my husband stopped at a convenience store for coffee. As he got back into the car, I noticed something odd. “Turn your head and look...

The Angry Pirate

How do you make a pirate furious? Take away the p.

Cold Corner

Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold? A: It's always 90 degrees.

Open-Door Policy

My wife and her friend were out to lunch when the temperature drastically dropped. They stood by her friend’s truck, shivering, while the friend searched for a key to unlock...

The Dumbest Police Calls in America…

From the police blotter, 
or, what a beat cop deals with 
every day: • A deputy responded to a report 
of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. 
It was the mail...

Three Dumb ER Stories You’re Allowed To Laugh At

“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here...

The Mystery Kitchen Utensil…

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I...

Time Zones Are Hard.

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes. The woman asked, 
“Is that 20 minutes...

Design Client From Hell: “Remove That Circle”

Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence. Me: You mean … the period? Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly....

Why Can’t Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the...

Military Pranks Are Scarier Than Bombs

The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com: • Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas •...

An Impossibly Long Leave

An insurance agent called 
our medical office. One of our 
doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form 
for a patient, but, the agent said, the 
patient had altered...

Weird Questions Librarians Hear…

Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: • A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” • “Who...

No Dumb Questions (Except This One)

Just before the final exam in 
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me. “Can you tell me what grade 
I would need to get on the exam 
to...

Guilty of Annoyance

A defendant isn’t happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.” Judge: “What...

Fishing For Whiskey

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink....

Certainly (Undoubtedly, Definitely…)

Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage. @dinokitten

Seriously, How Many Blondes?

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP. @RobinMcCauley

Super Droll, More Like

A first-grade teacher can’t 
believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents...

Jay Leno on Pet Scams

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is...

Not The Smartest Sports Fan

After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and...

Weird Things Librarians Hear

Librarians may be shy, but 
their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests: A patron offered me $100 to steal 
a cactus from somebody’s yard. A patron wanted me to...

Air-Headed

Scene: A radio newsroom. Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air. Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it. Caller: It would be...

Bad Burglars Do This

While on patrol, I arrested a burglar who’d injured himself running from a home. He told me he’d broken in and unhooked the phone before searching for valuables. But he’d...

The Case of The Imaginary Dogs

My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir,...

Pizza Perils

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza: Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza 
& Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread...

How Russian Tour Guides See America

Here’s a guide to American 
culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books: “Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly...

Prime (Minister) Directive

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH...

Good Riddance to Dumb Patients

I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. 
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because,...

An Ocean of Dumb

A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was 
expecting an ocean-view hotel 
room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando...

Workplace Tips for Bond Villains

The James Bond film Spectre opens in November. Writer Peter 
Anspach explains how he’d improve his odds if he were a film villain. • I will not fly into a...

A Horse Of A Different Species

Scene: Horseback-riding stable. Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter. Me: Our horses are very sweet … Mom: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over...

Tiptoe Through The Typos

Gauging from these exam 
excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés. “The costumes were vindictive 
of the style of dance.” “I commend Bill T. Jones for 
his...

Contested Rules

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else. @PeachCoffin

Dumb Clients: A Different Color

Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

The Dumbest Questions from National Park Tourists

What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these: • How much does Mount McKinley weigh? • Would the lightning be faster if 
it...

Test Answers From Smart-Alecky Students

• Q: 
What’s the name of a 
six-sided polygon? A: Sixagon. • Q: 
What part of the body is 
affected by glandular fever? A: The glandular. • Q: 
In The...

Real Excuses Tenants Gave for Not Paying Rent

• “I have to make payments on my BMW and iPhones.” • “You are too wrapped up in the whole concept of ‘money. ’ ” • “So … you’re talking to me...

"What Key Did I Sing in?"

After an impromptu song, our pastor asked the church pianist, “What key did I sing that in?” The pianist replied, “Most of them.” Judy Scheffel, Alpharetta, Georgia

A Dumb Driver's-ed Answer

My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped. 
It might have had something to 
do with how she completed this 
sentence: “When the ______ is...

Spotted on Facebook…

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did 
I do on my research paper? Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in...

Worst Insurance Claims Ever

If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims? “In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.” “I didn’t think the...

She Must Not've Read It…

While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One was George Orwell’s 
Animal Farm. When I went to take it out, I discovered that...

Tattoo 'Tude

A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, 
demanding a...

Tickle-Me Manager

My boss was watching a video of his son. I heard a voice in the background and asked if it was Elmo. 
It was his wife. Source: fmylife.com

Hot-Crossed Pastors

When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation...

Airman Express

My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he passed an airman who didn’t salute. My friend stopped, turned around, and glared at the airman. “Thanks for...

Sgt. Nimrod

I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give...

Piping Up

A Scottish mother visits her 
son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?” “Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor...

Is Your Boss This Dumb?

While taking stock of our 
products, I read aloud the final 
numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device....

The Egg Corn Game

A few years back, a woman wanted 
to use the word acorns. What 
she wrote instead was egg corns, 
and ever since, linguists have had 
a new toy: eggcorns, words...

Mallory Ortberg on Cooking Blogs

Food blogs are rife with pressing questions, helpful hints, and caustic comments from readers. One site took a jaundiced look at what one might expect to find on such boards....

No-sense Sensor

A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting 
unexplainable wind shifts. “Do you know where the sensor is located?” my...

Eggxclaimed in the Office

Employee #1: I wouldn’t eat caviar. That’s fish eggs! Employee #2: I’d try it. After all, I eat chicken eggs. Employee #3: You eat chicken eggs?! Source: overheardintheoffice.com

Bad Work Excuses

Thinking of skipping work? Don’t try these real excuses—they didn’t work the first time. • My false teeth flew out the window while I was driving down the highway. •...

PLEASE Don't Administer Orally

My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.” “Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have...

Which West is that?

“Why did you choose a college so far from home?” I asked my British student. She explained that she’d fallen 
in love with the American West by watching Westerns. So...

Snappy Answers to Bad Résumés

Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros: • Education: “I have...

Does That Come in Super-Size?

A friend was ordering her meal at a drive-through when she noticed she could get a side dish gratis. “And I’ll take the free wiffie also,” she said. “What?” asked...

No—I Prefer to Push

Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car’s tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, “When were you last driving the car?” “Last...

Sharknado Truthers

Scene: A secondhand movie 
exchange ... Me: Do you have the DVD of 
Sharknado? Clerk: Is that a documentary? Lynette Combs, Norfolk, Virginia

Let Minnow

My husband and I were relaxing on lounge chairs on a Jamaica beach, half listening to a couple walking 
ankle deep in the clear water. The woman was extolling the...

Well, That's a Creative Answer…

A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he...

Come Again, Eh?

Scene: My client telling me what was required for the project. Client: “We want a total of eight 
languages—English, French, Spanish, Canadian ...” Source: clientsfromhell.net

Incumbent Imbecile

Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, 
recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a...

"Oh, and It Doesn't Have Arms or Legs."

A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked. “Can you describe it?” I...