Dumb and Funny Jokes

Newest Jokes

Bad Burglars Do This

While on patrol, I arrested a burglar who’d injured himself running from a home. He told me he’d broken in and unhooked the phone before searching for valuables. But he’d panicked when he heard a woman’s voice. I entered the house and heard the same voice: “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again.”

Wilson Hsia, Temple City, California

The Case of The Imaginary Dogs

My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”

The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”

The case was dismissed.

Helen Reynolds, Missoula, Montana

How Russian Tour Guides See America

Here’s a guide to American 
culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books:

“Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.”

“As a rule, the [social] invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.”

“‘See you later’ should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy, 
and no more.”

Source: Mental Floss

Prime (Minister) Directive

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved 
matter,” in Klingon.

Source: bbc.com

An Ocean of Dumb

A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was 
expecting an ocean-view hotel 
room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of 
the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said. 
“I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.”

Source: hotelstories.freeservers.com

Workplace Tips for Bond Villains

The James Bond film Spectre opens in November. Writer Peter 
Anspach explains how he’d improve his odds if he were a film villain.

• I will not fly into a rage and 
kill a messenger who brings me 
bad news just to illustrate how evil 
I am. Good messengers are hard 
to come by.

• My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

• If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have 
to leave the table for any reason, 
I will order new drinks for both 
of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him.

• My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

• When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off.

Source: eviloverlord.com

Tiptoe Through The Typos

Gauging from these exam 
excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés.

“The costumes were vindictive 
of the style of dance.”

“I commend Bill T. Jones for 
his acts of true kindness and 

“Dancers must have long limps.”

“At first, I had a hard time 
understanding and interrupting 
his movement.”

“Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.”

Kathy Dubois, Onalaska, Wisconsin

Test Answers From Smart-Alecky Students

• Q: 
What’s the name of a 
six-sided polygon?

A: Sixagon.

• Q: 
What part of the body is 
affected by glandular fever?

A: The glandular.

• Q: 
In The Tempest, why does 
Ariel sing in Gonzalo’s ear?

She’s a mermaid and wants to be human.

• Q: 
In comparison with large 
hydrocarbons, how would you describe small hydrocarbons?

A: They’re smaller.

• Q: 
Who were the Bolsheviks?

A: A Russian ballet company.

From F in Exams: Pop Quiz, 
by Richard Benson (Chronicle Books)

A Dumb Driver's-ed Answer

My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped. 
It might have had something to 
do with how she completed this 
sentence: “When the ______ is dead, the car won’t start.”

She wrote: “Driver.”

Nathan Hellman, Brooklyn, New York

Spotted on Facebook…

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did 
I do on my research paper?

Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the 
sentences you apparently 
kidnapped in the dead of night 
and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.

More Jokes

Keep the laughs coming every week!

Get our hilarious Funny Reads newsletter

how we use your e-mail