Puns

Raise eyebrows with these clever puns.

Read up on our best puns ever including our word puns and you’ll be punstoppable. (Sorry.)

Librarian Be a Bookkeeper

Could a ... ... librarian be called a bookkeeper? ... referee be a game warden? ... dairyman be a cowboy? ... cabinetmaker be the president? —Submitted by J. Lee

Village Idiom

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom. —Albert Sloan

In a Nutshell

I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell. —Gary Delaney, comedian

Lost Luggage

Q: What happened to the guy who sued over his missing luggage? A: He lost his case.

Book Head

Hal: How did you get hit on the head with a book? Sal: I only have my shelf to blame.

Make Do

Q. What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain? A. I guess we'll just have to make dew.

Stay Off My WiFi

Trying to get online at my mother-in-law’s, I scrolled through various Internet access names. One neighbor’s Wi-Fi really stood out: “You Kids Get Off My LAN!”

Riding Attire

What’s the difference between a  poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

Expensive Wigs

Q: Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?

A: It's too high a price 'toupee.'

Shipwreck

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.

Corny Pirate Humor

Q. How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A. A buccaneer.

Way With Words

Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.

Mark It Up

I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

Beat in Battle

Q. Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight? A. It had too many sleepless knights.

Population Pun

Q. Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population? A. Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

France’s Favorite Game

I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games. She said, "Wii."

Clown Courtesy

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

Non-cents-ical

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn't make any cents!

Time On My Side

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Fixer Upper

Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)  

Weight and See

Q. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A. A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

That’s Deep

All these sea monster jokes are just Kraken me up. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

This Joke’s In Tents

Q. Why can't you run through a campground? A. You can only ran, because it's past tents. (Credit: @punnstagram)

Thief!

What do you call a thieving alligator? A Crookodile

Maybee I Will, Maybee I Won’t

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe

HiYa!

What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop

Melon Friends

Q: What did the watermelon say to the cantaloupe? A: You're one in a melon

Greasy Love

Don't go bacon my heart. I couldn't if I fried.

Good looking pineapple

If you were a fruit, you'd be a fine-apple

Tomato love

I love you from my head tomatoes

Dinosaur car crash

Q: What do you get when two dinosaurs crash their cars? A: T-Rex

Door frog

Q: What job did the frog have at the hotel? A: Bellhop

Karate pig

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate? A: Pork chop

Everyday potato

Q: What do you call an everyday potato? A: A commentator

Baby alien

Q: How do you put a baby alien to sleep? A: You rocket

Crocodile Crime

Q: What do you call a thieving crocodile? A: A crookodile

Lazy kangaroo

Q: What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A: A pouch potato

Volcano love

Q: What did the volcano say to his wife? A: I lava you

Magician Owl

Q: What do you call and owl that does magic tricks? A: Hoodini

Sick banana

Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor? A: It wasn't peeling well

Fancy fish

Q: What do you call a classy fish? A: Sofishticated

Toothless bear

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A: Gummybear

Jungle cat race

Are you a cheetah? No, you lion!

Space party

Q: How do you organize a space party? A: You planet

Don’t become a vegetarian

Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

Gator Mystery

Q: What do you call and alligator in a vest? A: An investigator

Cloud Undies

Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear? A: Thunderwear

The Truth is Out

Shout out to the people who ask what the opposite of "in" is. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

Know Your ABCs

I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y. (Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

Dinosaur Groans

Q. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make? A. A dino-snore.

Harry Punner

Q. Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend? A. They're both cauld ron. (Credit: @hogwartslogic on Twitter)

A Fan Favorite

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

That’s Just Not Write

Want to hear something terrible? Paper. See? I told you it was tear-able.

Or was it a SodaStream?

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea. (Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

Choo Choo!

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say...

Oh, Man!

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

Just Can’t Trust ‘Em

Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!  

This Is Intense

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar… It was tense.

Atomically Lost

An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”

RIP

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?  It was a grave mistake.

Waste of Time

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out.  What a waste of thyme.

The Very Best Time, Hands Down

6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

Not in Mourning

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m.  I’m not really a mourning person.

A Little Off-Balance

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.  A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Baseball Nut

Ray’s friends claim he’s a baseball nut. He says they’re way off base.

A Smoking-Hot Deal

The public safety officer came up to a large mob of people outside a department store and asked, “What’s happening?” A mall officer replied, “These people are waiting to get...

A Lizard Walks Into…

A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. "What's your kid's name?" asks the bartender. "Tiny," says the lizard. "Because he's my newt."

Reach!

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where all the fruit is?  

String Fight

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

Silk Ties

Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

Police Investigation

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

You Don’t Want to Get Busy in an Elevator

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Don’t Try to Steal a Calendar

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.