Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.
Ray’s friends claim he’s a baseball nut. He says they’re way off base.
The public safety officer came up to a large mob of people outside a department store and asked, “What’s happening?” A mall officer replied, “These people are waiting to get the new Barbie doll.” The public safety officer shook his head and muttered, “Who can resist a Barbie queue?”
A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. “What’s your kid’s name?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,” says the lizard. “Because he’s my newt.”
Why not go out on a limb? Isn’t that where all the fruit is?
My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.
Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
I told my mom I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.
What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.
I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.
What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1Forrest1
Q: What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices? A: They’re always raisinet.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He’d stop at nothing to avoid them.
What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess? We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves!
Who was Socrates’ worst student? Mediocrities. Who was his busiest student? The one with a lot on his Plato
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she’d dye.
Q: Did you hear the one about the greedy peanut butter? A: I’m not telling you. You might spread it.
Q: Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? A: Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? A: Nacho cheese!
Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? A: Because he was on a roll.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.