A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. “What’s your kid’s name?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,” says the lizard. “Because he’s my newt.”
Why not go out on a limb? Isn’t that where all the fruit is?
My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.
Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
I told my mom I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.
What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.
I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.
What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1Forrest1
Q: What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices?
A: They’re always raisinet.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He’d stop at nothing to avoid them.
What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess? We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves!
Who was Socrates’ worst student? Mediocrities. Who was his busiest student? The one with a lot on his Plato
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she’d dye.
Q: Did you hear the one about the greedy peanut butter?
A: I’m not telling you. You might spread it.
Q: Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
A: Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table?
A: Because he was on a roll.
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym?
A: To get better buns.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
Did you hear about the boy who tried to catch fog? He mist.
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.
“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”
Q: Why did the apricot ask a prune to dinner?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date.
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.
The thing I don’t like about shopping centers…
When you see one, you’ve seen a mall.
Q: How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog?
A: Put it in a man bun.
Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? – She was fed up with the hole business.
Why did the gym close down? – It just didn’t work out.
Q. How much room should you give fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible.
My ceiling isn’t the best… But it’s up there!!!
How do trees get online? – They just log in.
Why did the tomato blush? – Because it saw the salad dressing.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
Q: Why do French people eat snails?
A: Because they won’t touch fast food.
Why are cats bad storytellers? – Because they only have one tale.
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.
Q: What do you do when life gives you melons?
A: See a doctor, because you’re probably dyslexic.
Did you hear the news about that Chinese restaurant that got vandalized? It was an act of wonton destruction.
6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
Q: What do you call a dishonest noodle?
A: An Impasta.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Why did the Zen master refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Sticks float. They would.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank — proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world’s first anti-lox breaks.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I work in a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold.
Last week I called someone a watering hole but I meant well.
Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot explanations.
• The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx
• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry. @eserunsalan
• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge. @generalist
• Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works. @DanSlott
• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet. @SueChainzz
From the Twitter feed #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could be made about this bust:
Golden Girls, Interrupted
The Lavender Hair Mob
Indicting Miss Daisy
No Country for Old Women
The Social Security Network
Q: What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona
A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:
• Free Schmuelly
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:
• Grimm Scarytales
• Pain Eyre
• Pippi Longstompings
My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
Submitted by Norie Bloom,
“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.
@ceejoyner (Chris Joyner)
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
Submitted by Paul Stewart, Richmond, Utah
• Couch = People Shelf
• Books = Manual Films
• Bracelets = Clockless Watches
• Air Horn = Spray Scream
• Bottled Water = Snowman Blood
• Feather = Bird Leaf
“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
Submitted by Kenneth Roberts, Mauston, Wisconsin
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”
“Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer
“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge
“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King
“Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali
“Mist Connection” —Cary Berkowitz
“The 99 Per-scent” —Julia Flagg
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Q: Why did the chicken go to the séance?
A: To get to the other side.
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
@trmiller1326, from reddit.com
We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist):
• Drinkand Dr.
• Vicious Circle
• West 943,185th Street
• Psycho Path
• Peoples Ct.
• Nofriggin Way
I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
• What is the sound of no hands texting?
• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
• To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God
II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods
III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?
IV. How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator
V. She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday?
VI. Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You: #7 No Killing Before Lunch
VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses
VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants
IX. This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You
X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her
From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, mcsweeneys.net
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians:
• Counting Crows Feet
• Nine Inch Toenails
• Hair Supply
• Minivan Morrison
• The Early Byrds
From Dave Pell of nextdraft.com, on medium.com
The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh:
“Finally, after 97 long days adrift, Captain Pertwee was rescued, mercifully ending his miserable diet of rainwater and strips of sun-dried Haddock—which was actually far ghastlier than it sounded, what with George Haddock being his former first mate.”
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.
I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”
Phil Noyes, Yakima, Washington
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”
They’ll probably laugh later.
Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee
Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”
Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”
Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”
Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”
Throw him into the mainstream.
Submitted by Jesse Rehn, Green Bay, Wisconsin
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours. He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.
Unlocking The Truth, a heavy metal band made up of eighth graders, recently signed a $1.7 million contract with Sony. Here are more kid bands we’re bound to see:
• Rage Against the Curfew
• Food Fighters
• Electric Night-Light Orchestra
• Alice in Time-Out
• Math Test Dummies
• Pre-KC and the Sunshine Band
• Onesie Direction
3 Musketeers is a good name for a chocolate bar, but a bad name for an Army division.
Shout is a good name for a stain remover, but a better name for a senior citizen home.
PetSmart is a good name for a pet store, but the best name for a university.
A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, “Do you have any felony convictions?”
The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”
A Pennsylvania couple had trouble selling their home after strange apparitions and sounds forced them to admit in their ad that it was “slightly haunted.” The Week asked its readers to put a more positive spin on the sales pitch:
• “A home suited for free spirits”
• “Mostly not haunted”
• “113-year-old Victorian, still cared for by original owners”
• “A place for all your possessions”
• “This house has good bones”
• “Your kids will make new friends”
What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common?
They know what it’s like to be stuffed and then jammed into a small place.
I recently stumbled upon
my favorite new sports team. It’s
a woman’s bowling squad called
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter.
Jacqueline Tessman, Benton Harbor, Michigan
The barbershop was crowded,
so the woman at the cash register
offered to put my name on the
waiting list. “What is it?” she asked.
“Stephen, with a P-H,” I said.
Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: “Pheven?”
Stephen Hudson, Falmouth, Maine
Famous film quotes get the redneck treatment:
• “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’”
• “Use the horse, Luke.”
• “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!”
• “Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her ’68 Rambler into mine.”
A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable dish. Here’s what they came up with:
•The Lasting Supper
•Pizza de Resistance
•Auld Lang Slice
•Grandpapa John’s Pizza
“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”
“I’d tap that.”
“I know exactly where you have been all my life.”
Submitted by M. R.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”
The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.
Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Q: Where do geeks go for a good time?
A: A wonky-tonk.
Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: It’s two gross.
Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?
A: Because of all the natural logs.
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”
Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A: A roamin’ numeral.
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An Algorithm
Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
A: Because you should never drink and derive.
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A: a receding hare-line.
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to seitan.
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”
Earl B. Child, Roy, Utah
My husband was cramming all his chores into one day, but each job revealed another problem. For example, while touching up paint on a wall, he discovered gouges in the wood that needed to be filled in. Later, I found him sitting in the living room, staring off into space. Looking up, he announced, “Frustration is when my cope runneth over.”
Barbara Biderson, Huntington Beach, California
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don’t. You get down from a goose.
Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he’s a keeper.
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them.
Q: With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite. What am I?
A: A stapler
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.
Where are all the Sour Patch parents?
—Comedian Bo Burnham
Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle.
—Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!
Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?
A: A coat of paint.
What did one boat say to the other? “Are you up for a little row-mance?”
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and the tightrope walker. Why didn’t the lion eat the clown?
A: Because it thought he would taste funny.
Q: How many seconds are there in one year?
A: 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?
A: Because every seat has a fan in it!
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch cold!
Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven ate nine!
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.
Q: What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
A: The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Q: What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A: A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words?
A: The thesaurus.
Why do artists constantly feel cold?
Because they’re surrounded by drafts.
My nine-year-old and I passed a store with a sign that read “Watch Batteries Installed—$5.”
He seemed confused: “Who would pay to watch batteries installed?”
Deb Morris, North Creek, New York
Two Hollywood studios want to bring Lance Armstrong’s fuel-injected story to the big screen. What should they call it?
There Will Be Blood Tests
Goon with the Schwinn
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That’s right—he was elf taught.
Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?
A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?
A: Santa Jaws!
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Gee, I’ll never part with it!
Q: What is a lion’s favorite Christmas carol?
A: Jungle Bells.
Q: Why did the children call St. Nick “Santa Caus”?
A: Because there was Noël.
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one’ll sleigh you!
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
Yule log who?
Yule log the door after you let me in, won’t you?
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Clones are people two.
Q: Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
A: His ghoulfriend.
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeño business!
My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift.
I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”
Jim Mercer, Delta, Canada
You just can’t trust atoms—they make up everything.
Submitted by Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
What did one eye say to the other?
“Don’t look now, but something between us smells.”
Convex go to prison!
Algebra teacher: “What is seven Q plus three Q?”
Student: “Ten Q.”
Teacher: “You’re welcome.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”
How does Moses make tea?
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back:
Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.”
Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.”
Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.”
Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.”
Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.”
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
The Yoko Club? Oh no.
The German Philosophy Club? I Kant.
The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey.
The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend?
The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire.
“But you can’t!” protests the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?
There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help?
Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.
Why do bicycles fall over?
Because they are two-tired.
Why were all the ink spots crying?
Their father was in the pen.
As I helped my elderly neighbor clean out his garage, I stumbled upon an ax in the corner. “That was my grandfather’s,” he said, picking it up and running his fingers along the blade. “Of course, it’s been through three new heads since he last used it.”
The insurance industry loves its acronyms. The first time I saw the term proof of ownership was in a client’s file that read “Insured has POO on damaged items.”
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face …
Some people have a knack for remembering faces. Others, according to this e-mail I received at work, go them one better: "The only designated smoking area at Building One is at the picnic benches, under the covered area, where the butt distinguishers are."
Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.
"Do you have six cents?" she asked.
"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."
"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."
I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another as an egg.
I thought, Now, this could be interesting.
One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on our job-agency application is "Position Wanted." One job seeker wrote "Sitting."
While I was performing in a show outside Chicago, there was a gentleman who could often be found hanging around the lobby. Every¬one called him the Marquis. One day, I asked the artistic director if he’d gotten the nickname because he looked so distinguished. No, he replied. "We call him the Marquee because he hangs out in front of the theater and is usually lit."
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the “best” from the past year.
As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, “Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead.”
Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe, and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, “There goes the most noble among men”—in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur. –Tom Wallace
After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the next book. Here’s what they divined:
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fiber
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ask-Your-Mom
Harry Potter and the Financial Portfolio of Doom
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone
Harry Potter and the Quest to Buy a House in the Hogwarts School District
Harry Potter and the Quidditch Mom
If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.
It’s often a challenge to explain to strangers exactly what I do in the aerospace industry. At one gathering, I didn’t even try. I just said, "I’m a defense contractor."
One of the guys was intrigued. "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to the north.
Canada: Where Your Cold Front Begins
Canada: It’s Not Just for Draft Dodgers Anymore
Canada: Land of Cheaper Drugs
Canada: Where Winter Spends the Summer
There are over a million words in the English language, but we can always use more. Here are some that wordsmiths contributed to the Merriam-Webster Open Dictionary website:
Epiphunny (noun): The moment of sudden revelation when one gets the joke.
Nagivator (noun): A bossy person who rides in the passenger seat and gives directions to the driver.
Phooey Vuitton (noun): A sub- standard, counterfeit Louis Vuitton product.
Wuzband (noun): A former husband.
My 17-year-old niece was looking for a job, so her mother scoured the want ads with her. "Here’s one. A couple are looking for someone to watch their two kids and do light housekeeping."
"Hel-looo!" said my niece, rolling her eyes. "I can’t take that job. I don’t know anything about lighthouses."
I was out in the garden with my stepladder today. Not my real ladder. No, I don’t get along with my real ladder.
My house is haunted by a ghostwriter. Last night, I came home and my autobiography had been written.
A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there’s a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers. She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."
"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."
After I took a job at a small publishing house, the first books I was assigned to edit were all on the topic of dieting.
"Isn’t the market flooded with these types of books?" I asked another editor. "How do we expect to turn a profit?"
"Don’t worry," he assured me. "These books appeal to a wider audience than most."
Once I’d finished reviewing my daughter’s homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. “What is a group of whales called?” I asked. “I’ll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music.”
“An iPod?” she guessed.
“Close,” I said. “But what I’m thinking of is a little smaller.”
I posed this question to my thoughtful father: "If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?"
He replied, "Russia."
A dull-witted king is losing a territorial dispute with a neighboring monarch. As the fight wears on, he gets more and more frustrated until finally he roars, "Where are my two court jesters?"
In seconds, two jesters appear at his side.
"Okay, let’s continue," he says, "now that I have my wits about me."
Carrying two dead raccoons, a buzzard tries to check in at LAX for the red-eye to New York. "Sorry, sir," says the ticket agent. "We allow only one item of carrion."
We disbar lawyers and we defrock clergy, so why don’t we:
Debark tree surgeons?
Depress dry cleaners?
‘Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.
"They’ve all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander.
"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.
"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers."
"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?"
We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds. "They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won’t give up any land for it, and neither will Iran or Turkey."
"So what you’re saying is," he concluded, "they won’t let the Kurds have their way?"
A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he’s been eating.
"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."
"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You’re not getting enough greens."
Before the shopper could pay for her groceries with a personal check, I needed her address. "What’s your street name?" I asked.
"I don’t have a street name," she said. "I go by Juanita."
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What’s with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!"
What did the ill comic say in the hospital?
"I’m here … all weak!
My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.
Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."
Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex. "Where’d you come up with those names?" asks her friend Mandy. "HellOOOOOO," Tiffany replies. "They’re watchdogs!"
Most people would be angry if their company was bought and the new owners replaced them with their own people. Not our neighbor Andy. "You know how it goes," he said, waxing philosophical. "Every circus brings its own clowns."
Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the best and fastest in lawn-mower racing. It also brought out some colorful names.
Entrants included: Weedy Gonzales, Blading Saddles, Turfinator, Sodzilla and Mr. Mowjangles.
The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena—his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for now he was both unarmed and defeated.
Hoss drove over to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar. This was a problem, since he needed to let his wife, Sue, know that he’d bought the bull so she could come get it with the truck—and telegrams cost a dollar per word. Hoss thought hard for a minute. Finally he said, “All right. Here’s my dollar. Go ahead and just make it this one word: Comfortable.”
“How’s that going to get your point across?” the clerk asked, scratching his head.
“Don’t worry,” Hoss said. “Sue’s not the greatest reader. She’ll say it real slow.”
What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer.
A Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up, snatches it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "I am so embarrassed," the woman says. "Please join me for dinner."
They enjoy a wonderful meal together and afterwards she invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. She pays for everything. Then she asks him to her place for a nightcap, and to stay for breakfast.
The next morning the guy is amazed. "Are you this nice to every biker you meet?" he asks.
"Not usually," she replies. "But you just happened to catch my eye."