A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is...
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One-Liners
Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh.
Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O’Brien.
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Rita Rudner on The Perks of Dog Ownership
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
The Truth About Puppies
Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
@shutupmikeginn
Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
@shutupmikeginn
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Dog Mom Is Always Right
“We’re eating
dinner soon.
Don’t fill up
on homework.”
—Dog mom
Alex Baze (@bazecraze)
“We’re eating
dinner soon.
Don’t fill up
on homework.”
—Dog mom
Alex Baze (@bazecraze)
Harry Hill on Dog Enthusiasm
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
Harry Hill
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
Harry Hill
The Paradox of Grown-Ups
I spend three minutes every
day choosing a TV channel
to leave on for my dog. Then
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
@damienfahey
I spend three minutes every
day choosing a TV channel
to leave on for my dog. Then
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
@damienfahey
DUN DUN
The Complete Law and Order boxed set is now available for only $300. The perfect gift for someone unaware of the existence of USA
Network.
@EliBraden, comedian
The Complete Law and Order boxed set is now available for only $300. The perfect gift for someone unaware of the existence of USA
Network.
@EliBraden, comedian
The Oscar Goes to…
My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as
I answer the phone “Hello?”
@SethMacFarlane
My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as
I answer the phone “Hello?”
@SethMacFarlane
Hut, Hut, Gripe!
Sick of having to go to two
different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
@Leemanish
Sick of having to go to two
different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
@Leemanish
Clean Your Plate
The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
@PaulyPeligroso
The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
@PaulyPeligroso
Amir Blumenfeld on Eggplant Alternatives
If you think
eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.
@jakeandamir
(Amir Blumenfeld)
If you think
eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.
@jakeandamir
(Amir Blumenfeld)
The Taste of Wicker
Triscuit is the perfect
combination of cracker and doormat.
@1CarParade
(Jason Gelles)
Triscuit is the perfect
combination of cracker and doormat.
@1CarParade
(Jason Gelles)
A Bar Walks Into a Man…
Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up
oatmeal cookies before noon?”
@JulieKlausner
Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up
oatmeal cookies before noon?”
@JulieKlausner
Holy Vision
Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
Antisocial Media
Hate to break it to you,
Facebook, but the entire Internet
is already a Dislike button.
@JoshGroban
Hate to break it to you,
Facebook, but the entire Internet
is already a Dislike button.
@JoshGroban
Kitchen Confidential
My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.
Maria Bamford
My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.
Maria Bamford
Bloody Good Question
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have
a huge clock right in the middle
of the town.
Jimmy Kimmel
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have
a huge clock right in the middle
of the town.
Jimmy Kimmel
Mild, Mild West
I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Seen on reddit.com
I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone. Seen...
Well, Dishes Annoying
I’d rather spend ten minutes
rearranging the dishwasher to
accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.
@goldengateblond (shauna)
I’d rather spend ten minutes
rearranging the dishwasher to
accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.
@goldengateblond (shauna)
Margin of Error
Here’s some advice: At a job
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Comedian Adam Gropman
Here’s some advice: At a job
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Comedian Adam Gropman
Router-stiltskin
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my
first child.
@1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my
first child.
@1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)
Stewart Francis on Spelling
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
Stewart Francis
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
Stewart Francis
Trash of Society
“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.
@ceejoyner
(Chris Joyner)
“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.
@ceejoyner
(Chris Joyner)
Paula Poundstone on Over-Sharing
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
Paula Poundstone
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
Paula Poundstone
Groucho Marx on Make Outs
Whoever named
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
Whoever named
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
Jay Leno on Twinkies
General Mills
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?
Jay Leno
General Mills
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?
Jay Leno
Bank on Confusion
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
@RowdyBowden (derek lawler)
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
@RowdyBowden (derek lawler)
Poor Sport
Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Robert Brault on Halloween
I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
—Robert Brault
I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
—Robert Brault
Reid Faylor on Halloween
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him.
—Reid Faylor
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him.
—Reid Faylor
David Letterman on Halloween
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
—David Letterman
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
—David Letterman
“Come Out With Your Pants Up!”
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law.
—Jerry Seinfeld
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law.
—Jerry Seinfeld
Doggoned Dumb
A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase,
injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”
Andy Kindler
A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think...
Drunkard’s Law
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.”
—Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.”
—Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
Arachni-date
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
@FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
@FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)
Short on Class
“Don’t worry; I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.”
- Cargo Shorts
@DearAnyone (Artie Johann)
“Don’t worry; I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.”
- Cargo Shorts
@DearAnyone (Artie Johann)
Game Respect Game
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me
everything you know.”
@NicCageMatch
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me
everything you know.”
@NicCageMatch
An Old Army Truism…
Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
Source: milhist.net
Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
Source: milhist.net
Parenting Is Easy—I Swear!
The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word,
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and
at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.
Comedian Mark Chalifoux
The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and...
Duper Man
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
@Robfee
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
@Robfee
Contested Rules
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
@PeachCoffin
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
@PeachCoffin
The Worst Page in The Dictionary
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
@sixthformpoet
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
@sixthformpoet
Steven Wright on Tourism
I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year.
Steven Wright
I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year.
Steven Wright
Lew Schneider on Sunblock
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
Lew Schneider
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
Lew Schneider
Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial
There's no “I” in denial.
Peter Serafinowicz
There's no “I” in denial.
Peter Serafinowicz
Matt Wohlfarth, on Nostalgia
I admit that I live in the past,
but only because housing is so much cheaper.
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
I admit that I live in the past,
but only because housing is so much cheaper.
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
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A Tough Question, by Jay Leno
How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Jay Leno
How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Jay Leno
A Tough Question, by Bill Bailey
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
Bill Bailey
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
Bill Bailey
A Tough Question, by Betsy Salkind
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
Betsy Salkind
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
Betsy Salkind
A Tough Question, by Jon Stewart
If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
Jon Stewart
If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
Jon Stewart
A Tough Question, by Jerry Seinfeld
What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?
Jerry Seinfeld
What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?
Jerry Seinfeld
A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell
a highway it’s adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell
a highway it’s adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
A Tough Question, by George Carlin
What should you do when
you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant?
George Carlin
What should you do when
you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant?
George Carlin
Ahead of the Competition
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Stewart Francis
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Stewart Francis
A Brow Beating
I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
And That's The Way it is
Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story about
a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel.
@JENNYJOHNSONHi5
Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story about
a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel.
@JENNYJOHNSONHi5
Ken Jennings on Dog Walkers
My favorite game is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?”
@KenJennings
My favorite game is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?”
@KenJennings
Hotel Time-Travel
A hotel minibar allows you to
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
Comedian Rich Hall
A hotel minibar allows you to
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
Comedian Rich Hall
Maggie Smith on Annoying People
There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.
Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith),
on Downton Abbey
There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.
Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith),
on Downton Abbey
Stephen Colbert on Internships
Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.
Stephen Colbert
Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.
Stephen Colbert
The Weirdest Summer Job Ever
Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a kid. Ninety-nine percent of the time, sit and do nothing. One percent of the time, SAVE SOMEONE’S LIFE.
Jake Weisman (@weismanjake)
Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a kid. Ninety-nine percent of the time, sit and do nothing. One percent of the time, SAVE SOMEONE’S LIFE. Jake Weisman...
Demetri Martin's Summer Plans
This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life" on them.
Demetri Martin
This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life" on them.
Demetri Martin
My First Job…
I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.
Melanie Reno
I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.
Melanie Reno
Fractured Fairy Tales
• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson
(@kolchak)
• I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”? —Ricky Gervais
• Cinderella’s
fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and
a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.
• Old McDonald was dyslexic,
I-E-I-E-O. —Billy Connolly
• And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was. —@andrewhibbard
• My wife said she wanted
a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —@tonycowards
• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson (@kolchak) • I have never worked out the moral...
The Meaning of War
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
Comedian Paul Rodriguez
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
Comedian Paul Rodriguez
Thanks, MapQuest
MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Aaron Karo, from ruminations.com
MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Aaron Karo, from ruminations.com
Misfortune Cookie
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”...
The Funniest Person in The World
The Laugh Factory in Los
Angeles invited comedians from around the globe to join its Funniest Person in the World Contest. Here are some finalists:
• In Paris, I am driving a Smart car, you know, the very tiny one. But I don’t do it much, because it’s too dangerous. I could get run over by a pedestrian. Mustapha El Atrassi, France
• Have you noticed that all bottled water has the “best before” date printed on it? The water has circled the earth for four billion years …
but now it’s ruined? Ismo Leikola, Finland
• This is the tenth anniversary of my comedy career. It’s also the anniversary of my father begging me not to do comedy.
Nitin Mirani, United Arab Emirates
The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles invited comedians from around the globe to join its Funniest Person in the World Contest. Here are some finalists: • In Paris, I am...
Matthew Wohlfarth on Exercise
I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth
I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth
Zen Koans for the Internet Age
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
• What is the sound of no hands texting?
• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
• To see a man’s true face, look to the
photos he hasn’t posted.
Brandon Specktor
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? • What is the sound of no hands texting? • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value...
Dog on The Job
Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who’s boss.
@rmfnord
Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who’s boss.
@rmfnord
Jimmy Fallon on ISIS
The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.
Jimmy Fallon
The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.
Jimmy Fallon
Watch Your Sodium
I’m at the age where I can’t take anything with a grain of salt.
Submitted by comedian Matt Wohlfarth
I’m at the age where I can’t take anything with a grain of salt.
Submitted by comedian Matt Wohlfarth