Old Age Jokes

Laughing can make you live longer. Read up on our old age jokes and “getting old” jokes to live forever.

Getting old doesn’t have to be sad. Make fun of those grey hairs with these old people jokes and jokes for seniors.

Spent All the Money

One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.” —Submitted by Arthur Bland 

Blockbuster Old

The other day I got carded at the liquor store. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. The clerk shook his head, said, “Never...

He’s Only 70

On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. He suddenly grew indignant....

Not That Old Yet

“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?” He shook his...

Insurance Love Life

While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?” “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the...

Baking or Vaping

Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. “Yes,” she admitted. “What’s all this I hear on the news about banning...

Teeth Out Too

Two old guys, Fred and Sam went to the movies.  A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor...

Bathroom in the Morning

When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to determine Dad’s mental state, asked, “What gets you up in the morning?” My father shrugged. “Probably the same...

10 Years Isn’t Enough

After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.” My mother, un­impressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years...

Older and Not Bothered

When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous. My buddy whispered, “She makes me wish...

Hearing Aid Missing

The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said,...

Wrinkles and Irony

This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, “How old will I be when I die?” His reply was 96 years old. She said, “Hot diggity dog, I...

All Smiles

Q. How are stars like false teeth? A. They both come out at night!

An Old Guy Walks Into…

An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. “You’ve got to be kidding,” he said. “I’m almost 60 years old.” The bartender apologized, but said...

Aged To Perfection

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up....

The Case of The Illegal Mah-Jong Game

Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four 
elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could...

Pick a Husband, Any Husband

As the hostess at the casino 
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my 
husband, who would be joining me 
momentarily. I...

Fishing For Whiskey

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink....

“Come Out With Your Pants Up!”

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law. —Jerry Seinfeld

The Time Traveling Soldier

When a soldier came to the 
clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an 
attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination 
was...

A Grave Encounter

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an...

"You Need a Shorter Password."

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” 
I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked,...

What's a Hipster?

“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin. “Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.” “Is...

Bed, Bath, And Way, Way Beyond

In the hardware store, a 
clerk asked, “Can I help you find 
anything?” “How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband. The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the...

A Grandmother’s Wisdom

A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. “Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven’t eaten all day.” “Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won’t...

Natural Bull Enhancement

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,”...

In Memoriam

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s...

Relaxing Location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,”...

Vital Signs

She’s only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their...

A Dime a Dozen

While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated. "Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I’m looking for my wife....

Senior Lingo

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary: BFF: Best Friend Fainted BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered by Medicare FWB: Friend with...

The Problem With Jury Duty

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age....

Dream Home

We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good...

The Woes of Aging

The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the...

On Retirement Time

Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. "I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the...

Changing With the Times

When I was in high school, I wore Birkenstocks. Or as I call them now, the '90s version of a purity ring.

Lawnmower Upgrade

At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower. “This thing is great,” he bragged to my brother. “It took me only an hour and a half to...

Clicking Into Place

"Everything's starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck … "

Teeth Cleaning

The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back...

Special Karaoke

At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that?"

Birds of a Feather

I knew that my husband’s hearing had deteriorated after our friend—new to the city— asked where he could meet some singles. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the...

Keeping Up Appearances

An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. On the memo line, she’d written, "Repairs."

High Hopes

I’ve always been a disappointment. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighed—when I was two, this is not what I saw...

Trio of Gifts

In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked. "Real good," he said. "I got an SUV." "Nice." "Yeah …...

Leaving a Light On

An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?" "Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t...

Long Time, No See

My 45-year-old sister was attending the wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadn’t seen in years. How long exactly? One of them shouted, "Kathy, you...

Empty Threat

Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I’m so mad, I’m taking you off my...

Wrinkle Cream

My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered. "Oh," she said, walking away....

Age Based Discounts

Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. When I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. It wasn’t to...

Back in Time

For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I’d love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we...

Contact Info

I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail."

Time Issue

My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he’d drunk more than usual the day before. "What’s more than usual?" I asked. "A case." "You can drink...

The Good Old Days

I have no respect for gangs today. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance...

Marking Time

My sister and I decided to reframe a favorite photograph of our mother and father from when they were dating, some 60 years ago. After removing the picture from the...

Blind Date

"How was your blind date?"

"Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."

"What's so terrible about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Looking Good

Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven’t changed in 20 years." "Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I...

A Great Weight-Loss Tip

The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How’d you do it?" we asked. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out at six o’clock."

Gary LeVox of Rascal Flatt’s Favorite Joke

John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit. There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start...

Active Pursuits

I’m bald–well, balding. I like to say "balding" because it sounds more productive. And I don’t like to say I’m losing my hair, because that makes it sound like had...

Not Getting It

After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on...

Old and Feeling Great

A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. When she got him back to his room and sat him down, he took...

Generation Gap

Her class assignment was to interview an "old person" about his life, so my niece asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?" "I’d have...

Old in Some Ways

One of my fourth graders asked my teacher’s assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Glass?" "You should never ask an adult’s age," I broke in. "That’s okay," Harriett said smiling....

Unable to Drive

After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. The woman representative listened patiently as I requested a...

Young Hairstyle

I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, who’s three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. All morning, women had been smiling at me...

Young Man

Visiting his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a...

Driving Drought

The insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him how many miles he drives in...

Older Method

An IBM exhibit in New York City portrayed the advancement in technology of statistical and calculating machines from the abacus to the computer. After completing the tour, I stopped at...

Catching a Ride

To my friend’s astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the...

First in Line

An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered...

Old Patient

My 60-year-old mother-in-law, completing two years of wearing orthodontic braces, was in the office having them adjusted. As she sat in one of the waiting- room chairs, the teenager next...

Wrong Bar

My diminutive aunt Flora, just four feet, nine inches tall, accepted an offer to visit a health club for a free session. After being greeted heartily, she was shown where...

Caught in a Lie

When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner—both EMTs—rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse...