A friend took her son to the doctor’s office after he sprained his finger. The nurse applied a splint, only to be told she’d put it on the wrong finger….

### The Plot Thickens

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They’re always plotting something.

### Math Buddies

Q: What do you call friends who love math?

A: algebros

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### Wandering Numbers

Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?

A: A roamin’ numeral.

### Smaller Waist

Q: What does the zero say to the eight?

A: Nice belt!

### Christmas Calculation

Q: How is an artificial Christmas tree like the fourth root of -68?

A: Neither has real roots.

### Number’s Lunch

Q: Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?

A: They already 8 (ate)!

### Middle School Math

Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?

A: A middle school math problem!

### Math Discipline

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?

A: `I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…’

### Math Professor Voice-Mail

Q: How do you know when you’ve reached your Math Professors voice-mail? A: The message is “The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees…

### 2 Fast

Q: What did 2 say to 4 after 2 beat him in a race?

A: 2 Fast 4 U!

### Al Gore Music

Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

A: An algorithm!

### Math Parrot

Q: What did the mathematician’s parrot say?

A: A poly “no meal”

### Book Problems

Q: What did one math book say to the other?

A: Don’t bother me I’ve got my own problems!

### No Tables

Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

### Math Isn’t Fun

MATH stands for Mental Abuse To Humans.

### Halloween Math

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin pi

### Margin of Error

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

*Comedian Adam Gropman*

### The Calculating Sheepdog

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer….

### An I.Q. Too High To Buy

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.” “Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I…

### Steer Clear of this Joke

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

### Zero Sum Puns

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I…

### Professors Define a Kiss

In math: Two divided by nothing. In physics: The contraction of the mouth due to the expansion of the heart. In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when…

### Hear About the Statistician…

Hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?

It was three feet deep on average.

### A Joke of Little Value…

Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

### A Genius Solution

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.

### Why Should 288…

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

A: It’s two gross.

### Why do Mathematicians…

Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?

A: Because of all the natural logs.

### Noah and the Snakes

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes…

### What do You Call a Number…

Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?

A: A roamin’ numeral.

### The House Problem

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two…

### An Average Joke

Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?

A: Probably.

### Vice President of Rock

Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

A: An Algorithm

### Invariable Consequences

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?

A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

### Chicken Strips

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

### Solve for XX

Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

A: Because you should never drink and derive.

### The Engineer, the Physicist, and the Mathematician

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so…

### Infinitely Many Mathematicians…

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of…

### Law of Diminishing Returns

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

### An Equation for Disaster

Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus?

Because you should never drink and derive.