“Visit me for three days a week at $300 a visit, and you’ll be cured,” the psychiatrist assures him. The price tag is a little rich for the patient, so…
A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out…
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because he was poultry in motion.
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One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel went down to the local dance hall. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The…
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol
Q: What’s Homer Simpson’s least favorite style of beer?
A: Flanders Red Ale.
Q: What’s a shepherd’s favorite style of beer?
Q: What’s a composer’s favorite style of beer?
Q: What’s a pharmacist’s favorite style of beer?
-By Sam Benson Smith-
An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. “You’ve got to be kidding,” he said. “I’m almost 60 years old.” The bartender apologized, but said…
A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. “What’s your kid’s name?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,” says the lizard. “Because he’s my newt.”
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink….
Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?” The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a…
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of…
An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
At an all-you-can-eat buffet, my nine-year-old was excited to find a chocolate milk machine. But her aunt did not approve. “Chocolate milk for dinner?” she asked. “It’s delicious!” said my…
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”
The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the…
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the…
This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps,…
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.
Doctor Jones likes to stop at a bar after work and enjoy an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead. The…
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, “Beer, please, and one for the road.”
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, “OK, but I don’t want you starting anything in here.”
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him to get out. The mushroom says, “Why? I’m a fun-guy.”
A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The…
A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer ……………. and some of those peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”
Several fonts walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type here.”
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink…
A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint, please.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re out of your head.”
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”…
A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.” The dog says, “At these…
When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then sips the new one. The hard hat spills…
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” and the bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why…
A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the…
A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except…
A bar in our neighborhood got lots of interesting traffic. Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One…
Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor. "One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He…
Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn’t wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed. "The malls are massive, and…
A drunk walks into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash. "I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick…
Everyone has a right to make money. A sign posted at a local pub reads "Be safe: Don’t drink and drive. But please still drink."
A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?" "Well," she says,…
This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"? The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves. The next day…
Do you serve ladies at this bar?
No, sir, you have to supply your own.
Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender. "Blood," orders the first vampire. "Make it two," says the second. The bartender looks at the…
A sign on Washington’s Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police car with lights flashing, reads
"If you drink and drive, we’ll provide the chasers."
One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work, when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat next to…
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage,…