Q: Where do snowmen keep their money? A: In a snow bank.
No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season. @sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out. Lew Schneider
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.” Phil Noyes, Yakima, Washington
It was so hot in Beverly Hills, people were frying egg whites on the sidewalk. Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation. Kin Hubbard
It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway. Jay Leno
If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. Bob Hope
Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!” Jerry Seinfeld
Concerned about what will happen to cities if the polar ice caps melt? Don’t be. New names have already been chosen. Atlantis City, New Jersey Pariscope, France Sail ‘Em, Massachusetts Floodelphia, Pennsylvania Helsunki, Finland Sao Marco … Paulo, Brazil
According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change.
When I overheard one of my cashiers tell a customer, "We haven’t had it for a while, and I doubt we’ll be getting it soon," I quickly assured the customer that we would have whatever it was she wanted by next week. After she left, I read the cashier the riot act. "Never tell the […]
Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead. He didn’t return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when […]
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