A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

Sports Jokes

You don’t have to be an athlete to work out these sports jokes.

Sports jokes bring out the athlete in everyone. Choose from our all-star team of jokes like football puns and basketball puns that make you the number one pick.

Little League for Parents

Little League is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. —Yogi Berra, Yankees Catcher

Not Everything

Baseball statistics are like a girl in a bikini—they show a lot, but not everything. —Toby Harrah, Rangers Shortstop

Too Many Men

You want proof baseball players are smarter than football players? How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? —Jim Bouton, Yankees Pitcher

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

Why does everybody sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” when they’re already there? —Larry Andersen, Phillies Pitcher

The Love of Tennis

Q: Why should you never date tennis players? A: Love means nothing to them.


I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

Lower Your Expectations

Have you heard the one about the bad pole-vaulter? It never goes over very well. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

Either Oar

The boating store was having a big sale on canoes. It was quite the oar deal.

Courtship Signals

Q. Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? A. Because Love means nothing to them.

A Stroke of Genius

Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? A. In case he got a hole in one.

Gordie Howe on The Language of Sports

All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity. Gordie Howe, hockey player

The Unathletic Camper’s Baseball Glossary

Baseball bat: a wooden or metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands. Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit! Babe Ruth:...

Super Droll, More Like

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents...

Not The Smartest Sports Fan

After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and...

Poor Sport

Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”? Neil DeGrasse Tyson

Cut and Run

The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut. @Bazecraze

Poor Sports

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team. “I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”...

Virginal Word Choice

The topic of my student’s essay was the importance of trust, camaraderie, and toughness among football players. “After all,” he wrote, “you don’t want a bunch of pre-Madonnas out there...

10-Pin Puns

I recently stumbled upon 
my favorite new sports team. It’s 
a woman’s bowling squad called 
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter. Jacqueline Tessman, 
Benton Harbor, Michigan

The Camper's Second Opinion

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs...

If I’m on the Course and Lightning Starts…

If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. Bob Hope

Swimming is Confusing…

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. Comedian Demetri Martin

Lunchtime MVP

Bacon was definitely the 
first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce. —@joshgondelman

It’s weird that NFL players…

It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly look at their phones to check their stats. —@shawnries

I prefer the tight yoga pants…

I prefer the tight yoga pants football players wear over the frumpy businesswoman slacks baseball players wear. —@QuinnK

Anyone who thinks women…

Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show. —Nora Barry

My dad didn’t text…

My dad didn’t text me after the Patriots game, which is basically a Life Alert signal if you’re from New England. —@joshgondelman

The rules of football…

The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most 
complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is. —Julian McCullough

Anyone who’s just driven…

Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands. —Craig Ferguson

Definition, Please?

During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a...

Your Move

"I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.'  So we stopped playing chess." —Matt Kirshen

In Training

I identify with football players because I know what it's like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.

Dangerous Name

When my 15-year-old son, Pat, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, “Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!” After some...

Not Looking Good

I already regret my choice of Juilliard to win the NCAA.

Women and Sports

The reason women don't play football is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Changing Money

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave him his business card and told him to stop by...

Fitness Tip

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

Fighting for Honor

In honor of our armed forces, the University of South Carolina football team used the backs of players’ jerseys to display a little patriotism. They placed words like Duty, Service,...

Our 15 Favorite Football Jokes

Read our funniest jokes just in time for the Super Bowl.

Team Support

While I was working security at a football game, a fan spilled beer on a cheerleader’s pop-poms. As a favor, I rinsed them off in the men’s room. As I...

Defensive Driving

I'm not good at sports, but I like parallel parking. Unlike sports, the worse you are at parallel parking, the more people you have rooting for you.

No "I" in Team

One of the players on our junior high football team never saw action in a game. But my brother, the assistant coach, liked the kid and always gave him pep...

On the Sidelines

I was sprawled on the living-room couch watching my favorite show on the Food Network when my husband walked in. "Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You...

Teed Off

Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. "What a terrible day," he tells his wife. "Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee." "Oh, that’s awful!" she says. "You’re...

Good Seats

Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is...


Q: How do you say "Michael Phelps" in Chinese?

A: Ka Ching.

By the Seasons

When the patient was wheeled into the emergency room, I could tell he was out of it. I asked if he knew the date. He didn’t. "Do you know what...

Spare Change Date

Football finally makes sense. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her...

15 Funny Football Jokes

1. Petty Theft Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with “Property of Central High School” emblazoned...

Being a Good Sport

Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman. "Did you play sports in college, Mike?" his wife...

Telephone Number

As a high-school football coach, I’m aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him...

Proud Parent

I was sitting behind an enthusiastic mom at my son’s Little League game. Her boy was pitching for the opposing team and she cheered as he threw wild pitch after...

Helping Out

Our high school has lots of spirit, but that didn’t help the football team, who had yet to win a game. So when our principal saw some cheerleaders sitting in...

Classic Feelings

As a Catholic, I’m partial to Notre Dame football. As a former Michigan resident, though, I also keep tabs on Michigan college teams. One Saturday afternoon, a neighbor dropped in...

Losing the Game

Driving home dejected from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, after a Mississippi-Louisiana State college football game that Ole Miss had lost 24-0, I was ignoring the speed limit and, sure enough, a...


Standing on the sidelines, during a game being played by my school’s football team, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and...

Surgery at the Game

On a Saturday afternoon when football fever was running high in South Bend, Indiana, a Notre Dame student was brought into the hospital where I was on duty as a...

Running Days

A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined...

Rooting for the Other Team

About to have a blood test, I nervously waited while the nurse tightened a tourniquet around my arm. "I understand you’re from Oklahoma," she said. "Are you a Sooners fan?"...

Exercise Route

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to...

Never Going Away

Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as...


It was the first day of basketball practice at Wingate high school in Brooklyn, N.Y. Coach Jack Kaminer handed a ball to each player. "Fellas," he said, "I want you...

Batter Up

I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team’s expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket...

Rooting for the Right Team

Blood may be thicker than water, but baseball beats them both. I learned this after explaining to my two boys that they were half-Lithuanian on their father’s side, and half-Yankee,...