Money Jokes

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade”.

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.

You don’t have to marry for money; hang around the rich and marry for love.

Money isn’t everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

Never lend money to a friend. It’s dangerous. It could damage his memory.

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge. “No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”

My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account. One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, “Guess I’ll use plastic.” Unconcerned, she whipped out her checkbook: “I’m using rubber.”

No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it. "With my daughter’s graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we’re a little strapped." "I’m getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You’ll have to wait a few more days." "We’re […]

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?” The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother […]

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens. "How did you do that?" he asked. "We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece […]

To publicize colon cancer screenings, an Idaho doctor suggested that a reminder be included in every tax notice. The idea was nixed. "Recommending a colonoscopy in the same envelope as the tax notice may be considered ironic," said the county treasurer.

I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me. "Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?" "Try for more, but I will accept $15," I […]

A Brooklyn café is charging $12 for a cup of Ethiopian coffee. The drink doesn’t have a name, so The Week asked its readers to do the honors. Mocha Dinero Cost-a-latte Brokefest Blend Excesso Ka-Ching-accino Goldbean Sachs Café au Laitaway

During an antiharassment seminar at work, I asked, "What’s the difference between harassment and good-natured teasing?" A co-worker shouted, "A million dollars." 

From our local TV news station, this undeniably true travel suggestion: "Next up, ten money-saving tips for your trip to Hawaii. Don’t go away!"