After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time.
• My pet goldfish died. —Self-employed builder
• Our business doesn’t really do anything. —Financial services firm
• I’ve been too busy submitting my clients’ tax returns. —Accountant
Source: HM Revenue & Customs
No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it.
"With my daughter’s graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we’re a little strapped."
"I’m getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You’ll have to wait a few more days."
"We’re a little short right now. But don’t worry—we’re getting a refund on my wife’s tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we’re getting back most of the bucks!"
"I didn’t pay the rent because I’m saving up to move."
"It’s your fault the check bounced. Why didn’t you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!"
A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.
“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”
“Um, no,” mumbled the director.
“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”
“I … I … I had no idea.”
“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.
"How did you do that?" he asked.
"We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.
"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"
"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left.
When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.
"Fifteen dollars each."
"Who bought them?"
A guy in a Kia pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.
"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again.
"Me too. What about a double bed?"
"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.
The Kia owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they’ll levy for something previously free.
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.
A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.
"Please, ma’am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."
"That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"
A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It’s now the drunk’s turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
One day at a local café, a woman suddenly called out, "My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!"
Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel.
The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened.
"Thank you!" the mother cried. "Tell me, are you a doctor?"
"No," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."