Money Jokes

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade”.

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.

You don’t have to marry for money; hang around the rich and marry for love.

Money isn’t everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

Never lend money to a friend. It’s dangerous. It could damage his memory.

After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If 
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank. @RowdyBowden (derek lawler)

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?” William Umberson, San Diego, California

Stoop sale this Sunday, 12 to 4 p.m. 
Throwing all my crap in the 
garbage this Sunday, 4:15 p.m. Ritch Duncan @ritchied

Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time. • My pet goldfish died. 
    —Self-employed builder • Our business doesn’t really do anything.     —Financial services firm • I’ve been too busy submitting my clients’ tax returns.     —Accountant Source: HM Revenue & Customs

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge. “No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”

My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account. One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, “Guess I’ll use plastic.” Unconcerned, she whipped out her checkbook: “I’m using rubber.”

No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it. "With my daughter’s graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we’re a little strapped." "I’m getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You’ll have to wait a few more days." "We’re […]

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?” The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother […]

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens. "How did you do that?" he asked. "We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece […]

To publicize colon cancer screenings, an Idaho doctor suggested that a reminder be included in every tax notice. The idea was nixed. "Recommending a colonoscopy in the same envelope as the tax notice may be considered ironic," said the county treasurer.

I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me. "Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?" "Try for more, but I will accept $15," I […]

A Brooklyn café is charging $12 for a cup of Ethiopian coffee. The drink doesn’t have a name, so The Week asked its readers to do the honors. Mocha Dinero Cost-a-latte Brokefest Blend Excesso Ka-Ching-accino Goldbean Sachs Café au Laitaway

During an antiharassment seminar at work, I asked, "What’s the difference between harassment and good-natured teasing?" A co-worker shouted, "A million dollars." 

From our local TV news station, this undeniably true travel suggestion: "Next up, ten money-saving tips for your trip to Hawaii. Don’t go away!"

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit. "What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I’ve bought cars for $500!" "That’s why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don’t have to drive $500 cars."

If your name is on the building, you’re rich; if your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class; if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.

I received a letter saying I would not be given the American Express credit card I’d requested because my income wasn’t substantial enough. Oddly enough, I work for American Express.

My husband is—how should I put this—cheap, once going so far as to reuse the freezer bags our grown daughter Molly left behind after a visit. Needless to say, it gave me a start when, looking through the freezer, I found packages labeled steak, chicken breast, and Molly.

A guy in a Kia pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods. "So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again. "Me too. What about a double bed?" "No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy. "Yep." The Kia owner […]

With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they’ll levy for something previously free. 1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card … 2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; […]

To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his mount took off. "How do I stop?" he yelled. "Bet on it!" I hollered back.

If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don’t teach him to subtract—teach him to deduct.

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity. "Please, ma’am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold […]

Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German shepherd. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cashbox to pay. Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."