Money Jokes

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade”.

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.

You don’t have to marry for money; hang around the rich and marry for love.

Money isn’t everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

Never lend money to a friend. It’s dangerous. It could damage his memory.

After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If 
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

@RowdyBowden (derek lawler)

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”

William Umberson, San Diego, California

Stoop sale this Sunday, 12 to 4 p.m. 
Throwing all my crap in the 
garbage this Sunday, 4:15 p.m.

Ritch Duncan @ritchied