Money Jokes
These money jokes and money puns will make you feel rich.
If we had a dollar for every time we made someone laugh, we’d make it rain with these money jokes.
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Not a Nice Hotel
Broke to the Bone
Q: Why was the dead man not living well? A: Because he was dead broke.
Q: Why was the dead man not living well? A: Because he was dead broke.
For Profit
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.
—Steven Wright, comedian
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.
—Steven Wright, comedian
Working 9 to 5?
Because my wife and I are flea market dealers, we usually carry stacks of $1 bills. Not long ago, we had lunch at a restaurant and paid the check with singles. As our waitress collected the ones, she sized up my 70-year-old wife and said, "You had a good night dancing last night, huh?"
Piece of the Pie
I stopped off at the supermarket to buy my son-in-law his favorite pie, sour cream raisin. The box had the $15 price stamped on the top, which I thought would be tacky on a gift, so I asked the man behind the counter for a marker to black out the price. Didn't work—you could still see the price through the ink.
"I know what to do," the man said. "I'll cover it up."And with that, he slapped a sticker over the price that read "$2.98 Day Old."
Becoming a CEO
The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. “I was young, married, and out of work,” he lectured. “I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for ten cents each.”
“I see,” said the junior executive. “You kept reinvesting your money and grew a big business.” “No,” said the CEO. “Then my wife’s father died and left me a fortune.”
Big Spender
Shopping Freeze
Innocent Customer
Wallet Half Empty
Money Marriage
Time is Money
Watch Exchange
Donate to Charity
Just like Clooney
Lunch Bully
Retirement
Marry Rich
“Dad, can I have some money?”
Richest People
Never Lend Money to a Friend
Making Amends With The IRS
Bank on Confusion
The Tax Man Cometh
BULLETIN: Stoop Sale
There Are Two Sure Things: Taxes, and Excuses
Money Troubles
Check Please!
Renters' Excuses
"With my daughter's graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we're a little strapped."
"I'm getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You'll have to wait a few more days."
"We're a little short right now. But don't worry—we're getting a refund on my wife's tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we're getting back most of the bucks!"
"I didn't pay the rent because I'm saving up to move."
"It's your fault the check bounced. Why didn't you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!"
A Charity Case
Lost and Found
"How did you do that?" he asked.
"We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
Taxing Notices
A Friendly Sale
"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"
"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left.
When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.
"Fifteen dollars each."
"Who bought them?"
"I did!"
Cup of Coffee
Mocha Dinero
Cost-a-latte
Brokefest Blend
Excesso
Ka-Ching-accino
Goldbean Sachs
Café au Laitaway
The Difference
True Statement
Dressing the Part
"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"
"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."
It's All in a Name
Work and Life
In the Freezer
Car Wars
"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again.
"Me too. What about a double bed?"
"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.
"Yep."
The Kia owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
Airline Fees
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.
Mind Off the Racetrack
"How do I stop?" he yelled.
"Bet on it!" I hollered back.
Good Parenting
Asking for Help
"Please, ma'am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They're about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."
"That's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"
"Their landlord."
Cashier
Frugality Now
Gambling
Cultural Shock
"Your pancakes are smaller than my mom's," she told him.
He replied, "That's because of the exchange rate."
Paying Up
Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel.
The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened.
"Thank you!" the mother cried. "Tell me, are you a doctor?"
"No," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."
By the Numbers
"Uh, Jim," I whispered, "that's the price, not the meal number."
"Oh," he said. "Then give me the 12."
Odd Gift
Great Writer
"Actually," says the tour guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway."
"Was he a writer?" the student asks.
"Yes. He wrote a big check."
Some Change
The Secret to Success
John replies, "But my mother is in a nursing home, my daughter just lost her job, and my son is starting college … If I can say no to them, I can say no to you too."
Taking It With You
After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn't put the money in there."
"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Cash Who?
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!
Robin Who?
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin' you! So hand over your money!
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin' you! So hand over your money!
Delivering Some Notice
Freelance newspaper writers don't get nearly as much attention as writers with regular bylines. So I was delighted when I finally got some notice. It was at the bank, and I was depositing a stack of checks.
"Wow," said the teller, reading off the names of publishers from the tops of the checks. "You must deliver a lot of papers."
Faulty Safe
"If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."
"If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."
Too Much Money
After patiently listening to an explanation of my husband's fees, he left the office with a prudent: "Thank you, sir, but I believe I'll just pray this one through."
Guilty Tax Payer
Penniless
I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.
It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.
Money Line
"We kept passing the money to the last guy," he said. "We figured you'd get here sooner or later."