I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into...
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Turn Off the Lights
My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off. —Comedian Matin Atrushi
Tip Jar Humor
Tip-jar humor in our local coffee shop: “Afraid of Change? Leave It Here.”
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Not a Nice Hotel
In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, the phone didn’t ring...
Broke to the Bone
Q: Why was the dead man not living well? A: Because he was dead broke.
For Profit
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.
—Steven Wright, comedian
Working 9 to 5?
Because my wife and I are flea market dealers, we usually carry stacks of $1 bills. Not long ago, we had lunch at a restaurant and paid the check with...
Piece of the Pie
I stopped off at the supermarket to buy my son-in-law his favorite pie, sour cream raisin. The box had the $15 price stamped on the top, which I thought would...
Becoming a CEO
The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. “I was young, married, and out of work,” he lectured. “I took the last nickel I had...
Big Spender
I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
Shopping Freeze
I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
Innocent Customer
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
Wallet Half Empty
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Money Marriage
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Time is Money
Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.
Watch Exchange
I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".
Donate to Charity
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Just like Clooney
You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.
Lunch Bully
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
Retirement
The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
Marry Rich
You don't have to marry for money; hang around the rich and marry for love.
“Dad, can I have some money?”
Money isn't everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.
Richest People
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Never Lend Money to a Friend
Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.
Making Amends With The IRS
After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a...
Bank on Confusion
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank. @RowdyBowden (derek lawler)
The Tax Man Cometh
A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring...
BULLETIN: Stoop Sale
Stoop sale this Sunday, 12 to 4 p.m.
Throwing all my crap in the
garbage this Sunday, 4:15 p.m. Ritch Duncan @ritchied
There Are Two Sure Things: Taxes, and Excuses
Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time. • My pet goldfish died.
—Self-employed builder • Our business doesn’t really do...
Money Troubles
I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t...
Check Please!
My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account. One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, “Guess I’ll use plastic.”...
Renters' Excuses
No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it. "With my daughter’s graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe...
A Charity Case
A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t...
Lost and Found
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found...
Taxing Notices
To publicize colon cancer screenings, an Idaho doctor suggested that a reminder be included in every tax notice. The idea was nixed. "Recommending a colonoscopy in the same envelope as...
A Friendly Sale
I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for...
Cup of Coffee
A Brooklyn café is charging $12 for a cup of Ethiopian coffee. The drink doesn’t have a name, so The Week asked its readers to do the honors. Mocha Dinero...
The Difference
During an antiharassment seminar at work, I asked, "What's the difference between harassment and good-natured teasing?" A co-worker shouted, "A million dollars."
True Statement
From our local TV news station, this undeniably true travel suggestion: "Next up, ten money-saving tips for your trip to Hawaii. Don't go away!"
Dressing the Part
Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit. "What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag....
It's All in a Name
If your name is on the building, you're rich; if your name is on your desk, you're middle-class; if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.
Work and Life
I received a letter saying I would not be given the American Express credit card I'd requested because my income wasn't substantial enough. Oddly enough, I work for American Express.
In the Freezer
My husband is—how should I put this—cheap, once going so far as to reuse the freezer bags our grown daughter Molly left behind after a visit. Needless to say, it...
Car Wars
A guy in a Kia pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods. "So is mine....
Airline Fees
With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they’ll levy for something previously free. 1. In the unlikely event of loss...
Mind Off the Racetrack
To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his mount took off. "How do I...
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Good Parenting
If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract—teach him to deduct.
Asking for Help
A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity. "Please, ma’am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down...
Cashier
Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German shepherd. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then...
Frugality Now
A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender...
Gambling
When he blew a wad of money at my blackjack table in the casino, a customer stood up and yelled, "How do you lose $200 at a $2 table?!" Before...
Cultural Shock
During a visit to our friend’s home in Canada, we were feted with a wonderful breakfast. But my six-year-old daughter was not impressed. "Your pancakes are smaller than my mom’s,"...
Paying Up
One day at a local café, a woman suddenly called out, "My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!" Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up...
By the Numbers
We were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, "I’ll have the 24." "Uh, Jim," I whispered,...
Odd Gift
I’ve never understood the concept of the gift certificate, because for the same 50 bucks, my friend could’ve gotten me 50 bucks.
Great Writer
Visiting a college campus, the prospective student spots a building called Hemingway Hall. "That’s nice," he says, "a building named for Ernest Hemingway." "Actually," says the tour guide, "it’s named...
Some Change
After cashing a check at the bank, the woman in front of me stood staring at her money. "Did I give you enough back?" asked the teller. "Yes," she said....
The Secret to Success
The pastor decides to use one rich parishioner to set an example. "John," he says, "you’re a successful businessman; surely you could contribute more to the building fund." John replies,...
Taking It With You
Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you’ll...
Cash Who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!
Robin Who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin' you! So hand over your money!
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin' you! So hand over your money!
Delivering Some Notice
Freelance newspaper writers don’t get nearly as much attention as writers with regular bylines. So I was delighted when I finally got some notice. It was at the bank, and...
Faulty Safe
On a billboard ad for a safe company:
"If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."
"If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."
Too Much Money
My husband, an attorney, is frequently consulted by clients who, after learning what the cost of legal services will be, decide to do without his aid. Recently the elderly minister...
Guilty Tax Payer
Dear IRS: I’m sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll send you the rest....
Penniless
I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was...
Money Line
Pulling into my service station 45 minutes late one morning, I shouted to the customers, "I’ll turn the pumps on right away!" What I didn’t know was that the night...