A frightened man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.” “Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.” “I will. I’m just here to…
Q: Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?
A: Chairman Meow.
Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
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Q: How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
A: All the red flags.
Q: Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
A: Because proper tea is theft.
A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH…
If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work • The 100 Worst Senators • The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We…
The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.
The star of Cake Boss was arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
Comedian Joe Toplyn
The latest parenting fads, according to the Onion: • Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become a partner in a successful…
The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. “[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with…
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for…
Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye.
The Olympics remind us that no matter what country we may be from, we all look dumb using an iPad as a camera.
What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West?
Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. David Letterman
Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.
The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.
Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a…
A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups: • A brat of boys • A giggle of girls • A stagger…
“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.” @Normwilner “I’d tap that.” @SanaSaeed “I know exactly where you have been all…
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
Give me a one-handed economist! All my economists say, “On the one hand …on the other.”
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
Misadventures in headline writing from around the world: City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan) Case of Innocent Man Freed After Spending 18 Years in Prison…
Historic headlines reimagined for a social media–obsessed audience: •1912: 6 Titanic Survivors Who Should Have Died •1920: 17 Things That Will Be Outlawed Now That Women Can Vote •1928: This…
Disharmony in Washington, D.C., proved a hassle for Philadelphia’s Independence Hall in October. A sign outside read “The Great Debates Program, ‘Is American Politics Broken?’ has been relocated due to…
Two Hollywood studios want to bring Lance Armstrong’s fuel-injected story to the big screen. What should they call it? L.A. Overconfidential There Will Be Blood Tests Needlejuiced Goon with the…
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where…
On January 20, 2009, we watch as President Barack Obama takes the oath of office. We’ve rounded up 17 of our favorite government and political jokes to get you in the inauguration spirit.