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© 2017 TRUSTED MEDIA BRANDS, INC.
A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved matter,” in Klingon.
Source: bbc.com
If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
Jon Stewart
• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
• The 100 Worst Senators
• The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We Make Them Discuss Fashion and Lindsay Lohan
Source: The Onion Magazine: The Iconic Covers That Transformed an Undeserving World (Little, Brown)
The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.
Jimmy Fallon
The star of Cake Boss was arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
Comedian Joe Toplyn
The latest parenting fads, according to the Onion:
• Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become a partner in a successful law firm.
• Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician.
• As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.
The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news.
“[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan
“He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
• Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top. —Dave Barry
• Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck
• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin
Crisp
Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye.
@MattGoldich
The Olympics remind us that no matter what country we may be from, we all look dumb using an iPad as a camera.
@DCpierson
What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West?
@Apocalypsehow
Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige.
David Letterman
Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.
@JoeToplyn
The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.
@Bazecraze
Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”
James Landis, Lancaster, Pennsylvania
A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups:
• A brat of boys
• A giggle of girls
• A stagger of drunks
• A tedium of accountants
• A stitch of doctors
• A whine of losers
• A jerk of politicians
“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”
@Normwilner
“I’d tap that.”
@SanaSaeed
“I know exactly where you have been all my life.”
@Adonish_P
From #NSAPickUpLines
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
Theodore Roosevelt
Give me a one-handed economist! All my economists say, “On the one hand … on the other.”
Harry Truman
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
—Ronald Reagan
Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
Bill Clinton
Misadventures in headline writing from around the world:
City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan)
Case of Innocent Man Freed After Spending 18 Years in Prison Proves Texas System Works —Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (Texas)
British Left Waffles on Falklands —The Guardian
At Last Singer Etta James Dies —dailymail.co.uk
Historic headlines reimagined for a social media–obsessed audience:
•1912: 6 Titanic Survivors Who Should Have Died
•1920: 17 Things That Will Be
Outlawed Now That Women
Can Vote
•1928: This One Weird Mold Kills All Germs
•1929: Most Embarrassing Reactions to the Stock Market Crash [GIFS]
•1948: 5 Insane Plans for Feeding West Berlin You Won’t Believe
Are Real
•1969: This Is the Most Important Photo of an Astronaut You’ll See
All Day
•1989: You Won’t Believe What
These People Did to the Berlin Wall! [Video]
—From xkcd.com
Disharmony in Washington, D.C., proved a hassle for Philadelphia’s Independence Hall in October.
A sign outside read “The Great Debates Program, ‘Is American Politics Broken?’ has been relocated due to Government Shutdown.”
Two Hollywood studios want to bring Lance Armstrong’s fuel-injected story to the big screen. What should they call it?
L.A. Overconfidential
There Will Be Blood Tests
Needlejuiced
Goon with the Schwinn
—From topfive.com
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
—Stephen Colbert
A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am."
"You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.
"You must be a Democrat."
"I am. How did you know?"
"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve been no help."
"You must be a Republican."
"Yes. How did you know?"
"You’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn’t keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault."
Also see: Top 6 Election Cartoons
1. Layered Government
Our government always struck me as having many layers. But I no longer think that, not after this e-mail from an associate in another country: "I demonstrated the product to the Minister of Defiance and his Chief of Stuff."
2. Time to Go
The huge backlog in the doctor’s waiting room was taking its toll. Patients were glancing at their watches and getting restless. Finally one man walked to the receptionist’s station and tapped on the glass. She slid back the window back, saying, "Sir, you’ll have to wait your turn."
"I just had a question," he said dryly, "Is George W. Bush still President?"
3. Unlikely Meeting
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," Bush said. "Nice weather we’re having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert."
4. Mouse Trap
My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he couldn’t see over the panels to find his way out, so he waited until he saw someone else leaving and followed him. He did the same the next day. On the third day he had to work late, long after his colleagues had left. He wandered around lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors, but then, just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle.
"How do you get out of here?" Jim asked.
The fellow looked up from his desk, smiled and said, "No cheese for you."
5. New Viruses
Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet: AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack — once if by LAN, twice if by C:>. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it’s an "electronic microorganism." Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
6. New Federal Employee
As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I’m not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found: "Ethics: Coming Soon!"
7. Sunscreen Mishap
My father, a Navy man, had the good fortune to be stationed in Hawaii — but the bad fortune to have fair skin. One day, after spending many hours under the hot sun, he reported back to duty with a terrible sunburn. Expecting sympathy, he was, instead, reprimanded by his superiors and then written up for "destruction of government property."
