Political Jokes

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved 
matter,” in Klingon.

Source: bbc.com

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

Jon Stewart

• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work

• The 100 Worst Senators

• The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We Make Them Discuss Fashion and Lindsay Lohan

Source: The Onion Magazine: The Iconic Covers That Transformed an Undeserving World (Little, Brown)

The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.

Jimmy Fallon

The star of Cake Boss was 
arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.

Comedian Joe Toplyn

The latest parenting fads, 
according to the Onion:

• Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become 
a partner in a successful law firm.

• Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician.

• As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news.

“[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan

“He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through 
security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford

• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine

• Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry

• Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck

• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding

• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin 
Crisp

Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye.

@MattGoldich

The Olympics remind us that no matter what country we may be from, we all look dumb using an iPad as a camera.

@DCpierson

What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West?

@Apocalypsehow

Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige.

David Letterman

Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.

@JoeToplyn

The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.

@Bazecraze

Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, 
recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a 
woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had 
bought her a beer.

“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”

“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”

James Landis, 
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups:
• A brat of boys
• A giggle of girls
• A stagger of drunks
• A tedium of accountants
• A stitch of doctors
• A whine of losers
• A jerk of politicians

“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”

@Normwilner

“I’d tap that.”

@SanaSaeed

“I know exactly where you have been all my life.”

@Adonish_P
From #NSAPickUpLines

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for 
a month.

Theodore Roosevelt