Political Jokes

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved 
matter,” in Klingon. Source: bbc.com

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? Jon Stewart

• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work • The 100 Worst Senators • The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We Make Them Discuss Fashion and Lindsay Lohan Source: The Onion Magazine: The Iconic Covers That Transformed an Undeserving World (Little, Brown)

The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus. Jimmy Fallon

The star of Cake Boss was 
arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. Comedian Joe Toplyn

The latest parenting fads, 
according to the Onion: • Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become 
a partner in a successful law firm. • Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician. • As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are […]

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. “[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a […]

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine • Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry • Never be in a 
hurry […]

Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye. @MattGoldich

The Olympics remind us that no matter what country we may be from, we all look dumb using an iPad as a camera. @DCpierson

What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West? @Apocalypsehow

Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. David Letterman

Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented. @JoeToplyn

The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut. @Bazecraze

Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, 
recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a 
woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had 
bought her a beer. “I’m running for mayor,” he […]

A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups: • A brat of boys • A giggle of girls • A stagger of drunks • A tedium of accountants • A stitch of doctors • A whine of losers • A jerk of politicians

“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.” @Normwilner “I’d tap that.” @SanaSaeed “I know exactly where you have been all my life.” @Adonish_P From #NSAPickUpLines

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for 
a month. Theodore Roosevelt

Give me a one-handed economist! 
All my 
economists say, “On the one hand …
on the other.” Harry Truman

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting. —Ronald Reagan

Being president is like 
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening. Bill Clinton

Misadventures in headline writing from around the world: City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan) Case of Innocent Man Freed 
After Spending 18 Years in Prison Proves Texas System Works —Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (Texas) British Left Waffles on Falklands —The Guardian At Last Singer Etta James Dies —dailymail.co.uk

Historic headlines reimagined for a social media–obsessed audience: •1912: 6 Titanic Survivors Who Should Have Died •1920: 17 Things That Will Be 
Outlawed Now That Women 
Can Vote •1928: This One Weird Mold Kills All Germs •1929: Most Embarrassing Reactions to the Stock Market Crash [GIFS] •1948: 5 Insane Plans for Feeding West Berlin You […]

Disharmony in Washington, D.C., proved a hassle for Philadelphia’s 
Independence Hall in October. A sign outside read “The Great Debates Program, ‘Is American Politics Broken?’ has been relocated due to Government Shutdown.”

Two Hollywood studios want to bring Lance Armstrong’s fuel-injected story to the big screen. What should they call it? L.A. Overconfidential There Will Be Blood Tests Needlejuiced Goon with the Schwinn —From topfive.com

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. —Stephen Colbert

A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am." "You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies. "You must be a Democrat." "I […]

On January 20, 2009, we watch as President Barack Obama takes the oath of office. We’ve rounded up 17 of our favorite government and political jokes to get you in the inauguration spirit.