FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Two snowmen were standing in a field, and one said to the other
‘Can you smell carrot?’
The second replied, ‘No, but I can taste coal.’
Q: What’s a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up … they have no holidays.
Q: Where Do Snowmen Go To Dance?
A: To snowballs!
Q: How Do Abomibable Snowmen Greet Each Other?
A: Ice to see you!
Q: What Did Frosty Call His Cow?
Q: What’s A Snowman’s Favorite Breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes!
Q: What does lactose free milk wish to the world?
A: Soy to the world
Q: How do you find the value of taking Yule the the xth power?
A: You take the yule log
Q: If they hold a pie eating contest this holiday season, which song will they sing?
A: Oh, Come all ye facefuls.
On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
Q: What do you call a snowman that can walk?
Q: Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
A: His wife was a total flake
Q: What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve?
A: Social Security
My New Years resolution is 1080p
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Q: Why was the snowman sad?
A: Cause he had a meltdown.
Q: What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.
Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.
Q: Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?
A: It needed to be trimmed.
On New Year’s Eve, I’ll join my friends to toast the days ahead. We’ll all stay up until it’s late, then eat a tasty spread. At midnight, though, I might just wish that I were home instead, sleeping very peacefully in my warm, cozy bed.
Did you hear that Santa knows karate?
He has a black belt.
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”
C. S., via mail
My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the resurrection of Christ.
“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, so she gave her students a hint: “It starts with the letter R.”
One boy blurted, “Recycle!”
Mari-Lynn Finley, Los Angeles, California
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)
For Martin Luther King Day, I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”
Jessica Castronovo, Manalapan, New Jersey
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”
The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
A friend knew that she’d overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six-year-old woke up to all the booty and shouted, “This is the best Christmas ever!”
Chris McDonough, Wilmington, Delaware
It’s New Year’s Eve, and the restaurant is hopping—revelers, band, overworked waiters. Wending his way through the crowd is a drunk, staggering back to his seat. Spotting an attractive woman sitting alone, he says, “Pardon me, miss, did I step on your feet a few minutes ago?”
“Yes,” she says testily, “you did.”
“Good! I knew my table was around here somewhere.”
I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks.
My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.
I’m on the Paleo diet, except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers.
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not, and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?”
I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?
When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”
When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.
What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common?
They know what it’s like to be stuffed and then jammed into a small place.
Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him.
As we began rehearsing Pilate’s solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. “Pilate, I don’t hear you,” he called out. “You’re not loud enough.”
“Pilate is at work,” a voice on the stage shouted back. “We’ve got our co-Pilate tonight.”
Contributed by Bill Dyson
Scene: A man applying for credit
at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
Ruth Sadeckas, Joelton, Tennessee
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That’s right—he was elf taught.
Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?
A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?
A: Santa Jaws!
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
Q: What is a lion’s favorite Christmas carol?
A: Jungle Bells.
Q: Why did the children call St. Nick “Santa Caus”?
A: Because there was Noël.
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one’ll sleigh you!
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
A mother gave her grown son two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited, he made sure to wear one. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she frowned.
“What’s the matter?” she asked. “You didn’t like the other one?”
Jennifer Pauly, Croton-on-Hudson, New York
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.
— Louis C.K.
My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, “There is no room at the inn.”
But during the performance—after Joseph begged for a room for his pregnant wife—the boy didn’t have the heart to turn him down.
“Well,” he said, “if it’s so urgent, come on in.”
In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine’s Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it into school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."
Mother’s Day is nigh, so we’re loath to say this: Mothers aren’t perfect. Here they admit it:
"My son knows he’s not allowed downstairs until 9 a.m. Reason? He’s been told that between 8 and 9 a.m., Mommy’s fighting the monster that lives in the laundry basket."
"I just ate a full pint of Häagen-Dazs, and when my three-year-old asked me what I was eating, I told her it was special medicine for mommies, because I didn’t want to share."
"My son was so excited for his second birthday, but when the day rolled around, I hadn’t pulled anything together—so I told him that he had the day wrong and his birthday was actually the following week."
"I haven’t taught my kids to tell time yet … That way, I can say it’s bedtime whenever I want."
My son Timothy was his brother’s best man. To commemorate the event, Daniel bought him a silver mug, but the engraver made a slight mistake. The mug read “Best man once, a bother forever.”
A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
"You cheap bum!" she yells. "This isn’t even real."
"I know," he says. "But in honor of Saint Patrick, I thought I’d buy you a sham-rock."
I don’t know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.
“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.
Greeting Cards: When you care enough to send the very best but not enough to actually write something.
Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”
“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”
Spending more time with family:
Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother’s mother-in-law. “Now I can’t make up my mind whether he’s my dad or my father-in- law,” says my brother, “or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece.” — Oscar Reagan
Getting in shape:
A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what “runner’s euphoria” was. “Runner’s euphoria,” he explained, “is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.” — Neil P. Budge
Starting that diet:
My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.” — Katina Fisher
I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to “be cool.”
As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, “Hey, I’ll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?” — Judi Moore
The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. “The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’ ” she began. “Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it.”
When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, “Hey, isn’t that the Atkins diet?” — David Martino
Reducing your debt:
Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.
I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.
“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.” — R. Horn
Learning new things:
I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter. Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, “For the show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?”
Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, “What’s the difference?” — Kimmie Helk
Better teeth care:
Just because one owns a business doesn’t mean it has to be all business. This sign in a dentist’s office proves that point: “Be True to Your Teeth, or They Will Be False to You.” — James Wertz
Becoming more organized:
My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, “I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath.”
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, “When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest.” — Mary I. Costain
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. “Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?” I asked. He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. “Sir,” I asked the customer, “can you tell me what’s in that drink?”
He looked at me like I was crazy. “It’s wine,” he said, pronouncing his words carefully, “Sauvignon blanc.” — Christie Eckels
Just before Easter I remarked to my husband that, with the children grown and away from home, this was the first year that we hadn’t dyed eggs and had an Easter-egg hunt.
“That’s all right, honey,” he said. “We can just hide each other’s vitamin pills.”
My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter. "So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"
Katie replied, "I think it’s my uncle Brian."