Q: Where did the vampire college student go clothes shopping?
A: Forever 21
Holiday Jokes
Celebrate the holidays all year long with these funny holiday jokes.
Share your holiday humor with these holiday puns and New Year jokes that spread more cheer throughout the year. Our Thanksgiving jokes, Christmas jokes and Santa jokes are a fan favorite.
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Snowman Snack
Q. What do snowmen order at fast-food restaurants?
A. An iceberg-er and fries!
Q. What do snowmen order at fast-food restaurants?
A. An iceberg-er and fries!
Sick Snowman
Q. What do snowmen do when they're not feeling well?
A. They take a chill pill!
Q. What do snowmen do when they're not feeling well?
A. They take a chill pill!
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Melted Snowman
Q. What do you call a snowman in July?
A. A puddle.
Q. What do you call a snowman in July?
A. A puddle.
April Fool’s Monster
Q: What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes?
A: Prankenstein.
Q: What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes?
A: Prankenstein.
Twelve Days of Christmas Mayhem
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Snowman Senses
Two snowmen were standing in a field, and one said to the other
'Can you smell carrot?'
The second replied, 'No, but I can taste coal.'
Two snowmen were standing in a field, and one said to the other
'Can you smell carrot?'
The second replied, 'No, but I can taste coal.'
Catching Snowflakes
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Attempted Atheist
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up ... they have no holidays.
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up ... they have no holidays.
Dancing Snowmen
Q: Where Do Snowmen Go To Dance?
A: To snowballs!
Q: Where Do Snowmen Go To Dance?
A: To snowballs!
Snowmen Greetings
Q: How Do Abomibable Snowmen Greet Each Other?
A: Ice to see you!
Q: How Do Abomibable Snowmen Greet Each Other?
A: Ice to see you!
Frosty’s Cow
Q: What Did Frosty Call His Cow?
A: Eskimoo!
Q: What Did Frosty Call His Cow?
A: Eskimoo!
Snowman Breakfast
Q: What's A Snowman's Favorite Breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes!
Q: What's A Snowman's Favorite Breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes!
Thankful Milk
Q: What does lactose free milk wish to the world?
A: Soy to the world
Q: What does lactose free milk wish to the world?
A: Soy to the world
Holiday Math
Q: How do you find the value of taking Yule the the xth power?
A: You take the yule log
Q: How do you find the value of taking Yule the the xth power?
A: You take the yule log
Pie Eaters
Q: If they hold a pie eating contest this holiday season, which song will they sing?
A: Oh, Come all ye facefuls.
Q: If they hold a pie eating contest this holiday season, which song will they sing?
A: Oh, Come all ye facefuls.
Too Much Drinking
On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
TV Reading
My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
Walking Snowman
Q: What do you call a snowman that can walk?
A: Snow-mobile
Q: What do you call a snowman that can walk?
A: Snow-mobile
Failed Snowman Marriage
Q: Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
A: His wife was a total flake
Q: Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
A: His wife was a total flake
NYE Date
Q: What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve?
A: Social Security
Q: What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve?
A: Social Security
High Definition
My New Years resolution is 1080p
My New Years resolution is 1080p
New Year’s Resolutions
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Sad Snowman
Q: Why was the snowman sad?
A: Cause he had a meltdown.
Q: Why was the snowman sad?
A: Cause he had a meltdown.
Non-Believer
Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.
Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.
Santa’s in Debt
Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.
Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.
Christmas Cut
Q: Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?
A: It needed to be trimmed.
Q: Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?
A: It needed to be trimmed.
A Fresh Start
On New Year’s Eve, I’ll join my friends to toast the days ahead.
We’ll all stay up until it’s late, then eat a tasty spread.
At midnight, though, I might just wish that I were home instead,
sleeping very peacefully in my warm, cozy bed.
On New Year’s Eve, I’ll join my friends to toast the days ahead. We’ll all stay up until it’s late, then eat a tasty spread. At midnight, though, I might...
Kung Fu Santa
Did you hear that Santa knows karate?
He has a black belt.
Did you hear that Santa knows karate?
He has a black belt.
My Grandson Is A Smart Egg…
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the
bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s
a man in his mouth!”
C. S., via mail
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just...
And The Lord Separated His Paper From His Plastics…
My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the
resurrection of Christ.
“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response,
so she gave her students a hint:
“It starts with the letter R.”
One boy blurted, “Recycle!”
Mari-Lynn Finley, Los Angeles, California
My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the resurrection of Christ. “What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was...
A Light-bulb Moment
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)
A Kid With A Dream
For Martin Luther King Day,
I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”
Jessica Castronovo,
Manalapan, New Jersey
For Martin Luther King Day, I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an...
Confessions of a Store Santa
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”
The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along,
I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”
From guy-sports.com
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to...
8 Days’ Worth
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before
replying, “Give me six Orthodox,
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk. Mary thinks a second before replying, “Give me six Orthodox,...
Robert Brault on Halloween
I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
—Robert Brault
I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
—Robert Brault
Reid Faylor on Halloween
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him.
—Reid Faylor
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him.
—Reid Faylor
David Letterman on Halloween
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
—David Letterman
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
—David Letterman
A Tough Question, by Betsy Salkind
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
Betsy Salkind
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
Betsy Salkind
A White Easter
A friend knew that she’d overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six-year-old woke up to all the booty and shouted, “This is the best Christmas ever!”
Chris McDonough, Wilmington, Delaware
A friend knew that she’d overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six-year-old woke up to all the booty and shouted, “This is the best Christmas...
New Year, Old Problems
It’s New Year’s Eve, and the restaurant is hopping—revelers, band, overworked waiters. Wending his way through the crowd is a drunk, staggering back to his seat. Spotting an attractive woman sitting alone, he says, “Pardon me, miss, did I step on your feet a few minutes ago?”
“Yes,” she says testily, “you did.”
“Good! I knew my table was around here somewhere.”
It’s New Year’s Eve, and the restaurant is hopping—revelers, band, overworked waiters. Wending his way through the crowd is a drunk, staggering back to his seat. Spotting an attractive woman...
The Greatest Disguise
I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks.
Jimmy Kimmel
I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks.
Jimmy Kimmel
A Colorful Diet
My parents used to stuff
me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.
Wendy Liebman
My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. Wendy...
The Better Paleo Diet
I’m on the Paleo diet,
except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers.
@rexhuppke
I’m on the Paleo diet,
except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers.
@rexhuppke
You Are What Your Eat
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
Rob O’Reilly
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
Rob O’Reilly
A Holiday Quiz
“Pretend to be someone you’re
not, and receive candy.” Quick:
Halloween or
Valentine’s Day?
@aaronfullerton
“Pretend to be someone you’re
not, and receive candy.” Quick:
Halloween or
Valentine’s Day?
@aaronfullerton
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I'm a Busy Ghost, People
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?”
I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?
Jerry Seinfeld
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?” I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?...
A Fun-Size Quibble
When it comes
to candy bars, the term fun-sized
is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are:
“disappointment-sized.”
Jimmy Kimmel
When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call...
A Thanksgiving Problem
When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.
@ConanOBrien
When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.
@ConanOBrien
Who's the Real Turkey?
What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have
in common?
They know what it’s like to be stuffed and then jammed into
a small place.
What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have
in common?
They know what it’s like to be stuffed and then jammed into
a small place.
Standby, Soldier
Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him.
As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out. "You're not loud enough."
"Pilate is at work," a voice on the stage shouted back. "We've got our co-Pilate tonight."
Contributed by Bill Dyson
Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member...
Part-Time Work
Scene: A man applying for credit
at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
Ruth Sadeckas, Joelton, Tennessee
Scene: A man applying for credit at a department store. Clerk: What do you do for a living? Man: I’m a tree trimmer. Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?...
No Umbrellas at the North Pole?
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
Reindeer Lessons
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That's right—he was elf taught.
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That's right—he was elf taught.
Green Thumb?
Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?
A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?
A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
Great White Christmas
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they're sleeping?
A: Santa Jaws!
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they're sleeping?
A: Santa Jaws!
Oh, iGet It
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
Laughing All the Way!
Q: What is a lion's favorite Christmas carol?
A: Jungle Bells.
Q: What is a lion's favorite Christmas carol?
A: Jungle Bells.
Kids Say the Darnedest Things
Q: Why did the children call St. Nick "Santa Caus"?
A: Because there was Noël.
Q: Why did the children call St. Nick "Santa Caus"?
A: Because there was Noël.
Open Mic Night at the North Pole
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one'll sleigh you!
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one'll sleigh you!
Christmas in Eden
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
Gift of The Magi?
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
Anthony Jeselnik
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade...
The Oy of Giving
A mother gave her grown son two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited, he made sure to wear one. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she frowned.
“What’s the matter?” she asked. “You didn’t like the other one?”
Jennifer Pauly, Croton-on-Hudson, New York
A mother gave her grown son two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited, he made sure to wear one. As he entered her home, instead of the expected...
‘Tis The Season…Isn’t It?
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also
go in mid-December.
— Louis C.K.
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also
go in mid-December.
— Louis C.K.
Alternate History
My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, "There is no room at the inn."
But during the performance—after Joseph begged for a room for his pregnant wife—the boy didn't have the heart to turn him down.
"Well," he said, "if it's so urgent, come on in."
My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, “There is no room at the...
Second Thoughts
In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine's Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it into school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."
"What happened?" I asked.
"Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."
In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine’s Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it into school. When I...
Mothers' Confessions
Mother's Day is nigh, so we're loath to say this: Mothers aren't perfect. Here they admit it:
"My son knows he's not allowed downstairs until 9 a.m. Reason? He's been told that between 8 and 9 a.m., Mommy's fighting the monster that lives in the laundry basket."
"I just ate a full pint of Häagen-Dazs, and when my three-year-old asked me what I was eating, I told her it was special medicine for mommies, because I didn't want to share."
"My son was so excited for his second birthday, but when the day rolled around, I hadn't pulled anything together—so I told him that he had the day wrong and his birthday was actually the following week."
"I haven't taught my kids to tell time yet … That way, I can say it's bedtime whenever I want."
"My son knows he's not allowed downstairs until 9 a.m. Reason? He's been told that between 8 and 9 a.m., Mommy's fighting the monster that lives in the laundry basket."
"I just ate a full pint of Häagen-Dazs, and when my three-year-old asked me what I was eating, I told her it was special medicine for mommies, because I didn't want to share."
"My son was so excited for his second birthday, but when the day rolled around, I hadn't pulled anything together—so I told him that he had the day wrong and his birthday was actually the following week."
"I haven't taught my kids to tell time yet … That way, I can say it's bedtime whenever I want."
Mother’s Day is nigh, so we’re loath to say this: Mothers aren’t perfect. Here they admit it: "My son knows he’s not allowed downstairs until 9 a.m. Reason? He’s been...
The Best Man
My son Timothy was his brother's best man. To commemorate the event, Daniel bought him a silver mug, but the engraver made a slight mistake. The mug read "Best man once, a bother forever."
My son Timothy was his brother’s best man. To commemorate the event, Daniel bought him a silver mug, but the engraver made a slight mistake. The mug read “Best man...
Gift From Dublin
A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
"You cheap bum!" she yells. "This isn’t even real."
"I know," he says. "But in honor of Saint Patrick, I thought I’d buy you a sham-rock."
"You cheap bum!" she yells. "This isn’t even real."
"I know," he says. "But in honor of Saint Patrick, I thought I’d buy you a sham-rock."
A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. "You cheap bum!" she yells. "This isn’t even real." "I know,"...
Cupid
I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
I don’t know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me...
Entrance to Heaven
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. "In order to get in," he tells them, "you must each produce something representative of the holidays."
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. "This represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. "These are bells." He's allowed in too.
"So," Peter says to the third man, "what do you have?"
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
"What do these have to do with Christmas?" asks Peter.
"They're Carol's."
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative...
Into the Church
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the...
Interesting Gifts
For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.
For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.