Holiday Jokes

Celebrate the holidays all year long with these funny holiday jokes.

Share your holiday humor with these holiday puns and New Year jokes that spread more cheer throughout the year. Our Thanksgiving jokes, Christmas jokes and Santa jokes are a fan favorite.

Where Vampires Shop

Q: Where did the vampire college student go clothes shopping? A: Forever 21

Snowman Snack

Q. What do snowmen order at fast-food restaurants? A. An iceberg-er and fries!

Sick Snowman

Q. What do snowmen do when they're not feeling well? A. They take a chill pill!

Melted Snowman

Q. What do you call a snowman in July? A. A puddle.

April Fool’s Monster

Q: What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes?  A: Prankenstein.

Twelve Days of Christmas Mayhem

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

Snowman Senses

Two snowmen were standing in a field, and one said to the other 'Can you smell carrot?' The second replied, 'No, but I can taste coal.'

Catching Snowflakes

Q: What's a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Attempted Atheist

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up ... they have no holidays.

Dancing Snowmen

Q: Where Do Snowmen Go To Dance? A: To snowballs!

Snowmen Greetings

Q: How Do Abomibable Snowmen Greet Each Other? A: Ice to see you!

Frosty’s Cow

Q: What Did Frosty Call His Cow? A: Eskimoo!

Snowman Breakfast

Q: What's A Snowman's Favorite Breakfast? A: Frosted Flakes!

Thankful Milk

Q: What does lactose free milk wish to the world? A: Soy to the world

Holiday Math

Q: How do you find the value of taking Yule the the xth power? A: You take the yule log

Pie Eaters

Q: If they hold a pie eating contest this holiday season, which song will they sing? A: Oh, Come all ye facefuls.

Too Much Drinking

On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.

TV Reading

My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

Walking Snowman

Q: What do you call a snowman that can walk? A: Snow-mobile

Failed Snowman Marriage

Q: Why did Frosty ask for a divorce? A: His wife was a total flake

NYE Date

Q: What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve? A: Social Security

High Definition

My New Years resolution is 1080p

New Year’s Resolutions

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Sad Snowman

Q: Why was the snowman sad? A: Cause he had a meltdown.

Non-Believer

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A: A rebel without a Claus.

Santa’s in Debt

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa? A: Saint Nickel-less.

Christmas Cut

Q: Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? A: It needed to be trimmed.

A Fresh Start

On New Year’s Eve, I’ll join my friends to toast the days ahead. We’ll all stay up until it’s late, then eat a tasty spread. At midnight, though, I might...

Kung Fu Santa

Did you hear that Santa knows karate? He has a black belt.

My Grandson Is A Smart Egg…

At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just...

And The Lord Separated His Paper From His Plastics…

My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the 
resurrection of Christ. “What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was...

A Light-bulb Moment

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant. Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)

A Kid With A Dream

For Martin Luther King Day, 
I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an...

Confessions of a Store Santa

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to...

8 Days’ Worth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk. Mary thinks a second before 
replying, “Give me six Orthodox,...

Robert Brault on Halloween

I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids. —Robert Brault

Reid Faylor on Halloween

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. —Reid Faylor

David Letterman on Halloween

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. —David Letterman

A Tough Question, by Betsy Salkind

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people? Betsy Salkind

A White Easter

A friend knew that she’d overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six-year-old woke up to all the booty and shouted, “This is the best Christmas...

New Year, Old Problems

It’s New Year’s Eve, and the restaurant is hopping—revelers, band, overworked waiters. Wending his way through the crowd is a drunk, staggering back to his seat. Spotting an attractive woman...

The Greatest Disguise

I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks. Jimmy Kimmel

A Colorful Diet

My parents used to stuff 
me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. Wendy...

The Better Paleo Diet

I’m on the Paleo diet, 
except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers. @rexhuppke

You Are What Your Eat

I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism. Rob O’Reilly

A Holiday Quiz

“Pretend to be someone you’re 
not, and receive candy.” Quick: 
Halloween or 
Valentine’s Day? @aaronfullerton

I'm a Busy Ghost, People

People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?” I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?...

A Fun-Size Quibble

When it comes 
to candy bars, the term fun-sized 
is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call...

A Thanksgiving Problem

When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand. @ConanOBrien

Who's the Real Turkey?

What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have 
in common? They know what it’s like to be stuffed and then jammed into 
a small place.

Standby, Soldier

Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member...

Part-Time Work

Scene: A man applying for credit 
at a department store. Clerk: What do you do for a living? Man: I’m a tree trimmer. Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?...

No Umbrellas at the North Pole?

Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet? A: Because they are rain deer.

Reindeer Lessons

Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school? That's right—he was elf taught.

Green Thumb?

Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole? A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

Great White Christmas

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they're sleeping? A: Santa Jaws!

Oh, iGet It

Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A: A pineapple.

Laughing All the Way!

Q: What is a lion's favorite Christmas carol? A: Jungle Bells.

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

Q: Why did the children call St. Nick "Santa Caus"? A: Because there was Noël.

Open Mic Night at the North Pole

Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke? A: This one'll sleigh you!

Christmas in Eden

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas? A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Gift of The Magi?

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade...

The Oy of Giving

A mother gave her grown son two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited, he made sure to wear one. As he entered her home, instead of the expected...

‘Tis The Season…Isn’t It?

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also 
go in mid-December. — Louis C.K.

Alternate History

My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, “There is no room at the...

Second Thoughts

In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine’s Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it into school. When I...

Mothers' Confessions

Mother’s Day is nigh, so we’re loath to say this: Mothers aren’t perfect. Here they admit it: "My son knows he’s not allowed downstairs until 9 a.m. Reason? He’s been...

The Best Man

My son Timothy was his brother’s best man. To commemorate the event, Daniel bought him a silver mug, but the engraver made a slight mistake. The mug read “Best man...

Gift From Dublin

A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. "You cheap bum!" she yells. "This isn’t even real." "I know,"...

Cupid

I don’t know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me...

Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative...

Into the Church

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the...

Interesting Gifts

For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.