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Don't wake up mom! There are at least seven species who eat their young. Your mom may be one of them.
- One person who does the work of 20. For free
You know you're a mom when... ...picking up another human to smell their butt is not only normal but totally necessary
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Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.
When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies. —Michael Ian Black, from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)
Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come...
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss. @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)
“We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” —Dog mom Alex Baze (@bazecraze)
My mother was rushed to the hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk. Unimpressed, Mom said to...
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child. @1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)
Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents: Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL. Son: Why is that funny? Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean? Son:...
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane...
I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.” @StefenColalillo On Valentine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the...
“My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill he’d gotten as a present. “That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?” Pointing to...
In an attempt to balance work and motherhood, I delegated the grocery shopping to my young babysitter. But the job proved a tad daunting. One day while I was at...
My mom moved into a new condo, and I went to visit for a couple of days. Searching for a coffee cup one morning, I sighed, “It seems like I’m...
Renting a film? Check My Mom’s Movie Review, where comic Lauren Palmigiano’s mother gives her opinions. Burlesque Oh. My. God. Loved it. I will watch this 100 times. If I’m...
I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and...
My coworker at the hotel was miserable at his job and was desperately searching for a new one. "Why don’t you work for your mother?" I suggested. He shook his...
My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his hypercritical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends...
Over dinner, I explained the health benefits of a colorful meal to my family. "The more colors, the more variety of nutrients," I told them. Pointing to our food, I...
“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend. “Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like...
My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that...
I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake. "Hi!" It was my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all...
Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she lets him have...
The night we took our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time, my husband ordered a bottle of wine. The server brought it over, began the...
My mother, a master of guilt trips, showed me a photo of herself waiting by a phone that never rings. "Mom, I call all the time," I said. "If you...
A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn’t know what to say,"...
My mother is always trying to understand what motivates people, especially those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one relative’s bad luck. "Why do...
On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I’m sorry, all we have...
I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to "be cool." As I outlined the...
Mother and I were discussing our mutual weight problem one evening, when I challenged her to a contest. If I lost the most weight in the next month, I wouldn’t...
One rainy morning, my mother went for her daily run. As she returned to the house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head on the driveway. I called the paramedics....
Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in...
When I arrived at school for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention...
On our way to my parents’ house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. "Isn’t that skirt a bit short?" I asked. She rolled her eyes...
While driving on the highway, my daughter noticed a child in the window of a car in the next lane, holding up a handwritten sign that read "Help." A few...
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn’t lit up a cigarette once. “Are you trying to kick the habit?” “No,” I replied, “I’ve...
While doing renovations in our house, one of the workmen paused to look at a flattering photo of me wearing makeup and a fancy gown. I heard him let out...