Don’t wake up mom! There are at least seven species who eat their young. Your mom may be one of them.
I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.” @StefenColalillo On Valentine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to abbreviate, Mom. @HollyLouHarris My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.” @stefaniLegs
My mom moved into a new condo, and I went to visit for a couple of days. Searching for a coffee cup one morning, I sighed, “It seems like I’m always looking for something in your kitchen.” “That’s good,” Mom said. When I looked confused, she explained, “Because when you know where to look, it’s […]
Renting a film? Check My Mom’s Movie Review, where comic Lauren Palmigiano’s mother gives her opinions. Burlesque Oh. My. God. Loved it. I will watch this 100 times. If I’m in jail and they ask what I want for my last meal—I’ll say, "The Burlesque DVD and lobster." The Town I thought it was the […]
My coworker at the hotel was miserable at his job and was desperately searching for a new one. "Why don’t you work for your mother?" I suggested. He shook his head. "I can’t," he said. "Her company has a very strict policy against hiring relatives." "Who made up that ridiculous rule?" "My mother."
My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his hypercritical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn’t tell his mom which one he intended to marry. After the four women left, he asked his mother, "Can you guess […]
My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."
A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn’t know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did […]
My mother is always trying to understand what motivates people, especially those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one relative’s bad luck. "Why do you suppose she changed jobs?" Mother asked my sister. "Maybe she has a subconscious desire not to succeed." "Or maybe it just happened," said my […]
On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I’m sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?" "That’s fine," Sandy said. "Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait […]
I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to "be cool." As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, "Hey, I’ll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool […]
One rainy morning, my mother went for her daily run. As she returned to the house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head on the driveway. I called the paramedics. When they arrived, they asked my mom some questions to determine her coherency. “What is today?” inquired one man. Without hesitation, Mom replied, “Trash day.”
When I arrived at school for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I’ve even found […]
While doing renovations in our house, one of the workmen paused to look at a flattering photo of me wearing makeup and a fancy gown. I heard him let out a low whistle and ask my son, Joshua, "Who’s that?" "That’s my mom," Joshua answered. "Wow," the man said, "my mother doesn’t look like that." […]