We love our moms. Make them laugh with these funny mom jokes.
Make it feel like Mother’s day every day with our mom jokes and Mother’s day jokes. You can also check out our comprehensive list of dad jokes to get both parents chuckling.
- One person who does the work of 20. For free
- One person who does the work of 20. For free
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Oh. My. God. Loved it. I will watch this 100 times. If I'm in jail and they ask what I want for my last meal—I'll say, "The Burlesque DVD and lobster."
I thought it was the Betty White movie, so I was very surprised when I saw it was the Ben Affleck movie. Actually, I didn't understand a lot of what they were saying because they had the thickest Boston accents I've ever heard. It sounded like a foreign language, but I know it was English.
I thought it was going to be really scary. But I only screamed one time. A one-screamer. Leonardo DiCaprio's hair in the movie looks terrible. They gave him a bowl cut. He has a tiny Band-Aid on his forehead. They never explain why it's there. Maybe he had a pimple.
"Why don’t you work for your mother?" I suggested.
He shook his head. "I can’t," he said. "Her company has a very strict policy against hiring relatives."
"Who made up that ridiculous rule?"
After the four women left, he asked his mother, "Can you guess which one I want to marry?"
"The one with short hair."
"Yes! How'd you know?"
"Because that's the one I didn't like."
"Six," volunteered my daughter. "Seven if you count the burned parts."
"Hi!" It was my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.
"Mom," I interrupted. "It's five in the morning."
"Really? What are you doing up so early?"
"You still haven't used the present I gave you last year."
My six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that."
"Mom, I call all the time," I said. "If you had voicemail, you'd know." Soon after, my brother installed it for her.
When I called the next time, I got her message: "If you are a salesperson, press one. If you're a friend, press two. If you're my daughter who never calls, press 911 because the shock will probably give me a heart attack."
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
My mother is always trying to understand what motivates people, especially those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one relative's bad luck. "Why do you suppose she changed jobs?" Mother asked my sister. "Maybe she has a subconscious desire not to succeed."
"Or maybe it just happened," said my sister, exasperated. "Do you know you analyze everything to death?"
Mother was silent for a moment. "That's true," she said. "Why do you think I do that?"
"That's fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, "Hey, I'll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?"
"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk."
"I don't understand," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Gulbrandsen, our appointment was tomorrow."
When we arrived at my folks' place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and said, "Elizabeth! Don't you think that blouse is awfully low-cut?"
A few minutes later, the car passed her and she again glanced at it. The little boy held up the same sign and this time followed it with another, which read "My mother is singing!"
"That's my mom," Joshua answered.
"Wow," the man said, "my mother doesn't look like that."
"Yeah," my son said, "well, neither does mine."