Diet Jokes

Q: Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?

A: He’ll dessert you.

I tell people I’m on a low-carb diet. But in reality, I just eat pasta while lying on the floor.

Stephen Colbert

Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?

She heard you could get thinner there.

“Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”

Q: How did Native Americans say vegetarian?

A: “Bad hunter!”

I’m not vegetarian because I love animals. I’m vegetarian because I hate vegetables.

Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper? He sold his soul to seitan!

“I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.”—@sbellelauren

The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback

Q. What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A. A desserter.

Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.

Q. What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet?

A. A beer in each hand.

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.

A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.  Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.

The most fattening thing that you can put in an ice cream sundae is the spoon.

Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon.  However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever.  Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don’t eat them.

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat.  It’s watching what other people eat.

Do you call a person who has abandoned their diet a desserter?

Never go back for seconds… get it all the first time.

A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you’re off it.

Is it true that a collection of jokes about dieting can be referred to as: ‘a binge of jokes’?

Did you hear about the gourmet who avoids unfashionable restaurants because he doesn’t want to gain weight in the wrong places?

I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.—@sbellelauren

My snack got lost in my purse, so I guess I’m on a diet now.—@msgweni

The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback

“If you lose weight when you stop drinking Diet Coke imagine how much we’d lose if we stopped dieting.”—@JimGaffigan

My fitness coach told me to bend down and touch my toes. I said, “I don’t have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?” —@KerryKatona7

It took a lot of will power. But I finally gave up dieting.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two…alone. —”Laugh Yourself Healthy,” by Charles Hunter

I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.

Definition of Calories: Tiny creatures colonizing your closet. They sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.

I have fillings in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me to the kitchen. That’s why I can’t lose weight.

My fitness goal is to get down to what I told the DMV I weigh.

Wouldn’t it be so great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?

Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.

Hey, Lady! Want to drop 5 pounds? Let go of the purse.

What do you get when you put the right amount of meat and vegetables on a scale? A balanced meal.

It took a lot of willpower, but I finally gave up dieting.

How do most people curb their appetite? At the drive thru window.

If you are what you eat … I need to eat a skinny person.

What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley

I’m not fat, but I’m not thin either. I’m at a point where you can definitely tell I like chocolate cake.

You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!

I heard Bruce Willis is trying to lose weight. Apparently, he’s trying to “Diet Hard.”

My brain said “crunches” but my stomach auto-corrected it to “cupcakes.”

You have a Slim-Fast for breakfast, a Slim-Fast for lunch; then, you eat a “sensible dinner.” How sensible are you going to be after eating powder all day?

Why are most horses in shape? Because they are on a stable diet.

I have removed all the food from the house. It was delicious

What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet? A desserter.

I finally heard some good news. I’m not overweight. I’m undertall. What a relief!

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

Trail mix is just an inconvenient way to eat M&Ms.

Diet tip: Your pants won’t get too tight if you don’t wear any.

The most annoying are those people in exceptionally good shape at the gym. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

I’m going to open up a low carb bakery and I’m going to call it No Bun Intended.

When someone asks me if I quit my diet… not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy Twinkies.

The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying “I ate nachos,” I say “I accidentally ate nachos.”

I know it’s three meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

Why spend $80 on a swimsuit when you can buy 320 chicken nuggets.

I wish I hated pizza as much as pizza hates me.

Q: Have you heard of the garlic diet?

A: You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!

Things just aren’t going to work out between us. It’s not you, it’s me. You are tasteless, boring, and I can’t stop cheating on you.

I’m on day 2 of a “diet” which means I’m always one minor annoyance away from eating every single person in my office.

1. Read about new diet
2. Spend $300 on vegetables
3. Commit publicly to diet on FB
4. Dive head first into plate of bacon

Every time I make plans to eat better, I can hear my stomach laughing.

Q: What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea?

A: A salad shooter.

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

Every time I start a diet I hear the Mission Impossible theme song in my head.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.