Q: Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet?
A: You can get thinner there.
You’ll LOVE This One
Q: Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?
A: He’ll dessert you.
How Low Can You Go?
I tell people I’m on a low-carb diet. But in reality, I just eat pasta while lying on the floor.
Stephen Colbert
CATEGORIES
- Animal Jokes
- Animal Puns
- Bad Puns
- Bar Jokes
- Birthday Jokes
- Cat Jokes
- Cat Puns
- Christmas Jokes
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- Diet Jokes
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- Dog Puns
- Dumb and Funny Jokes
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- Funny Headlines
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- Weight Loss Jokes
Off-Color Eaters
Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?
She heard you could get thinner there.
What’s Your Beef?
“Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”
Vegan Insult
Q: How did Native Americans say vegetarian?
A: “Bad hunter!”
Diet Downer
I’m not vegetarian because I love animals. I’m vegetarian because I hate vegetables.
Vegan Crossroads
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper? He sold his soul to seitan!
Nationwide Eating Plan
“I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.”—@sbellelauren
Nacho Normal Diet
The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback
Sugar Free
Q. What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?
A. A desserter.
Time Weighs on You
Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.
Can-Do Diet
Q. What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet?
A. A beer in each hand.
I Have a Dieter Inside Me
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.
Get Thrown Out
A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror. Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat…
Fattening Spoon
The most fattening thing that you can put in an ice cream sundae is the spoon.
Chocolate Chip Diet
Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don’t…
Don’t Watch Others Eat
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.
Dessert Ditcher
Do you call a person who has abandoned their diet a desserter?
