Diet Jokes

Get Thrown Out

A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.  Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.

Chocolate Chip Diet

Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon.  However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever.  Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don’t eat them.

One Day Diet

A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you’re off it.

Losing It

My snack got lost in my purse, so I guess I’m on a diet now.—@msgweni

Nacho Normal Diet

The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback

Never Say Diet

“If you lose weight when you stop drinking Diet Coke imagine how much we’d lose if we stopped dieting.”—@JimGaffigan

Love You From Afar

My fitness coach told me to bend down and touch my toes. I said, “I don’t have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?” —@KerryKatona7

Table for Two

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two…alone. —”Laugh Yourself Healthy,” by Charles Hunter

Gut Dysbiosis

Definition of Calories: Tiny creatures colonizing your closet. They sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.

It’s not my fault!

I have fillings in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me to the kitchen. That’s why I can’t lose weight.

Just dreaming…

Wouldn’t it be so great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?

In the middle

I’m not fat, but I’m not thin either. I’m at a point where you can definitely tell I like chocolate cake.

Yippee Ki Yay

I heard Bruce Willis is trying to lose weight. Apparently, he’s trying to “Diet Hard.”

Breakfast of Champions

You have a Slim-Fast for breakfast, a Slim-Fast for lunch; then, you eat a “sensible dinner.” How sensible are you going to be after eating powder all day?

Good News!

I finally heard some good news. I’m not overweight. I’m undertall. What a relief!

Snack Attack

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

The Diet Wagon

When someone asks me if I quit my diet… not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy Twinkies.

Nacho Diet

The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying “I ate nachos,” I say “I accidentally ate nachos.”

Friends From Afar

Q: Have you heard of the garlic diet?

A: You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!

Dear Diet…

Things just aren’t going to work out between us. It’s not you, it’s me. You are tasteless, boring, and I can’t stop cheating on you.

Stages of Dieting

1. Read about new diet
2. Spend $300 on vegetables
3. Commit publicly to diet on FB
4. Dive head first into plate of bacon

Read the Label

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

Caveman Diet

Q: How many carnivores does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They prefer to stay in the dark!

Protein Plus

Q: How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: I don’t know, but where do you get your protein!?

Become more interesting every week!

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