While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that one in favor of...
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For Here or To Go?
Something tells me I need to lose some weight. During a recent trip to visit my son and his family, I stopped off at a bakery to pick up dessert....
I’ll Take Mine to Go
Q: Why go to the paint store when you're on a diet?
A: You can get thinner there.
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You’ll LOVE This One
Q: Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
A: He'll dessert you.
How Low Can You Go?
I tell people I'm on a low-carb diet. But in reality, I just eat pasta while lying on the floor. Stephen Colbert
Off-Color Eaters
Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store? She heard you could get thinner there.
What’s Your Beef?
“Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”
Vegan Insult
Q: How did Native Americans say vegetarian? A: "Bad hunter!"
Diet Downer
I'm not vegetarian because I love animals. I'm vegetarian because I hate vegetables.
Vegan Crossroads
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper? He sold his soul to seitan!
Nationwide Eating Plan
"I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories."—@sbellelauren
Nacho Normal Diet
The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback
Sugar Free
Q. What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet? A. A desserter.
Time Weighs on You
Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.
Can-Do Diet
Q. What is a man's idea of a balanced diet? A. A beer in each hand.
I Have a Dieter Inside Me
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.
Get Thrown Out
A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror. Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat...
Fattening Spoon
The most fattening thing that you can put in an ice cream sundae is the spoon.
Chocolate Chip Diet
Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don’t...
Don’t Watch Others Eat
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
Dessert Ditcher
Do you call a person who has abandoned their diet a desserter?
Stick to One Serving
Never go back for seconds... get it all the first time.
One Day Diet
A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
What do you call a collection of diet jokes?
Is it true that a collection of jokes about dieting can be referred to as: 'a binge of jokes'?
Diet at the Best Restaurants
Did you hear about the gourmet who avoids unfashionable restaurants because he doesn't want to gain weight in the wrong places?
Calories In, Calories Out
I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.—@sbellelauren
Losing It
My snack got lost in my purse, so I guess I’m on a diet now.—@msgweni
Nacho Normal Diet
The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback
Never Say Diet
"If you lose weight when you stop drinking Diet Coke imagine how much we’d lose if we stopped dieting."—@JimGaffigan
Love You From Afar
My fitness coach told me to bend down and touch my toes. I said, “I don’t have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?” —@KerryKatona7
Quit While You’re Ahead
It took a lot of will power. But I finally gave up dieting.
Table for Two
Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two…alone. —"Laugh Yourself Healthy," by Charles Hunter
Can’t Hide
I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.
Gut Dysbiosis
Definition of Calories: Tiny creatures colonizing your closet. They sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.
It’s not my fault!
I have fillings in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me to the kitchen. That's why I can't lose weight.
Nothing but the Truth
My fitness goal is to get down to what I told the DMV I weigh.
Just dreaming…
Wouldn't it be so great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
Time to Diet
Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.
Purse Snatcher’s Diet Tips
Hey, Lady! Want to drop 5 pounds? Let go of the purse.
Weighing Your Options
What do you get when you put the right amount of meat and vegetables on a scale? A balanced meal.
I did it!
It took a lot of willpower, but I finally gave up dieting.
Stop Those Cravings
How do most people curb their appetite? At the drive thru window.
Cannibal Diet
If you are what you eat … I need to eat a skinny person.
A Dieter’s Favorite Celebrity
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley
In the middle
I'm not fat, but I'm not thin either. I'm at a point where you can definitely tell I like chocolate cake.
Have You Heard of the Garlic Diet?
You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
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Yippee Ki Yay
I heard Bruce Willis is trying to lose weight. Apparently, he's trying to "Diet Hard."
Autocorrect Fail
My brain said "crunches" but my stomach auto-corrected it to "cupcakes."
Breakfast of Champions
You have a Slim-Fast for breakfast, a Slim-Fast for lunch; then, you eat a "sensible dinner." How sensible are you going to be after eating powder all day?
Healthy as a Horse
Why are most horses in shape? Because they are on a stable diet.
Diet Day 1
I have removed all the food from the house. It was delicious
Giving Up Is Tasty
What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet? A desserter.
Good News!
I finally heard some good news. I'm not overweight. I'm undertall. What a relief!
Snack Attack
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
Bad M&Ms
Trail mix is just an inconvenient way to eat M&Ms.
No Pants? No Problem.
Diet tip: Your pants won't get too tight if you don't wear any.
The Easiest Way to Spot a Dieter
The most annoying are those people in exceptionally good shape at the gym. I'm like, "What are you doing here? You're done."
Portion Control
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Think Outside The Bun
I'm going to open up a low carb bakery and I'm going to call it No Bun Intended.
The Diet Wagon
When someone asks me if I quit my diet… not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used...
Nacho Diet
The only difference in my life when I'm on a diet is instead of saying "I ate nachos," I say "I accidentally ate nachos."
This Diet’s Just Not Working
I know it's three meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Sales Binge
Why spend $80 on a swimsuit when you can buy 320 chicken nuggets.
It’s a Love/Hate Relationship
I wish I hated pizza as much as pizza hates me.
Friends From Afar
Q: Have you heard of the garlic diet?
A: You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Dear Diet…
Things just aren't going to work out between us. It's not you, it's me. You are tasteless, boring, and I can't stop cheating on you.
The Second Day Is Always the Hardest
I'm on day 2 of a "diet" which means I'm always one minor annoyance away from eating every single person in my office.
Stages of Dieting
1. Read about new diet
2. Spend $300 on vegetables
3. Commit publicly to diet on FB
4. Dive head first into plate of bacon
The Best Diet Plans…
Every time I make plans to eat better, I can hear my stomach laughing.
Sorry to Eat and Run
Q: What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: A salad shooter.
Snacking Dilemma
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
Mission Impossible
Every time I start a diet I hear the Mission Impossible theme song in my head.
Salad: A Dieting Staple
One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.