Diet Jokes

Q: Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet?

A: You can get thinner there.

Q: Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?

A: He’ll dessert you.

I tell people I’m on a low-carb diet. But in reality, I just eat pasta while lying on the floor.

Stephen Colbert

Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?

She heard you could get thinner there.

“Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”

Q: How did Native Americans say vegetarian?

A: “Bad hunter!”

I’m not vegetarian because I love animals. I’m vegetarian because I hate vegetables.

Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper? He sold his soul to seitan!

“I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.”—@sbellelauren

The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback

Q. What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A. A desserter.

Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.

Q. What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet?

A. A beer in each hand.

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.

A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.  Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.

The most fattening thing that you can put in an ice cream sundae is the spoon.

Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon.  However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever.  Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don’t eat them.

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat.  It’s watching what other people eat.

Do you call a person who has abandoned their diet a desserter?